I'm only 15 years old, turning 16 in a
couple of months. The past year and a half
(about) I've had very unnerving feelings.
There will probably be many times while
writing this where I will want to just
stop and feel it is unnecessary. I often
feel like that when I try to explain my
feelings to my friends if I am not in a
good mood. I start looking for help but
then in a few minutes I either become so
depressed that I no longer want to talk,
and end the conversation very rudely
(which I later regret) or become happier
and try to make my friends disregard the
feelings I had previously stated.
Though for the last few months I have not
been in an extremely depressed mood, there
were about 5 months of my life last year
when I would feel miserable. I would not
be able to fall asleep because I would
start crying until I felt like I was going
to vomit (though I have not thrown up
since I was 4 years old). While crying I
would very often have thoughts of suicide
that became stronger and stronger later
on. I never "cut" myself the "traditional"
way, but sometimes I would feel so enraged
that I took a knife, laid my stomach on my
arm, and started stabbing at my arm until
it bled. The next day, or even hour, I
would usually regret it and thought about
how dumb it was to do. I have not done
anything like that for half a year already
maybe, and I do not cry as frequently.
When I do, though, something of the
following goes through my head: When I
begin to cry, I feel the sudden need to
seek help from my friends, but upon
feeling that need I feel that I'm only
crying to get attention, and if I do not
try to get help from my friends then I
won't be crying for attention. So I don't
look for help. I just keep crying and
having semi-suicidal thoughts until I
can't remember what's wrong anymore and I
act extra happy to make sure that nobody
thinks I am feeling depressed.
Those are really the events that effect my
life the most. My feelings about things
and my emotions change so rapidly I feel
like I'm almost abusing my friends by
looking for help and quickly turning away.
I also start to question what I want a lot
of the time. This really makes me feel
extremely pointless. Especially the fact
that if I told this story in an hour, some
of it might change, and not because I'm
lying.
Is this bipolarity?
I can't visit a therapist or anyone
similar because my family would not take
me. I planned on talking to my guidance
counselor before summer started, but I
could not put myself up to it because I
wasn't sure what to say, and most of all
because I wasn't in the mood.
What do I do?
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 918 Location: IL
Thanks: 45
Thanked:16
Posted: 06-30-08 23:59pm
Suicidal ideology and thoughts are never
to be dismissed. These thoughts should be
taken seriously and you should see a
psychiatrist. Rapidly changing moods may
be bipolar disorder. There are many other
symptoms associated with bipolar disorder.
You really should consult with a
psychiatrist for an evaluation.
I hope you will try to talk to your family
about this. You are in need of some
medical attention and it should not be
ignored.
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Writeresque
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jun 2008 Posts: 11
Posted: 07-01-08 23:46pm
The suicidal thoughts have greatly
subsided. There are still times where I
feel like if it was easy enough to die,
I'd rather be dead. But those don't even
last long.
Like I said, it is really hard for me to
get to a psychiatrist because my mom
usually pushes that idea away when I have
it. Would an evaluation be free? Is there
any other way to talk to a professional
just to see if I need any help?
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Parent Responsiblity! Posted: 07-02-08 06:28am
Ya know, I have to say something here. I
have a real problem with parents that
won't listen to thier child and be aware
of of early warning signs. In fact, my
opinion on this is SO avid that I don't
think I can post it here on the forum
without myself going into a manic episode.
And we don't want that. Here were I live,
we have a "Yellow Ribbon" suicide awarness
group that goes around to schools and
groups of mothers that are interested in
more awarness. We are not just talking
suicide to the child, we are also talking
about this issue of the capability of
hurting or doing real fatal harm to others
in some cases. So much fatal harm could
have been stopped in the past if only
parent had looked for those early warning
singns. Sometimes sutle but, if the parent
is up on the emotional state and cares
enough, it will hit them right away. No
instead they trun thier heads away and say
" Nothing wrong with my child. This is
just a phase and it will pass" NOT!
