Teen Pregnancy Forum - Adoption and teen pregnancy


Adoption and teen pregnancy

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krystineM

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Posted: 03-08-08 19:08pm

futureshock wrote:

krystineM wrote:

but if you cant afford a child or you cant manage a child, or if you have more to experience in life and to grow as a child, would it not be in the childs best intrest to be put up in adoption to a home that loves them and can give them the things they need?
would there not be a pain of having an abortion to a child even though not fully developed but still of your flesh and blood?

Personally, I can see how it would be agonizing to give a child up for adoption. I really don't think I could do it. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be in the best interest of the child, because in many cases it would clearly be better if the child were adopted into a two parent family that could afford it and love it as much as the biological parents would. It's just that even though adoption would be better, I can still see how many people couldn't do it.

As far as abortion goes, (and please let's try not to get this thread locked) in my opinion it is much, much easier than adoption. I had an abortion in college and felt great RELIEF. I never once regretted it. Maybe I've had too many biology courses, but I don't consider a tiny embryo that is less than half of an inch in size, to be anything close to a baby. I realize that many people do, and that's fine for them. I just don't.

thats true, it is still a developing baby and at first [as my nephew baby george described it] looks like an alien! it would be easier than adoption, cuz after all there is that bond the mother has to the fetus for the 9 months of carrying, which is probably the most common reason why young mothers keep their babies.
But for me, if i got pregnant at a younger age than 18 and if the father was not going to be there to support me and if i was just in my first year of school, i would rather put the baby up for adoption than abort.
All though it would be upsetting to give something of my flesh and blood away, i feel every life has a right to live. And i really dont think i could go through an abortion...

manuftw82

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Posted: 03-08-08 23:03pm


It's like giving up an arm or a leg and a lot of people are emotionally stable enough for that. I think it would kill me if I gave my baby up for adoption..especially a closed one.

krystineM

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Posted: 03-08-08 23:44pm


as much as it would hurt me, id rather give that child a chance at life and give to a loving family than write it off completely, if i were too young to have one at the time, i would know that child would be better off living with a family who can give them things they need.

benc152

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Posted: 03-09-08 04:03am


as i've said before my mum adopted my son and raises him. sometimes i love that he is near and i can watch him grow up and have some imput into his life. However i think it'd be a lot easier sometimes if he was adopted by another family as closed adoption. i agree with the idea of keeping a child being selfish, however i can't imagine how anybody would be able to shake that and selflessly give up their baby without any chance of seeing them again

krystineM

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Posted: 03-09-08 11:25am


well just giving the baby to another family is hard enough, i can only imagine how depressing and upsetting it would be to have updates of the child they gave away.

manuftw82

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Posted: 03-09-08 16:01pm

krystineM wrote:

as much as it would hurt me, id rather give that child a chance at life and give to a loving family than write it off completely, if i were too young to have one at the time, i would know that child would be better off living with a family who can give them things they need.

Well I could provide a good life for my child so giving a child up for myself at least would be selfish on my part which would kill me. I couldn't give up my child when I KNOW that I could provide for them.

krystineM

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Posted: 03-09-08 16:19pm


ya exactally i agree, i mean my bf/fiance and i can afford this child we're having together so adoption is out of the question for us, but if things were different and i were younger than what i am now i would put it up for adoption.

Verizon-y

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Posted: 03-10-08 00:51am


What is really sad is when some people keep their babies when there is no way they can care for them properly, and the government steps in and takes the child away. That is horrendous for the parents and the child.

krystineM

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Posted: 03-10-08 07:37am


it is sad, but there are usually more to why they cant afford them, example drug problem drinking problem gambling partying to much..not all the time, but that is sometimes what leads to the children being taken away cuz their not being cared for properly, and usually its just temporarily till the parent/parents get their act together.

