Depressed and want a baby Posted: 07-03-08 16:06pm
I'm not sure where to start...I had a
traumatic childhood, and have severed ties
with my mother. I feel better for having
done that, because it was making me ill
having communication with her. I now feel
an immense sense of loss, which is made
worse by the fact that my body has decided
it's 'baby time' and my husband isn't
ready. I feel like if we have a child I
can start creating my own family instead
of hoping that one day my family will
become the sort of people I always hoped
for - supportive, loving and
unconditionally there for me.
I love my husband very much, and our life
is great. I live in his country, but I
haven't had much luck finding friends here
who I really connect with. Most of the
time I feel fine and can't believe how
lucky I am to have been able to leave my
unstable life in Europe, and start again
from scratch in America.
Sometimes though, it's like something just
trips in my head and I get really
emotional. I've been suicidal before, and
now at times times thoughts of death still
pop into my head. Strangely, I'm quite
accepting of the idea if things don't work
out, like fate. I just know that if we
ever separate I'll kill myself, and if we
don't start the family I need, then I
won't want to live either.
I haven't had a stable family life since I
was 10. My mother and her husband dumped
me on my father's doorstep. His wife
didn't want me there either, so I got
'passed' back and forth several times
until I left home. I know I can be a
difficult person to be around sometimes,
as I'm really sensitive to any form of
rejection. I freak out and cry a lot, then
feel embaressed afterwards.
My husband says we can have kids
eventually, but I'm 33, and I don't want
to risk leaving it too late in case we
can't conceive. He's got a good job with
benefits, and we rent a 3 bedroom house.
He just wants to wait so we can have more
time together before we start a family. I
understand that, and I'm trying really
hard to not put pressure on him, but when
all these emotions come over me, I don't
know what to do. I don't have anyone to
talk to really, and feel like I need a
mother now more than any time in my life.
