Diciplining Your Child - What Works For You? Posted: 07-17-07 15:16pm
I am just curious how parents of older
children deal with bad behavior, like
talking back, not listening, and just
plain being disobedient?
My sister in law and brother have been
having a heck of a time getting my 5 year
old niece to mind them. She has been
little miss attitude lately to everyone,
especially them. She knows she isn't
supposed to do certain things, but she
continues to test them. They are trying
to break her of it, but they are having a
hard time doing so.
So today they came up with an idea that
they had at her preschool. They made a
stoplight, and if she is good during the
day, she stays on green. If she is
starting to act out then she goes to
yellow. And if she is really bad, then it
goes to red. Get the idea? I think it is
used in a lot of daycares and preschools.
So then each day she stays on green, she
gets a reward of some type...ex...extra
desert, stay up a little later, gets a
treat at the grocery store...what ever.
She also started her on a chore list
hoping that will start to get her back in
line and start to obey her parents. She
has like 3 or 4 chores to do a day and if
she does them all she will get some money
at the end of the week...like an
allowance.
So I remember doing things similar to this
when I was a child, and this is where I
think my brother got the idea...So what do
you guys think of this method and what do
you do in your house???
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pronetoillness
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What? Posted: 07-17-07 15:29pm
a 5 year old getting an allowence?
correct me if i misread please.. haha...
hmm..
Well I've taken psychology classes and I
think positive reinforcements are the
best way to handle situations. If the kid
starts acting up, ignore her. Don't punish
or reward her.. she's going to get the
attention she's been seeking.
Reward the good she's done.
Ignore the bad.
and the green yellow red stop light thing
sounds good also. ^__^
she should start getting allowence when
she's 12-13
haha not at 5.
oh btw, I have a 5 year old sister. It's
perfectly normal for kids to act that
way.. they do it for attention and imitate
older people and things on t.v. i think
all of us were pretty mischievous when we
were younger! haha.
goood luckk<3
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Re: What? Posted: 07-17-07 15:45pm
pronetoillness
wrote:
a 5 year old getting an
allowence?
correct me if i misread please.. haha...
Well when I say allowance, I am talking
about a dollar or two. Something that she
can put in her piggy bank and save. I
wasn't talking about a real allowance.
Her chores are like bringing her plate to
the sink and putting her clotes and toys
away and making her bed. Little stuf.
|
pronetoillness
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Joined: 03 Jul 2007 Posts: 49 Location: san francisco!, california
Re: What? Posted: 07-17-07 15:56pm
*star*
wrote:
pronetoillness
wrote:
a 5 year old getting an
allowence?
correct me if i misread please.. haha...
Well when I say allowance, I am talking
about a dollar or two. Something that she
can put in her piggy bank and save. I
wasn't talking about a real allowance.
Her chores are like bringing her plate to
the sink and putting her clotes and toys
away and making her bed. Little
stuf.
i see.. hmm..
well my main concern that she might demand
more.. and then she might value money too
much? I don't 5 year olds should be
tainted with the knowledge of moneys
worth. Reward her with something else
instead of money, kids don't really care
about that stuff except for the fact that
it's shiney. Something more valuable to
them... ? toys? candy? videos? *shrugs*
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HcoBrunette06
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Posted: 07-17-07 16:39pm
i think ignoring the bad is completely
silly (sorry, don't mean to offend anyone)
but you need to teach your child that
there are consequences to their actions.
when they're older and in the real world
and they act bad their actions aren't
going to be ignored, so why teach them
that?
if you ignore every bad thing that they do
they're going to continue doing bad things
because they know they can get away with
it!
i think the allowance thing is a good
idea. even at 5 years old, give her 5
dollars at the end of the week and let her
save it or pick out her own toy at the
store, i think it's cute.
