Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 1689 Location: Charleston, SC USA
Thanks: 44
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Mother-in-law problems Posted: 05-05-08 10:24am
Well, this is kind of a long story, so if
you have nothing to do at work (like me),
feel free to read my book and advise! I am
at a loss as to what I need to do at this
point.
background
story
My boyfriend and I started dating in
September of 2005 and became pregnant not
too long after that (failed birth control.
FYI-don't get free pills from the doctor's
office that are expired!). My boyfriend's
mother lives in Maine, we live in South
Carolina. She is extremely overbearing.
One time, she called the cops to come out
to our house because he hadn't called her
in 2 days.
Our daughter was born in June of 2006
(getting close to her second birthday!).
The first time I ever met his mother was
when she sent us train tickets when the
baby was 3 months old. It was a 26 hour
ride
For our daughter's first birthday, his
mother invited herself to come stay in our
tiny 2 bedroom apartment. That is fine and
all, but she was bringing her husband, her
2 daughters, and 1 of her daughter's
boyfriends. Running total of people
staying in said tiny apartment: 7 adults
and 1 infant and a dog (one shower, one
toilet, not much hot water, etc). The
WHOLE time, none of them picked up
anything after themselves. I found myself
CONSTANTLY cleaning. One day, I had asked
my boyfriend to take out the huge mass of
trash and to feed the baby after that. I
was busy cleaning the kitchen at the time
(8 people make a lot of dirty dishes).
Well, as soon as he walked out the door
with the trash, she turned to me and said,
"Does he always think like that?" and I
said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you
mean-feel like what?" Well, then she
proceeded to say, "Does he always think
that he has to do EVERYTHING and that you
can't do ANYTHING?"
I had to get out of there and take a
little walk to cool myself down.
So, we haven't seen her since.
current
situation
Well, it's coming up on our daughter's
second birthday, so of course, we invited
her to come down. I sent hotel prices this
time, hoping she would get the hint that I
didn't want her staying in my house again.
Well, she ignored that information and
invited herself to stay with us again (new
apartment, same amount of space). I
reluctantly gave in because I knew it was
only for a few days and it's only once a
year.
So then, me and the boyfriend get into a
big fight and break up. He left the house
and everything for a few days. We have
since mended things and are trying to work
things out so all three of us are happy.
His mother calls him at work this past
Friday trying to get him to string me
through a long custody battle, telling him
to do things he's never even heard of. I'm
almost positive she told him to get a
paternity test again too (she told him
that when she found out I was pregnant but
as soon as she saw the baby for the first
time, she ate her words). Meanwhile, she
is totally bashing me until my boyfriend
finally tells her to F-off and hung up on
her.
The funny thing is, she had been e-mailing
me at work back and forth being all chummy
telling me to go kayaking and stuff and
asking about the baby.
Today, after hearing that she has been
bashing me and hating on me for the last 2
1/2 years, since I became pregnant, I
wrote her an e-mail telling her to not
talk to me again and that she is NOT
welcome in my house ever again. If she
wants to see the baby, she can fork out
the money for a hotel room and THEN she
won't even get to see her unsupervised.
I am just done with her. She is the worst
mother in law ever. I'm sure every couple
has their mother in law from HELL, but
none compare to this piece of work.
Any advice????? Greatly appreciated!
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Marianne0558
Supporter
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 1689 Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Update Posted: 05-06-08 07:59am
Got more information about the Friday
conversation...
She DID tell him to get a paternity test.
She DID tell him to take me to court for
custody.
SO MAD RIGHT NOW I COULD SPIT FIRE!
If she thought he might not be our
daughter's father, why would she want him
to get custody of her?
I am DONE with her. DONE.
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Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 421 Location: , South Africa
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Posted: 05-11-08 07:43am
Marianne, you really don’t need any
advice. You handled the situation
perfectly. First by going for a walk
instead of exploding, (I think I would
have) then to send recommendations for
alternative accommodation, and finally by
standing up for yourself.
