Thanks tanya for sharing
your story. I am so very sorry for your
loss and your pain...and I am sorry that
society has made you feel like you "need"
to be greatful for something which was out
of your controol and didin't really "help"
you much at all. All the love in the world
and all the material things can never make
up for the loss. The grief of adoptee's is
overlooked and tossed aside but it is very
real. It is all too common that other
adoptee's feel similar.
I don't understand why teen pregnancy has
to be "tragic" and abortion is "immoral"
but adoption is a "miracle". It is more
often the case...especially with domestic
infant adoption...that adoption benifits
the adoptive parents MORE then it benifits
the child (or its mother for that matter).
Peoples wants shouldn't be put above
child's needs...and the need for
connection with ones routs is a basic
human need that can't be cut away or
"loved" away.
Thanks for the reply. You wouldn't believe
how many times i've heard that I should
be grateful that I was given this "big"
opportunity at life. As I said in my
previous post, I never asked to be born.
Someone previously stated that if you
asked an adoptee if they would rather be
adopted or dead they would obviously
choose adoption otherwise they would have
killed themselves. I'm having a hard time
comprehending the logic there. Obviously
i'm alive now i'm not sorry to be alive
nor do I want to kill myself but that
doesn't in any way diminish the way i feel
about my adoption or adoption in general.
True I would not be here today if my
mother aborted me, but that alone is not
reason enough for me to embrace adoption.
I was adopted into a very wealthy family.
I had absolutely everything money could
buy and all the love in the world. It
didn't change a thing. I guarantee you
that as a human being, my basid need of
knowing who I was and where I came from
was never fullfilled and never will be
fullfilled. Had I been with my 16 year old
mother rather then placed for adoption I
would not have had the opportunities I
did, nor the lovely presents and vast
travelling but in the end what does all
that really mean when deep down your never
truly happy?
|
Ingi
Moderator
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8724 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 157
Thanked:189
Posted: 05-18-08 14:17pm
_tanya_
wrote:
mlynn
wrote:
Thanks tanya for sharing
your story. I am so very sorry for your
loss and your pain...and I am sorry that
society has made you feel like you "need"
to be greatful for something which was out
of your controol and didin't really "help"
you much at all. All the love in the world
and all the material things can never make
up for the loss. The grief of adoptee's is
overlooked and tossed aside but it is very
real. It is all too common that other
adoptee's feel similar.
I don't understand why teen pregnancy has
to be "tragic" and abortion is "immoral"
but adoption is a "miracle". It is more
often the case...especially with domestic
infant adoption...that adoption benifits
the adoptive parents MORE then it benifits
the child (or its mother for that matter).
Peoples wants shouldn't be put above
child's needs...and the need for
connection with ones routs is a basic
human need that can't be cut away or
"loved" away.
Thanks for the reply. You wouldn't believe
how many times i've heard that I should
be grateful that I was given this "big"
opportunity at life. As I said in my
previous post, I never asked to be born.
Someone previously stated that if you
asked an adoptee if they would rather be
adopted or dead they would obviously
choose adoption otherwise they would have
killed themselves. I'm having a hard time
comprehending the logic there. Obviously
i'm alive now i'm not sorry to be alive
nor do I want to kill myself but that
doesn't in any way diminish the way i feel
about my adoption or adoption in general.
True I would not be here today if my
mother aborted me, but that alone is not
reason enough for me to embrace adoption.
I was adopted into a very wealthy family.
I had absolutely everything money could
buy and all the love in the world. It
didn't change a thing. I guarantee you
that as a human being, my basid need of
knowing who I was and where I came from
was never fullfilled and never will be
fullfilled. Had I been with my 16 year old
mother rather then placed for adoption I
would not have had the opportunities I
did, nor the lovely presents and vast
travelling but in the end what does all
that really mean when deep down your never
truly happy?
I wonder if you'd have been truly happy
with your birth mother...
|
_tanya_
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 294 Location: Toronto
Thanks: 19
Thanked:5
Posted: 05-18-08 15:22pm
Ingi
wrote:
_tanya_
wrote:
mlynn
wrote:
Thanks tanya for sharing
your story. I am so very sorry for your
loss and your pain...and I am sorry that
society has made you feel like you "need"
to be greatful for something which was out
of your controol and didin't really "help"
you much at all. All the love in the world
and all the material things can never make
up for the loss. The grief of adoptee's is
overlooked and tossed aside but it is very
real. It is all too common that other
adoptee's feel similar.
