Depression Forum - coping with major depression

I dont know where to start as for the last 11 years my life has been nothing but sheer hell..This is a very long story but i needed to write it to give u a picture of how i got to where i am today..
It all started after i got married....i was only 20.
My Wedding day was perfect,it was the best day of my life,i loved my husband more than anything and to be his wife was just the icing on the cake...
We decided to try for a baby and after a year of trying nothing happened so we went to get tested..his sperm was fine so it was me..
It turned out that i had a severe case of endometriosis..Drug after drug they tried to get me pregnant and nothing worked ...i had surgery 3 times to remove the disease but it always came back..5 years on our only hope was IVF and bingo i fell pregnant the first time with twins..i felt like the luckiest girl in the world..2 babies,perfect husband..
Well i went into premature labour and they were born at 30 weeks...extremely tiny but they were fighters..
They had their problems the first week of life but so did i..
I had a severe migraine 3 days after the birth then i lost vision in my left eye and then i got constant dizziness/vertigo ..I couldnt get upto the babies to see them and it was torture..
I had doctor after doctor visiting me to try to work out what went wrong..no one had an answer..
I just wanted to get better so i can be the mother that i tried so hard to be..
But it wasnt meant to be..
Over the following 5 years i was practically bedridden..i couldnt drive,couldnt walk,couldnt see properly...the vertigo was always there 24/7..My husband and my mother cared for me and the twins...my poor mother was over 6:30am every morning as my husband went to work and she left when he returned from work which was around 5pm..I lost alot of weight from the constant nausea i had with the vertigo..i was only 36kgs..
I used to watch other women from my windows being normal mums,playing with their kids,walking with them..i used to cry all the time wishing i could do it..I felt like killing myself..life wasnt worth living .
Doctors never did work out what caused this or even how to treat it..i was fighting the vertigo alone.
My husband would cook tea when he got home,do the shopping,take me to every doctor appointment,bath the kids etc etc...i felt horrible not being able to help..
When the boys were 4 my mother was diagnosed with alzheimers and she was only 56..she went from bad to worse in a matter of a year..so i lost my mother helping me..life got tougher..and i missed my mum.
When the boys were 5 they just started school and my husband told me he cant handle it anymore and leaves..
The twins and i moved in with my father and i was shattered..i had a breakdown and was suicidal..my weight got down to 35kgs..and they wouldnt put me on medication fearing i would take a drug overdose..
It has now been 3 years since he left,im still at my fathers..he cares for my mum fulltime ..I am still very depressed ..my moods swings are severe and i just snap with anger or i get frustrated easily..
i cry most of the day,i have no interest in life at all.
When im driving i would think about just swerving into a tree or i would see a branch and think about how good it would be to hang myself from it..
I hate myself so much that i would be straightening my hair with a straightening iron and i would burn my arm cuz at least for a few hours the pain of the burn takes away memories in my head ..
I love my boys so much and i feel my depression affects them as well...they know im not happy..they dont have a normal mum that can take them shopping or out for a day of fun..i try my best on a good day but they seem to be disappearing.
I cry myself to sleep every night..i miss the family life..i miss my husband...to top all this off the government has made me look for work or i dont get welfare..i told them of my vertigo and of my depression but they say i still have to work at least 15 hours a week..my doctors wrote medical certificates and they refused them..
How can i do this with my illnesses..
I cant cope now with everyday life, working will just push me over the edge right now but i have no choice..
Im on 2 lots of antidepressents that arent helping at all...im seeing a pyschologist that i dont see is working for me,i dont tell him really how im feeling,i bottle it up...
I cant talk to my father as he has enough on his plate with mum..i dont have any close friends....My ex husband moved over to Canada and remarried and had a baby..he has moved on..
He doesnt contact the boys,he dont pay any money to me to help me with the kids..i just feel like giving up..
this is not how i planned my life when i decided to have kids...
I didnt even experience motherhood....and never will again..oh i forgot to say i had to have a hysterectomy 6 years ago ..so i guess u can imagine the pain i felt when my ex husband and his new wife had a baby..i close my eyes and i see him playing with this new baby ..i was a hopeless wife..hopeless mother and hopeless daughter...
I jus dont know where to turn.. Sad