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Q: Boyfriend pushed me down

asked by: lil_scorpio on June 26th, 2008

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We have had arguements before, screaming at each other, etc. We always seem to get over it. It takes time, but we get over it. What blows my mind is what he did yesterday though. I have just recently been fired from my job at a warehouse, and although I am glad not to be in the horrible heat and dangerous place anymore I do worry about money and finding a new job. My boyfriend also works at a warehouse and he seems a bit resentful that he still has to suffer in the heat and bad working conditions and that I no longer do. Anyway, he came home from work yesterday, tired, hot and grouchy, as usual. He didn't really seem to want to talk. Although I felt horribly physically, (look up post in Anxiety, light-headed) I was nice to him. I made the "mistake" of telling him that I didn't feel well and that I thought I may have had an anxiety attack earlier in the morning, that I felt so horrible like I was dying or something. He tells me "What do you have to worry about?".
Whatever. So I let it pass. We ended up getting into an arguement because he totally didn't care about what I had just told him. It went in one ear and out the other! I don't have anyone else to confide in and I was feeling so bad and scared that I felt I had to tell him. Anyway, the arguement starts because I walk away and try to let the whole thing drop. He comes up to me and yells that he isn't concerned about me right now! That I don't matter right now because he's the one that worked all day and he's hot and tired! I asked if it'd be any different if I were still working and I felt this way and he hesitated and then started giving me crap about not finding a job yet. It's only been a week by the way.
Well, I try to ignore him, I was at my computer acting like I was reading my e-mail, trying to get him to shut up and go away. He keeps yelling at me, calling me names, telling me that he doesn't want me to live with him anymore, to go back to my Dad (which isn't a good subject) etc, etc. He starts to get in my face and point his finger in my face, so I stand up and yell at him to leave me alone. Then he pushes me down, hard. You have to understand that he's 5'8" and weighs like 240 lbs and I'm only 5'2" and weigh like 120 lbs, so there's a big difference in our strength. He claims that he pushed me down because I stepped on his toe, we were both barefoot, but I KNOW that I didn't step on his toe. He just got angry and pushed me to get me out of his face. I cried, got angry and left the house for about an hour.
When I came back he wouldn't really talk to me, but kept saying that he didn't mean to push me, he had to because I stepped on his toe (which I didn't). He seemed quilty, but wouldn't act normal about it.
That was yesterday. Today I left the house right before he got home from work and I spent 2 hours looking for a job. I half expected him to call me, ask where I was. He didn't. Needless to say that made me mad and hurt my feelings more. I haven't done anything wrong. All I did was defend myself, and he over-reacted and kept trying to fight with me when I was trying to stop. He won't talk to me at all today, acts like he has an attitude and that I'VE done soemthing wrong! This is insane!
I forgot to mention that after he pushed me down yesterday he kept telling me " Go ahead, get it over with, hit me!" and I said that he just wanted me to hit him so that he'd feel less bad about pushing me. I didn't hit him. I just walked away and left the house.
Well, I don't know what else to say. I am very, VERY mad at him right now and I even question if I love him at all anymore. The situation I'm in right now requires me to stay where I am, but I can't stand even looking at him, especially because he acts like he's the one who's been hurt. He always acts like a little baby, like I always have to be the strong one and make everything better. Not this time. I want him to come to me, say that he's sorry, that he messed up.
Thanks for reading this long mess. If you have had similiar experiences, please leave me a comment or some advice. I feel so ALONE right now. Thanks.

Replies(15)

worrywart01 replied on June 26th, 2008

Active User, Really EHEALTHy

I think that you deserve better than this honestly...he seems to show absolutely no remorse about what he did and still wants to pout around like he's the victim...if he does it once he'll do it again, and if you choose to put up with it..he KNOWS that...you need a man that will support you no matter what you're going through, maybe you two should talk about what happened if you do for some reason choose to stay with him...and if he continues to act the way he does he WILL continue to act like that...ask yourself, is that something you want to put up with for the rest of your life? really?

