Joined: 20 May 2008 Posts: 17 Location: Washington, U.S.
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is this really a relationship? Posted: 05-27-08 13:47pm
so i've been with this guy for a couple
months,
that i really really like. we've been
inseperable ever
since we met.
i'm 16 & he's 21. i dont really know what
to think about us...but i need help.
we have not said "i love you" once.
we have sex... a lot.
& we act like best friends.
& he said that we are best friends. & that
he
didnt want to go any further. just stay
being friends
with benefits.
but...its hard, because i really like
him.
hearing that just kind of torn me apart.
he said he's too afraid to get in a
relationship because
he gets overly jelous & thinks im too
outgoing.
too scared to get in a relationship,
because he doesnt
want to get hurt...
but...idk...
i asked him what would happen if we both
found someone
better than eachother.
& there was no answer, from both of us.
& we just cried....
i cant tell, if he loves me, or is just
using me....
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Willa Weintraub
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Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
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Posted: 05-27-08 13:51pm
Wow, either he is putting on a show or he
is telling the truth. If he is not willing
to be with you there is nothing you can do
about it and the sleeping together should
stop asap. In this situation I would feel
used also. Most likely if you feel you are
being used, you really are.
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syntheticblue
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2008 Posts: 17 Location: Washington, U.S.
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Posted: 05-27-08 13:59pm
thats what ive been thinking too.
but i really wish it wasnt true, because
he really is my best friend.
& i feel only happy around him. &
i can tell
he is the same towards me.
yeah, he said if it bugged me that we
were
having sex & not dating, that we could
stop.
but i just want him to like me.
not use me. so if i did,
i'll just have to see how he reacts to it
:O
thanks!! xoxo
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Willa Weintraub
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Posted: 05-27-08 14:04pm
Yeah, definitely stop. I think thats the
best choice for you to make for yourself
right now. Maybe it will make him realize
how much he really does want to be with
you and he will push his fears aside? I
hope everything works out for you!
Your welcome!
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syntheticblue
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Posted: 05-27-08 14:06pm
aww, thanks!
yeah ive been stressing out so bad.
but that makes good sense.
& that will help me to see how he
reacts to it.
<333
xoxo
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emailus
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 May 2008 Posts: 9
does he have control issues from his father Posted: 05-27-08 14:49pm
Dear SB:
Regarding his jealousy and relationship or
commitment issues,
does he have control issues from his
father that he is projecting here on you.
How does he perceive his parents'
relationship and roles.
How do you perceive yours, were they
balanced or did the
husband control things and the wife
followed along.
If you both have issues from the past or
patterns you are repeating from
your parents or his or both, it is better
to resolve that directly rather than
project and repeat these issues in your
relationship with each other.
If you can gain a sense of mutual balance,
harmony and communication
where neither party is controlling or
depending on the other, but you
make decisions together, that is healthy.
Any friendship should have that level of
honest, respect and communication.
If you don't have that, then work on the
emotional or perceptional differences
or conflicts that are making you treat
this person or this relationship with
less respect than you would a friendship.
If you can identify and resolve your
weaknesses or conflicts, you will be
successful in all your relationships.
HINT: Any communication issues, are
usually linked to your relationship
with your mother or family where the
better you communicate here the
more confident and clear you are
communicating with others also.
Any control or perception issues are
usually linked to your relaitonship
with your father or past romantic
relationships. these tend to bring out
people's control issues, the same way
communication issues tend to be
linked to your patterns with your mother
and family where communication
is rooted. So if you or someone else has
imbalances, conflicts or issues
in either area, you can look into how
resolved they are with their
paternal or maternal relations and you can
see where patterns are
repeating or need work to resolve to reach
a natural healthy balance.
Anything that is not resolved can get
projected onto other relationships
especially romantic partnerships that
bring out male/female issues
and thus past patterns with mother/father
that affect your
communication and your sense of
control/perception in relations.
Good luck.
Ifyou end up breaking u p or moving on,
there is a very good forum on MSN for
Break Up Survival.
The people there are wonderful and I
recommend it
if you have doubts or questions, want
feedback or support.
Please take care!
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Rosie H
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Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1115 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
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Posted: 05-27-08 15:16pm
syntheticblue
wrote:
thats what ive been thinking
too.
but i really wish it wasnt true, because
he really is my best friend.
& i feel only happy around him. &
i can tell
he is the same towards me.
yeah, he said if it bugged me that we
were
having sex & not dating, that we could
stop.
but i just want him to like me.
not use me. so if i did,
i'll just have to see how he reacts to it
:O
thanks!! xoxo
This statement bothers me. Why would he
want to have just sex and not even date?
