i did it again.
this time it was bad. really bad. i got
angry with my bf when we YM i screamed and
shouted until my mom knocked the door and
asked whats going on. not only did i
screamed and yelled i hit myself really
bad. i mean really. i punched my hands
till it bruised. god it hurts. i slapped
my legs, my face all coz i hate myself for
being stupid. i should be punished for the
stupidity ive put everyone in. even
writing here i feel like im burdening
everybody who reads this.
i am not a patient person. seriously im
not. i can get angry realy fast. when i
get angry my heart races and my hands
suddenly feel very light and i start doing
things. i start hitting and slapping
myself. its like an itch. when ur hands or
legs or anywhere are itchy, u just have
the urge to scratch. same goes to the
beatings. when i get so dam angry, i just
have the urge to hit myself. i just want
to do horrible stuff to myself. i just
want to scream.
ive tried stopping this urge. i dont want
to live like this for all of my life. i
tried taking ice cubes and put it to where
i feel like hitting, ive tried the rubber
band thingy, i tried hitting the pillows
instead of myself. but none of them
worked. none of them gave me a deep
satisfaction. none. and plus i feel stupid
when i do that.
and going to the psychiatrist is out of
the question. no. where i am from, theres
no such thing as psychiatrists.
right now, my only option is just to be
patient and hope that this urge would go
away. but i dont know how long it can
last..