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sillyakchick
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Posted: 07-17-07 16:44pm
I give my five year old an allowance. She
can get up to a dollar a week for doing
her "chores" which consist of taking her
dishes to the sink when she is done with
them, cleaning up her toys in all rooms of
the house after dinner, and helping out
every once in a while. I think that this
is helping to teach her what money is,
that it is a finite resource, and how to
save her money for things she wants. For
example, she really wanted to buy herself
a pair of crocs. She saved until she had
10 dollars. Unfortuneately when we went
to Payless, they were out of her size and
it was back-ordered by 2 months. In a way
this was a good lesson for her, because
had she not used her money for other
things, maybe she would have been able to
get her crocks when they were still in
stock. So then she had the choice to buy
something else, or wait. She chose to
wait because she really wants a pair of
crocs.
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pronetoillness
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Jul 2007 Posts: 49 Location: san francisco!, california
Posted: 07-17-07 17:36pm
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
i think ignoring the bad is
completely silly (sorry, don't mean to
offend anyone) but you need to teach your
child that there are consequences to their
actions. when they're older and in the
real world and they act bad their actions
aren't going to be ignored, so why teach
them that?
if you ignore every bad thing that they do
they're going to continue doing bad things
because they know they can get away with
it!
i think the allowance thing is a good
idea. even at 5 years old, give her 5
dollars at the end of the week and let her
save it or pick out her own toy at the
store, i think it's
cute.
yes, punishment is usually negative
reinforcement. If you don't pay attention
to the child, that's a form of punishing.
If you keep punishing the child for what
they are doing, they might even come numb
to it. I choose positive reinforcement
over negative because there's a better
attitude towards it, and easier to
remember for the kid. It also effects
their hostility to others as well, not to
mention the fear instilled in them.
I'm talking about if your kid is having
tantrums. Of course you have to teach your
kid what they can and can not do, tell
them to stop and such. Let the kid know
that you are upset that they are doing
that CALMLY, and ignore. They will get th
message and stop misbehaving. Kids love
attention, that's why the act up.
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Tylanas
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Posted: 07-17-07 17:58pm
You can use both positive and negative
reinforcement on the same child... And
personally, punishment by "ignoring" the
issue seems silly to me as well (no
offense). If my mother had ignored the bad
behavior of me not picking up my toys,
they never would have gotten picked up. If
she'd ignored my screaming I would have
eventually stopped out of boredom, but not
because I felt I was being "punished".
Secondly, letting a child wail away
doesn't teach them that there are
inappropriate places to screech, like
stores and restaurants. Punishing the
child by removing them from the premesis
is annoying for the parent, but often the
child doesn't want to leave, they want
attention, so leaving the store punishes
them by removing the attention they were
getting. You get home and put them in the
corner for yelling in the store, so that
way "going home" is part of the
punishment. They don't get to go home from
yelling in a store and play with toys; no,
they have to go sit in a chair and be
punished for 5-10 minutes. This teaches
them that adverse behavior has bad
ramifications.
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Posted: 07-17-07 20:33pm
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
i think the allowance thing is a good
idea. even at 5 years old, give her 5
dollars at the end of the week and let her
save it or pick out her own toy at the
store, i think it's
cute.
Exactly what her "allowance" was meant
for. I don't even know if it's that much,
but regardless, she thinks it is the
coolest thing to go to the store and give
the cashier the money and she gets to take
home her toys.
I talked to my niece on the phone and she
told me about her red light/green light
and I asked her what happens when she gets
a red light and she said "I get in
biiiiggg trouble" She understands that
she will have consequences for her
negative actions.
Negative behavior should not be ignored.
I have seen plenty of kids whos parents
ignore their behavior and I just want to
ring the kids and the parents neck when
the child is acting out in public. Its
ridiculous.
I think that a negative stimulus should be
removed and ignored if causing problems
like if kids are fighting over something.
How do you expect a child to understand
what is unacceptable behavior if you don't
teach them the difference between right
and wrong?
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Re: What? Posted: 07-17-07 20:36pm
pronetoillness
wrote:
*star*
wrote:
pronetoillness
wrote:
a 5 year old getting an
allowence?
correct me if i misread please.. haha...
Well when I say allowance, I am talking
about a dollar or two. Something that she
can put in her piggy bank and save. I
wasn't talking about a real allowance.
