Heart was crushed than broke by my first love...help me please.

Hi,
I met this girl on the internet (on a blog site) and we rarely talked from time to time during 3 months(only on msn). After the third month in June, she said something that took me by surprise....she said that she loved me. Hold on, we haven't even met yet I thought to myself. I didn't know what to say, it's not every day that I can have a girlfriend although that's my biggest fault : I don't know how to approach women. Anyway during the moment I said yes, and she said "Wow, I miss you already, etc...."
and then we exchanged mobile phone numbers' so that we could talk to each other the following night via mobile. After when I left msn, I had this deep gut feeling saying to me : "Hold on, you are in a relationship with a girl you never met" and then it hit me. I shouldn't go out with her, I barely know her, and she lives on the other side of France (I live in France).

So the next morning, I sent her an e-mail saying that I prefered us being friends, and stupid that I was, I felt that I regretted doing that. Anyway, we spoke that night for the very first time, and during our 4 hour conversation, I had a lot of fun, ok it was weird atthe start, asking what do you like?, etc...and after that we spent all our summer holidays on the phone talking to each other, one week w would be together in summer, the next SHE would change her mind, I didn't mind because at least I was speaking to her. We would stay up until 2 in the morning talking, I loved it, you know, just opening your heart to someone.

During that holiday I had to go to England to help my dad with his work, and we decided that it would be best to send 14 letters that each represents a day (I was in England for 2 weeks) so at least we would have some sort of communication between us. So there I was writing 7 letters before I got to England, just saying stuff like "Well today for you should be a Tuesday, blablabla..." and I was thrilled that she already sent 7 letters already through the post to England. I couldn't wait!^^

So I sent my first half of letters to her, when I got to England we agreed that we each shall open one letter a day.

A week past, and I already sent my 7 last letters out to her...but there was no answer, no letters coming through the post, each day on the last week, I thought..."weird, must be the postman being late"

- Monday
- Tuesday
- Wednesday
- Thursday
- Friday
- Saturday and finally Sunday I would spend just on the stairs sat down looking at the door where the postman puts the letters through...each day of the last week I would wait to see if today would be the day...nothing...nothing at all...

On a last moment decision, My dad said that we were going to have to stay in England for yet another week so 3 weeks in total...(don't worry I didn't seend anymore letters because I dad said that during the last week I could use his computer and go on msn, etc...) So I did, and there she was.

I said "hey", and she said "hey, how are you?" and I said "fine, I didn't get your last 7 letters through the post..." and she replied "Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I'm actually with my ex-boyfriend"

Wow...what was that screaming feeling I had when she said that...it was desastrous, I kept my cool...

[Her Boyfriend: Her ex-boyfriend was this macho guy who apparently kissed another girl behind her back...in response...she went out with another guy whilst they were together, to get him jealous. Her boyfriend barely phoned her and when he said, he will phone, he would always let her down...anyway whilst I was in England, he came back to her house and begged her to come back with him, she agreed]

I mean...HELLO!!!? DO I EXIST? what about my feelings? leaving me like that?

Anyway I was able to talk to her via mobile in England (lucky me) and she said that she had to go to the hospital for an operation on her teeth in a few days, and her boyfriend never phoned her or anything. I wanted to be there when she was in hospital to let her know that I'm there for her and she said that it's not how she wanted us to meet for the very first time, so I made her poems, funny long ones, to relieve her from the stress of the operation...where was her boyfriend? NO WHERE TO BE SEEN...

anyway she had the operation, and her boyfriend didn't call, hey I doubt that he knew about all this. And I was there back in France, gutted that she is with this loser and that I couldn't go down there with a bouquet of flowers saying "I'm here for you"...anyway we kept on phoning ach night and she would say "no sign of my boyfriend"...and I was the one there for her, she realised that a day after the operation, and so she left her boyfriend and went out with me....officially...so there I was end of August with an official girlfriend, happy at last.

We kept on speaking each night for hours about stuff, I loved it. But from time to time, she would have her ex- phoning crying saying "come back to me, please" and so she said .... "No, I'm with someone else"...good she stands in what she believes in. She talked about me to her friends all the time, she actuallt said taht for the first time in her life, she felt that she was a princess...I was over the moon, because I would always be there for her, motivating her when she was depressed, etc...loving her like an angel...etc...

months past and at Christmas she invited me for the first time to see her and to stay at her house...cool...I took 3 trains to get to her passing by Paris aswell, weeks ago, I went shopping thinking "Now what should I get for her parents and herself"...I just wanted to spoil her because for the first time...I realised that this girl is perfect for me, I love her...it was so great.