I don't understand why teen pregnancy has
to be "tragic" and abortion is "immoral"
but adoption is a "miracle". It is more
often the case...especially with domestic
infant adoption...that adoption benifits
the adoptive parents MORE then it benifits
the child (or its mother for that matter).
Peoples wants shouldn't be put above
child's needs...and the need for
connection with ones routs is a basic
human need that can't be cut away or
"loved" away.
Thanks for the reply. You wouldn't believe
how many times i've heard that I should
be grateful that I was given this "big"
opportunity at life. As I said in my
previous post, I never asked to be born.
Someone previously stated that if you
asked an adoptee if they would rather be
adopted or dead they would obviously
choose adoption otherwise they would have
killed themselves. I'm having a hard time
comprehending the logic there. Obviously
i'm alive now i'm not sorry to be alive
nor do I want to kill myself but that
doesn't in any way diminish the way i feel
about my adoption or adoption in general.
True I would not be here today if my
mother aborted me, but that alone is not
reason enough for me to embrace adoption.
I was adopted into a very wealthy family.
I had absolutely everything money could
buy and all the love in the world. It
didn't change a thing. I guarantee you
that as a human being, my basid need of
knowing who I was and where I came from
was never fullfilled and never will be
fullfilled. Had I been with my 16 year old
mother rather then placed for adoption I
would not have had the opportunities I
did, nor the lovely presents and vast
travelling but in the end what does all
that really mean when deep down your never
truly happy?
I wonder if you'd have been truly happy
with your birth
mother...
I suppose that question can never be
answered.
It has been well documented that adult
adoptees have a much higher rate of
developing self esteem, abandonment and
identity issues because of their adoption.
I'm not saying every adoptee goes through
this but I personally have and have met
numerous others who have as well.
Would i have been truly happier isn't
actually a relevant question. Being happy
or not doesn't matter. What I would have
wanted to avoid was the pain i felt from
the adoption itself, something that I
don't think someone who was not in my
position could possibly understand. I
always had this irrational fear of loss
kind of like "well it happened once to me
so it could happen again".
Then theres the silly questions that seem
trivial but to a pre-teen or child plague
you constantly: "Who am I?" "Where do I
get my music talent from" "What ethnic
backround am I?" "Why do I not look like
anyone in my family?" "What does my REAL
family look like". I read this phrase on a
website and i thought it fit in this
situation: "I felt like a cereal box with
no list of ingredients on it". I forever
thought that EVERYone would eventually
leave me and my personal relationships
suffered because of this as well. I
figured if my own mother could leave her
own infant whats to stop others from doing
it as well? Obviously now I have come to
understand things differently through
therapy.
|
Ingi
Moderator
Joined: 09 Mar 2006 Posts: 8724 Location: Grinning like a Cheshire Cat,
Thanks: 157
Thanked:189
Posted: 05-19-08 11:21am
_tanya_
wrote:
I suppose that question can never be
answered.
It has been well documented that adult
adoptees have a much higher rate of
developing self esteem, abandonment and
identity issues because of their adoption.
I'm not saying every adoptee goes through
this but I personally have and have met
numerous others who have as well.
Would i have been truly happier isn't
actually a relevant question. Being happy
or not doesn't matter. What I would have
wanted to avoid was the pain i felt from
the adoption itself, something that I
don't think someone who was not in my
position could possibly understand. I
always had this irrational fear of loss
kind of like "well it happened once to me
so it could happen again".
Then theres the silly questions that seem
trivial but to a pre-teen or child plague
you constantly: "Who am I?" "Where do I
get my music talent from" "What ethnic
backround am I?" "Why do I not look like
anyone in my family?" "What does my REAL
family look like". I read this phrase on a
website and i thought it fit in this
situation: "I felt like a cereal box with
no list of ingredients on it". I forever
thought that EVERYone would eventually
leave me and my personal relationships
suffered because of this as well. I
figured if my own mother could leave her
own infant whats to stop others from doing
it as well? Obviously now I have come to
understand things differently through
therapy.
You said you were unhappy in your life as
an adoptee and resentful to your birth
mother.
I have no father. No one I know (other
than my mother) knows his name. He was an
out of towner. He isn't listed on my birth
certificate. I've never met him. I do not
know him in any way. He has refused to see
me, ever. I have no idea what my
ingredients are either - I look American
Indian but I could also be Mediterranean.
