He cheated but I'm the one in the doghouse... Advice needed.

So I guess I'll start at the beginning...

I've been with Dylan officially for four months now {unofficially for over a year} and everything has been as close to perfect as possible. We never really had big fights. We had our differences and disagreed a bit but they never really escalated into anything more than that. We had that kind of relationship that only happens in the movies.

Then three weeks ago we started fighting almost constantly. I think a lot of it was cause by a mutual friend, Dani. She would start drama for the sake of drama. She would come to me and talk all this crap about Dylan and things he was supposedly doing behind my back and then go to him and say the same thing about me. Which started many of our fights.

Then one of his best friends, John, came to me and told me that Dylan had cheated on me and that he felt that I deserved to know. Dylan had told John about it and said he felt bad and John told him that if he didn't own up to it then he was going to tell me and he did. That same day Dylan's brother, Dusty, came over to tell me that Dylan was with another girl at their house as we were speaking and when I went over there he didn't answer the door. I called him later that night and he told me that he never heard me knock even tho I knock four times and stood there for almost five minutes.

We talked about everything and I started wanting to forgive him because I'm a believer in second chances. But another part of me was listening to Dani and John and was still skeptical about staying with him. On Friday night {the 22nd} Austin, a guy who has a crush on me, picked me up to take me to John's to chill with everybody {we're all one big group of friends} Dani and John kept saying that I should leave Dylan for Austin because Austin could treat me so much better than Dylan and I ended up kissing him that night to see if maybe someone else was really what I wanted. I immediatly regretted it and told him it wasn't what I wanted and that it felt wrong. When I got home that night I called Dylan and he asked me if I had kissed Austin and I told him the truth and explained everything and he broke up with me. We decided to take a month long break and then we would talk and see how we felt. But I thought he was just trying not to hurt me and I thought I had already lost him for good.

Now I'm not one to handle things like that very well and I stupidly decided to spend all of Sat. afternoon drinking it all away. Austin gave me a ride to John's again that night and I continued to drink. What you have to know about me is that when I drink because I feel hurt and rejected, I feel like I have to validate myself. Which I apparently tried to do by making out with Austin, giving him a lap dance, and passing out on the same bed. {No sex.} Between the booze and Dani and John in my ear telling me that this was what I should do, what I really wanted went out the window.

When I woke up the next morning I wanted nothing to do with Austin. I felt like trash because I know I would have never done what I did if I had been sober. Then Dylan called me that day to tell me that he really did love me and that I was the one he wanted to end up with which made everything thing I did that much worse.

The same people {Dani and John} that were telling me that Austin was the way to go ended up telling Dylan what happened on Monday night. Dylan was furious. And part of me thinks he has every right to be. But the other part of me is furious with him for being mad at all because I think he did cheat on me in the first place {even tho he swears he didn't} and I forgave him for it. I told him that if he did, I forgive him and if he didn't, then there was nothing to worry about. And then he broke up with me over one stupid kiss and got mad at me for something I did when I was "single" and drunk.

I want him back with all my heart. We're still trying the month long break and during that time we're supposed to be bettering ourselves for the other person. And right now I'm trying so hard. I know it's only been a short time but in the past week I'm quitting smoking because Dylan hates it{I've gone from a pack and a half a day to only two smokes this whole week} and I've decided I'm never drinking again unless it's just to have a good time and Dylan is there. And I'm going to all my classes everyday and I'm not sneaking out at night. My dad has even said something about how he noticed how hard I'm trying to change.

I also have one more potentially huge problem... I might be pregnant with Dylan's baby. I'm not sure at all. My periods are completely irregular so I have no idea if I'm late or not. My boobs are heavy, tender, and sore {especially my nipples} and have been for a week or two now. I have to pee constantly. {I've gotten up twice just writing this.} I'm tired all the time and I get nausea once in a while. I know there are hundreds of reasons I could be having these problems but I'm a worrier. I know the first thing I should do is take a test, I'm just having a little trouble getting a hold of one.

As of right now Dylan doesn't know that I'm scared I might be pregnant. I'm not going to say anything until I know for sure because I don't want him to think I'm just saying it to try and get him back. And if it turns out that I am pregnant, I want to make him decide whether or not he wants to be with me before I tell him the news because I don't want him to be with me if it's just for the baby. That won't make either of us happy. On top of that, if I am pregnant, he's going to want me to have an abortion. I am completely pro-choice, it should not be the governments decision what I do with my body, but I don't know if I'd be able to go thru with that decision myself.

Any advice on any of this would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry I wrote a novel up there but you needed to know the whole story in order for any of it to make any sense. I don't know what to do... I'm completely overwhelmed. Any help would be great. Thanks.