BTW: I speack from experience. I was
suicidal and so was my mom and sis and her
two kids. My youngest son has thoughts.
But I am there for him every step of the
way! He still with me and not going
anywere.
I'm otta here!
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Writeresque
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jun 2008 Posts: 11
Posted: 07-02-08 11:38am
Actually...often times my mom would ask me
what's wrong because I keep myself in my
room when I am in a depressed mood. I turn
all the the lights off, the computer,
close the shades, turn everything off. I
either sit in a corner or lay on my bed or
just sit up straight for a while and stare
straight ahead if I'm not crying.
Sometimes she walks into the room and I'm
in too depressed a mood to say anything
about it so I just try to get her out of
there quickly. Maybe it is my fault
because when she does ask me what's wrong
I'm in no mood to answer.
Besides, like a said in another thread. A
lot of my emotional problems arise from
relationships. And since I am gay, my mom
chooses to be ignorant of that fact. I
have told her about it before; and she
stopped talking to me for a week or so.
Then she eventually became normal toward
me again, but if the subject were brought
up again she made it clear that she does
not think I am gay. If she asks me what's
wrong there's no way I can actually talk
about it to her, because if I start
mentioning something about another guy she
would go crazy.
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 07-02-08 12:00pm
Well, first of all, you mother has got to
come to turms with your sexuality. You are
her daughter regardless of your personal
choices. There are some things that
parents just have to accept in life. And
sexual choice is one of them. Remember,
this is 2008! Open relationships are just
what they are now "open". Coming out is so
much easier now. But, on the other hand,
forl most teens it can be a nightmare. I
believe as adults, it gets a little easier
due to the fact the family ties have been
already somewhat broken.
So, obiously your mom is awere. Now she
has to come to grips with it. And, I think
you need to be more open with your mom. I
think this is her way of craving your
feelings an the side of a mom as teens we
do not and find hard to understan. Next
time she askes "What's wrong?" Sit down
with her and give it your all. It may just
take alot of that inner burdun off your
shoulders.
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Writeresque
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jun 2008 Posts: 11
Posted: 07-02-08 12:23pm
First of all, sorry for not clarifying,
but I am male. Heh.
And second of all, I know it may be easy
for you to think that anyone should accept
homosexuality. And luckily I have had no
trouble with it, except that from my mom
(which usually doesn't even bother me at
all). I have come out to her. I was
seeing a guy and she, almost as a joke,
once asked me if I was gay. I said yes.
She kind of laughed a little bit, and then
asked ten more times if I was serious,
adding in that I know how she feels about
that. I kept saying yes, yes, etc. Then
she sat down on my bed and started crying.
She told me things like "can't you just
wait, maybe it'll go away with time." I
told her that I'd wait for it to go away
as soon as she waits for it to be OK with
her. She said things like she's going to
cut her wrist (which was immediatly
followed by her saying that she was too
scared to) and then that she was going to
move out of the house, etc. She went back
to her room and cried some more, then went
back to my room and kept asking me if I
was joking, to which I would keep saying
no. Fast forward about two or three
months; I came home with eye-makeup on
once (I don't do that often at all). She
went on about how only girls should do it
and asked me if I wasn't scared that gay
guys were going to hit on me. Obviously,
she made it clear that she went back into
denial about that.
I can't talk to her about it. And if I
did, she would not want to help me. I
already sat down with her and gave it my
all and I got nothing back.
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 07-02-08 12:52pm
OK, now we are getting somewhere. Let me
say this much. I think your mom is crying
out hoping that you will take enough pitty
and feel enough love for her to turn this
aroundd. Which is not the case. Lets just
a little senario here ok.
You feel your life is over,
You tell someone you have thoughts of
ending your life.
You get nowhere, and no support.
Next thing you know. you have just about
followed through on that thought.
This is your way of crying out for help.
You never intended to go through with that
thought, but close enough to use it for
your last cry.
I think this is almost what your mom is
going through. Thriving on your heart and
feeling in hopes you will turn it around.
