MIL stress

Thank you all for being a wonderful support.

My MIL would watch TV, soppy soaps (the channels we watch are entirely different , so I have given up on TV time completely –letting her enjoy it all, while I have joined a library to keep busy) or sometimes talk to neighbours…and that’s about it, I have never seen her taking interest in anything else. Eating is what she is fond of, but has a very tradition palate, and most of the times does not seem to enjoy our usual dinner ‘hits!’ and although when my FIL was alive , I never saw them sharing a congenial relationship, but she mourned big time after his death, blaming me for everything that went wrong. I can’t quite understand this behaviour, I think mainly its for societal factors which expects women to mourn loss, more than anything. In our society (till a few decades back), married women were revered and widowed were disdained and i think she still belongs to this school of thoughts. Not sure though.

To begin with, my MIL never liked me which is why she criticizes me whenever she meets people who share the same thought process or would side her. Like my SIL’s , elderly neighbours etc. Guilt should not be a factor, as in our society , till some time back it was a norm for parents to stay with kids. Times are changing now, and the whole thing Is more westernized with girls working and sharing equal rights etc, work load in house divided etc but sadly , as I said earlier , my MIL still belongs to the old school of those and stuck in the time warp.


Before her moving in, I spoke to my husband, but that was more of a full blown fight than a conversation and resulted in me spitting venoms against his mother. I realised later about the wrong I did and how bad it feels when someone speaks about mothers in such a derogatory manner and thinking of it all , I apologised to him, promising never to create trouble. Due to this im finding it difficult to broach the topic again. The only effort that I have done so far, I suggested that we stay in a duplex apartment, creating separate space for us both. Im tired of living a sixty year old’s life, and understanding her moves, matching her slow paced life and losing that bond I shared with husband who I love so much…our favourite time used to be weekends, I dread them now. Trying to hold on…but not sure how long…

I’m glad Birch --that you find this as a great approach…and I’m thankful just for you all being there, listening. I’m not feeling as if I’m the only one caught in the dilemma…

thank you Beline...Dont worry about being busy, i understand the time constraints...hope you find success in whatever is keeping you occupied:)

Will try and keep the depression help in mind...

How does your husband feel about his mother living with you? Does he ever speak of your unhappiness or his mother's rudeness toward you? He has to realize the tension between the two of you, or is she very nice in front of your husband? Do not let her intimidate you, and your husband should not allow his mother to be disrespectful to you. With her background and her personality, I do not think she will agree to therapy. I hope this does not cause trouble between you and your husband, but you have to speak up. This is your home and you should not be disrespected in this manner. She is very fortunate to have a daugher-in-law like you - and I truly believe she knows that. I think if she thought your marriage was in jeopardy, she might rethink her behavior toward you. She knows her son loves you very much. She might be jealous of the relationship you and her son have, since she lost her husband, but surely she does not want your marriage to end.

I’m not sure about my husbands feeling towards the entire situation, but he explains as one of those things which has to have a permanent presence in our life…my MIL openly blamed us for our FIL’s demise, our fault was that we moved out of home after our marriage-which I truly believe is normal by any standards, and now my husband sort of believes that we are responsible, and he feels doubly conscientious for my MIL’s life and health. Although she is healthy, touch wood! She hankers for constant companionship. The days my husband is not around , she refuses to have dinner with me, cooks for me and deliberately puts so much chilly in it that I’m unable to eat ..and the likes…but in front of husband she portrays a lonely picture of a needy and lonely woman…who is very accommodative. Yes, jealousy is possible, but considering our age difference, it’s bizarre…anyways, human mind is above all bizarreness.

Im thinking of activities for her, which might keep her engaged, and keep her mind off our daily life…but I cant think of any. Cooking was a possibility, but looking at her taste for food dunked in oil ad spices I have overruled that, as she may not realize it but it’s detrimental for her health, not to mention me and my husbands.Im just running out of ideas….hopefully she will agree in case I find a activity, if I don’t , then I will have to talk to husband—not sure how to broach hi either , as he closely guards his mothers cause…maybe thinking of our earlier fights. Not sure again.

I cant thank you enough for taking the pain of going through the posts and suggesting ways to deal with the situation…

I really feel bad for you, bijnil. That sounds like no way to live your life. I am trying to see it from her side, too, sometimes that helps.

What is the situation in your culture about therapy for people? Is that a possibility? Just asking her if she'd like to talk to someone?

Is she insecure? Is there a way to boost her self-image? If she lives in a culture where widows are distained that could make her feel terrible and then act nasty.

What about any kind of religious intervention? Are there any groups she could get involved with? What about starting an informal "cooking" group for older ladies in her situation one night a week?

I saw Beline suggested writing a letter. Could you do one for her and then your husband to? I don't know how exactly it is in your culture; I know the husband has to honor his mother, but does he also have to honor his wife?