Her chores are like bringing her plate to
the sink and putting her clothes and toys
away and making her bed. Little
stuff.
i see.. hmm..
well my main concern that she might demand
more.. and then she might value money too
much? I don't 5 year olds should be
tainted with the knowledge of moneys
worth. Reward her with something else
instead of money, kids don't really care
about that stuff except for the fact that
it's shiney. Something more valuable to
them... ? toys? candy? videos?
*shrugs*
I don't think that you are "tainting" a
child with teaching them about the value
of money. It is a fundamental subject
that everybody must learn. It is a
wonderful technique for teaching a child
how to count. I also agree with sillyak
that it teaches them the value of saving
and what it means to not always get what
you want when you want it.
|
pronetoillness
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Jul 2007 Posts: 49 Location: san francisco!, california
Re: What? Posted: 07-18-07 00:38am
*star*
wrote:
pronetoillness
wrote:
*star*
wrote:
pronetoillness
wrote:
a 5 year old getting an
allowence?
correct me if i misread please.. haha...
Well when I say allowance, I am talking
about a dollar or two. Something that she
can put in her piggy bank and save. I
wasn't talking about a real allowance.
Her chores are like bringing her plate to
the sink and putting her clothes and toys
away and making her bed. Little
stuff.
i see.. hmm..
well my main concern that she might demand
more.. and then she might value money too
much? I don't 5 year olds should be
tainted with the knowledge of moneys
worth. Reward her with something else
instead of money, kids don't really care
about that stuff except for the fact that
it's shiney. Something more valuable to
them... ? toys? candy? videos?
*shrugs*
I don't think that you are "tainting" a
child with teaching them about the value
of money. It is a fundamental subject
that everybody must learn. It is a
wonderful technique for teaching a child
how to count. I also agree with sillyak
that it teaches them the value of saving
and what it means to not always get what
you want when you want
it.
punishment: Let's see.. Well, i think that
when a child throws a tantrum in front of
you for not getting what they want. You
should ignore it. If they are acting out
in public you should pull the kid aside
and sit them down. To me, that's not
negative punishment. As long as there's no
hitting or yellin involved. Explaining
calmy, with a stern voice (and facial
expression) should do the trick. If
they're still acting up just put them in
"time out" I grew up with a family of 9
brother and sisters. I practically raised
them up myself.. Negative reinforcement
such as yelling and hitting just make the
kids more aggressive or even withdrawn. I
like to deal with kids in a more
friendlier way. They'll learn to
appreciate it in the future and have a
lighter attitude towards things.
and for the allowence.
Sure, I mean if that's what you think is
best for your niece.. then go ahead and
enjoy (=
It's just I've grown up with kids who were
brought up that way, and in the end as
they reach adolescent years, they demand
more. They even get greedier. I know a
friend whose mentality is "money hungry"
she doesn't notice it, but she is. Always
saving up her own but sucking all the
coins and llint in other people's money.
I'd like to introduce money to a kid later
on, and use toys as rewards instead.
Anyway, I think positive reinforcements
(rewards) are great for teaching kids.
Right on.
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Re: What? Posted: 07-18-07 08:48am
pronetoillness
wrote:
and for the allowence.
Sure, I mean if that's what you think is
best for your niece.. then go ahead and
enjoy (=
It's just I've grown up with kids who were
brought up that way, and in the end as
they reach adolescent years, they demand
more. They even get
greedier.
Well I am pretty sure it is not up to me
if I think it is best for my niece. She
isn't my child. That is the way my
brother and I were raise with a small
allowance that we can save up and spend on
a toy. I didn't grow up to be "money
hungry" If anything, I am stingy with my
money because I don't like to just throw
it away on needless items just because I
have the money. I learned how it is
important not to blow your money, but to
save it.If you don't teach kids the value
of money, then when they get older, they
would probably be prone to blowing any
money they have instead of seeing the
benifit of saving the money for something
more meaningful.
Anywho...
What are some other ways that you
encourage your children to behave? Like
what kind of punishment and reward systems
do you girls do with your children?