Nobody has the right to treat you this way
- let alone an overbearing woman who has
only seen you twice in her life.
The upside is that your bf stands firmly
behind you and by the looks of it will
never allow his mother to speak badly of
you. And of course the fact that she lives
so far away is also a plus point. You only
have to deal with her once a year, if at
all.
As far as your daughter is concerned:
don’t let her be alone with this woman.
Children are very easily influenced, and
by the looks of it - this awful woman will
stop at nothing.
Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 1636 Location: , KS USA
Thanks: 22
Thanked:9
Posted: 05-11-08 14:57pm
Wow what a story. It's what makes all
those MIL jokes so very funny and oh so
true.
You did right. Good for you! It takes
guts to cut someone off like that. You
are a little like me...I let people get
down my throat and stay there so long that
I think I will die. Then you just vomit
them out because you can't help it
anymore! I know about how many dishes and
mess 8 people make: that's how many people
I have here and it's not easy. At least
I'm the one in charge and can tell them to
pick up their mess and they are not
allowed to back talk.
Your boyfriend's mom has no right to see
the baby or you if you don't wish it.
Stick to your guns and shoot when you have
to (figuratively speaking of course lol).
Just be glad that she is as far away as
she is and not the the same town.
FYI, I cannot tell you how many times I
have seen the complete reverse of the
personality of a person from the internet
to real life. It's amazing. You never
know what the person is really like on the
other side.
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nightangel73
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Nov 2005 Posts: 2460 Location: ,
Thanks: 14
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online
Posted: 05-11-08 15:26pm
I used to joke with my MIL that oh here is
my wicked MIL. Now married I can see that
she was actually wicked!! My MIL is flat
out crazy and the problem I'm facing is to
kick her out my house. She imposed to live
in my house against my will for 5 months
now and my husband has no courage to kick
her out. It makes me want to throw up. I
envy my friends who have real nice in
laws..
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Fairy*Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1381 Location: , Georgia USA
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Thanked:56
Hi Sweetie! Me Fairy*Godmother Posted: 05-11-08 16:56pm
Marianne............you get the GOLDEN
BALLS AWARD! First, she is not LEGALLY
your Mother In Law. You are NOT married to
this baby's father. If you and your
boyfriend are fine with your situation as
it is now, then he needs to get some
gonads and tell her himself to butt out. I
despise two faced people and this
woman...thing....person invites herself
and her family into YOUR home and has the
nerve to say such things...Oh hell
no.......not in this lifetime. Time to
play" Whats it gonna be!" You seem to have
a great relationship with your boyfriend
up until its birthday time.....If your
boyfriend does go for a paternity test and
does the things His MOMMY is telling him
to do then this should be your answer. If
on the other hand he ,you and your
daughter are happy with life as it is, he
needs to be a man (if he really and truly
loves you both) and tell his Mommy to get
over it...... She sounds like soemone I
could really put in her
place...........here on eHealth I am
Fairy*Godmother and I bite my tongue a
lot....in rel life, I'd probably end up in
jail cause I'd have to put her in her
place! Got your back Girlfriend! Keep us
posted HUGS!!!!!!!!!
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Marianne0558
Supporter
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 1689 Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Update: Posted: 05-12-08 08:11am
She had replied to the e-mail I sent her
stating that none of this was true and
that she never said she hated me. Well,
you don't have to use the word "hate" to
give off the vibes that you DO, in fact,
hate someone.
She then stated that she never advised my
bf to string me through a custody battle.
She said she just wanted him to make sure
he had some legal rights.
Well, she told him to get a DNA test so he
would have legal rights as her father, BUT
that is not the law here in South
Carolina. I pointed that out and told her
that she was only working for a probate
judge and didn't know chit because she
only had access to estate laws and never
went to college. I told her that her son
signed a paternity acknowledgment form and
that he signed that to be her father
legally. If he hadn't have signed that
form, he wouldn't be on her birth
certificate. At this point, the only
reason for a DNA test would be to prove
that he is NOT the father. Until then
(even if he wasn't her biological
father[which he is]), he would be
financially responsible for supporting
her. It's kind of confusing, but in other
words, he IS her father until a DNA test
proves he isn't. (But he is anyway).
