can trust ever be rebuilt ? Posted: 03-24-08 20:42pm
I'm in desperate need of advice, i'm
confused, i'm a mess, and i don't know
what to do. I'll try to sum things up the
best that i can.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years,
we're both mid twenties.
About a year and a half in the
relationship, my bf told me he had a one
night stand a couple of months before. He
apologized, gave me a whole speech about
how he had realized i really meant a lot
to him and that he didn't want to lose me
over that mistake. Since the day he told
me this i asked 'with who?', and he only
answered 'with an old friend'. He refused
to tell me her name. He said he hadn't
seen her since then. I wanted to believe
him, and i wanted to make things work...
so i tried to get over it. Over the years
i suffered lots of triggers, the whole
thing hurt me so so much. Lots of times we
talked about it, he would confirm his
story and wouldn't tell me more about it.
He watched me cry, struggle...
After all these years, this issue surfaced
again. He was demanding 'truth' from me in
a trivial issue, so i told him if he
wanted us to be completely truthful about
everything, he still owed me a greater
truth, and told him to set the example. On
following days i started thinking about
the whole cheating thing again and lots of
thoughts entered my head, on why he could
tell me some gory details that i didn't
want to know but concealed so fervently
her identity. I started to think maybe it
was someone i knew well, and even hung out
together. It makes my stomach turn. I
expressed this to him, and told him i
needed him to be completely honest and
answer my questions to be able to let this
go and stop with the non-stop stories in
my head, i figured they would be much
worse than the truth.
Well, he dumped me. He said that i
obviously wasn't ever going to let this go
and that the best thing for me would be to
be apart so i could heal.
The next day he took that whole dumping
thing back, but expected me to just let go
of the issue. Now i was furious since he
would rather dump me than tell me her
name.
Since we were broken up, he called and
said he wanted to tell me the truth, that
there was no point in keeping it to
himself anymore. He said the truth was
that he made it all up. That he told me
that lie back then because he was mad at
me. And as time passed he just couldn't
bring himself to tell me the truth. He
figured we could just live with *that* as
the truth. He blamed me for the breakup
and said that i cared more for this than
for our relationship. That this was all a
test to see how much i loved him, and
that i failed miserably.
I was in shock.
I mean, i ASKED him about it a lot of
times, and he opted for keeping on hurting
me with this 'lie' than to apologize for
making it up.
I don't know what to believe. Either way
he lied to me horribly. Either he's lying
to me now about making it up, which is
totally cruel, or he lied about it for 3
and a half years, and i can't even trust
that when he seems sorry he really is,
cause now according to him back then he
told me because he was mad. He didn't seem
mad at all, he seemed sorry and
remorseful. Thought right after telling me
he went to a party by himself and had a
hell of a great time, so, how sorry could
he be?
Also, when we first started dating, he
asked me if i was a virgin, i said no. He
said he was, and looked clearly
disappointed that i wasn't. So i always
assumed that his first was with this
"friend" with whom he cheated.
Now that he tells me that he didn't cheat,
i wondered... then of what sexual
experience did you speak of? (cause he
spoke like he had sex before having it
with me). I mean, if he was a virgin and
didn't cheat? Then he said he lied before
when he told me he was a virgin. Cause he
didn't want to 'taint' this relationship
with his past.
Is it ridiculous to try to make sense of
this,... and far more ridiculous to try to
trust someone who has lied like this?
He says he loves me now and that he
doesn't want to be without me, but now i
feel like i have to blindfold myself and
not question any of these very
questionable behaviors anymore.
How could trust ever be rebuilt, if ever?
|
Beline
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Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 322 Location: , South Africa
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Posted: 04-21-08 09:05am
I would like to answer your question about
the ‘trust’ issue, but I need a bit
more information on your relationship
first. Apart from the mentioned issue, do
you have a strong relationship? How do you
deal with conflict on the overall? How
hard is it for you to forgive when someone
hurts you? And what is it that attracted
you to him in the first place? You seem
like a very sensitive person, (and so am
I) so I can relate to what you are going
through.
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Biani
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Posted: 04-27-08 01:14am
Hi Beline. Thank you for replying.
Well, i don't know if there's any point to
exploring this further... we broke up
already. It's been about a month since
that. He supposedly wants me back and is
writting some sort of book to explain
everything so i see that he's not so bad,
but he sure is taking his sweet time with
it.
He claims he loves me so much that he at
least wants to mend what he did to me. All
talk, no action. I don't even want him to
do anything. I don't think i can believe
anything he says anymore.
I just couldn't handle it anymore. I
thought we had a strong relationship, but
it was very flawed. I thought the strong
point was the honesty, and that we could
be totally open and honest with eachother.
Turns out this never existed.
