Joined: 28 May 2008 Posts: 60 Location: London, UK
Thanks: 7
Thanked:9
Feel like I can't win.. Posted: 06-09-08 12:14pm
Not that winning is important when it
comes to love..
I'm 27 male and have a 21 year old
boyfriend. We get on great usually and
wind each other up and have a laugh etc.
etc. Obvs we don't just wind each other up
all the time we have a very healthy
relationship (usually) where we say "I
love you" lots of times thru out the day
and we are really compatible in the
bedroom dept. which I have never
experienced going so well.
Anyway, when we argue its only ever about
the SAME THING..
He is annoyed with the way I present that
I am 'upset with him'. Rather that just
apologise MEANINGFULLY and moving on. He
will *in a half ass way* say sorry but i
don't feel that it is meant. We will then
sit in silence before he launches 101
excuses as to why he shouted at me as
supposed to eating humble pie and just
being really sorry about how he shouted at
me. I mean I was the one that was hurt and
he starts banging on about how I shouldn't
assume he was being aggressive. But I mean
surely I can be forgiven for feeling he
was being aggressive when he snapped
during a video game. Should I be more
leanient. I didn't invent that I was
hurt.. my hand was shaking... I showed my
vulnerability I didn't get angry at him.
Why was he at me. Its soo destructive to
get upset with someone when they are
already upset with you.. I need to depend
on him sometimes and he keeps letting me
down.
I do not see this post as an opportunity
to have a go - I really need you guys' /
gals advice.. Am I wrong? Do I need to be
more understanding? Why did he feel the
need to justify shouted rather than focus
on MY feelings and being nice and
sweet..?
What do I do?
|
JYoungBear
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2007 Posts: 146 Location: , MA
Thanks: 33
Thanked:14
Posted: 06-09-08 13:05pm
So, let me make sure I am seeing this post
straight - he got angry at you over a
video game? And he can't apologize for
snapping at you?
I think it's time to have a nice
heart-to-heart. Tell him flat out that
when he snaps at you, and half-asses the
apology, it hurts you. A successful
relationship involves being on the same
page with each other, physically and
emotionally. It also involves
communication.
I had a recent spat with my bf (actually,
about a month ago), and it was me putting
my foot in my mouth about something. I
apologized, and meant it, and made sure I
meant it to him. I admitted, I was dumb
to even ask whatever it was I asked.
Beyond that, we always communicate with
each other, enjoy the same things, and if
one of is us out of line, the other is
right there to keep a check on.
If you two love each other, making sure
that everything is in check with each
other, as much as possible, will help
satisfy that love for each other.
As I have not been involved in a
relationship, I'm not exactly "Miss
Advice," but trust me, I know ridiculous
when I see (read) it. I have to agree with
Mr. Bear; communication is a vital aspect
of any relationship. It's communication,
among other things, which, I believe,
ensures a healthy relationship. He has to
be able to express himself to you, after
an argument, in a dignified way, and that
means recognizing when he messes up. If he
can't do that, he's disrupting the
communication between the two of you and,
furthermore, I would venture to say
disrespecting you.
When you appraoch him with this, however,
I would make sure not only to make it very
clear that you have a problem with his
responses during arguments but to also
approach this situation with a little bit
of sensitivity as many people, especially
men, have an issue with hearing anything
related to their personal flaws.
Good luck,
Taylore Marie
|
Unifier
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 May 2008 Posts: 60 Location: London, UK
Thanks: 7
Thanked:9
Posted: 06-10-08 05:24am
wow i really appreciate the advice!! esp
when my post doesn't make much sense.. thx
guys
he say that when I do something wrong and
have to apologise its easy for me coz he
'acts sad' and then i can apologise
easily..
but apparently i act angry he says - but i
didn't shout at him or anything i really
did look SAD. Nothing seems to be good
enough for him to warrant me deserving an
apology..
sigh
|
JYoungBear
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2007 Posts: 146 Location: , MA
Thanks: 33
Thanked:14
Posted: 06-10-08 10:17am
Unifier
wrote:
wow i really appreciate the
advice!! esp when my post doesn't make
much sense.. thx guys
he say that when I do something wrong and
have to apologise its easy for me coz he
'acts sad' and then i can apologise
easily..
but apparently i act angry he says - but i
didn't shout at him or anything i really
did look SAD. Nothing seems to be good
enough for him to warrant me deserving an
apology..
sigh
"Acts sad"?????
Relationships are not acts!!
If you are expressing sensitivity to him,
and when you have to apologize for
something and mean it sincerely, but he's
acting all pompous about his own personal
character flaws, I would see that as a
slap in the face... as if, he's always
right, you are always wrong, end of
story.
No relationship is perfect, I will say
that right now. My bf and I get along
absolutely wonderfully, however, we have
our moments. But we support each other,
and don't jump right into confrontations
if one or the other is acting out of line.
Sure, miscommunication can happen, but if
the couple are on the same page, those
times should be so few, far in between.
My advice still stands: Heart-to-heart,
don't back down, tell him as up front as
you can humanly be, but being civil. If
you have to, tell him to get off his high
horse, put himself in your shoes, and
imagine how you feel when you get shrugged
off all those times where he needed to
apolgize for something, or he berated you,
or anything that you don't like.
I will repeat myself - relationships are
not acts. If anything, acts of kindness,
affection, things that show your truest
feelings for your bf.
Also, be prepared that if he is not
willing to budge and throw some effort
into making things work in a more
meaningful way, to part ways and find
someone right for you. As I am learning
slowly, there is always someone for
everyone out there, it just takes the
right moment to find that special someone.
|
rooted
Supporter
Joined: 22 Mar 2007 Posts: 529
Thanks: 11
Thanked:0
Posted: 07-16-08 04:17am
Well, I'm personally working on this
issue. I shout because I'm angry. I'm
angry b/c that's the behavioral pattern my
parents modeled to me and I picked up.
Anger-outburst-feel better. It's not very
healthy.
Your BF needs to want to change this
before you're going to see anything
different. He needs to own his anger and
be responsible for it. Otherwise, you're
barking up the wrong tree. And you can
also work on your part --- which is
detaching from his reaction. Take
responsibility for your own self-esteem.
His outbreaks do not need to rock your
boat unless you allow it.
|
amandapaige
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jul 2008 Posts: 6
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Ever considered ur bf has emotional problem? Posted: 07-16-08 05:36am
I assumed he has anger management issue
which needs to be addressed. He might have
previous experience that when something
frustrates him, he reacts overactedly.
The worst part of this assumption...try to
explore if he was ADHD, deppresed or have
Bipolar tendencies. Bipolar tends to be
very sweet person and then snaps at any
moment and turn ur world up side down.
Be strong and try to research some more
about behavioral psychology, it will help
u understand why ur BF is acting extremely
diffferent. Don't consult Psychologist or
any mental experts...bettter read some
more literature and learn about more about
your BF.
Good luck!
