realities of bipolar

I feel like a drug addict with no twelve step program. No, I dont do drugs, but it feels like BPD is a drug by itself. It's like having a little pouch on the back of my neck that randomly injects a drug to make me manic. It becomes so hard to control myself. I have to pause and analyze everything I say before I say it so it sounds normal. I start to think anything is possible, and ideas... oh the ideas, they race in packs through my head, and half of them dont make any sense at all. These senseless racing thoughts, as far as I'm concerned, they're just another way to define insanity. Now Imagine being on this high dose of drugs and trying to cope with people in business and everyday life. Sure, it is possible and I've found a way to do it, it's not fool proof, but I just pretend I dont feel the mania. I try to mimic what others do, their temperament, their mood, their pace in speaking -- I can fake all that. And it's works fine for casual interactions, but the second you bring deep emotions into the mix... now those are hard to fake. Perhaps impossible.

Jump to my date later that night, when I'm sitting next to this girl I've been dating, who I just slept with the night before. The only difference is tonight I'm manic once again. I've been stripped of any logical emotions which have been replaced with illogical feelings that don't make any sense! Feelings that just sabatague the moment all together. So I do my best, but I just keep screwing up. I'm not charming tonight. Instead I'm dull, boring, and trying so hard to ignore the mania and just act normal!

Needless to say, even though I had sex with her the night before, I'm pretty sure I wont see her again. Not without convincing anyways. And this seems to be the story of my life. Only it gets worse. The next couple days I'm back to normal. Back at work, I meet with the CEO and board of a National Steel Fabricating Company and I present to all of them a new marketing strategy I've worked out. They love it. The CEO wants me to start as soon as possible. I tell him it'l take a good full day of work, but I should be able to get it ready for Friday. As I walk out the door I think to myself, "I'm da man. I'm 21, with my own company, and already my clients are some of the largest companies in the US".

Only, remember that little bag filled with "manic drugs", well it also contains depressants, which start flowing through my veigns the next morning. And and they continue flowing for days. I feel horrible, so bad in fact I just lay in bed. But the depression never goes away quite as quickly. Three days later I'm still there, from Tuesday to Thursday, only getting up to piss, poop, and eat as needed. I feel like dying as I lay there, and when I get up to do something it feels impossible. My mind doesn't work. I just end up staring at the keyboard and feeling more depressed because I'm failing at the one thing I'm good at. I've even tried adderall Ritalin, Concerta, and others I cant remember. Just some stimulant to get me going, and get me out of this hellish bed. But that doesn't work either, most times it only makes it worse because I end up in bed shaking and don't eat all day. So now Friday has rolled around and I'm starting to feel better, but I have nothing done. I'm picturing myself telling this CEO, who gets to work each day before 8, keeps everything on schedule and manages not only himself but over 50 other employees and three separate fabricating locations, that well... "I'm sorry, but I was very depressed and just layed in bed, so I didn't get anything done." Yeah right, like that would ever fly. So I bite the bullet and lie, I tell him "something came up, family issues, and I'll have to reschedule". I can tell he's a little annoyed, but these things happen so no big deal. Until the next time it happens, what will I say then? But worse, now I feel like a worthless f**king liar. And pattern reoccurs over and over and over again.

My parents sent me to NA (Narcotics Anonymous), in high school after they caught me with a few pills. I was just experimenting, but they wanted me to see what NA was like. The stories they told, they sounded a lot like the one I'm telling now. So I wonder, where is my twelve step program?

I drive home home to my messy apartment. I decide maybe there's hope. Maybe I just haven't tried the right medication. Something that could really get rid of all this crap and "normalize" me. So I drive to see my psychiatrist. I never have to schedule an appointment with her since I'm her Technical Consultant and we sort of trade services. I'm walking in to her office thinking, she doing a good job of pretending to care, she sees me for all of five miniutes while I explain how the last drug, after two months has done nothing. How things are only getting worse, and I'm getting fits of senseless anger. For no reason at all, I just feel a huge amount of rage that last only an hour or so, but it scares even me. I tell her how last time I had this rage, the microwave wasnt heating my food fast enough, the seconds were going by too slow, and this of all things killed me. So I put my fist through it and smashed it against the ground for 10 minutes till my hands were bloddy and the rage subsided. And the thing, I've never been an angry person. So she says "lets try Depakote and take this Valium when you get the rage".

I hope it works, but to me it feels like an endless cycle of "new drugs". Drugs I'll have to pay for, then I'll get minimal results and lots of side effects. I feel like my shrink is just shooting in the dark with these medications, and I'm about ready to call it quits and swallow a bottle of opiates. Then at least they'll be no pain. No living in fear of what face I'll be wearing tomorrow. No lies, no frustrations, no constantly trying for something and then either failing or giving up because of this thing in my head.... Just calm. As far as the eye can sea, forever and ever. But of course, during our sessions, I cant tell her how bad it is. The suicide thoughts I mean. I'd like her input, although I doubt it would help, but really I'm scared to bring it up. And it's not because I dont trust her, I do, I know she's a good person and a good doctor, but she has a legal obligation to report it, and who knows where that would put me. Back into a mental hospital I spent a week in three years ago? God no, never again.

So there's a quick summary of my recent life.

I always thought bi-polar would be just another something to fix or ignore. A hurdle to jump. Something that I could overcome if I just worked hard enough, or worse case, something that I'd just grow out of. But I no longer feel that way. I've been buying books, but they seem only to concentrate on the diagnosis, and vaguly cover the cures. I'm tired of fighting this, I'm about ready to give up. I'm ready to stop wasting my life always struggling against the BSD and always losing. That's exactly what it is, a loosing battle, because when I'm fighting against myself no matter wins, I still lose. And to take it one step further, even if I do win and accomplish my goals, what do I have to look forward to? Being married with kids, and successful, and being horribly depressed. Another bad father, and a bad example to my own kids.

I didn't plan on writing all of this, but I'm glad I did. I dont know where else to turn for help. I'm on my last thread. I really think life is the most incredible thing we'll ever have, but not like this. My life has become a hell, where everything you work for gets taken away eventually, and starting a family, or even having a healthy realtionship is an imposibility.

Thanks in advance for listening and for your help,

- Adam Celing