I'm not even sure if this is the right
place to go, but I really wanted some
outsider's advice about my relationship.
My boyfriend (who is much younger than I)
and I have been together about 15 months
now. It's been great. We've had a
wonderful time together and have truly
surpassed a lot of the little relationship
landmarks I'd given myself over the years.
He's lived with me since June of last
year, and it's been great.
I love him so much and I know he feels the
same way.
Now with all that being said...he's had
quite a struggle dealing with being young
and not really knowing what he wants with
his life etc...And now he's finally in a
job he's enjoying and seems to be doing
well...here's where the problem lies: He
has been going back and forth regarding
whether we should break up or not. He
doesn't want to break up because he's
fallen out of love with me or that he's
unhappy. He wants to break up because he
wants the opportunity to be on his own and
to fall on his face and be independent,
etc. He's never really had that
opportunity since he moved in with me
after leaving college.
I would like to make moves to give him
more freedom within the relationship (not
an open relationship, because I know that
wouldn't work for me and I don't think
it's a good solution for something like
this), but making sure we both have some
more time on our own, and that I let him
take on more responsibility financially
for things (even though my income somewhat
dwarfs his).
I would like for this to work and I've
already made clear to him that while I
want it to work, I will understand if he
has to go do his own thing. It would of
course hurt like hell to end it,
especially since it wouldn't end due to
lack of love, but I understand that it's
ok if it has to go that way.
He's said he's very happy being with me
and would be unhappy without me, but gets
frustrated with this nagging urge to go be
a little homo in the world. Any thoughts
on how we should proceed?
Thanks!
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JYoungBear
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Dec 2007 Posts: 182 Location: , MA
Thanks: 51
Thanked:20
Posted: 05-08-08 18:33pm
Well, there isn't technically breaking up,
but how about taking a step back from the
relationship to see how things go?
I experienced something similar to this
way back in Nov. '07, and yet my first
boyfriend and I remain close friends to
this day, we decided to step back due to
some ongoing issues on his end. It got to
a point where it was affecting intimacy,
and we decided it was best for me to be
there more as a friend than a lover, due
to some pressures that may be building to
take things in a very wrong direction for
both of us. There was still the chance of
us getting back together though.
We decided ultimately that we work better
as friends, and that he actually urged me
to date other guys when I was ready.
However, in your case, it may be wise to
take a step back so he can be more
independent and he can live life for a
while. The only thing from this is, it
could cause him to date others outside
your relationship, and things may end
poorly, who knows.
It would be best to have a nice and
thorough talk with him about all the
topics related to him wanting to have
freedom for a bit. Like you said, it has
nothing to do with love, and it is painful
to make decisions sometimes as a couple,
but to talk them out and to maybe come to
a conclusion that both you and your
boyfriend can agree to would probably be
your best option.
Joined: 03 Jan 2008 Posts: 3815 Location: Earth..usually, USA
Thanks: 514
Thanked:1435
Posted: 05-08-08 18:39pm
Good point,JYoungBear...Space...give him
room to grow. Maybe you should each have
your own place and "date" to relight the
fire...Its hard to say. I can understand
your concern but you know the old
saying..."If you love something set it
free, if it comes back its yours if it
doesn't it never was"..Just because you
don't live together doesn't mean you cant
still be together.What is the age
difference? maybe he is just wanting to
experience life on his own...let me know
whats going on and maybe we can talk this
out...good luck.
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marvel
Supporter
Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 1104 Location: Toronto, Ontario (but only a private message away)
Thanks: 50
Thanked:8
Posted: 05-11-08 13:53pm
You have to let him go for a little bit.
There is no sense in carrying on the
relationship the way it is now, because
it's just stressful.
I see his side of it, though. I can
understand that you have to experience a
lot before you can commit fully to a
relationship. There's a lot he still has
to learn.
Whatever happens, happens because there is
something bigger and better in store.
Maybe he'll learn how much he actually
loves you and will realise through this
experience where he really stands. Other
things could happen. In any case, don't
fight what is happening. Embrace it,
painful as it may be, and deal with it as
positively as you can. It'll hurt for a
bit, sure, but you'll learn about the
stuff you (and the world) are made of!
