Broken Hearted Forum - Same story, different day....


Same story, different day....

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Rapunzel

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Joined: 28 Apr 2008
Posts: 3

Same story, different day.... Posted: 04-28-08 17:13pm


My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have a 15 year old son. My marriage, to say the least, has been stormy. I realize there are two sides to every story, but I'm here to tell mine, and hopefully get some feedback that will help guide me towards the next step I think I need to take. To make a long story short, things have begun to decline rapidly (again) and have been affecting my son in a very negative way. My husband is very controlling and my son and I struggle to maintain our individuality on a daily basis. I back down from my husband in an effort to "keep the peace" , but my son doesn't, which creates huge problems between the them and I feel like I'm constantly teetering between the two of them to keep the problem from escalating. My husband is constantly finding fault in everything we do. In the last couple of years, I find that I'm defending my son more and more in every conversation or situation, consequently creating a wedge between my husband and I. As you can imagine, that infuriates my husband. My son won't bring his friends to our home because he's uncomfortable when his father's home. My friends don't call or come by anymore either...it's just easier that way. As an adult, I've learned to live with this, but it seems so unfair to think that my son would have to live the same type of life I do. My son is resentful for some of the episodes he's been subjected to. The eruptions of anger, the constant mood swings, and then the gifts that follow...an attempt to smooth things over again. Have any of y'all been where I am? Do you feel the same sense of failure I feel?

Willa Weintraub

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Posted: 04-30-08 07:16am


First of all you are not a failure and what he is doing is called abuse. You defend your son because you feel it's right and you love him. It's what every mother should feel dear. You can't continue to walk on eggshells to make things ok. It will never be ok which means you will either deal with it for the rest of your life and be lonely since he is so controlling, or you can offer him an alternative. Have you talked to him about maybe going for some anger managment? It is possible that he could be depressed or have bi-polar disorder. Do either of these things run in his family? Neither you or your son should have to live like this. You don't deserve it and in muy opinion, your husband doesn't deserve you if he is treating you in this way. If you ever need to talk please let me know I'll be here.

Rapunzel

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Joined: 28 Apr 2008
Posts: 3

Posted: 04-30-08 17:56pm


Willa, thank you for replying and for your encouraging comments. Several years back my husband and I went to marriage counseling. The counselor wanted to see him every Wednesday and Friday of each week, and asked if I would come in once a month. Counseling didn't last long. He felt it was an unnecessary expense and was also uncomfortable sharing "our private issues" with her. He has admitted that he may have some problems with depression, however, because of the type of job he has, he can't take certain types of medication and continue to work....it's against regulation. I have attempted to separate from him in the past. We talked...he told me that he can't live without me, and that he would change...and he did, for a while. Then we always seem to end up where we are now...the cycle continues. When my son was younger, it was easier to hide the problems and deal with them myself. Now that he's older, he "gets" it, and that's what breaks my heart. My husband travels a lot which gives my son and I some releif during the time that he's gone. The house is void of stress and tension while he's away. The really sad thing about this is that when my husband's not in one of those dark moods, he's such a great person. He is soooo charasimatic and charming. Anybody looking from the outside in would never guess what's going on. As far as living like this for the rest of my life, I don't want to do that, but more importantly, I don't want it for my son. Having said that, I also need to say that my son needs a father. BUT, he needs a father who will be encouraging, supportive, understanding and ACCEPTING, instead of one who is angry, and.... Yesterday I brought up the topic of counseling again. I explained my concerns for all of us and I asked him if he would consider it, I felt like we ALL needed it. He adamantly refused. I'd give anything if I could make things different and have a normal family that was absent of any dysfunction....for my son's sake.

Rosie H

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Posted: 04-30-08 18:19pm


Wow. I must say that you are indeed a very strong and capable mother. I am young and not too experienced in marriage and kids (yet) but I have gone through my own depression and couseling. Also I have gone through abusive parents. My suggestion would be to keep trying to talk to him and suggest counseling. Maybe at a time when things are going good for everyone. Or you could write him a letter and send it off with him when he goes out for business. or you can leave. I dont mean divorce but maybe you could put some space between the two of you for a while. Let him have time to think about his life. Let him decide for himself if hes ok with the way things are. I know it cant be easy just to take your son and leave. but do you have a friend or family that you can stay with?

Rapunzel

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Joined: 28 Apr 2008
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Posted: 04-30-08 20:11pm


Rosie, I think your idea of approaching him about the counseling when things are going well is a great idea. Maybe he would be more receptive to the topic if it wasn't presented under defensive circumstances. As far as leaving goes, I don't work, I don't have money put away. My closest family member lives 1300 miles from me. However, I wouldn't hesitate to use a credit card if I had to and go to a hotel if things got really out of hand. My husband doesn't feel that "he" should leave. It's an awkward situation. May I say that I am truly appreciative of your comments and suggestions. It helps so much to just be able to talk.

Willa Weintraub

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Posted: 05-01-08 09:47am


Your in a tough spot it seems. I was in that spot a few years back with an ex boyfriend. Granted I had no children with him and we were not married so it wasn't as complicated but I felt the exact same way as you do now. When he was in a good mood everything was great and he was great but when he was in a bad mood, forget it. he was also controlling and I tried several times to get him to go to counceling with me or to the doctor to see if he had any type of depression or maybe bi-polar disorder. he never wanted to go until after I left him. He was diagnosed as depressed and was put on meds. Let me tell you hun, he will not change. He will not change unless you give him a reason to. From where i'm sitting, what he thinks is that as long as you allow it to go on it's ok and you will stay no matter because you love him. I know you do love him but there is a fine line. Once you feel you have done everything you possibly can to help him and there is nothing left for you to do you have 2 roads to go down. . . Stay, be miserable and deal with it or leave and take the chance that he might wake up and realize what he is missing. I hope my advice helps you some what. I only say all this because i'm pretty sure I know how you feel and I would never wish this feeling on anyone. It's been almost 3 years since my ex and I broke up but I always will remember that feeling.

Rosie H

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Posted: 05-01-08 10:48am


Im glad that I could help a little. Try to remember to bring this up when things are good. The bad thing about that is when its good you dont want to think about the bad or you think to your self "why spoil such a good time". But when you are all heated and angry its almost impossible to clearly hear each other out. You(or him) are so focused on what the other is doing wrong that your mind cant see the truth clearly. Instead you (he) gets defensive, same probably goes for your son. I have leanred this through trial and error and it is not an easy thing to do. Me and my hubby of 2 years are just learning how to approach each other. Try saying "when this happens I feel so......." Have your son tell his father the same thing. Im sure he loves you and your son dearly and if he really heard how he hurts you he may think twice. Most the time the angry or depressed person is so wrapped up in their problems and their horrible life that they really have NO IDEA what the others are feeling. Depression can be very selfish. This sounds bogus but its true. This probably sounds like an exuse but its not. Their mind is just so full of their own pain. When you are ready to approach him dont start by saying you this and you do that and you make me feel this. Try to focus on your feelings only. Try to forget the things he has done to you for a moment. Otherwise your anger and resentment will brush him off. Try not to point fingers and try to give the impression that you are open to him and that you love him. Its kinda like baby steps. The more he sees that you arent trying to attack him the more his guard will go down