Users who thank worrywart01 for this post: lil_scorpio

lil_scorpio replied on June 26th, 2008

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Thank you for the advice and concern worrywart01. He finally stopped acting like a big baby later on today and we talked. I don't know if I'll stay with him forever, everything you said is right and I know that. I asked him how would he feel if I treated him the same way, if I didn't seem to care about him and if I pouted all the time like he does. He made it clear that he wouldn't like that and I said, "well, what makes you think that I would?" We've talked about couple's councilers before, I'll see what I can do. You're right too, is this something that I want to deal with for the rest of my life? I know that it's not. I guess that I'm just stupid and I think that people can change. Thanks for the advice.

diamondsz replied on June 27th, 2008

Extremely EHEALTHy

Wow, I read your post and felt like I was reading part of my life, they think its just that much harder, when in reality its almost insanity staying at home all day. Its called conjugal violence, its a matter of control or knowing that can have power over another, I am currently still going through it and I hope it changes but sometimes it doesnt but its alot of hope.

I would walk away from a fight, or I would say I didnt want to fight or hear negative comments but he would get in my face, so I would walk away and he would follow me. It only got worse and I had to leave but I went back on the condition we work at it(kids involved) and still nothing has changed, its like it only get worse and never better. I have given him 6 weeks to pull his act together or at least some type of small change and thne I leave for good but its not a pretty process.

All the best to you and I hope things work out if not, there is a million of fish in the sea,

You can send me a pm if you want~!
Jess

worrywart01 replied on June 28th, 2008

Active User, Really EHEALTHy

i dont know, i think some people can change..and if he IS willing to work on it with you and see a counselor then great..if not...and you do see this repetitive pattern then...you should probably get out while you can...as the above poster said..there is another man out there for you that would treat you like a princess Smile

Users who thank worrywart01 for this post: lil_scorpio

Sydney123456 replied on July 9th, 2008

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Hmmm...I'm not excusing this by ANY means, but everyone has their "one" slip up. I'm sure he's just as stressed as you are, but that does not excuse his actions.

Did you say he apologized? And, has this happened before? I'm starting to feel like maybe these actions have happened before? You just seem like you've had it UP TO HERE with it which leads me to the conclusion that this has happened before.

It seems like he has GREAT potential to be emotionally abusive, if he isn't already (as you said, he referenced your dad which isn't a good thing).

Honey, I would sort yourself out. Maybe...kinda be on your own for awhile. Search for a job without his input or anything. Go out to dinner by yourself or something...do something on your own. Just to relax...clear your head without being around him. You need time for yourself too, you know!

:: hugs ::

TMJWorld replied on July 9th, 2008

Extremely EHEALTHy

Honesty dear---you need to put distance between you and him. if any guy touched me in order to push me down, hit me etc. it would be over for him. If he does that to you he doesnt deserve you. You can do so much better. if you need to tal k im here

countryluvr replied on July 31st, 2008

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

From my experience guys that behave like this dont improve, thats not to say that he wont. If he ever did this again, I would be walking out the door!
Diamondsz, Why stay together for the kids? I walked out with a 18 month old and a 2.5 year old, best decision I have ever made. My kids are now teens and very challenging on occasion, I dread to think how they would be had they been taught that violence just because youre not getting your own way was an option.
Kids are so observant, they pick up on manipulation etc. and use it to their advantage. You and your kids are worth more than that!!!!!!!

Georgia59 replied on August 1st, 2008

Especially EHEALTHy

I couldn't ever imagine my husband pushing me down in anger. If he did, I'd be outta there. honestly, this relationship doesn't sound very helpful for either of you. Now, if this is an isolated incident in the last 4 1/2 years, I guess I'd give him another chance. But that's not the only thing I'm concerned about here, he doesn't sound emotionally supportive and it doesn't sound like the two of you have a very loving relationship.
Don't you want a man who is supportive? He seems bitter for no real reason.

Of course I only know what you've said here and I'm sure there's a lot more to your relationship, but these seem like warning signs that you at least need to consider what you're sticking around for. Financial security? A Home? If so, get out. Find a friend you can stay with.

