Pregnant and having doubts Posted: 05-25-08 12:40pm
Hello I hope you can help me. I am 28
years old and married but it is not a very
happy relationshiup. I thought it was all
okay but then I found out that my husband
has been using the internet to look for
gay porn. I don't think he's cheated on me
but obviously it's worried me. We have
been married for 5 years and he's never
given me any reason to think he might be
gay.
Anyway, my problem is that I am pregnant.
My husband has always really wanted
children but I never have. However, I got
pregnant to please him because I really
love him and thought we would be together
forever Now I'm wondering if I was just
used to give him children because so far
during this pregnancy he's been totally
obsessed with the baby and not with me.
It's really getting me down and I don't
think I can continue with the pregnancy
anymore. I am 20 weeks pregnant and due a
scan in the next few days but I am
dreading it because I am seriously
considering abortion and I don't want to
see the baby on the screen and find out
the sex, it will make it so much harder
for me. Basically, I just can't face going
through this pregnancy just for my husband
to leave me. I think if I can
'accidentally' lose this pregnancy then I
might be able to keep him with me by
pretending to try for another one.
I am from the UK so I have another 4 weeks
to decide. I asked my midwife and she
seemed horrified and told me I should see
my doctor because I sounded depressed but
that I needed to make a decuision quickly
because my time was running out. I don't
think I am depressed, I just want my happy
life back with my husband and not this
sham.
I hope there are some ladies out there
that can help me. I feel so alone and must
sound like a monster but I'm truly not.
|
Idony
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2006 Posts: 1611 Location: virginia beach, va usa
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Posted: 05-25-08 12:44pm
first off im sorry this isnt a happy time
or you
however i beleive you shouldnt have gotten
pregnant if you didnt want to, PERSONALLY
i think its selfish of you to get an
abortion, because it sounds like you did
plan this child and now that things arent
the way you would like you want to get rid
of it. thats wrong to me, if your husband
really doesnt care about the relationship
then you need to consider divorce, not
getting an aborion just to trick him into
staying, that manipulative and horrible,
you need to talk to your husband and
figure out whats going on, what your
talking about is just as bad as girls who
tell their SO they are on BC when they
arent so they get pregnant to trap the
man
please dont take this as anything but what
it is, i am not trying to attack you, i am
just trying to tell you my opinion of the
situation, im sure your just scared and
dont know what to do, im not trying to say
i think your a bad person, i just think
what you are contemplating is very very
bad
i hope you can get everything straightened
out and get your self in a good place
talk to your husband before you do
anything big, if it turns out it was some
fluke and he really wants the baby and
you, then you would probably feel horrible
for being so "impulsive" (sorry couldnt
think ogf a better word) and if you do get
the abortion and he stays hopeing to get
you pregnant again, you will know that its
not a real relationship and you will still
feel bad
I'm sorry you're in this situation, it
must be very hard for you. I don't believe
an abortion is the answer though.. it will
only deeply upset your husband & you
could end up losing him over it.
A child DOES change a relationship, but it
can be for the better. You definitely need
to talk to your husband about this. He
might be feeling confused about his
sexuality or maybe he's just curious..
he's not necessarily gay just because he's
looked at gay porn. You need to find out
how he really feels.
Please talk to your husband before you do
anything drastic. I doubt you'd be able to
have an abortion without him knowing at
this stage anyway.. you'd either have to
go through labour & birth of the
child, or have surgery.. both of which
involve spending time in hospital.
|
moldedbymercy88
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Nov 2007 Posts: 525 Location: Somewhere, FL USA
Thanks: 6
Thanked:7
Posted: 05-25-08 14:28pm
I don't understand your thinking here. You
got pregnant, for your husband. You never
wanted the baby. You have a right to not
want children. But, it should be by not
getting pregnant. Then you want to "keep"
your husband, a man collecting gay porn,
by killing the child he's always wanted?