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Posted: 03-10-08 15:25pm


You're probably right.

falafal4ever81

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Posted: 03-24-08 14:29pm


idony, im so happy to hear that adoption stuff went so well. nolongerhere, i choose adoption for a number of reasons. first off, specialists have speculated that the world has 3-10 times too many people on it that can be comfortably sustained. that information coupled with the knowledge that there are over 20 thousand children waiting for homes in our region alone (its hard to believe that their are that many in the whole country let alone a tiny chunk of it) and the knowledge that a pandemic is due any time now, keeps me from having more children. as i always say, we love people for who they are, not their genetics... otherwise we would all be inbred it is only the stigma in our minds that hold us back from having the same relationship with adoptive children as biological. i have heard so many stories of women who feel completely numb to their children until they are a few months old, like they dont have a bond so in effect they start out in the same manner as adoptive parents. everyday i fear for my childs safety, i fear pedophiles, disease, war, etc. i watched my first son wither away in front of me, full of tubes and i feel so guilty for bringing him here to experience those horrors. i would rather love a child that is here and needs a home rather than create a soul just to risk having them suffer. also, we have been due for a pandemic for quite some time and the more children we have the higher the risk for the pandemic and the higher the risk that those children will be nothing more than a statistic by the end of it. i think in this day and age it is selfish to have large biological families. it may only be a few extra people to the parents, but they all add up and contribute to pollution, global warming, space needs, problems with food adequecy, etc. it is fun and wonderful to have lots of kids, but the planet cant handle it. some people have large familys because they love their kids and want more without thinking the consequences through, but i chose to NOT have more babies because i love them so much and put their needs before my wants. i guess its a way to help protect them. you can compare it to parents who love their children and spoil them by feeding them treats constantly making them obese and letting them get away with homicide versus the parents who want better for their children by feeding them healthily and giving them boundries and teaching them how to be a productive and enjoyable part of society. just my thoughts

mlynn

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Posted: 05-13-08 16:21pm


I am a young single woman who is probibally in a better place to keep and parent a child now then a teen...but who isn't ready to be a parent. Is that selfish...I don't really care. I will choose abortion over adoption EVERY TIME (which has been never so far) I find myself with a pregnancy I can not parent myself. That is my personal preference and for good reason. I am very knowledgeable about the adoption industry and it's CRUEL exploitation of young vulnerable women...I will not become sucked into a multi-billion dollar for-profit industry that makes money on the separation of families. My child will not be bought, sold, or bartered for the benifit and profit of others. I am ethically opposed to adoption....just as much as you are to abortion.

krystineM

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Posted: 05-13-08 16:30pm


I wouldnt consider it separation of families but rather placing a child into a home where they are surrounded with love and have all their needs instead of suffer if the biological parents couldn't afford all the necessities a baby needs. Adoption these days are different than they are before. People have the choice to place their child into adoption and can recieve updates on the childs progress in the new family. They are only removed if the child is in danger in a household. There are couples out there who cannot concieve a child but desperately want one, and adoption is there best option, why should they suffer?