All I can say at this point is, untill she
fully execpts this and I believe over time
she will, you are just going have to live
on. Don't get down and depressed, it will
only make it worse for you.
Carrie
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Writeresque
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jun 2008 Posts: 11
Posted: 07-02-08 13:03pm
Sorry, I think we're on a different page
here. I'm not depressed about the fact
that she doesn't accept it. As much as I'd
like to say that I have a close bond with
my mom, I do not. We don't talk about
anything together, and I'm actually fine
with it. I know it is kind of horrible to
say, but I am more interested in having
supportive friends than a supportive mom.
That being said, most of the times I am
depressed it comes from being lonely. I
don't want to get into it but there is a
guy that I like a whole lot, and it has
just become a huge mess. Usually, my
depressive stages don't even follow any
specific situation. I just feel useless,
pointless. Which I guess you could say is
not too far off. I don't have a lot of
friends, only one I would say that
actually cares for me. I usually do
nothing all day. I contribute in no
way...I'm just apathetic about everything.
I don't want to live like this....
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 07-02-08 13:24pm
Well, it sounds like you have a nice
circle of friends. Something I was never
priveed to. You have to know that most of
us if not all on this board have been
through what you are going through
somehow. I am Bipolar and have been for
over 30+ years. It is not fun. There are
certain symptoms that show up. In all
honesty you IMHO do have some of these
symtoms. I can only speak as one that has
had to deal with it. You actually sound
more like you are having problems with a
moderate to severe deppression. I am
wondering if you could go to your mom with
this and get some proffessional help.
There are also (as I am sure you know)
medications out there that could help you
lead a more stable and useful life.
We are hear for you. Please know that.
Carrie
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 918 Location: IL
Thanks: 45
Thanked:16
Posted: 07-04-08 00:02am
Writeresque,
I have been following your posts. I think
you may have a depressive disorder. I
realize that there are circumstances that
contribute to your depressed moods. The
teen years are rife with emotional
turmoil. It sounds like more than teen
drama. You are describing some serious
depression. Shutting off the world,
isolating yourself, feeling useless,
feeling there is no point to life, feeling
like you don't contribute to the world...
All of this is sounding like a depressive
episode to me.
You can check with the county health
department. They may be able to direct you
to a mental health clinic that is free or
very low cost. There are suicide hot
lines. Call one and explain how things
have been. Tell them you need help but
your mom is in denial and won't take you
to a psychiatrist. They may be able to
direct you to help in your area. If you
have anymore suicidal thoughts, go to the
ER. Have a friend drive you.
Do you have any extended family? Is there
an aunt or uncle you could go to and tell
how you have been feeling?
Depression can come in episodes, like
waves on a shore. It may come and go. The
episodes may be fleeting or may be
pervasive and last for weeks. Depression
takes away your laughter, robs you of
happiness and leaves you feeling hollow
and hopeless. This is a bad place to be.
Even if you don't feel depressed all the
time you may still suffer from a
depressive disorder or a mood disorder. It
needs to be treated.
I encourage you to try to talk to your mom
again. Let her know very honestly how you
have felt.
This is a huge burden to carry alone. Let
us know how you are doing. We are here for
you!
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Writeresque
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jun 2008 Posts: 11
Posted: 07-04-08 00:42am
Thank you for the responses. Fortunately,
I've been in an amazing mood both today
and yesterday. I really do not want to
think about these depressive episodes at
the moment. Mind you, I am not brushing
them off. I would just rather stay happy
while it may last. Thank you for the
advice antigone, as soon as I am feeling
depressed again, I will try to follow it.
Thanks again for the help, I'll let you
know if anything goes wrong again. But
right now I'm feeling great.
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 918 Location: IL
Thanks: 45
Thanked:16
Posted: 07-06-08 00:19am
I am so glad that for this moment you are
feeling well. I can appreciate your desire
to bask in it.
Let us know how you are. You are not alone
in this and we are here to offer you
support, encouragement and an open heart.
Keep in touch!