Dating is not a relationship either.
Dating is just dating. Meaning you can
still see other people. Dating is getting
to know someone to see if there is
potential for a realtionship. After you
date then you either stop or move up to
the next level. And then there is just sex
and only sex.
you typed : "yeah, he said if it bugged me
that we were having sex & not dating,
that we could stop"
This seems to me that all it is to him is
sex. I think you have your answer in that
one statement from him. But it sounds like
you want more than just sex from him. Your
feelings are already involved. You need to
let him know this and see where he stands.
Maybe he is scared and didnt want a
relationship, or maybe he really doesnt
care and just likes your body. Either way
you feel one way and he may feel another
way. This always spells heartache.
My advice would be to express your true
feelings and see what he wants. If he
doesnt want anything other than sex then
he is just using you. And hes an older
guy, they dont always see their wrong in
things. Dont let yourself be used by an
older man that doesnt appreciate your
youth. Be with someone thats want you not
your body.
Please pm me any time. I was 15 with a 23
year old. I got my heartbroken because all
he wanted was a young peice of .....I know
how you are feeling
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melancholydaye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Feb 2008 Posts: 59 Location: ,
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totally agree with comment above Posted: 05-27-08 15:32pm
guys are pigs....well, not all of them.
you'll learn that if you havent already.
i had a friends with benefits thing going
when i was in high school, it just lead to
broken hearts and horrible vibes around
that person
if i were in your position: 1. guys will
say anything for sex, so don't give into
him, 2. drop him, 3. forget his name, 4.
friends with benefits is NO good!
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paulleicester
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 May 2008 Posts: 3
Posted: 05-27-08 16:29pm
From a blokes point of view...
If we can get in someones pants then we
will do anything and say anything to get
there. Personly i dont any more, but when
i was 21 i sure did.
You may think you are best of friends,
which may be true, but if its not your
living under his lie and you will grow to
hate all men because of it. Friends with
benifits only work if both sides are happy
for that, otherwise it is a waste of
time.
personly for the time being i say put on
chastity belt, tease if you must, and keep
it going, if your still best of friends
for some time to come then fair enough.
but make it clear to him what YOU want.
Paul
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syntheticblue
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2008 Posts: 17 Location: Washington, U.S.
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Posted: 05-28-08 13:59pm
to emailus:
yes i can kind of understand how
i could put some feeling towards others
towards people that i dont want to.
or him. he lives a perfectly normal life
with good parents. well his dad kind of
mean. but yeah.
i dont really know what to say to that,
but there are a lot of communication
problems. & im sure i should work on
that.
i did yesturday, see him for a couple
hours
& he wanted to have sex, but i left
with
one of my other guy friends & he
texted me
a couple hours later saying he missed me.
i dont know what that really means....
its kind of like controlling, like i need
to be there
allllll the time.
but it bugs me. i did that to him because
i wanted to see what he would do.
& his reaction, instead made me feel
bad
thanks!
to Rosie H:
yes!!!!
i totally agree!
jeeezz. all of my friends that know him
& that talk to us, are saying that.
he just wants sex. its starting to make
sense,
& its starting to really hurt...
sooooo. i got a few things in mind
to get him back
thank youuuu
to melancholydaye:
*high five.
seriously, yeah i shouldve thought of
that
earlier.
but then again, im the kind of person
that will make anyone happy,
i need to work on it.
thanks<333
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melancholydaye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Feb 2008 Posts: 59 Location: ,
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Posted: 05-28-08 15:48pm
yeah believe me sister, i've been there.
it sucks but it's a helluva lot better
once you drop him and get someone better.
and u r pretty, you and i know you can do
better then that little piggie. lol jk.
but good luck
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Rosie H
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Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1115 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
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Posted: 05-28-08 16:16pm
yeah...sex is just sex to a lot of guys.
Especially when the girl is young and hes
older. There are lots of women that can
handle this and it works out. Casual sex
is for people who arent looking for
emotional attachment. You sound like you
need a little more than physical bonding.
This is ok. Its ok that you need more and
he doesnt.
Just dont let yourself get TOO attached to
him. If you know he only wants a sexual
relationship and you want more then I
suggest you stop having sex with him. You
can totally remain friends, but dont let
your heart get broken for a few moments of
passion. Trust me the feeling of being
used and hurt lasts much longer than the
good times you have together.
This is just a learning experience. Dont
feel bad about yoursefl. You are gorgeous
and look like a model. Trust me there are
many great guys out there that can give
you exactly what you need.