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Marfa2107
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 1552 Location: Galena, Kansas United States
Posted: 07-18-07 09:01am
i just wanted to say something about the
"ignoring" and "negative punishment"
I know a kid who was never punished for
anything he did. His parents always bailed
him out of whatever trouble he got into
and it was never his fault.
he wrecked his car, it was not his fault
and they ignored that he was disobeying
the law..
He got so many traffic violations that he
was in court and if he got one more
speeding ticket he was getitng his license
suspended for 6 months.
but because he did not know consequences
for his actions, and the night after he
went to court he was speeding (with 5
other boys in the truck with him) and a
cop saw him. Not thinking of anything but
not getting his license taken away and
knowing that his parents would bail him
out if anything happened he ran from the
cops.
This chase ended the life of my best
friend, because this boy did not
understand that he too had consequences in
life..
I will never ignore my childs behavior...
ever... because of things like this..
sorry that is just my personal
experience... but i know it happens
everyday
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sillyakchick
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Posted: 07-18-07 10:12am
Obviously you can't ignore some behavior.
You have to pick your battles. Some
things are best left ignored if they are
attention seeking behavior. If you don't
pay attention to it, the child will learn
that is not an effective way to get your
attention.
For example: Let's say your kid is in the
back seat of the car kicking your seat to
get your attention. You can say "Gee, if
you want my attention, then you need to
use words to let me know what you are
needing. If you kick my seat, I will not
respond to you". And then, don't respond
to it. You will have to grit your teeth a
bit here, because it will drive you nuts.
Eventually the child will notice that they
don't get any attention for this.
Obviously, you can't ignore a child
running into the street. That has to be
met with different consequences becuase it
is not attention-seeking behavior. It is
dangerous.
We need to remember that discipline and
punishment are not the same thing.
Discipline refers to the manner in which
we raise our children and the structure we
set for them. These are the guidelines
for behavior. What I have found is that
natural consequences are very effective in
altering behavior, as well as stating
expectations. Children function best when
the consequences for their actions are
predictable and consistent.
For example: If i tell my child to pick
up her toys in the yard so that I can mow
after lunch and she does not do it, then
barbie dolls get their heads mowed over by
the lawn mower. "Look, I see that your
toys did not get picked up, and as a
result, they were ruined by the lawn
mower. I am so sorry that happened".
Another Example: We are going to the
store, and while we are there I expect you
to sit in the cart and behave yourself.
That means no yelling, and no telling me
"I want, I want". If you can remember
this, then we will go to the park
afterward" The child knows what is
expected.
My biggest problem is caving in to tears.
I hate it when y children cry, but I
really have to remember to stick to my
guns, or discipline is ineffective.
This is what works for me.
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Marfa2107
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 1552 Location: Galena, Kansas United States
Posted: 07-18-07 10:14am
very well said and great point of view...
thank you so much..
and i totally agree with you.
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Posted: 07-18-07 10:31am
sillyakchick
wrote:
For example: If i tell my child to pick
up her toys in the yard so that I can mow
after lunch and she does not do it, then
barbie dolls get their heads mowed over by
the lawn mower. "Look, I see that your
toys did not get picked up, and as a
result, they were ruined by the lawn
mower. I am so sorry that happened".
That was very well put. Thanks,
I just wanted to say that my mom used to
do this with us. All she had to do was go
towards the garage to get that lawn mower
and we were running out the door to pick
up our toys.
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Tylanas
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Posted: 07-18-07 11:59am
Thank you Sillyachick! That is exactly
what I was trying to get at.
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tigresacanela24
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Joined: 11 Nov 2005 Posts: 5261 Location: Treat your children well, eventually they'll choose your nursing home.
Re: What? Posted: 07-18-07 12:09pm
*star*
wrote:
pronetoillness
wrote:
*star*
wrote:
pronetoillness
wrote:
a 5 year old getting an
allowence?
correct me if i misread please.. haha...
Well when I say allowance, I am talking
about a dollar or two. Something that she
can put in her piggy bank and save. I
wasn't talking about a real allowance.
Her chores are like bringing her plate to
the sink and putting her clothes and toys
away and making her bed. Little
stuff.
i see.. hmm..
well my main concern that she might demand
more.. and then she might value money too
much? I don't 5 year olds should be
tainted with the knowledge of moneys
worth. Reward her with something else
instead of money, kids don't really care
about that stuff except for the fact that
it's shiney. Something more valuable to
them... ? toys? candy? videos?
