military man relationship Posted: 08-08-08 16:38pm
Hi, i am having a very difficult time.
3years ago i met a man, we had a kind of
relationship then, but we kind of knew it
was going to end as he was just finishing
his studies in my city and had to go away
- he is a soldier, studied medicine. But i
was deeply in love with him and was like a
moth and he was a flame. after he
graduated he went back home for holidays
and promised he'd be back, but when he did
get back he just sent me a text saying
he's back with his ex and things are
great. I was shocked and hurt... my
friends took me on holidays to croatia to
help me forget.
2 years passed... in the meantime i was in
a relationship with a guy, but only now i
understand it was not what i wanted and i
never loved that guy (he's happy with a
girl and a baby now by the way), just when
things started going bad after two years
of a relationship, i got a postcard
from... the soldier. He wrote that it was
the most stupid decision in his life and
he has been regretting it ever since, and
that i am a wonderful woman and he is very
sorry for what he has done to me.
naive... i wrote back. Within a week he
was on his way to see me (400km to drive)
although i was very nervous when we first
saw each other we just started cuddling
and snogging - just as if nothing had
happened...
i was in heaven... it was tough cos he
lives and works in a military basis 400km
away from my city, but he came over
whenever he could, we had great time on
new year's(i met his family then and his
close friends, they were all lovely and
warm and i felt so happy), and in february
when we went to italy, he even wanted to
make a baby on st.valentine's day...
in may we went away for a few days biking.
I met his soldier friends and things were
good... BUT i noticed he stopped telling
me he loved me.
he's a very difficult person to talk to,
he doesn't share his feelings, so i tried
to ask what's wrong, but he wouldn't
answer. Besides he acted normally apart
from that 'little' thing. He drove me back
home and he said he'd try to come over the
next weekend...
Next day i phoned him... and i heard it's
over between us. I was so shocked i
couldn't understand his words, i told him
i was unable to put the phone down, he
said he wasn't either, so we talked for
four hours that night. In the end he said
we should try again.
he came over for a weekend, it was lovely,
we had a greta time, we made love and we
enjoyed ourselves in ZOO, park etc but he
would not talk to me about the serious
stuff - so i thought: if things are good
between us, perhaps i should let it go and
concentrate on the good stuff. WRONG!
he left on sunday, on Monday he told me
over the phone it's over for good.
That happened on 2nd June. Today it's8th
of August and i am still crying and can't
move on. I wake up with tears, i cry
myself to sleep, during a day i act kind
of normal, put on a brave face for my
family, but mum gets annoyed with me when
she sees me crying again and i just can't
control it, i can't stop it.
i should also mention that about 3 weeks
ago i got a text from him with a picture
of his smashed car, saying: easy come easy
go. I know i shouldn't have, but i
replied: Why did you text me?What do you
want from me?Do you want my pity?Do you
want to know if i still care?Yes i do, and
yes you're still afraid of being happy. He
replied then: I don't need your pity,I am
not afraid of happiness - I am looking for
it.
I answered then saying: Are you looking
for happiness again with me? If i was just
a mistake please don't ever write to me
again.
But he replied: No, you were not a
mistake. Ok, i won't write, perhaps.
I never replied back. But this
PERHAPS...it's killing me. And not only
that... everything is connected with him,
i should throw away the little things like
postcards or letters and photos, but i
just cannot face doing it, i can't look at
them, they're tucked away in different
parts of the room. Now my cousin is going
to the seaside and wants me to go with her
for holiday and I start crying cos i know
i will be closer than ever to him, to the
town where his military base is, although
still away, and i want to move on.
I have been taking herbal pills for the
past two months to calm down, although
they first made me calmer and i could
sleep better, now i think they make me cry
more, not sure. but without them i am all
emotional all the time...
I can't talk to my mum, i can't tell her
that i have been thinking of finishing
with myself cos the pain is too big to go
on. She wouldn't understand that and that
would really hurt her, i can't do that,
but i don't know how long i will continue
like that, i feel i am losing the battle
for my life. it's an existence i want to
finish.
as i am typing it i am crying again... i
thought of writing a letter, to him, to
give vent to everything inside me - i
didn't necessarily want to send it. I
tried it, but i cried too much to
continue... i just don't seem to be able
to face it anyhow.
i feel i am going crazy, a friend gave me
a number to a psychologist, but i can't
get myself to phone the woman, i feel
somehow that it would me my final defeat,
that i'd fail completely, i just can't go
to a doctor with that although i feel i do
have a problem... I work at school
teaching kids, in September when holidays
are over I really don't know how i am
going to cope....
what can i do... how to move on... i did
move on once but the second time seems
impossible to make...
|
JohnnyD
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Aug 2008 Posts: 11 Location: Pineville, LA US
Thanks: 2
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-08-08 18:12pm
Well first off let me commend you for
writing in this forum. That was your
initial step in trying to let go, and if
you're serious about doing it then it's
possible. Is he a smart guy, as in, can
he look into your eyes and tell you what
you're thinking?