mlynn

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Posted: 05-13-08 19:37pm


"I wouldnt consider it separation of families but rather placing a child into a home where they are surrounded with love and have all their needs instead of suffer if the biological parents couldn't afford all the necessities a baby needs." But you are in denial. There is ALWAYS a seperation of families in adoption...ALWAYS. That baby has to FIRST loose his parents to be put into a home where "they are surrounded by love and have all of their needs met". Babies suffer the loss the same as the mother. They are not blank slates that can be shuffled around with out any knowledge of what is happening. Studies have shown that babies endure trauma when separated from their mothers(not only in adoption) even if separated moments after birth. Adoptee's are at higher risk then the general public for depression, low self-esteem, and feelings of abandonment (ie. not being able to "attach" or trust). This doesn't happen to ALL adoptee's but it happens to MANY. Any good adoptive parent should know that a child NEEDS to grieve a LOSS of their first family BEFORE they can love a new family. Many adoptee's GRIEVE that loss for their entire lifetimes...into adulthood...and would gladly sacrifice material things to experience a life with their first parents. Some don't but many do. I will not have my child become a part of that many. Adoption is NOT all rainbows and sunshine...have you ever even had a conversation with an adoptee? With a group of adoptee's? I suspect not. If you knew how many of them feel about adoption I suppose your rosy little picture in your perfect little bubble would be shattered. But people stay in denial despite the evidence that "sometimes" adoption is NOT in the best interest of a child...a person...who will grieve the loss of a parent(s). Yes sometimes children being removed from parents is best...this is when there is abuse, neglect, or endangerment involved...not because someone is "young" or "on assistance". Do you assume that all people who are "poor", anyone who is "young", anyone who needs a bit of assistance should have their children taken away and given to the wealthy? Young moms can be GREAT moms with some help...my best friend had a child at 15, was on assistance, busted her butt, worked (works) 2 jobs, got her GED, AND is getting ready to graduate with a bachelors degree and enter a vet tech program. She ALSO cares for her ill mother who lives with her....but I guess she was just some irresponsible kid who didn't deserve a chance a life with her child because she was ONCE (a long time ago) young, poor, and pregnant...and obviously her son who now lives in a upper-middle class neighborhood and goes to one of the best school systems in our state is "suffering". I am SICK and TIRED of the biased against young moms and girls who abort. Young moms can be good moms...the few who have their children taken by CPS is in no way and indication of ALL young moms in EVERY situation. Girls are NOT 16 and "jobless" forever. In a few short years...by the time their children are toddlers...they will be adults with opportunity. If a few years of support isn't worth a life time of independence and good mothering then I find that very sad that some people hold that view. Young girls who abort can and DO go on to be successful mothers later in life when they are fully capable of providing for a child with out adoption. With so many assistance programs available in our country age is no longer a deciding factor in deciding if bio parents can "afford all the the necessities that a baby needs". It should be the girls decision to abort, place, or parent...and no one else's input is needed...this decision will effect HER for the rest of her life and it is no ones place to push adoption when it is SHE and HER CHILD and ONLY them that will have to face the consequences of that choice for the rest of their lives. "Adoption these days are different than they are before. People have the choice to place their child into adoption and can recieve updates on the childs progress in the new family." Yes, adoption is diffrent. Single women are no longer shoved in maternity homes (but they do still exist) in masses, girls can legally deny adoption and choose other paths, parents can't force "unmarried" girls hands or sign adoption papers for them anymore...but don't delude yourself. Anyone who is even slightly involved in the adoption triad knows full well that UN ETHICAL practices still happen. These include coersion, fraud, manipulation through counseling, false promises by A parents of "open adoptions" which are later closed (used to secure babies) and abuse of fathers whose rights are bypassed through "loopholes". GIRLS ARE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF...just talk to birth moms who have had it happen to them. Many B-moms are educated about the process before their decision...but many ARE NOT and are at risk for abuse from adoption workers and coercion from adoption "counselors" . They are NOT given all of their options...including programs which would help them parent. "They are only removed if the child is in danger in a household." This is state foster care which has nothing to do with elective domestic infant adoption. I agree with foster care programs...whose main goal to reunion (not adoption) unless reunion is impossible or dangerous....and helping parents work a case plan to acquire the skills needed to be effective parents. If all else fails and TPR is necessary I believe adoption...in that case...IS in the best interest of a child. "There are couples out there who cannot concieve a child but desperately want one, and adoption is there best option, why should they suffer?" The key word here is WANT. I want a million dollars but I'm not getting that anytime soon. Why should STRANGERS "wants" be the reason that a MOTHER and her CHILD are separated? This isin't Nazi Germany...this is the USA circa 2008. If someone else "wanted" YOUR child would you just say ok, here's my baby, i'm happy you don't have to "suffer" anymore? No you wouldn't...so why do you expect the same of other women based on their age? Do you think they deserve to be punished with the loss of their child for their sexual activity? Oh, the childless couples shouldn't "suffer" but the mothers SHOULD? Do you know the PAIN of loosing a child. Have you ever spoken to a single person who has EXPERIENCED the pain of loosing a child? Why should women be expected to sacrifice themselves for others. GIRLS ARE NOT BROODMARES FOR THE INFERTILE. Their "suffering" is their own. It has nothing to do with other people or pregnant girls. I and no other woman has an obligation to bear children for them...just because they "want". They can find other ways to adopt...foster care for one...or working with a mature educated birth mom who is NOT being taken advantage of by the system. There are 500,000 children at any given time languishing in the foster care system...why aren't THEY "good enough"?

