i become different when i see my doc. he
calls me jackie o, i suppose bc i act like
everything is ok. which i really think it
is but i'm starting to think everything is
not ok. i feel... understimulated. but i'm
thinking that the meds are making me feel
this way. i believe that is the purpose of
them in a way. i'm too desensitized.
MEDS AND BACKGROUND - i've been on bp meds
for less than 1 year, meds for Major
Depressive Disorder,MDD, for over a decade
and meds for sever anxiety for over a
decade. i was treated for MDD up until
recently. i also have Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder or PTSD which i've worked
through mostly without meds... just
counseling. i was told by many docs for
over a decade that i was bp but i would
never agree before recently bc my eldest
brother is bp and we are not alike. or so
i thought. i struggled for many years
working so hard to stay alive and function
without bp meds because i just plain out
didn't believe the docs. i told myself
that they were stupid or incompetent. i
never attempted suicide. i have called
hotlines on the brink of doing harm to
myself. i am more depressed that manic.
MY BREAKING POINT - it happened almost 1
year ago. i had the kind of breakdown that
is impossible to hide. i was at home
recovering from fertility surgery that i
had last october. i found out that i was
infertile and have endometriosis stage 4.
i found this all
out while i was running an art department,
engaged and planning the wedding of my
dreams. i married on sept 29th and we took
of to jamaica for our honeymoon. ten days
later i had my fertility surgery. the
surgery was a success in that they were
able to open up my clubbed tubes and save
50% of my fimbria. i was going downhill
fast mentally. and one day i snapped. i
was on the phone with my mother... we were
having a heated argument. can't remember
what is was about but i threw the phone
and went into a panic attack. i eventually
hyperventilated then i went completely
catatonic. my husband luckily called me
while i was having the panic attack. he
rushed home to find me drooling on myself
and coming in and out of consciousness. he
called my parents over. by the time they
got there i was catatonic. i checked out
completely. i eventually came around after
about 4 or 5 hours. i was embarrassed to
say the least. in high and sight i should
have been taken to the hospital but i
think everyone in their unspoken way knew
this was a mental health issue and they
would commit me. i was almost committed
within the last year bc a doc overdosed me
on paxil... yay. that was fun... whole
other story.
DIAGNOSIS - so, i went to a new pdoc and
told him everything. no faking this time.
he diagnosed me with bp. sigh. shocker,
right? only this time i accepted my
diagnosis bc i was tired of struggling and
i just couldn't do it anymore. it was a
life or death situation for me. one of the
saddest days of my life... telling my
fertility docs i had to take meds that are
harmful to a fetus. my husband and i were
planning to have kids soon but now that
has changed.
MEDS - i started out on lamictal and
seroquel. i also was kept on my meds
treating MDD and anxiety, cymbalta and
ativan (now klonzapam). the seroquel
screwed me in every way possible. i lost
my job bc i couldn't focus, concentrate
and do my demanding and high stress job. i
was a sr. art director at an ad agency. i
was also still in bp hell on top if it. my
doc quickly switched me from 600mg of
seroquel to 10mg of abilify. within a few
weeks i began to come around. i was
starting to feel good again and like i was
before when i was younger. i currently
take lamictal 200mg, cymbalta 60mg,
klonzapam 30mg and abilify10mg. as far as
i can tell i am pretty level... almost too
level though.
whew...