Sweety first of all,I honestly think u
should seek professional help, that does
not mean u r crazy, its just gonna help u
move on. Well, I have a younger sis that
been tru the same situation,he broked her
hearth so many times that I lost count, he
would also treat her like a princess when
he was around and soon enough break up wit
her over the phone when he was back in
base,3 years after a on and off
relationship,he broke up for good, 3 days
later she seen pictures of him and his
(wife) in myspace gettin married, all this
time it was really hard to understand his
unstable kind of relationship,it wasn't a
relationship excuse my language but it was
just and extra love when wife wasn't
around. My sis also wanted to end her
life,I'm gonna tell u exactly what I told
her when she was in this situation.there
is a lot of fishes in the sea, and trust
me I know its a painful time for u, but
soon enought u'll get over him, one advise
I give u take it or leave it, do not give
him another chance this will go over and
over again and the more u keep him around
the more its going to hurt u,I don't know
the whole story but for what I read he
doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't
even know what he wants its not fair the
way he played wit ur feelings and he
probrably doesn't even know how much
damaged he has caused, sweety u need to
move on, go out wit friends and cousin,
try not to think abt it( I know its hard
and I feel ur pain but u can do it) now my
sis its engaged to a wonderful guy, abt to
get married and her ex could walk in front
of her and ask her back and she won't even
look at him, it was hard work, and its
completely normal to feel sad and cry
especially when u trutly love someone,but
don't let that thought get to u, what is
he? The only man on earth?u and nobody has
the right to take a life away, god gave u
life and god will take it away whenever he
wants not whenever u want,I know its hard
and painful,I know honey I know, I seen my
sister cryed for over a year everynight
and everyday not wantin to talk to anybody
just wanting to kill her self and nothin
in life made sense to her witout him, look
at her now she laugh about it now with her
soon to be husband.its hard to do it alone
not impossible just extremely hard, but
wit professional help to smooth the
situation and friends to help u forget the
situation u would do just fine its hard
but u will be okay, I don't even know u
and I wouldn't forgive u if u ever do
anything to ur self, imagine the pain u
would cause ur mom, and friends they would
always hate u for doing that, sweety be a
strong women put ur head up and keep on,a
lot of women been there and they came out
of it u can do it too.I wish u the best
and I would love to be informe on how u r
doing, ur story really touch me cuz of
what had happen to my sis before and I
felt ur pain like if it was mine, hope u
can work this out and remember god gave u
life and only he can take it away not u!
Take care and move on u can do it.
|
Users who thank claudia+jorge for this post:
Gorgeous78
Gorgeous78
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Aug 2008 Posts: 24 Location: ,
Thanks: 4
Thanked:22
Posted: 08-09-08 04:38am
JohnnyD
wrote:
Well first off let me
commend you for writing in this forum.
That was your initial step in trying to
let go, and if you're serious about doing
it then it's possible. Is he a smart guy,
as in, can he look into your eyes and tell
you what you're
thinking?
yes, though he's not easy to talk, as a
soldier he hides his feelings, though i
have always felt more and knew what he
felt like - that's what i thought... he
appreciated me for that though. No other
woman had enough patience to make him
talk, i ve often succeeded, and he knew my
feelings too. But does it matter now? he's
gone, lives his life without me 400km away
and i will never see him again. i know
it's eating me and it's not good for me,
but it hurts like hell and for the past
two months i have not been able to let it
go. i am honestly so tired of that...
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 499 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 131
Thanked:150
Posted: 08-10-08 02:15am
Hallo, Gorgeous. I read your post and it
just broke my heart. It brought back such
painful memories. Honey, I’m greatly
opposed to taking drugs, but sometimes we
need meds just to help us through a
difficult time. I implore you to go and
see a doctor. You are suffering from
severe depression and meds will help you
through this very, very difficult time.
