I. I stare at my books and certain ones
look very compelling. They speak out to
me, they are "mine", they attract me.
Other ones look very negative, I have to
reject them. I hate them, they are evil.
So I'm collecting my "positive" books by
my pillow. They are mostly historical
books. Does it mean anything? Or is it a
trap, like the many other times that I
thought an answer was forthcoming? Should
I study history? Read historical books? Is
it the meaning of my life? Does it lead to
anything?
II. There's something under my chin. It is
a muscle tension. It is very evil. It
obstructs my thoughts. When it appears, I
hate it so much! I can't stand it! It
should open up, go away. Sometimes it
opens up half way. Then I can think.
Thoughts come rushing to my mind, I can
make notes and think complex thoughts. It
feels great!
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HappyHappy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 41
Posted: 07-21-07 12:49pm
In order to study history you would have
to start at the beginning wouldn't you,
and as far as I know no history book does
that.
All paths lead to the grave.
What is the meaning of meaning again?
Your second matter sounds quite painful,
dear god I hope that shhiite goes away,
you don't need that.
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Philo
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 331 Location: Montreal
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 07-24-07 19:40pm
Of course I agree, I would be studying
available "histories", not HISTORY as
such. The second matter IS painful, but
there are bigger ones. I have so much evil
in me! There's a lot of hate, loathing,
and aggression, I can't live with it. At
the same time I feel totally condemned,
like I'm going to hell or some other bad
place. There are thoughts telling me "You
devil". I tried Christianity, and it only
made it worse, and Buddhism, which is
confusing and difficult, it lead me
nowhere. My head is swimming and sometimes
I can hardly walk my head is so full of
thoughts. My body is weak and invaded by
evil.
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HappyHappy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 41
Holy Crap! Posted: 07-25-07 11:14am
Let us just stop calling those books
history for starters, no actually, let's
just make up a word for what we are
talking about, thats how all language
began anyway. How about aeplamos? Is
that okay, alright then.
You aren't living, you are dying, we all
are.
You are already in a bad place, don't you
feel good that one day you will be gone
from it?
But yeah, this pretty much sucks. And I
am sorry. I am part of it sucking though.
Im sorry.
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Philo
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2007 Posts: 331 Location: Montreal
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 07-26-07 09:21am
I don't think it ends with death. If
meanings arise in life, they don't just
die with the body. They go on living. This
is why suicide is not an option. I think
our rational mind dies, but the deep
intuitive and "irrational" portion is not
dependent upon the body. That's why the
sickness might continue after death - it
has to do with the "deep" portion of the
mind.
