I'm 19 years old and have had paranoid
schizophrenia as long as I can
remember(self diagnosed).
I have wanted to get treatment for about 4
years now, but I can't get myself to say
anything to my mom(who has been depressed
for a long time).
One side of me wants to get treated and
taken care of.
One side of me is mocking me with this
macho bs.
One side of me knows how embarrased and
ridiculed i'm gonna feel after having said
it.
One side of me wants to be diagnosed so
that I cant have those papers as a proof
that i'm dangerous and people should stay
away from me.
I'm currently going trough a bad period
with frequent symptoms and I wanna get
help, but I know that i'm gonna feel so
disgusted with myself when I get into a
little better period.
I don't know how my mom will response
either, I have told her about my sleeping
disorders but she just dismissed that and
blamed it on something else.
How am I ever gonna be able to get help
when i'm so split and the strongest side
is the self loathing and really
passive-agressive side of me that always
tells me that my illness is not that
severe and I shouldn't be whining, there
are people out there that are much worse
of.
But I know i'm pretty ill deep down, I
never leave the house if I dont have to, I
can't stand to look at girls anymore(i
feel they would be disgusted with me
looking at them), constantly thinking i'm
gonna get killed or beat up. Whenever
a car speeds up somewhere i'm immediatly
thinking they're gonna come after me.
When the phone or door rings I panic
etc.
I feel horrible and weak for writing this.
I think someone is spying at my
computer aswell.
So my question would be: how do I go about
telling this to someone? Any "tricks"
you can use?
The worst part about it is the shame that
i'm gonna feel and i'm feeling right now.