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aochriss

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Posted: 05-14-08 13:40pm


mlynn, Thanks so much for that informative post. There was a lot in there that I didn't know.

falafal4ever81

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Posted: 05-17-08 13:52pm


holy moly, mlynn. that was quite the post. i think what people are trying to say is that being separated from your family is a lesser evil than being killed because it just wasnt the 'right time' in someones life. i have lost a son through disease and i can tell you, i would much rather know that he was in a home being loved and cared for instead of the cold reality that he is decomposing in a cemetary. i think if you were to talk to the adoptees about wether they would want to be adopted or dead the would most likely choose adoption, other wise they would have taken their own lives by now. there are risks with anything in life, but it doenst mean that you should become jaded or give up on what you think is right. all good things are worth working for and putting yourself out on a limb. i am awaiting approval for adoption and it is through the foster care system, but these adoptions come with loads of risks too. they told us we should prepare for when (not if) we get accused of abusing the children and having to go to court because the birth parents may want to harm us for raising their child. depending on the reason the child was apprehended there are also a whole host of issues that arise, like abandonment issues, food hoarding from being starved, attachement issues from not knowing love, fear from being abused, sexual misconduct from being molested, anger, fetal alcohol syndrom, drug addiction, etc. many of these kids have A LOT of problems so my husband and i are taking big risks by wanting to adopt them, but we are because it is what is right for us. nothing comes free in life, but everyone needs to step up to the plate and take responsibilitiy for their actions. this means getting educated on the availible options and researching the risks associated with these options wether they are adoption, abortion, or raising an unexpected child.

aochriss

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Posted: 05-17-08 14:10pm


I think you are talking about different issues.

