I wasn't gonna post this on the forum at
all because i thought i could get over it
by myself but i am finding it much more
difficult than i thought i would.
to cut a long story short, i did a bad
thing 2 weeks ago. i read my boyfriend
Mike's journal. i don't know why i did it
- he hadn't given me any reason to be
suspicious. we're in a very comitted
loving relationship. well that's what i
thought anyway. i was really really
shocked by what i found.
me and him started dating in september
2005, and there are various diary entries
all the way up to december 2005 saying he
is in love with Natalie(girl he used to
work with) and he was bringing her back to
bed with him after drunken work nights out
and stuff. there was no sex, but they were
naked in bed together on a few occasions.
he is honestly and truly the last person i
would ever expect to do something like
this. i confronted him and over the course
of a very emotional few days we argued and
discussed it. it emerged that Natalie was
someone he had a stupid obsession with -
they were never going out, they never had
sex, they just worked together and had a
bit of a soft spot for each other. any
time she had a fight with her boyfriend
she would run to him and he was naive
enough to let it happen. he says it only
went on in the very early stages of our
relationship and once he realised me and
him had something special it all stopped.
he says he wasn't in love with me back
then but now he is and he would obviously
never do anything like that now. i believe
him. he's deleted her number and says he
is happy never to see her ever again and
he promises me i will never have to see
her either.
shortly after i found out about it things
got back to normal quite quickly. i
forgave him. but over the last few days
the paranoia and mood swings are creeping
back. every day i think of something new
about it that upsets me. I imagine little
things like how his flatmate might have
seen Natalie leave his room one morning
and giving Mike the thumbs up as if to say
"nice one, mate! score!". Thinking about
how a lot of his friends probably knew
about it long before me is really
humiliating. i can't stop myself crying
all the time. yesterday me and him were
having sex and i was really enjoying it
until i started thinking "yeah. f**k me
like i'm Natalie!" and then i burst into
tears. i want to be with him and i want
us to put it all behind us. but i can't
seem to look at him the same way anymore.
i can't stop thinking about it and
thinking about her. all the time. do you
think that in time i will come to accept
it was in the past and forgive and forget?
we are supposed to be going on holiday
together this summer. we've been planning
it for ages. the tickets have to be booked
2 weeks today. but i don't know if i
should be making plans with him when i
still feel this upset and unbalanced. any
input from people who have had similar
experiences would be really helpful to me.
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 03-24-08 12:12pm
You know what, reguardless of the fact if
he loved you at the time or not, you were
still together and he still cheated. How
can you trust him now? He has broken that
trust and you will continue feeling the
way you do until it's over. I'm afraid to
say it but it's true. Some people *can*
get past it but it's very hard. How do you
know it's not recent?
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fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Thanks: 1
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Posted: 03-24-08 13:10pm
well the way it goes is like this: we met
in september, started going out, texting,
etc. i accept that at the very start
there was never any mention of us being
boyfriend and girlfriend. so maybe if it
was in the first month or so i wouldn't
have minded so much. but by early november
we were official. i remember cos us and a
group of friends were out at a gig
together, and one of my mates asked "so,
Mike, are you and Fiona boyfriend and
girlfriend, then?" and he said yes. Well i
found out that the very night before that
he had got drunk at a work do and she had
stayed the night. he swears that was the
only time, and nothing ever happened after
we became official.
get this, this is the ridiculous bit!!
directly after i found out and we were
arguing, he came over and he actually
brought his diary over to prove that was
the last time and said "look, read it,
there's nothing after that date." but
there was!!! i was able to point out a
couple of other entries all the way up to
mid december where she spent the night
with him. you know what? he wasn't able to
tell me anything about those nights cos he
doesn't remember. can you believe that?
can you believe he actually didn't
remember? absolutely blows my mind.
