Depression Forum - I feel terrible... Depression...

I don't really know where to begin, but here it goes...

1) One of the main causes of my depression was the loss of my grandfather in November last year. He wasn't just the normal grandpap you see everyonce in a while. I spent countless hours over at his house during the summer. Him and my grandmother babysat me since I was a 1 year old. I practically lived in their house because my parents worked so much. He was the kind of grandpap that loved to get hugs before all his grandchildren left. He would always carry me around on his shoulders when I was a young kid. He always knew how to make me laugh no matter what. As I'm writing this my eyes are burning up, my throat is clenching itself, my mouth is drying up , and I miss him so much... I just want him to come back. I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I loved him. I don't think there's anything that can cure this. I've been having dreams with him lately, and It's always the same. The family is eating dinner at my grandpap's house. It's like everything was exactly the same as it was before, but I soon realize that it's a dream. I end up running to him and yelling at him "Are you real!?" And shaking him, crying wildly. I usually wake up with tears down my face. It's been 4 months and I'm still crying violently about him. It hurts every time I write about him. I just want to see him again.

2) Girls. I've been told I'm very attractive, and that I'm "hot". But I have self esteem issues anyways. No matter what I think, I do not think of myself as attractive. I always shoot myself down, and I'm extremely timid around girls. Everytime a girl opens up to me or shows me any kindness I end up liking them, a lot. It's always the same after than, "you're a really nice guy, but I just want to be friends." I don't understand why my personality isn't attractive as a boyfriend. And yes, if you are wondering I am still a virgin. Although I really want to just give it up. I haven't even gotten a hand job or anything. I've just kissed two girls before. And the two girls that I kissed led me on. They didn't really like me. In the past few months up here at college I've fallen for a girl. A girl named Kelsey, who is beautiful, and such a sweet girl. But, every time I gather the courage to ask her our on a date, she's always busy. I've asked her six or seven times. I've given up her. I've told her I liked her, and she told me she doesnt want to have anything to do with guys.

3) I always worry about what others think of me. No matter what, even if it's someone I don't like. I'm always worried. I don't want anyone to hate me, even though it happens. My childhood in middle and high school was terrible. I had two friends that I truly cared about, and I don't even get to see them anymore up here at college. Throughout middle school I was hated for the fact that I didn't have a lot of money. And I'm hated because I'm quote on quote an atheist.... I bet many of you will judge right now. "Oh, he's an atheist that's why he's depressive..." I got beat up in middle school and the freshman year of high school because of both these reasons. I was also ridiculed because of who I was friends with. I was friends with the nerdy kids/fat kids, because I really liked them. They were nice, fun, and caring, and that's why I liked them.

I wasn't always like this. I alway thought it was something that would pass. I didn't worry so much about girls. Now, all I want is a girl that I can care for and love. I can't find her. I can barely find a girl that acknowledges me more than just a friend.

4) I'm not doing that well in school. I have around a 2.3-2.5 GPA. No matter what I do, I always do terrible on tests. I worry myself to death about them. Even if I do know most of the answers I still screw up. I'm afraid I'm going to screw up and mess my life up by not doing well in college.

There's more but I think this is enough for you guys to know. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading Sad