My friend told me that I should make her
get a DNA test to PROVE she is her
grandmother or else she can't have any
visitation with the baby. It would make
her waste $800, and then I could point and
laugh at her.
In my reply, I told her that she would
have to be blind to think the baby wasn't
my bf's and if she really felt that way
then she needs to stay out of all of our
lives.
She called yesterday to tell me happy
Mother's Day, but I wouldn't take the
phone from my bf and gave him the finger
The bf and I have had several
conversations about this and I let him
know that I choose to be with him, not his
mother. If she has a problem with me, she
will need to get over it or she won't have
any relationship at all with her only
grandchild.
I'm glad I let her know how I feel about
her though because it feels like a HUGE
burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
She better not be still planning to come
next month!
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Fairy*Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1381 Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 45
Thanked:56
Good For YOU! Posted: 05-12-08 08:16am
GO GIRLFRIEND! YOu have got your CAACAA
together! I am so very proud of you! Keep
us posted!
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Questions4u
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 42
Posted: 05-12-08 08:52am
if you're sure he's the father, why not
let him take the test and she'll have
nothing to say if its as you believe? the
only reason not to, would be if you were
afraid he may not be.
I'd say let him take the test and then
dismiss her from your life.
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Marianne0558
Supporter
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 1689 Location: Charleston, SC USA
Thanks: 44
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Posted: 05-12-08 09:03am
Questions4u
wrote:
if you're sure he's the
father, why not let him take the test and
she'll have nothing to say if its as you
believe? the only reason not to, would be
if you were afraid he may not be.
I'd say let him take the test and then
dismiss her from your
life.
I have told him that he is welcome to take
a paternity test many times. He is sure he
is her father. That was his decision not
to take one, not mine.
There is always more than one possible
reason for certain circumstances, so let's
not assume things we don't know anything
about. Truth be told, we don't exactly
have $800 extra to throw away on something
we are both sure of anyway.
If I was trashy, I would go on the Maury
Povich show for a free one...
He even told his mother that he would take
one if she paid for it.
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Questions4u
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 42
Posted: 05-12-08 09:10am
don't be offended, I was only giving you
my opinion as you asked.
"feel free to read my book and advise"
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Marianne0558
Supporter
Joined: 10 Sep 2007 Posts: 1689 Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Posted: 05-12-08 09:20am
I'm not offended. I was simply replying to
your comments.
I gave the reason we didn't want the test.
It sounds so cliche', but there is NO way
he isn't her father. We don't have that
kind of money or else I would have made
him do the test as soon as she was born to
shut her up. But after 2 1/2 years, she
shouldn't be barking up this tree anymore
while still trying to be apart of her
life. It's not fair to the baby to sit
there and want to have a relationship with
her, then turn around and say she doesn't
think her father is really her father.
I mean, I have personal experience with
this sort of thing. It is so obvious that
me and my 2 sisters have different
fathers, but we were always told
differently. We just accept it and my
father took care of all 3 of us just like
we were his, so it is no different to us.
It takes a male to make a baby but it
takes a man to be a father.
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Questions4u
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 42
Posted: 05-12-08 09:25am
"t takes a male to make a baby but it
takes a man to be a father."
truer words have never been spoken!
That sucks that they lied to you about
separate fathers. I would've been pissed
about that. Honesty is the best
policy...it's not like you don't realize
the man that WAS a father to you was the
guy you grew up with regardless.
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Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 421 Location: , South Africa
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Posted: 05-12-08 10:05am
'It takes a male to make a baby but it
takes a man to be a father.' Brilliant.
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mominashoe
Supporter
Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 1636 Location: , KS USA
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Posted: 05-12-08 10:09am
I have heard a similar quote..."any one
can be a father, but it takes a special
person to be a dad."