well anyway, shortly after that he left
work and Natalie disappeared off the
radar. she was in an abusive relationship
and had a child from that guy. 2 years on
after breaking up with him she is making
some sort of a reappearance. i think she
is trying to get back old friends she lost
and rebuild her life without her ex, so
she has started hanging around with old
work friends and stuff. catching up. Her
and Mike and a bunch of old work friends
have met up a few times since the new
year. i think he feels sorry for her cos
she's now a single mum and hasn't many
friends. i've read every single one of his
messages on his phone and there are a lot
from her, but the ones he has sent back
have been quite blunt, he hasn't been
reciprocating any romantic feelings. i
know nothing has happened between them
recently but i still think it is grossly
inappropriate that he has had any contact
whatsoever with her after what he did.
he is really sorry. he knows how much he
has messed up. he is trying so hard to
make it up to me. i know he'd never do
anything like this again. but i can't seem
to forget it. i don't know if it gets
easier with time or not.
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 03-24-08 13:26pm
You know, it doesn't get easier. My ex
cheated on me and it was horrible. I tried
to forgive him and after a bit I did but
it *always* remained in the back of my
mind what he did. I knew now after still
being with him for another year (this has
been over for quite some time now) that I
would never trust him again and that was
it. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my
book. Yes people can change but *you* will
always think differently since it
happened. Being in a relationship where
you constantly feel like you have to look
over their shoulder or snoop through their
things is so unhealthy. You deserve so
much better than that.
You never thought he would do it in the
first place, so why do you think he
wouldn't do it again?
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fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
Thanks: 1
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Posted: 03-24-08 15:27pm
thanks so much for your post. i really
appreciate you taking the time to
respond.
i have no idea why mine is 'being
reviewed'. what could i possibly have
said? :S
i really don't know what to do. even my
very close friends who know me and him
well are saying we'll work it out. people
who you'd think would tell me to ditch him
are actually saying "look, you and Mike
are the best couple we've ever known,
you'll work through this." we are so well
matched. we get on so well, so considerate
towards each other. when people see us
together they always comment on what a
great couple we are. some have said "if
you and mike ever split up, that will be
my faith in couples gone." we are just
made for each other. i know he sees a
future with me, and i have always seen him
as the man i would spend the rest of my
life with, too.
i know that what he did was a stupid
(probably drunken) mistake and i know it
was ages ago. but you are so right - even
though i trust him not to do anything
remotely like this again, it has just
changed the way i look at him completely.
it's like he is a different person. there
is a bit of him i don't recognise. i find
it hard to look at him. this is so hard.
yeah i've started the snooping thing lol.
i don't think he's gonna contact her again
and he's deleted her number but she hasn't
deleted his and i'm scared she'll be
messaging or calling him. i read his
messages when he's not looking. i never
used to do that. not only that, but the
other day i went through the call list on
his mobile and noted down all the numbers
that didn't have names next to them.
thismorning i rang all those numbers to
see if a girl picked up the phone. i'm
turning into one of those people. it's not
healthy at all.
i change my opinion on the matter so many
times a day. 15 minutes ago i was thinking
the only way out was leaving him and
trying to piece my life together. five
minutes ago i was asking myself how i
could have ever thought of doing that. i
love him.
this is completely the wrong timing for
all this anyway. i'm at the very final
stage of my university degree. i have 8
weeks left. i'm supposed to be working
harder now than ever before, but i can't
do it. i can't concentrate on anything. i
cry all the time. i'm thinking of getting
a doctor's appointment to see if they can
put me on any anti-stress medication
because i simply cannot get any work done
in this state. i just want everything to
go back to how it was before i knew about
this. we were so happy together.
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 03-26-08 07:28am
This is definitely not healthy. I did
everything you say your doing now. It
sucks and it is no way to live. People say
that but they only see the surface of
things. No one knows what goes on behind
closed doors. He may see a future with you
yes but he still lied right to your face.
He told you there were no further entries
in his journal about him and that girl and
even let you read it. He probably thought
you wouldn't want to see it and take his
word, or that you would just skim through
and not notice. Don't let anyone guilt you
into staying with him because you will
crush their hopes for love. Read your last
sentence.
You *were* so happy together. I think if
you stay with him, it will just be drug
out and you will feel even worss later on.