So there I was, in the last train, nervous on seeing her, and when I arrived at the station, I saw her face from the crowd...wow, she looks so pretty I said to myself. Anyway we spent a great time, ok, I was shy but who wouldn't be? I mean risking your life going across France to someone who haven't met before and meeting her big family with sisters and brothers. I impressed her brothers by playing video games and acting like ace ventura, just to make them like me, and it worked.

5 days after, I had to go back home ready for school again (she's 18, I was 19, but now 20). And when I phoned her, she said that she wanted to move in with me, and have a baby in the far future....things just couldn't get any better...I was on cloud nine. I said things like "yeah and in 10 years time, I would be waking you up saying in English "Wake up Wake Up"" (she was french) and just imagining things like that. Anyway a couple of weeks past and her ex kept phoning her drunk sometimes saying for her to come back with him. What an fool...and for some reason our love died down...I didn't know what to do, and then she broke up with me. She said that she wanted to wait, and have this relationship further in the future. pfff...

so a week past without phoning her, and then her friends contacted me, saying "she is still thinking about you, and loves you"...
so we spoke to each other, just as freinds, me with my broken heart...and a week after we were back together. And this time she invited me to see in biological father who lived in the south of France. Ok, so I took 4 trains down, and I was pretty tired and still a bit heart broken after the split up, but I tried to put that behind me. Anyway, it didn't really go well, because half of the time, I didn't know what to say...I was tired from crossing the country for her, and heart-broken...I just wanted to see her again, and be around her...and at night whe we would go to bed, she wanted to have sex but I just wasn't turned on...I felt like it but theer was something blocking me, something that wan't all quite there now if taht is me still heart-broken or tired, the please tell me. Because I still didn't know what it is, ok...we were both first-timers...anyway...

a week past after I went down there, and this time she broke-up with me for good, she said that she was changing and her feelings for me changed aswell, I was so hart-broken thinking that it was all to do with the sex and stuff...I regretted going down there.

When she "changed", she said that she was more realistic, that she doesn't believe in Prince charmings....HELLO?!!!!? I was always there for you, and you even said, and other sorts of stuff that got me agrevated. Anyway months past and she was judging me so badly, sayng that I'm this but I wasn't...it was crazy...heart-broken...she went out with another loser who left her in the dark after a while (I'm thinking that he slept with and left her)...anyway my heart wasn't broken it was crushed, saying all those things about me, and me just not saying anything about her, because I didn't want to lose her even if I was a friend.

6 months as past, and I would just look up at the clock ...Tick Tock Tick Tock....time went by, another day gone, and I couldn't get her out of my head...and she didn't and doesn't want to speak to me now...I'm so depressed...anyway for those 6 months, I stayed away from her but there was so many thing sthat I couldn't get my head around.

Anyway now I contacted her, to see if she was ok and stuff, just trying not to lose her...bottling up my emotions thinking that they will go away, but they haven't...and now, she just talked to me for the first time in months on msn, and I said..."So what's new?"
- "Nothing really, just that my Boyfriend..." Ouch! it hurt me, my heart weighed 20 tonnes more...I had trouble breathing.
I quickly said that my little brother wanted the CPU so I had to go, that was last night, and the truth...My family has gone away on holiday, there's no one here...I jsut needed an excuse to get out of there because each second I was on msn, my heart felt heavier and heavier...

WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHE'S GOING TO UNI IN A WEEKS TIME IN THIS 2 YEAR PROGRAM AND SHE WILL NEVER HAVE ANY FREE TIME, SHOULD I DELETE HER FROM MY LIFE? WOULD THAT MAKE THINGS BETTER ON MY SIDE?
CAN'T I JUST GO BALLISTIC WHY SHE TURNED HER BACK ON ME AFTER ALL I DID FOR HER?

it's just crazy, and last night I went to sleep at 6 in the morning...I can't speak to any of my friends because they live a long way from here, only on msn not face to face...

and the craziest thing is, when i looked on her blog a couple of days
ago....it looked like she change back to she was whilst I was with her!...I mean what does that mean? did she just make a lame excuse because she couldn't find any real reasons to ditch me?

Who I am? simple, I'm a type of guy who waits for that special person to come into my life, the perfect girl for me...and now it's just all gone, it feels like our love story is in another galaxie, that's how far it is for me...

help, I need help from this, I wished the film "An eternal Sunshine from the spotless Mind" did really exist to erase my memories and my feelings of her...

please help someone...please...

thanks...