Depression Forum - Never happy depression

hello all,
i'm new to this support group/ chat/ forum thing, but i depserately need ppl to talk to who can't judge (ya'll don't know me, so judgements seem sorta dumb).

I feel like i'm drowning, like i can't keep my head above water. By the time i finally get a small hold on things that are going on, something esle gets piled on, i'm so tired.

I have never been happy, or at least not in any prolonged sense- i started cutting at 14, and i'm 22 now. I haven't cut in 2 years, but it isn't easy. I miss it so badly, sometimes i sleep with razors like a sercurity blanket. I feel guilty about wanting it so badly.

I was sexually assulted 2 1/2 years ago, and made the descian to not press charges. i didn't really go to counciling, i sort of dealth with it myslef. I cut, i drank, i did drugs, and i basically became a *enter slang derogitory word for promiscuous woman here*. Every person i slept with was a way at getting back at the guy, like saying"screw you, this time i said yes!" i slept iwth 2x as many men in 3 months as i had in my entire life. one of htem has become my currant boyfriend- wev'e been together for about a year now, he knows about my past and is, for the most part, pretty supportive.

in the course of these experiences i contracted HPV (found out about a year ago)- not the kind that causes warts, the kind that causes cancer. i felt like i deserved it, like i deserved the attack. we make choices, and things happen because of it. I now have to get biopsies every 3 months because i just couldn't deal approprietly.

a month ago i went to the doctor for a routine UTI, and found out i have herpes. I feel disgusting and worthless. My vagina is a festering cancerous sore and i hate it. I hate myself.

I feel ugly and worthless to my core. Every fiber of my being reeks of failure. I hate myself more than anything, and i can't explain why. i feel like i'm dirty, and i just want to shower until i dissapear.

Noone understands, and i feel awkward talking about this with my friends/ boyfriend/ family, although they are all very supportive people. I have a high GPA and am graduating with outstanding honors and going to graduate school. Nonetheless i fantasize about suicide the way some people day dream about going to the bahamas. the only thing that keeps me form doing it is knwoing how it effects others- people feel so guilty: what could they have done to prevent this, why didn't tehy know, etc; even tho it would have nothing to do with them. There's no way to keep them from feeling that, so i don't do it.

i want to tho. I'm just so tired of this. I look at myself and know that no matter what- good friends, good school, everything going well and i'm not happy... i'm never going to be happy. it's always going to be like this isn't it? i'm at a loss....