With conflict... well, he dealt with it
sometimes by completely ignoring me and/or
making hurtful comments. I dealt with by
screaming/crying/storming out of the room.
Other milder types of conflict we talked
about and tried to reason our way through
it, this happened when we both were at a
place where we both wanted to fix the
problem. When we just couldn't come to an
agreement or one he was totally fed up and
would clam up or start being nasty, the
above would happen.
For me it's very hard to forgive when
someone hurts me. There haven't been many
people that have hurt me bad enough to not
be able to forgive them. Right now it's
just him. The other 2 or 3 people that
made me feel very betrayed i have already
forgiven and forgotten. Took me a lot of
time, but those people were just friends
of mine, what they did didn't hurt nearly
as much as this does. I can forgive a lot
of hurt, but in it's milder forms.
What attracted me to him in the first
place? well, he's cute, that's the first
thing that caught my attention, also that
he likes the same music as i do... then,
getting to know him i found we had a lot
of things in common, like our love for
dogs, our lack of addictions, don't smoke,
don't drink, got several hobbies in
common, we both like to stay at home and
do lame things rather than be out
partying, lol. We got along really well...
the chemistry was there too.
|
Beline
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Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 322 Location: , South Africa
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Posted: 04-28-08 14:12pm
I’m sorry for bombarding you with so
many questions, but the question: ‘can
trust be ever be rebuilt’ does not have
a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. It depends
on the individual, as well as the other
party.
If you are sensitive soul like yourself,
it is really hard, and if the other party
does not live up to your expectations it
is not possible at all.
Any relationship has foundations on which
it is built. The most common ones is (and
should be) love, respect and trust.
Depending on your upbringing and morals
you could add things like religion, shared
interests, etc.
Your boyfriend seems to be somebody with a
good upbringing (lack of addiction etc).
You have a lot in common, are comfortable
enough with each other to do ‘lame’
things together and of course the
chemistry.. See if he writes the
‘book’ and if he does, try to forgive
him, even if you decide not to get back
together. But it seemed like you had a
strong relationship. Might want to
reconsider?
|
Birch
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Posted: 04-28-08 14:48pm
Hey Biani, I read your post and was
initially thinking "why would he even tell
her he cheated on her at all?"
then I was shocked that he made the whole
thing up.
I respectfully disagree with Beline. I
would run the other way, regardless of
some book he's writing. It could be a big
lie, but then again, I am very cynical.
Having been in a relationship full of lies
and dealing with that emotionally, I just
have to say it's never, ever worth it.
It's like carrying around a locomotive on
your head.
I'd rather be alone than live like that
again. Best of luck to you...
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Beline
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Posted: 04-28-08 14:57pm
Better listen to Birch. She's much wiser
that I could ever dream to be.
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Rosie H
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Posted: 04-28-08 15:09pm
I also dont have a yes or no answer. but
the thing that stands out the most is the
fact that he lied about such a huge thing.
Maybe a lie about the phone bill or
whether or not he wants to see your
parents but cheating??? Thats just not
something you would lie about EVER. Right?
I dont know. It just seems fishy that in
the end he lied about this to get back at
you. Why would he need to hurt you in this
way? If its truly a lie then it still does
not justify the pain you had to go through
for 3 years. Because either way you look
at it he did something based on himself
that hurt you and that just isnt fair.
Take the time apart and really think about
your life with him and then wothout him.
Which one is better for you? Can you risk
getting caught up in these games again?
Even if he is telling the truth and did
not cheat, he still could do something out
of spite to hurt you in the future. That
makes a very unpredictable relationship.
Only you know your limits....and you sound
like you already know what to do....
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Biani
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
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Posted: 04-28-08 17:33pm
Thanks everybody.
Yeah... what really baffles me is that now
he says he made it up cause he was mad.
That he's sorry, he now knows i'm the
woman he wants to be with forever, etc...
Back then he said kind of the same things,
except for the forever part. So it sucks
cause i can't trust that what he's saying
is true. I mean, if according to him
THAT's what he looked like when he was
mad?
It just doesn't make any sense. And I'm
deeply afraid he just wants to hurt me
more. I don't know why he would hate me so
much.
This time apart has been a relief for me,
i don't have to drive myself crazy trying
to figure it all out. Though i really
think neither of his versions are
completely true or completely false. I
remember from time to time and it breaks
my heart, and sometimes i get really
angry, but i feel more peaceful. At least.
The other thing that really bothered me is
that he avoided going with me to any of my
social things like the plague. Like, a
cousin of mine got married, he didn't go
with me. Cause he didn't want to, finds
those things too boring. Later he claimed
he didn't have money. PLEASE! I KNOW he
had money at least to rent a tux. Having
him like about it and expect me to believe
it when HE KNOWS I KNOW the REAL reason.
Ugh.
