Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - love and happiness or missery and unhappiness?

i've been with my boyfriend for five years but whe have had a lot of struggles....first of all hes 10 yrs. older than me i went away to live with him when i was 13 i had my first baby when i was 14 i struggled alot with selfesteem issues my boyfriend at the time didnt pay attention to me like i thought he would whe lived with his brother and i found a friend in him so every time i felt lonely i would go and talk to my boyfriends brother some months passed and obvisously i started feeling something for my boyfriends brother one day really early in the morning i waited for my boyfriends brother to come out of his room and when he did i told him thank u for always beeing ther for me he said thank u and as soon as he said that i kised himin the mouth and he corresponded my kiss i pushed him away and went to my room criying at the time my baby was only 4 months old my boyfrined got home from work that dayhe was very happy he had opened my first bank account and he saw me criying andf so i told him i had been infaithful to him he asked with who? i said ur brother ...i criyed and begged him to forgive me....he did forgive me but said he didnt want me near his brother anymore i stopped talking to hids brother for a year but i had dreams of him and that kis over and over after a year passeed his other brother came with his wife and kids so whe moved in to a new apartment around that time was when my boyfriends brother got a new girlfriend and suddenly i felt jeoulusand it was then i kinew i still had feelings for him but never told him until i knew he was planning on living with her that i coudlnt take it anymore and one night i crept out of bed and whent to his room hopped in bed with him hugged him and he woke up saw me and said what are u doing here? i said i cant let u get married wioth her i love you..he said that wont change nothing because ur married with my brother i said shhh.kissed him and he took me by the hand to his truck and that was the first time i felt i had made love to someone he made me feel like i wasd touching the heavens,after that night i had so much guilt on me i couldnt hold it in snd i eventually toold my boyfriend he again forgave me im not sure why he did it at the moment i didnt but as time passed i did i stopped talking to his brother again for another whole year,in that year i got pregnant with my baby i was 16 at the time and he got a nother girlfriend through my whole pregnancy whe didnt speak to each otherand i had a lot of problems with my boyfriend he got drunk and wouldnt come home until late in the night and i felt very lonely every day i would cry for my miserable life i had with my boyfriend and felt so bad i didnt have the courage to leave him because of my babies i delivered my baby and 4 months after was when things got very bad with my boyfriend he beat me up one time whe where arguing my face was pretty purple after i was 16 years old and ther i was in my bathroom criying for my self feeling pitty for myself but i was to afraid of teling someone because i thought i deserved the beating for cheating on my boyfriend by that time i had a very dear friend very close to me she was my brother in laws wife i told her about my encounter with my boyfriends brother and my feelings for him she knew about the beating and the times my boyfriend got drunk she knew me and my problems she was with me when i delivered my second babyand she was my only real friend (so i thought)time passed and when my baby was 8mnths. my boyfriends brother came very early one day criying he knew about the beating some months ago and proposed me to flee with him and my babies that he loved me and couldnt bear no one beating me up like some peace of meat but i refused and let love slip out of my hands because of my children who was i to take away their fatherso i told him whe could be friends and so he came every day in the morning to talk to me and talk about our problems my "best friens" knew about this and she said the only thing she wanted for me was to see me happy for once whe lasted 2 months rtalking to each other and never had been intimate with each other until one day that i was sure he was the person i loved and one day he came and i was waiting for him ready to take this step again and he came in and saw me nude and said he didnt want to pressure me in any way but i insisted i was ready so we made sweet love to each other that day it was 6 in the morning well 7 days after that day my boyfriend revealed to me a sholing secret he was criying and i asked him what was wrong? he said 4 words that left me speachless...he said -"i cheated on u" i asked with who?he said-"with ure best friend"i sobbed like a baby because she knew everything that was happening with me and my marrige and she knew what had happened a few days a go with my boyfriends brother and she goes and does me wrong i asked since when and he said since a year ago i asked how many encounters? he said 6 times whe had sex every 2 or 3 months i couldnt think of her beeing in the delivery room by my side when she had been a couple of days ago with my husband i was so dissapointed of my life my missery my problems being unhappy so young i was almost 17 years old when he told me thisso i thought this is jthe moment to start clean with my boyfriend and told him everything that i had been doing behind his back and whe agrred on starting clean i fooled my self because time passed and well i forgave her even though things will never be the same i talk to her, andf well here i am 18 years old and i now know that i really dont love my boyfriend and have always been here because i dont know anything else but this kind of life.... i got with him very young and i now after 2 baies a bunddle of lies,tears,anger,sadness,laughter,pain,hat e...now know that i love and always will love my brother in law a few days a go he came and told me once agin to leave with him that he loves me but like me is afraid of critisim of love,life but now hes ready to take that big step and i dont know what to do i dont want to tramatize my children after all if i have suffered all this time its been for them so they have kthat father figure because ther father is a perfect father even though he does me wrong he loves them so i really need advise what do i do?am i still here because im afraid of being alone if i leave and do i really love my brother in law?