This isn't soley an adoptee issure, there
are entire generations of children who
know nothing about their heritage or their
background. And it is getting worse, with
no forced custody arrangements and
disposable relationships.
I'm glad you are seeking counselling.
ps. My husband is an adoptee so my
daughter is really screwed when it comes
to knowing anything about her background!
|
_tanya_
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 294 Location: Toronto
Thanks: 19
Thanked:5
Posted: 05-19-08 15:26pm
Ingi
wrote:
_tanya_
wrote:
I suppose that question can never be
answered.
It has been well documented that adult
adoptees have a much higher rate of
developing self esteem, abandonment and
identity issues because of their adoption.
I'm not saying every adoptee goes through
this but I personally have and have met
numerous others who have as well.
Would i have been truly happier isn't
actually a relevant question. Being happy
or not doesn't matter. What I would have
wanted to avoid was the pain i felt from
the adoption itself, something that I
don't think someone who was not in my
position could possibly understand. I
always had this irrational fear of loss
kind of like "well it happened once to me
so it could happen again".
Then theres the silly questions that seem
trivial but to a pre-teen or child plague
you constantly: "Who am I?" "Where do I
get my music talent from" "What ethnic
backround am I?" "Why do I not look like
anyone in my family?" "What does my REAL
family look like". I read this phrase on a
website and i thought it fit in this
situation: "I felt like a cereal box with
no list of ingredients on it". I forever
thought that EVERYone would eventually
leave me and my personal relationships
suffered because of this as well. I
figured if my own mother could leave her
own infant whats to stop others from doing
it as well? Obviously now I have come to
understand things differently through
therapy.
You said you were unhappy in your life as
an adoptee and resentful to your birth
mother.
I have no father. No one I know (other
than my mother) knows his name. He was an
out of towner. He isn't listed on my birth
certificate. I've never met him. I do not
know him in any way. He has refused to see
me, ever. I have no idea what my
ingredients are either - I look American
Indian but I could also be Mediterranean.
This isn't soley an adoptee issure, there
are entire generations of children who
know nothing about their heritage or their
background. And it is getting worse, with
no forced custody arrangements and
disposable relationships.
I'm glad you are seeking counselling.
ps. My husband is an adoptee so my
daughter is really screwed when it comes
to knowing anything about her
background!
Ingi, i was in no way implying that other
children do not suffer the same way
(whether being an adoptee or not). My
point (with quite a bit of rambling in
between lol) was that I personally would
not intentionally put my own child through
the adoption process because of my
experience with it. I don't know if i
would ever be able to go through with an
abortion personally, but I know if it came
down to absolutely NOT being able to keep
the child then thats what I would do.
My son or daughter will not know entirely
know their genetic makeup but I suppose
thats something that theyre just going to
have to accept and understand. My fiance
is native american actually so at least
one side is accounted for!
|
falafal4ever81
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 79
Posted: 05-25-08 02:06am
wow, it sounds as though you have quite a
bit of anxiety and/or depression over this
issue. i know that when my son died, that
one experience had changed me forever. for
months afterwards i was scared to even be
near any baby, i felt like a typhoid mary
and that my presence would bring death.
now that i have my second son, i find that
even though he is 14 months old, i am
still waiting for the day when i wake up
and he will be gone. being an adoptee must
be somewhat traumatizing for you and it
separates you from the majority of the
population just as how burrying my child
separates me from the majority. sometimes
i feel as though i am an outsider looking
in on a world of people who are somewhat
purer than me, or possibly just more
ignorant (not a bad ignorant, that isnt an
insult to anyone, infact im happy that
most people are ignorant to that pain).
many people have told me my thoughts are
rediculous, but i think that they feel
that way because they dont know anything
else. i hope you find peace with yourself
and are able to focus on the present and
plan for the future, while laying your
past down for a rest. it will never go
away, it is a part of you, but i hope you
can let it slip from the forefront of your
mind and focus. i accept that the pain of
losing my son will be with me forever, it
is one of my badges i wear through the war
of life. the pain never truly goes but i
have just learned to live with it, like a
constant backache. it is a PART of who i
am.
best of luck and thank you for the insight
into your perspective, you have opened my
eyes a little wider today and for that i
am a better person. thank you.
