i'm a 20 y/o virgin in college who has
never had a girlfriend, or been on a date,
or kissed a girl, or got anywhere close to
a girl.
i can't talk to a girl at a party or at a
bar because 1) i feel like everyone is
watching me and judging me, and 2) a feel
competition from every other guy around
me. "why would she choose me over anyone
else here?" that kinda thing.
if i see a pretty girl in a public place
alone(which is almost never) i 1)pysche
myself out of it or 2) start having a
panic attack. negative things just keep
running through my mind.
any time that i've actually somehow gotten
a chance to talk to a girl i like, i'm
panicking the whole time. I try and keep
coming up with interesting things to talk
about, but after 5-10 minutes I just can't
think of anything. which leads to her
leaving/talking to somebody else.
my friends say i have a fun/funny
personality, my friends girlfriends have
told me i'm good looking and should have
somebody/"will find the right girl
someday"
all of this has led me to a severe
depression that i heavily surpress,
causing me to hate myself/hate my
life/want to end it all. but i won't
actually end it all cause i'm a vagina!
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ownagesbot
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Aug 2007 Posts: 6
Posted: 08-03-07 17:41pm
Ok firstly im only 15 and ive not had much
more experience than you. But heres 1 way.
Get to know a couple of girls as friends,
just cool friends, don't talk to them
thinking "oo I wana pull her" just talk to
them cool, as you would normally (its nice
if your with a friend and your jus chattin
on and on whilst havin a pint or two)
then, get the MSN address (or w/e, maybe
not by askin it, but askin a friend if
they know it or w/e), maybe their mobiile
numbers, and text them, stay as a friend
etc. etc., that way you start to get
loadsa friends that are girls etc. Then if
you decide you like one, you can start
flirtin a bit by text etc. then start
flirtin a little in person, and see how it
progresses? Kinda get my drift? But don't
get to attached to 1 girl. It hurts. End
of.
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entices1
Supporter
Joined: 25 Apr 2007 Posts: 120 Location: North Florida, USA
Posted: 08-04-07 18:55pm
For one so young, ownagesbot, you offer
some very sage advice.
Here's my take:
I'm old enough to be your mom (I'm 50) so
maybe I can give you my perspective from
the "other side of the bridge".
So you've never had a romantic
relationship with a woman by age 20.
Don't know if you're lucky (you haven't
had a breakup yet) or you're unlucky (you
haven't had a breakup yet).
When I was in secondary school I was "one
of the boys"--just about all my friends
were male and my interests were more
male-oriented (I didn't like to dress up
and play those stupid mind games girls
seemed to enjoy). That ended up being a
double-edged sword. I really liked a
couple of them but, according to the
unwritten rules, I couldn't declare my
feelings for them and I had to be their
shoulder to cry on. What a killer,
especially when I was mad for a couple of
them and had to listen to their girlfriend
stories. I absolutely died inside.
I didn't start seeing someone until I was
in uni, my second year. My first "True
Love" and my first tremendous heartbreak
(and valuable lessons learned).
What are you looking for in a
relationship? *Any* kind of relationship
has to have a basis of friendship,
otherwise everything stops dead. Are you
going after all the lookers? The ones in
the "first row"? It's entirely possible
that there is someone up a few rows that's
just dying for you to catch her eye.
She's probably in the same boat you're in
but can't bring herself to get up the
nerve to talk to you.
Since you're still in uni, is there an
organization or a club that interests you
that you might join? Maybe you're in
class and can organize a study group that
will include both men and women. At least
you'll have something in common with them
(either the organization or the study
group).
I know what you mean by panic attacks--I
still get them when I see someone who
turns my head (I'm married and would never
act on these). I usually end up saying
the first thing that comes into my
head--why does that always end up being
something realllllly dumb?
It sounds like you have a self-defeating
sense of self (I'm not a mental health
professional!). It's easier to tell
yourself that you'll just blow it if you
walk up to a girl and when it does you
have this sense of satisfaction that you
were right--you are a failure with women.
It's a great way of avoiding risk and
getting your heart broken.
Why psych yourself out? Do you have low
self-esteem? I know I do, have had it all
my life. But why? You're obviously smart
to be in uni and are very caring, and your
friends think you have a great
personality. Isn't it odd the way we see
ourselves and the way others see us?
(Sorry for the rambling)
You have the power to change your
life--you need to break out of this chasm
that you've lowered yourself into. But
how? The walls are so slick and so high!
My friend, you have to make yourself take
the first step. Perhaps talking to a
mental health professional might assist
you in the anxiety/panic attack
department. Maybe an antianxiety med
could help you get out of the deep and
allow you to focus on things you like
about yourself. You have to like yourself
first before you can like other people.
Don't know what else to say, but do keep
posting and good luck.
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JKroeg
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 3
hey i wrote this Posted: 08-03-08 21:40pm
i completely forgot i wrote this thing a
year ago. i just stumbled upon it.
my life still sucks by the way. I've
finally worked up the courage to ask out a
few girls, but the same thing happens
everytime. We make a set time when/where
we'll go out and when the time comes they
a) dont return my calls or b) make up some
half-assed ecsuse.
life sucks balls.
i still wish i was dead.
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Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 429 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 106
Thanked:129
Posted: 08-06-08 15:26pm
JKroeg, having a problem like this is very
similar to having to go to the ‘little
boy’s room’. People can give you great
advice: ‘second door to the left, lift
the lid, release, shake twice (any more
than that is considered playing) and mind
the zipper on the way up’. But nobody
can actually do something about the
problem but you. YOU need to build your
self esteem in order to get the confidence
to ask a girl out, and not get demotivated
when a girl is not interested.
If it involves something cheesy like
stumbling to the mirror first thing in the
morning unshaven with dragon breath and
saying: ‘Hi, Gorgeous! Let me give you a
great big hug’ – do it! If it involves
going to the gym and getting your body in
shape to boost your self confidence – do
it. Whatever it takes – do it.
Why not ask one of your friends’
girlfriends to get one of their single
friends to go out with you (in a group) so
you can get to know her better without the
pressure of having to keep the
conversation going?