And try to find the courage to phone the
psychologist. You need someone to help you
put things into perspective.
I know there is a lot of fish in the sea,
and people told me this when my heart was
broken. It just didn’t help much because
I didn’t want any of those fishes. I
wanted the one that got away.
Hang in there, and keep us posted.
another day with tears again... I felt
better for a few days, it was nice at the
seaside with my cousin and her bf - we did
so many things i had hardly time to
think... now back home i am getting
emotional and upset again. Tomorrow it's
his best friend's wedding - we were
supposed to go there together... I feel a
complete loser and that i failed - i keep
asking myself why it happened, what did i
do wrong... we didn't argue, we didn't
have problems - just usual life stuff...
how could it be so wonderful for nearly
nine months and then just end like that?
over the phone... one day i was happily in
love with a man of my dreams and had a
whole life there... the other i have
nothing and feel this terrible amptiness.
I am not afraid of being alone, being
single. I've done that, it's not a
problem... i just can't forget him, i miss
him so bad and it's hounting me. how can i
still love so much a man who has hurt me -
twice... am i insane?
THANK YOU, all of you who have posted warm
and supporting replies here. Your words
give me comfort and the feeling that i am
not alone, that there are people who do
understand. I need this. xxx
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 499 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 131
Thanked:150
Posted: 08-16-08 15:18pm
Gorgeous, please Honey, get the help you
need. It’s okay. We all go through
situations in life that we just can’t
seem to cope with. And no, I don’t
believe that things like this make us
stronger. It hurts like hell and it leaves
scars which manifests in us being
reluctant to trust and love again.
You deserve a good man in your life, but
you might miss out on him because you are
holding on to the wrong one. You need to
start your healing process and a
psychiatrist can help you with taking the
first steps.
Hang in there. You are in my thoughts.
today it's a wedding of his best friend
from the army, we were supposed to go
there together. When he told me about the
invitation i was so happy, i felt he
changed cos he wanted to "show me" to his
friends, to the other side of his life
which i never knew... I was so looking
forward to that...
now am at home brokenhearted, thinking if
he's enjoying himself and whether he went
to the wedding alone or with some girl...
my friends say i am getting better...
perhaps i have just got used to the pain
and i ahve cried enough... i still do,
though not all the time, is the healing
process taking place? am not sure. Funny
thing is i have met lots of nice people
online and in real life who do care about
me and it's amazing... thanks x
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 499 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 131
Thanked:150
Posted: 08-18-08 04:16am
Only you can answer that question, Love.
Does it still hurt as much as it did when
you broke up? You say that you are crying
less, but does it actually hurt less?
Another day passes - yesterday I returned
from a 4day trip to the mountains with my
cousin and her bf, it was veyr nice -
finally no associations with him as he
never wanted to go there with me and
didn't even like the sound of the name of
the place, but i love these mountains and
i had a few nice days there.... I did
think, of course... but... somehow less.
Now am back home again, and i am pretty
sure there will be another breakdown
moment, another night filled with tears...
but at the moment i jsut feel empty and
just sad. I don't despair as before - does
it mean it's better? For me it's just
different, when i start thinking about it
all tears come to my eyes as before and
nothing has changed really, so yes, it
still hurts the same - i might have just
learned to deal with it better, not
sure...
I am filling my time totally - meeting
friends, going to the cinema, going
shopping, just NOT TO THINK... soon my
work starts again... I still feel this
heavy burden inside, and i still
unfortunately think he's the love of my
life ('s = is or was?) and it is sad and
hurts.
Thanks Beline for your support, you're an
Angel.
|
bottledwater
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2008 Posts: 29
Thanks: 12
Thanked:11
Posted: 08-22-08 01:10am
as a soldier i understand the no feelings
part, my girlfriend constantly tells me to
tell her things that are wrong, and
although somehow she always can find
something in my face that shows something
is wrong, noone else can tell. (i suppose
thats sortof normal) but she gets really
annoyed when i dont tell her, because as
soldiers we are all trained to remove the
human element. you dont want that stuff
clouding your mind when you pull the
trigger.
i know from the guys i work with that some
are players, and some are one girl men.
this guy here sounds like a player, he
comes in for the sex and the fun, and
leaves when the steeper stuff comes.
if he is or isnt one, either way from what
youve said here, he has no care for your
feelings, and even for a soldier this is
very wrong. this guy is horrible, and even
though i know it isnt easy, not only
doesent he deserve you..he doesent deserve
5 minutes of your sadness over him.
i think you should find a group, or
counsoler to help you through this. and
open up to your mother about it. she seems
to take a interest to your depression, you
need someone to vent too.