My first niece was born this year. He
didn't come with me to the hospital to
meet her. Later my family had a get
together in honor of my niece, and he had
promised to go with me cause supposedly he
did want to meet her, and then backed out
at the last minute. He had also promised
to have dinner at my house on x-mas, and
backed out too. If i get invited anywhere
by other people, he won't come with me,
and most often than not gets mad if i go,
even if it's family.
He used to bring me along when he went to
hang out with his friends (who bring their
girlfriends or other girls too). But he
had told me he brings me cause he knows i
want to go, that if it were up to him he'd
rather go alone.
So that's not good...
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Biani
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
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Posted: 04-28-08 17:45pm
oh, in answer to 'why would he tell her he
cheated...?" Well, according to his
original story, he told me cause he wanted
to be completely honest with me, and
wanted to make things right.
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Birch
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Posted: 04-30-08 12:48pm
Thanks for updating Biani. It sounds like
where there is smoke, there is fire.
It's not that I don't think people can't
change. It's that it doesn't sound like
he has changed.
To be terribly blunt, assess your self
esteem if you are considering letting him
back into your life. Women and low self
esteem go hand in hand with allowing
abusive people back into their lives.
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Biani
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Posted: 04-30-08 13:06pm
No no... thank you for giving me your
honest opinion. I really appreciate it.
I had let him back in my life a lot of
times before, on the promise that NOW he
realized i was very valuable and blah
blah. But when the moment of truth came,
he said "i didn't agree to THIS", he
always had a way of getting out of our
agreement when we patched things up.
I think i'm finally done waiting for him
to own up to anything he says or promises
or the mistakes he's done.
And i agree with you Birch, i don't think
he's changed either. He's all talk, and
even in his talk he contradicts himself
way too much.
I'm used to people lying to 'protect' you.
Which i hate... now, lying to hurt you?
That's just too much for me to take.
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Rosie H
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Posted: 04-30-08 15:06pm
I agree. What he has done and keeps doing
just isnt fair. Also from him never
wanting to be with you during family
things or outings just means that hes not
willing to share you or it could mean that
he doesnt want to be completely committed
to you. Or it could mean that he just
doesnt care. But either way he runs his
life based on himself. My hubby has done
lots of things I know he doesnt like but
hes there no matter what and vice versa.
There's a certain amount that the other
person needs to scarifice for the other in
a relationship in order to be equals. But
there is nothing coming from his end. It
sounds like you are the only one is this
relationship.
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Biani
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
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Posted: 04-30-08 15:18pm
You know what i found more disturbing, on
this issue?
I always explained why it was important
for me that he be a part of my family
life, just at it's most basic... i didn't
want him to become the son they never had
or be the life of the party or anything,
just to show support for me and be with
me... I always talked about compromising.
I knew he didn't like to do this (even
though my parents and sister are nice to
him, and the others he hasn't even met) so
that's why i was willing to not make him
go to everything... just the important
stuff, 3-4 times a year tops. He said that
if i wanted to 'compromise' then i would
have to stop going to some events too. In
honor of 'sacrificing for the other'. He
said that because he was being such a good
sport, it was ok for me to go, but what he
wanted was for me not to drag him along. I
argued that i had gone with him to a
couple of his family things (the only ones
i got invited to, and mainly the only ones
they had in all of these years), and he
said that i went cause i wanted to, no one
forced me. He made me feel like the
selfish one for wanting him to be my
'escort' and bore the life out of him just
so my family could see 'ooooh, she DOES
have a boyfriend'.
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Willa Weintraub
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Posted: 05-08-08 08:38am
No. This is not someone you need to be
with for the rest of your life. I believe
he did cheat on you but got so tired of
seeing you hurt after 3 years, he decided
to lie and say it was a test. Even if t
was a test, who does that? that is the
most immature and hurtful thing someone
could do. He is untrustworthy and I would
go on to bigger and better things. The
only reason he said you failed the test
miserably, is because he knows he was in
the wrong.
I hope you find someone better than him.
Please move on and do not lok back. He is
not worthy of your time. Good luck with
everything.
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Biani
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
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Posted: 05-08-08 10:51am
Thank you Willa. The sad thing right now
is that i have to remind myself of this
constantly, as i'm starting to miss him
horribly. It's like the anger and outrage
has worn off and sadness is kicking in. I
hate this stage... hopefully it will pass
soon enough.
Thanks so much for your support!
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3402 Location: The Beach!
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Posted: 05-08-08 10:58am
I know how it is Biani, trust me. You
really do need to keep reminding yourself
of those things. After a bit you might
forget and maybe you'll want to get back
with him but soon after you do, it will
all come back. I know because I made that
mistake several times like an fool. Your
better off without him, and with someone
who treats you better. If you ever need to
talk, pm me!
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