mlynn

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Posted: 05-17-08 15:25pm


"holy moly, mlynn. that was quite the post. " Sorry to offend...this is something I am very passionate about. "i think what people are trying to say is that being separated from your family is a lesser evil than being killed because it just wasnt the 'right time' in someones life. " What is a lesser or greater evil is all relative. Morals are subjective. Abortion and adoption don't have anything to do with each other. Abortion is a gestational choice and adoption is a parenting choice. Obviously women must FIRST decide to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth before adoption even becomes an issue. If a woman can not or will not do that then adoption is a moot and irrelevant point. Women who are not prepared for parenthood are still going to abort if it is the decision they feel most at peace with. Who is anyone to tell them otherwise? Loosing a born child to adoption and aborting a 12 week old fetus are not comparable things. Adoption or child loss is sure to cause more harm to the woman in most cases. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Plenty of women have aborted and gone on to be wonderful parents to other children, about half of all women who abort are already raising at least one other child, and they are able to give their children the live they deserve because of past abortions. Women who abort don't hate children and they don't hate the aborted fetus...many feel remorse even if they realize they made the best possible choice. Abortion in most cases comes from concern for children...rather then indifference to them. "i have lost a son through disease and i can tell you, i would much rather know that he was in a home being loved and cared for instead of the cold reality that he is decomposing in a cemetary. " I am very very sorry for your loss. I don't think your situation however is comparable to either adoption or abortion. You lost a loved and wanted child who you parented...putting him up for adoption wouldn't have changed his fate nor made your suffering disappear. "i think if you were to talk to the adoptees about wether they would want to be adopted or dead the would most likely choose adoption, other wise they would have taken their own lives by now." This is a manipulative statement...anyone would rather not be dead. However the suicide rates in adoptee's and foster children are slightly higher then in the general population studies have shown. I come from an alcoholic abusive family and I have suffered my whole life long because of it...if you asked me if I would rather be dead...of course I would say no. No one wants to be dead. Still this question attempts trivializes the pain of adoptee's. Just because there not dead doesn't make up for the fact that they endured trauma to "save them" from "death". You make it seem as if adoptee's should be greatful. Why is that? Don't discount the pain of many adoptee's by saying "you should be greatful, at least you weren't aborted, get over it". "there are risks with anything in life, but it doenst mean that you should become jaded or give up on what you think is right. " I am not giving up on anything. My personal morals tell me abortion is a valid decision for some women in some situations...and that adoption is a valid decision as a last result. Most adoptions are unnecessary. "all good things are worth working for and putting yourself out on a limb. i am awaiting approval for adoption and it is through the foster care system, but these adoptions come with loads of risks too. they told us we should prepare for when (not if) we get accused of abusing the children and having to go to court because the birth parents may want to harm us for raising their child. depending on the reason the child was apprehended there are also a whole host of issues that arise, like abandonment issues, food hoarding from being starved, attachement issues from not knowing love, fear from being abused, sexual misconduct from being molested, anger, fetal alcohol syndrom, drug addiction, etc. many of these kids have A LOT of problems so my husband and i are taking big risks by wanting to adopt them, but we are because it is what is right for us. " Yes, I am well aware of the foster care system. I am in training to be a FP. My arguments have nothing to do with the foster care system so I don't see how the above paragraph is relevant. Foster care is not the same as domestic infant adoption...not even close. Domestic infant adoptions are by choice (or coercion) foster care is due to abuse or neglect. You make it seem as if the foster care system proves something ? What does it prove exactly? The main goal of foster care is reunion and THEN adoption if reunion is impossible or unsafe. Foster care programs exist to help BORN CHILDREN find a stable living situation...if that situation is with their parents then so be it...if not then they can be adopted...but all too often they age out. I wish more people would adopt from foster care. There are many children available to the infertile...SO MANY are available in fact that we don't "need" anymore...so why potential adoptive parents care AT ALL about the choices someone else makes about their own pregnancy bewilders me....especially when we already have 500,000 born children that need placed in families. "nothing comes free in life, but everyone needs to step up to the plate and take responsibilitiy for their actions. this means getting educated on the availible options and researching the risks associated with these options wether they are adoption, abortion, or raising an unexpected child." I am not in disagreement with anything in this last paragraph.

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Posted: 05-17-08 18:37pm


I'm an adoptee myself. My mother had me when she was 16 and was forced to go into a maternity home (I think thats what theyre called) so that the rest of her family would never find out about me. She chose my parents to adopt me when I was 6 days old. I'll be honest when I say that should I have gotten pregnant and not been able to care for my child I don't think I would have chosen adoption but rather abortion. My entire life I felt empty, resentful and ridiculously confused about who I REALLY was. I don't think its possible to explain this to someone who isn't an adoptee but it's a truly horrible feeling. Don't get me wrong my adoptive parents loved me dearly and still do but I found it hard to love anyone around me. To this day (and i've met my biological mother and have a decent realtionship with her) I harbour a huge amount of anger and resentment towards her. In her opinion I should be grateful that she gave me life and didn't abort me. Um as far as I know I don't owe anyone anything because I never asked to be born. Aside from all of this she won't tell me who my father is and thats just another peice of the puzzle that I will never have. That being said I am not for adoption at all.

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Posted: 05-18-08 11:53am


Thanks tanya for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain...and I am sorry that society has made you feel like you "need" to be greatful for something which was out of your controol and didin't really "help" you much at all. All the love in the world and all the material things can never make up for the loss. The grief of adoptee's is overlooked and tossed aside but it is very real. It is all too common that other adoptee's feel similar. I don't understand why teen pregnancy has to be "tragic" and abortion is "immoral" but adoption is a "miracle". It is more often the case...especially with domestic infant adoption...that adoption benifits the adoptive parents MORE then it benifits the child (or its mother for that matter). Peoples wants shouldn't be put above child's needs...and the need for connection with ones routs is a basic human need that can't be cut away or "loved" away.