Your duplex idea really seems like a good one.

Communication between you and your husband is very important - it doesn't have to be confrontational? You can't continue to live like this and have a healthy relationship, it is not good for you or your husband.

My heart goes out to you, so sorry you are having to deal with this your first year of marriage. Again, stand up for yourself - you deserve respect. You are a very pretty, loving person, but do not be a door mat, it will only get worse if you allow her to treat you this way. Let her know that you are strong.

I know she is hurting due to the loss of her husband, but to take it out on you is not right.

Living with you and your husband is not helping her situation - she needs to have her own home - close to the two of you, but not in the same home. The duplex is a great idea if you can convince your husband. She needs her own life and her own space as the two of you do as well.

The communication factor with her is a bit difficult as she is not educated and knows only two languages, which unfortunately is not spoken in the area where we are living although workable. But due to these limitations, getting across is therapy point to her is nearly impossible. Due to education factor the leisure options are limited, else I could have suggested joining a library or a cooking class.

Although for a past few days I have been noticing that she goes out for a walk, with a neighbourhood lady, have suggested that she goes to a temple with her(on the lines of the religious community idea), and I think she liked the suggestion. Making a group is again difficult as our neighbours belong the different age groups, have varied intellectual levels and language barriers. Her understanding level is poor, and most of the time my suggestions or requests are not well received, hence I have limited my conversations with her, limited to food or things she may need, to sharing basic information. Realized that this will also limit her criticism, as she can’t go on speaking to the wall without response. I hope it isn’t too rude? But for now I don’t have a choice.

Regarding our life? I need to talk…waiting for the weekend. Will talk if I feel the history is repeating itself.

Regarding our culture, well its India and here the families are a close knit affair, or were once upon a time. Times are changing, perhaps my generation respects privacy, honours the time constrains and displays the social manners, perhaps a few decades back this wasn’t the case…child bearing, cooking and gossiping were the mainstays of women and privacy was an unheard concept. To cut the long story short, my MIL belongs to that generation, My husband being the youngest of 5 siblings, there happens to be a huge generation gap, so im finding it tough to understand. My grandmother belonged to the same school of thoughts, but I never stayed with my grandparents, I was brought up in a nuclear family and stayed alone for almost a decade pursuing higher studies and work…so I find the happenings hard to deal with.

Thanks for listening—and helpful suggestions, they go a long way in keeping my sanity intact.

Did your husband ask you how you felt about his mother moving in with you? How is your relationship now - you and your husband? How does she treat her son? I know this is very difficult for you, but please talk to your husband. I know it is very hard for him, but you are his future. That does not mean he has to abandon his mother, but should respect you and find her a new place for her to live. Where do your parents live? Would it be the same should they need help? If she is allowed to treat you with disrespect, then it will be the same should you decide to have children. She will try to tell you what, when, and how to do things and think you are a bad mother should you not listen to her advice on raising your children. PLEASE talk to your husband. Again, I am so sorry for what you are having to endure.

ok. as per your advice, i mailed my husband today. So many of you told me taht a written communication is a better bet...so here is the mail which i sent

__________________________________________ ___________________________Im sorry for abruptly cutting the line…but I’m really finding difficult to match pace with your mom, one by one I seem to be losing all our fun times…simple pleasures, like watching movies hand in hand with wine, long walk-even if its for grocery, cooking for each other...all of them. I’m trying to find a different set of activities for myself, sadly does not include you as I can sense you feel too guilty leaving your mom.



I would wait for weekends, but now I simply dread Sundays…I’m married to you, so I sometimes want you for me all by myself …since we are never alone at home, I like to go out(which is strange as I’m such a home bird myself)…even if its on the pretext of seeing houses. I thought maybe we can take once a month trip to be alone , all by ourselves, or with friends, now I feel you want to include you mom in the trips as well. Its fine, as a son if you feel responsible, its understandable. I realize taht , and don’t want to create trouble, just understand my need for being with you…maybe she is your mom, so you wouldn’t understand the difference.



Maybe you can take her to the places she wants to see, and later we can go alone. Or maybe we will never go alone, all your choice.



Please understand I don’t hate your mother or her presence, but want to be alone with you –at least one day a week…without you feeling guilty…we can sometimes go out for dinners alone without waiting for an excuse of a friend inviting us…and atleast we can have our trips—just the way they were.



I love you… I hope that you wil understand it in the same spirit, it’s meant to be.
__________________________________________ ______________________

It was an outcome of a angry phone disconnect...

I dont know if it was right or not, but themere mention of his mother accompanying us on our trips instignated the same. Am I being rude or vry harsh? Is it the correct approach?

Wow, I am impressed. I think you wrote a great letter! Good for you for standing up for what you need. He might be feeling the same way and just doesn't know how to express it without guilt and now you've opened the door for good communication.

I hope he takes it well! Please let us know.

