Bipolar Disorder Forum - Bi-polar spouse

Just need to tell my story.

When I first met my husband he was in a manic state....I had no idea as he was loving, caring, sensitive and treated me like a princess...I fell head over heels in love with this man and we started a life together.

He did tell me that he had been diagnosed with bi-polar about 9 years previously, but said it was his ex-wife and the therapist. he said he didn't have bi-polar that he was just depressed, he described the ex-wife as controlling and of course everything was her fault.

The first real sign was in the fall of 2002 when I found a hotel bill and on further investigation found memberships to online sites one being adult friendfinders this site is people posting to one another to meet for the purpose of having sex. When I confronted him, it of course was all my fault, he had sex with a transvestite, a male gay couple, all unprotected sex at that....he met a young girl at the train station and brought her to our home while I was away....the list goes on and on.....

In December of 2002 I had to live the US as I had overstayed my visa and was not allowed to re-enter the US for 5 years. within 2 days he had a new woman in my bed, this woman had keys to our home and her and her children came and went as they pleased. His reaction was to cut off contact with me and blame me for his cheating.

We did manage to work past this and continue with our relationship.
Unfortunately not being able to live together on a daily basis was difficult
but through monthly visits and lots of daily phone calls, emails....we managed and he seemed to be doing okay.

late in the fall of 2005, he began an affair with a neighbor who is an alcoholic along with other problems. In the spring of 2006 I confronted him about the affair, it was please don't leave me, I want our marriage, I am confused, give me time to get out of the affair. Aug 2006 he files for divorce and once again refuses any contact with me. a week later he is calling and wanting our marriage, I insisit he see a therapist, he agrees, but doesn't do anything.

At this point this woman and her children have a key to our home. It is a series of him breaking up with her, her barging into our home taking the phone out of his hand and hanging up on me. one night he just put the phone down and I listened for 3 1/2 hours to her berate him. ( When he is not manic he is easily led by anyone who gets in his face. he will do anything to avoid confrontation)....he stops the divorce, she finds out and the divorce is started again.

Summer 2006 - he is suicidal, cycling out of control, severely depressed
Fall 2006 - after many months of talking and finally getting him into therapy he seems to be coming around, returning to himself. It is still a series of him breaking up with her, her coming over and dragging him back to her house. Many times he and I would be on the phone and she would barge in take the phone from his hand and hang it up She has become physical hitting and punching him, at one point poured bleach over his clothing. He tells me he is afraid of her and feels very off balance around her. His therapist is telling him he needs to stay away from this woman that he will never get well if he is around her.

Dec 2006 - He decides that he wants our marriage, makes a huge deal about putting our wedding rings back on....we talk for hours and hours and hours. I insist that he change to locks on our doors and changes the phone number to an unlisted unpublished number.

Jan 18/07 - we are on the phone and she is banging on the door....this goes on for 1/2 hour.....then she takes a rock breaks the window in the door reaches in unlocks it and is in our home, she has cut herself and is waving her arms around splattering blood all over the walls. He panics calls 911 gets out the address and that someone has broken in and is bleeding....she takes the phone and hangs it up.....911 calls back...she hangs up on them again. 3 Police cars, ambulance and firetruck respond...sirens blaring and lights flashing....she argues with the police, they take her home and tell her to stay away. That works for a week...and then she is back presenting a bill for what she says it cost her for the time he was with her.......the bill was for over $8,000.00 - she threatens legal action unless he pays....he pays her $4,800.00 ( I find out the next month when the check clears) by this time he is back in her bed.
she has the new phone number and the new key to our home.

March 2007 - he is once again sucidial...but contacts a physiatrist and they want to hospitalize him, he refuses but does agree to intense daily therapy....he is diagnosed with bi-polar once again....the therapy went well he was put on lithium and seem to be responding...for a 6 week period he was away from this woman and seemed to be gaining some control over his life.

May 2007 - she arrives at our home, and back he goes.
The past year has been a series of the same thing each month, I confront him, he begs and pleads for forgiveness and he breaks up with her....then he goes back...I confront....you see the pattern.

Dec 2007 - he stops seeing the therapist

Jan 2008 - my ban is over, we plan on me coming home and staying the entire month of January.....I am still not allowed to enter the US....we are both disappointed beyond belief and start to look at him moving here....the end of January he books a fantastic vacation for us both....a week later he wants a divorce and I am cut off.....when he does speak to me it is only to rant and rave.....

Feb 2008 - one day he wants the marriage, the next he doesn't, I take the vacation alone.

so here we are, he is filing for divorce, living with the alcholic and has just lost his job.... The alcoholic has him convinced that there is nothing wrong with him that I was the problem not him so now he is telling me he is not bi-polar

I am at my wits end, I had a husband who people commented to me that I was so lucky to have this man who absolutely adored me...well that is one side of it....but seems the past 2 1/2 years I have been dealing with the cheater and liar. He was the love of my life and that man is just gone and has been for a couple of years now.

I do not even recognize this man he has become, I know a huge part of it is the illness....but I just can't cope with this anymore, it has damaged me beyond belief.

I know he is out of control, I am worried that his job which was his only stability and now that is gone. that he will once again become suicidal but he has pushed me out of his life, will not discuss anything but divorce with me. I feel that I am throwing him to the wolves at this point but I just don't know what else to do.

Thanks for listening, feels good to get all that off my chest