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 499 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 131
Thanked:150
Posted: 08-22-08 02:43am
Don’t mention it, Sweetie. I’ve been
there. I know how much it hurts.
Listen Gorgeous, there are plenty of men
like Bottledwater out there. I’m getting
married to one in November. I know it
doesn’t help much now, but soon enough a
really good man will come along and he
will treat you with respect and he will
love you for who you are.
In the meantime I have to agree with
Bottledwater: go see a counselor. It’s
no ‘quick fix’ as it sometimes takes
years to get over this kind of hurt, but
you need some coping skills. I wish I took
the time when it happened to me, but when
you’re in the situation.., I don’t
know…, for some reason one just can’t
seem to get the help you need.
Hang in there, Hon.
Hi there everyone, it's me again joking... last
night was staying up late, i like to get
myself tired before going to sleep
recently as i don't think so much in bed
then. At 1am i got a text. It was from
him. I think i need to explain that i did
sth stupid when i was at the seaside...
just couldn't help myself and i hope you
will not think bad of me for that. I sent
him a postcard with: IRONY-CLOSER AND AT
THE SAME TIME FURTHER AWAY THAN BEFORE.
PS. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY...
So in his text he wrote: thanks for your
postcards, you seem to be travelling a
lot:) I replied: I am doing my best.
He texted me again: Where else have you
been? - so i wrote:
Italy,seaside,mountains,hospital,with my
dog,cinema etc
He replied: hospital??? - but i ignored
that (didn't want to tell him that i had
to ask for help my other ex who works at
hospital cos have problems with my hand
and now it turns out i need a surgery). I
wrote that i was going to bed and he
wished me good night.
In the morning before 8am i got a text
with his picture saying: greetings from
work. He was obviously on duty at a local
hospital. I replied a couple of hours
later saying: thanks for the greetings,
have a nice day. In the meantime he sent
me another text with another photo of him
saying: what did you mean by that PS on
the postcard?
I tried to ignore that, but after an hour
he sent me another text asking again about
the PS. Eventlually I wrote: And what do
you mean by your texts? But he said it's
not nice to answer by question to a
question. I haven't replied so far...
So here i am, sat at home thinking what he
wants. He sent me the first text to the
phone i always use, and not the one i used
when i was with him, i think he wanted to
make sure i get it. And why does he keep
pushing about the PS? I think it's pretty
obvious what i meant by that...
Obviously you will all think i shouldn't
have replied to any of his texts and i am
making a mistake... To be honest i don't
know what i am doing. I am calmer though,
but it is bothering me. I know i sent that
postcard, but he could as well have
ignored it, but he didn't. The last three
months have been very difficult for me, i
have gone through a lot of pain because of
him, and because of the image of him i
created in my head i think. But my
feelings for him are still there, how to
switch off?
Thank you Bottledwater - you're a decent
guy and I hope things will turn out well
for you and your girlfriend. My ex is in
the army, but he is a medical doctor, he
doesn't carry gun. Though i do know that
there are mostly guys and it's very
peculiar world. And just to be precise -
it wasn't just sex, as i live with my mum
who is very religious so we slept in
separate rooms (a bit difficult at times i
admit, though i think our sexlife was
better than good, although not frequent
due to the distance).
So why a guy sends his pictures to a woman
he left a few months before?... i am at a
loss.
|
ladyT02
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 267 Location: ,
Thanks: 10
Thanked:4
Posted: 08-23-08 21:58pm
hes a jerk for dragging you on and on and
just playing yo yo with your feelings. my
boyfriend was in the military and believe
me they have a hard exterior to get thru.
he wont compliment me on if i looked
pretty today, or my hair looks nice, etc
lol but only when hes a little tipsy is
when his true emotions come out this guy however is
simply playing with you. be strong when
you txt him, try not to show him your
still lovey dovey (i.e sending cutesy
wootsy sounding txts) be strong and blunt
when talk to him about anything in your
life. you.ll slowly have to let him go
until one day no txts, to phone calls, no
pictures. that way he gets the point that
he cant treat you this way.
hes proved to himself that he has you in
the palm of his hand so he.ll keep playing
with you just to give himself an ego
boost. be strong dont let any guy play you
for a fool. goodluck with everything
My feelings now... NOT SURE. Posted: 08-24-08 06:23am
Thanks LadyT02. I am trying to be very
careful with texts and my feelings, don't
want to give everything again just to get
hurt. I even find it surprising how calm I
am - a month ago I would cry and feel so
low when he sent me a text, now I am
nervous, I do admit that, but... been
thinking a lot - i'll give it time, let
him take the lead - will only reply if he
sends the text. And today i am going out
to meet a nice guy i met online - i think
i need to prove myself that there are
plenty of other nice men and he's not the
only one... It's not so much about him
now as about me, my feelings, my desires,
my dreams...how do i go on being happy
leaving my dreams behind? I don't know.