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lonestarguy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 592 Location: , Hoosierland, USA
Thanks: 10
Thanked:1
Posted: 03-26-08 21:40pm
Fiona,
I am sorry to hear about this rift in your
relationship with Mike. It is not a small
thing that he did and he did admit that he
was obsessed with the girl.
Being male, I think most men are confused
when they are dating just how committed
they really are. He probably rationalised
at the time that you and he were not in
love, so he was giving himself permission
to be stupid and cheat.
The thing that worries me is your reaction
to this situation because it's not healthy
for you. It shows that you are not going
to get over his mistake easily and you
have a loss of trust that you may never
get over. Throw in the thoughts you are
having about the two of them together and
your anger over not knowing about it
sooner, and it might be time to call it
quits for your own mental health.
You may never look at him the same way
again and it will be difficult to trust
him since he was so good at deceiving you
before. Let me just say that the timing
for something like this is never right
because you feel like your whole world has
been turned upside down.
No matter what you decide, make it quick
so you can have some type of normalcy as
you finish your degree.
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Fairy Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1486 Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 80
Thanked:110
I agree Posted: 03-27-08 15:29pm
TOUCHE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I totally agree with
lonestar guy... Your education is far more
important that this relationship. Once a
cheater....always a cheater.....same as a
PLAYA........... You need to concentrate
on these last 8 weeks you have
left........There are plenty of decent
guys out there who will appreciate you and
you wont ever have to feel the need to
"snoop" again! Good luck!
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lisa1970
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jul 2008 Posts: 12
hi Posted: 07-08-08 07:34am
well i have to say ive been where your at
, its not easy + the only thing i have to
say is your relationship will never be
back to where you 1st started + if it
could be is it what you want , given that
he was playing from the start , you may
have been happy at the start but he really
wasnt to do what he did hun , dont want to
sound harsh but face reality . situation
like this is just a mater ov time b4 they
come to end , make it much easier on
yourself now to be strong + walk away from
the pain + hurt hes caused b4 you think
all guys are the same , as they are not ,
you just yet have to find the 1 that
appreciates you for who you are , no
lieing , cheating , being naive , excuses.
after reading how you feel its obvious
your so mixed up + confused due to how hes
made you feel in your self so much you
complain but reverse covering + making
excuses too for his actions for him , this
guy obviously knows he can do what he
likes due to you loving him so much . if
outsiders can see it from you , he
obviously can , so what you choose is your
choice , either accept this guy as he is +
for how good he is at playing you , + stop
complaining or put up with it + accept .
guys are not all the same but you deserve
much beter. stop making excuses for is
actions which is excatly wot ur doing
here.
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fiona05
Supporter
Joined: 21 Dec 2005 Posts: 663 Location: , Norn Iron
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Posted: 07-30-08 11:19am
when i posted here months ago, one of my
posts was removed. i used a swearword to
stress emphasis to what was already a very
heartfelt post, but i bleeped it all out
so i hadn't really sworn at all. i was
looking for help and advice through a very
difficult time, and i was so offended that
someone, rather than helping me, chose to
report something so petty. i was so
offended in fact, that i haven't been back
since.
i'm just posting to update.
me and him are still together. don't get
me wrong, i do think about natalie almost
once every day. but i don't feel angry at
him anymore. it is in the past. i know to
many it would seem like i am in a state of
denial, but i am not. i know what he did
and i have worked past it. what we have
is too good to throw away.
he is working harder at our relationship
than ever before. it is interesting to see
the tables turn. years ago, it used to be
me who chased him, but now he chases me.
in a way it is impowering, but mostly it
shows how dedicated he is to me and to our
relationship. he knows never to step out
of line like that ever again. but more
importantly, he doesn't want to. and that
is the most important thing to me.
we went on a great holiday recently, and a
few days ago he asked me to move in with
him, and i think i will. i see a future
with him. even if it all messes up
somewhere down the line then at least i
won't be able to say i wasted my time with
him... i am very happy, so it is not
wasted time.
thanks to all who offered their help.
incidentally, i did pass all my exams and
i graduated.