You said he is one of five siblings; have you spoken with the other siblings; could they help take care of their mother, too? Maybe for a weekend a month so you can have some alone time?

Your husband disconnected while the two of you were talking? I am sorry - hopefully, he loves you enough to see what the intent of your letter was. Your letter was very appropriate and loving, I hope he can understand your side. After all, it is your home and life as well as well. You did the right thing - hopefully, he will also. Do the other silblings live close? How is your husband treating you tonight?

I'm not sure of teh long term outcome of the letter, but it seems taht the letter worked in someway, we watched a movie alone in our room 'under the tuscan sun'..although we have only one television which is my MIL's companion, we made do by watching a movie on our laptop...needless to say i enjoyed every moment of it...thanks to all of you...even if the happiness comes in bits and pieces, i now know to enjoy the moments i earlier too for granted.

Well the rest of the 5 siblings live far off(in the US, while we are in India) and have shown no apparent interest in having her over...neither did she mention that she would ant to go anywhere, and my husband i think brought her over due to guilt and probably because he didnt want her to feel abandoned...in a few months one of my SIKL's is moving back to India, so maybe she stays with her...but im sure a new saga will open up after her arrival..lets see how the future unfolds.

thank you all for being there...

Hi, Sweetheart!
Never thought you could make so many friends over the net, could you? I know the ladies supporting you here, and they are all very intelligent, caring people. You really are in good hands.

If I could give you some more advice: how about leaving a little note in your husbands briefcase saying how much you enjoyed the movie and the wine - thanking him for trying to meet your needs and telling him how much you loved him for it. It will encourage him to do it again. Most men are just like children. (Sorry guys) They need to feel appreciated and they need to have their ego’s boosted every now and then.
Good luck to you, Sweetie, and please keep posting. We will try and help where ever we can.

Ps. I have to commend you on your English. You had me going for my dictionary a couple of times already.

I know a wife that fixed her husband's lunch everyday - and she would always put one Hershey Kiss in his lunch tote everyday. I have just thought that was sooo sweet. I would always put a sticky note in my children's lunch box when they left for school - with a different note each day.

Thank you all, sorry for not being able to respond any earlier ...as it was a weekend and didnt want my husband wondering whats up my sleeve...if im on the comp. messaging..

To take a break from it all, i participated in a 5.7 km run this weekend...the run was invigorating and i surprised myself by running the whole hog..this also gave the mom-son duo some time to bond while i could get away from it all...all i see my MIL looking from me is duty and responsibility ..and just motherly affection for son....and of course sugar sweet consideration for me when son is around...otherwise its always something or the other i left undone in the kitchen ...how i fail to superwise teh domestic hep etc etc, yesterday the cook did not turn up , so i made dinner...and she refused to have. On the surface she said that she does not feel like it...but the truth is what just both of us know--me and my MIL.

Ah well, i didnt mind it,,,it gave me and my husbad some time to eat alone...i just crave to be alone with him, else i feel always being moniterod and measured...i cant explaing the feeling, but i certainly dont like it..all the time...24/7...

Back to daily regime...yes i will certainly take care a to slip a note to my hubby about how much i appreciate the time alone, yesterday we went for a long walk...i perhaps cant explain in words how much i loved it...even though my legs were aching after the gruelling run, but i just felt like going on and on and on...(needless to and i didnt want to return home at all...)

Thanks you all...for giving me space to vent and lending a shoulder to cry on

Well, at the very least you could look at this as finding a way to appreciate the time you have with your husband more than ever? Trying to put a positive spin on it.

I am sorry your sibling-in-laws do not feel as guilty as your husband does! Maybe a move to the US at some point to regain sanity might be in order, though that's pretty dramatic. Maybe when your SIL moves back to India things will change.

keep posting; we are reading and sending love!!!

I know this is your home, but try to keep your distance since nothing else is working. If you are at home, stay in the bedroom and chat with us. Just stay away from a situation that is making you miserable. Go to the park, go for a walk or run, just stay away from your MIL. Only be around her when your husband is home. She is not your responsibility and as you said, there are other siblings that do not want her living with them as well. Again, keep your distance, then she might appreciate it when you are at home. If she complains and your husband asks you about it, then that would be a good opportunity to tell him the facts. You could just explain that you didn't want to worry him with it, so you just felt staying out of the way was the best for his mother.

Oh ..i really like the idea…i have been doing it off late, but I wanted more moral support on the issue...as I wanted to know that if this is the right approach…I’m glad it is…I don’t mean to be rude or harsh, but at the same time I don’t want to feel run down and all alone with MIL ganging up against me…more miserable with no privacy at all…in all get-togethers I have to have her presence…this is annoying to the point of being unbearable, as I lead such a independent life and parents never poked in uninvited or gave away unsolicited advice…so I find it so unnatural. I think this is the way out…thanks all.