How do you think that's going to work when
you even expressed that he is over the
moon about this baby? It's not just your
baby. Even though it is in your womb, it's
just as much his child as it is yours. How
would you feel if the roles were
reveresed? What if you were the man,
longing for a child. And he's was the
woman that didn't want children. You find
out he pregnant...........you couldn't be
more excited! Then, after growing attached
to the baby for 5 months, he tells you he
had an abortion. The baby you'd been
longing for, planning for, imagining all
of the things you could do with
them......was dead. Gone forever. How
could you think of doing that to your
husband?
You're in my prayers. I truly hope you
talk to your husband. I hope you fix
everything that's wrong in your marriage,
and that you don't punish your innocent
child for it.
|
AyaMiyaki
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Jun 2006 Posts: 8344 Location: Floating on a cloud, United States
Thanks: 186
Thanked:15
Posted: 05-25-08 14:31pm
You should sit down with your husband and
discuss all of this. Tell him that finding
him looking at gay porn worries you and
brings up questions in your mind. Tell him
that you feel like he's more focused on
this baby than he is on you. Tell him that
you're not sure you want this baby and see
how he reacts.
Honesty and communication are vital parts
of marriage. You need to be open and
honest with him, and you deserve for him
to be open and honest with you as well.
You two need to come to an understanding
with each other. You need to understand
why he feels compelled to look at gay
porn, and he needs to understand why you
feel you aren't ready to be a mother.
These are things that need to be ironed
out immediately. Actually, they should
have been ironed out before you agreed to
a pregnancy you never wanted, but you can
only go forward from here.
Please do not terminate this pregnancy
without speaking to him first. He deserves
to know how you're feeling, and it's
possible that after speaking with him and
getting some things out in the open,
you'll be more willing to carry to term.
Another thing is, if he's as attached to
this pregnancy as you claim, he'll be
devastated at its ending and will probably
resent your secrecy. It's possible that it
could have lasting damage on your
marriage.
Be honest with him. Sit him down and talk
to him. See if you two can't come to some
kind of understanding here.
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Pondering651
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 May 2008 Posts: 8
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Thanked:0
-agrees- Posted: 05-27-08 01:37am
i agree with Ayamiyaki, i believe you
should talk to him about it before you
continue your pregnancy or if you chose
not too...... =)
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killbill
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Jan 2008 Posts: 426
Thanks: 34
Thanked:35
Posted: 05-27-08 10:03am
go get some counselling. you need to work
on trust and communication in your
relationship. it is so wrong to think of
keeping someone in a relationship by
deception and manipulation especially when
there is a life on the line. babies
aren't for rescuing relationships when
adults forget how to talk to each other
only to be thrown away when they stop
working. it's your body and you can do
what you want but i find it really sad
that you would use a life that way. i
hope you can work things out and find some
intimacy and communication in your
relationship so you can do things on a
healthier level.
|
falafal4ever81
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 82
Posted: 06-23-08 15:35pm
many people are curious about things in
life, have you ever looked at alternative
jobs, a different type of house, or even
living in a different city? just because
you look at options doesnt mean it is
right for you, but you need to look to
find out. also, if he was just looking at
regular porn he could have gotten pop ups
from these gay porn sites. porn sites are
super sneaky, sometimes they take names of
popular internet sites and switch 2 of the
letters hoping that people will mistype
and stumble onto them by accident. i dated
a guy who was obsessed with internet porn
so i know a lot of this junk. he even got
a virus once that was "midget sex" and he
could not get it off of his computer for
the life of him.
anyhow, what if you had the baby and 5
years down the line he falls out of love
with you, whould you still kill your child
then? or is it only acceptable because it
doenst have a voice yet? if you dont want
it, then give it up for adoption, or just
let him raise it and remove yourself from
its life, but dont end its life.
sometimes, with babies as developed as
yours, they survive the abortion, but
ususally with major consequences. in the
guiness book of world records they have a
boy who was born at 18 weeks and lived.
could you imagine? please remember that
just becuase you can do something, doesnt
mean you should.
i hope things work out for you and i hope
you make the right choice, this baby can
feel pain, respond to stimuli, suck its
thumb, has a heart beat and so much more.
it is a person, just a small one.