Will keep all of you posted... in a funny
way it helps to share this.
|
Gorgeous78
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Aug 2008 Posts: 24 Location: ,
Thanks: 4
Thanked:22
Posted: 08-30-08 18:09pm
this texting has been going on for over a
week and a half... recently we have been
sending lots of texts... today he wrote
that he misses me sometimes. I replied
that i miss him not sometimes but all the
time. My phone has been silent since then.
He may need the time to think all this
over, but... but yes, i knew it would
happen - i feel shitty and i am trying to
be strong. Promised myself i won't text
him again, i won't let him hurt me
again... there are decent guys out there
and i do deserve to be loved for who i am
and not beg for love any more...
keep thinking of me - i hope i will be
strong enough to stick to my promise and
in my belief.
|
Sukki
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2008 Posts: 90
Thanks: 9
Thanked:2
Posted: 09-08-08 23:18pm
im glad that u are fine.
dont treat him as someone u love, just
some penpal u never met..play around this
way and guess everything will be
alright..
i think he is stressed..needs someone to
talk with and he is lonely.. needs someone
to share his feelings with but he doesnt
want to be committed in a relationship coz
of his soldier ways..soldier life..
another post from me. Things haven't
changed much recently, but when I look
three months back - there's a drastic
change. I am glad I have managed to get
through this, though I don't think it was
necessary... but obviously up there
they're playing with our lives. Anyway, i
don't know where I am going and how it
will end, I am still in love with the guy,
and now he has texted me about spending a
nice weekend and said he'd explain more
soon. Another friend of his is getting
married and we got an invitation over a
half a year ago, he reminded me about that
a couple of weeks ago - does he want me to
go with him? I think so, though he
wouldn't dare tell me that openly - but am
wandering: if i should go, i'd go there as
who??? his ex? his friend? sb he
knows???...
i wish and hope i will be strong enough to
turn this situation to my advantage, if
you know what i mean, have good fun and
let go. Perhaps i need to see him again to
realize he doesn't have so much power over
me as i think he has, or perhaps i will
fall for him again - in that case i should
stay clear of him, either way i really
don't know what's going to happen and take
each day as it comes, though it's not
easy. But i am still here, making progress
- albeit small steps, and i want to thank
all of you who were there for me and
supported me - well done for you
|
Gorgeous78
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Aug 2008 Posts: 24 Location: ,
Thanks: 4
Thanked:22
GOING TO THE WEDDING WITH HIM... Posted: 09-16-08 17:11pm
Hi everyone... this coming weekend i have
agreed to go to his friend's wedding.
After going through hell because of him it
might be a huuuuuge mistake, but since i
don't seem to be able to erase him from my
life, i thought something needs to change
- i will either start hating him and
despising or will understand sth and will
be finally able to move on with my life, i
don't know. I try not to expect anything
more - it's not a fairy tale and i'd
rather be surprised than disappointed.
so... here i am... making another
mistake?.... perhaps my story and my
mistakes will help somebody here... i hope
so. take good care of yourselves x
|
Sukki
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2008 Posts: 90
Thanks: 9
Thanked:2
Posted: 09-18-08 01:58am
As his friend, u should just see him as a
friend and nothing else because there will
be no *fairy tale ending* and anyway, i
think this guy has somewhat no good
friends.. other than u.. Just move on with
your life, u can be his friend, just a
friend!
joking... last
night was staying up late, i like to get
myself tired before going to sleep
recently as i don't think so much in bed
then. At 1am i got a text. It was from
him. I think i need to explain that i did
sth stupid when i was at the seaside...
just couldn't help myself and i hope you
will not think bad of me for that. I sent
him a postcard with: IRONY-CLOSER AND AT
THE SAME TIME FURTHER AWAY THAN BEFORE.
PS. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY...
