Broken Hearted Forum - Stuck In a Messed Up Relationship

In the interest of disclosure I am a 50-year-old woman who has been through something like this awhile ago. I can give you the benefit of my experience and some advice, but the advice is worth exactly what you paid for it (IOW, nothing).

OK, let's go back to your message.

1. You're 19 and he's 29. You've graduated high school and are either in post-secondary education or working. He's been out of school for awhile, been in the working world and had experiences that you have yet to go through.

2. When I was your age (don't you just hate that phrase?), I had been pretty much against relationships. In high school I was "one of the guys" since my interests were more "guy-like" and they accepted me more than the silly girls did (I did have some close girl friends who accepted me for who I was). Being one of the guys had its plusses and minuses. The biggest minus was that they'd never consider me as a possibility for a date and they cried on my shoulder when their relationships were going south. Talk about a dagger to the heart!

3. Then I went to college and thought this guy in one my classes was kind of cute and very smart. It was hard to get the courage up to have him come over and help me (we were going to a commuter campus) but I did. Nothing came out of it. In sophomore year we were in another class and he had opened up more. Very friendly, still very nice, still made me melt--and a friend of mine stole him away. He had ambitions to go to med school and she wanted to ride his coat-tails to the big bucks. When he decided not to go (several years later) she dropped him cold. He found someone infinitely better and married her.

4. Long-distance relationships are very tricky. My best friend told her cousin I was coming for a visit (this was 1,000-plus trip to Sarasota, Florida) and he offered his hospitality. I was there for a week and something clicked somehow. Except for the time he was at work we were inseperable. I cried when I left him and decided that one way or another we would see each other again. We spent the summer writing and calling. I realized that the only way we could really give this thing a chance was to get together so I moved there. The first couple of months were sheer heaven. Then reality set in--the differences began to manifest themselves and whilst I tried to be open to him he would not be open to me. We ended up breaking up about five months after I got down there. Actually, I wasn't heartbroken--I had cried for so long towards the end that I went on a six-week high, like a tremendous weight had been removed from me.

5. Early in your message he seemed to be honest about his feelings towards you. The relationship wasn't "equal". I know how much that hurt you but at least he initially wasn't telling you one thing and doing another.

6. Then, somewhere in this six-month period he asks you to marry him. Men aren't usually that subtle. Some set of circumstances caused these words to be said. Normally they're agonized over for some time because it is a big step for both.

7. At some time in his past he had this other relationship and it appears that he's either not over it or they're friends. Either way you feel threatened and afraid of losing him. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make you stay with him. If he wants to stay, he will. But it has to be all or nothing. He can't come running back to you every time he and this other woman have some kind of disagreement.

All that being said, and in answer to your questions:

1. Based on what you've written it appears he's not over her and may not be for awhile, if ever. You have to accept it. You don't have to LIKE it, you have to accept it.

2. The only reason one would want to be in this relationship would be if one enjoyed being a doormat or was a masochist. Surely you have *some* pride somewhete. It may be beaten down inside you but it is there.

So, what to do?

1. Move out, stay as far away from him as possible. Avoid mutual friends who may not mean to hurt you by giving you the lowdown on him but end up still hurting you.

2. Eriase his cell phone number from your phone, erase his address. Get an unlisted, unpublished telephone number so he can't reach you.

3. Mourn the loss as long as you need to. Keep a journal (I did when my first "True Love" and I broke up after four years of being together) and pour out your heart.

4. If you have any trusted friends, now is the time to call in your chits and have them become your support group.

5. One day you'll have to decide that you need to get on the path to wellness. How? Force yourself to be around people, even it's only a trip to the library or doing a mall crawl. Just to be around others and not be so lonely by yourself.

6. Give yourself a few short-term goals to meet. Nothing earth-shaking, jsut little thihngs like, I want to call him but I won't. Find something else to do. Once you can cut that string you're making good progress on your journey to wellness.

7. See how you can get back into post secondary education--scholarships, grants? You're prolly an independent minor and may be eligible for some kind of financial assistance.

8. Ever been interested in doing something but decided against it? Now's the time to explore the world around you. Join organizations, meet new people with whom you can develop common interests. Do volunteer work--you never know where that can lead to (an aside: I volunteered to work at a radio station for the blind and handicapped where I grew up. The best, the BEST job I ever had. The program director wrote a book about radio in our area and asked for a photo of me. When the book was published a copy was put into the Library of Congress. I saw the book and my picture. My one "claim to fame" is being in the library of Congress. It may not mean much to anyone but it does to me.

9. You are on the cusp of adulthood and have so far to go. So many new people to make, so many new experiences to have. You're kind of "unformed" and can make your own choices. And learn from your mistakes. Yes, you feel abandonded (sometime a bad relationship is better than none--I've been in that situation more than once) but somehow you have to take that situation and make it work in your favor.

I have a male friend we've been friends for 27-28 years (I met him at my first job). We were close (not that close as he was married) and have kept in touch all these years. He discovered IM earlier this year and for awhile we were on several times a week catching up. Then a few weeks later he had some kind of mental crisis and decided to finally seek help.

Since then he has clammed up. He says it's nothing personal but all I could feel was hurt and terrible disappointment. We couldn't share confidences anymore (his rules). I was shaken to my core and for the first six weeks I cried every day when I was alone. What made it worse is that I couldn't talk to anyone about this, whilst he was finally seeing a therapist. I felt so alone, full of self-hatred and self-loathing. No thoughts of suicide though. That would be too easy and I knew I'd be doing the wrong thing.

I got tired of crying so much and waiting on the Net for him to come on-line to talk about nothing. I started exercising and set some goals for myself that don't necessarily involve him. I did promise I would be thee if ever he needed me and would support him every step of the way (except I don't know what steps they are--he won't talk about them). I also post to this forum hoping that the reader can get some kind of comfort from these words.

Making the first steps are always the most difficult but you cn do it. You'll fall back a few times but learn from your mistakes. Over time (and I can't tell you how long) you'll feel better. It will be such a gradual change--that's where keeping the journal/diary helps. You can followi things over time.

If you need to talk please feel free to PM me. I've been there more than once and am willing to lend an ear. I'm not a mental health professional but maybe I can offer you some practical advice.

Good luck and keep posting.