Only stay with this guy if you actually think your relationship is beneficial to you as a person. Does he make you happy? Is he supportive to you? If so, you might want to work on communication... maybe with a therapist.

sweet_mom replied on August 14th, 2008

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

that's exactly how my ex was(ex being the underlined word)
he used to get in my face and wouldn't leave me alone when I would ask him to back off.we fought quite a bit. the turning point for me (sadly)was not the day he nearly broke my neck,it was the day my son smacked me in the face and when asked why he did it he said 'like daddy'.
my ex used to blame his father for the abuse he gave me.I refuse to let my son have the same excuse.
in situations like these you have to think of the children,sometimes it is best for the children to stay together and live in a 2 parent family.sometimes it is best to remove the children.like in my case,my son started hitting me because he could.he would see that it was alright for daddy to do it so it would be alright for him.

lil_scorpio replied on August 15th, 2008

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Thanks everybody

I would like to thank everybody for sharing their advice and experiences. Since the incident I have talked to my boyfriend a lot about the situation. We both talked about our feelings and reasons for acting in such ways. I do NOT excuse what he did, I never will accept such behavior.

We have been doing a lot better since then. We get into small disagreements now and then (as anyone would) and when I say I want to be left alone, he FINALLY leaves me alone. Since I posted this in June we have only had one big arguement, and I let him know right away that he just wouldn't let it drop and I just wanted the thing to end. He listened for once, and let it drop. After we both calmed down we talked normally about things and worked everything out.

I hope that things will continue to go this way. I know it is hard to leave someone you love and have been with for awhile, but I will NOT let anybody hit me.

Thanks again for everything! =)

molly moo replied on August 21st, 2008

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

hello
i have been in a simmlar situation only my idot threw me across a busy main road well to cut it short i got rid of him which was the bast thing i ever did he used to play mind games on me aswell and make me feel that everything was my fault years down the line i found out he was married twice they both devorced him as he beat them up so really i had a lucky escape! if i was you i would sort myself out with a job save most of the wages use him to your advantage then when youve saved enough i would leave just remember chick your not a punching bag or a doormat for him or anyone it always starts with a push or shove then eventually turns nasty then they are always so sorry you just lookafter you!

Users who thank molly moo for this post: lil_scorpio

steph7985 replied on August 23rd, 2008

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

UMMMM... He pushed you down? That's kind of abusive don't you think? I would not trust him not to do it again. That type of action is violence no matter how you look at it. I hope you dont think he wont do it again. Thats the type of actions that can lead to worse. My suggestion is to find someone new. You never know how bad it can get until it is too late. I hope I did not scare you, but it is true. I'd leave his behind.

Sydney123456 replied on August 23rd, 2008

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Lil_Scorpio, I'm glad things are better. It seems like you handled it well, and you both know how to deal with those situations in the future. I hope things continue in a positive manner!

But, never forget...don't put up with that caca anymore, ok??? Smile

Users who thank Sydney123456 for this post: lil_scorpio

lil_scorpio replied on August 23rd, 2008

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Sydney123456 wrote:

Thank you, and I won't forget! Wink

ang_10 replied on August 23rd, 2008

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

please don't get offended but i'd like to ask a few questions first...how long have you two been living together? do you have other roommates? since you have been living togther how many jobs have you had and how many has he had? are your finances tight as in living pay check to pay check? who is the one that pays the bills (not the money source but the finance organizer)? who's name are the bills in?

to me it sounds like he was hot, tired, and STRESSED...without two incomes to pay the bills, he is the one on the hot seat as far as them getting paid and if they are in his name that means extra stress for him...yes it was insensitive of him to not care about your stress but to me it sounds like that was a two way street in this case...finances are the number one reason of fighting amongst couples...violence is definately not the answer no matter how angry you are but if it was out of character for him it may have been a fluke...only time will tell...if you had lost several jobs during your relationship he may be fed up with supporting you and that may have fueled his fire...checking your email in that case would have made it worse b/c chatting online is a social enjoyment and during an argument shows disregard for seriousness...

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