*shrugs*
I don't think that you are "tainting" a
child with teaching them about the value
of money. It is a fundamental subject
that everybody must learn. It is a
wonderful technique for teaching a child
how to count. I also agree with sillyak
that it teaches them the value of saving
and what it means to not always get what
you want when you want
it.
I'm kind of on the fence about the
allowance issue. I think that an
allowance is a good tool for instilling a
good work ethic and financial
responsibility in children. But I also
think that as they get older it creates a
"mercenary" (for lack of a better word)
mindset. I think the majority of children
with allowances grow up expecting to be
paid for everything that they do. I think
I would also have some chores that I
expected to be done without payment in
addition to the paying ones to teach
personal and familial responsibility.
To the original issue of discipline, I'll
just say I was raised the old fashioned
way and I turned out to be a law-abiding,
responsible, productive citizen. And if
it was good enough for me then it's good
enough for my son.
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kaerbear
Most Diplomatic Poster
Joined: 10 Apr 2007 Posts: 1557 Location: ,
Posted: 07-18-07 12:11pm
yeah i agree too. i'm thinking that's
what she (pronetoillness) meant was that
you shouldn't give attention to the
negative behavior by reacting to it. like
they do on supernanny (lol, i love that
show) she tells parents to deal with it
but don't react to it. like you give them
a warning, tell them why they are getting
a time out or whatever, then don't talk to
them again until they have stopped the
behaviour and apologized. then, on the
flipside, you make sure to reinforce the
positive behaviours with praise and
rewards. you also have to take into
consideration what the children are
capable of, like whether they really have
the attention span to sit in a cart for 40
minutes while you shop without some kind
of distraction or involvement along the
way. like, bring them toys and books or
get them to help with the shopping. just
an example. i think sillyakchick put it
very well.
and the allowance thing. i think if it
becomes something you use to bribe your
kids into good behaviour, you're gonna end
up regretting it because they will demand
more and more. i think it should be a
separate thing from the reward and
punishment system. i will probably leave
a lot of that up to my fiancee because he
is so responsible with money and i am a
little bit less so, although i am learning
a lot from him. i was never given an
allowance and never encouraged to get a
job until i was over 18 so i learned about
money the hard way, on my own. i believe
there is value in teaching kids about
money but it doesn't necessarily have to
start when they are 5. i think it's a
personal choice. i might wait until they
are a little older, but then again it's a
good way to teach them some math as well.
|
pronetoillness
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Jul 2007 Posts: 49 Location: san francisco!, california
Posted: 07-18-07 12:20pm
kaerbear
wrote:
yeah i agree too. i'm
thinking that's what she (pronetoillness)
meant was that you shouldn't give
attention to the negative behavior by
reacting to it. like they do on
supernanny (lol, i love that show) she
tells parents to deal with it but don't
react to it. like you give them a
warning, tell them why they are getting a
time out or whatever, then don't talk to
them again until they have stopped the
behaviour and apologized. then, on the
flipside, you make sure to reinforce the
positive behaviours with praise and
rewards. you also have to take into
consideration what the children are
capable of, like whether they really have
the attention span to sit in a cart for 40
minutes while you shop without some kind
of distraction or involvement along the
way. like, bring them toys and books or
get them to help with the shopping. just
an example. i think sillyakchick put it
very well.
and the allowance thing. i think if it
becomes something you use to bribe your
kids into good behaviour, you're gonna end
up regretting it because they will demand
more and more. i think it should be a
separate thing from the reward and
punishment system. i will probably leave
a lot of that up to my fiancee because he
is so responsible with money and i am a
little bit less so, although i am learning
a lot from him. i was never given an
allowance and never encouraged to get a
job until i was over 18 so i learned about
money the hard way, on my own. i believe
there is value in teaching kids about
money but it doesn't necessarily have to
start when they are 5. i think it's a
personal choice. i might wait until they
are a little older, but then again it's a
good way to teach them some math as
well.
