Need to Know What to Do... Pls Help Posted: 08-07-07 10:09am
I started dating the guy I am with (let's
call him Sam) about a year and 1/2 ago.
Against my better judgement we moved in
together. He has been pretty straight
forward from the beginning. He was fresh
from a bad relationship and he wasn't sure
where he was headed in life.
He is basically a good, responsible
person. However, he seems self-centered
on most occassions. Well, since we have
been together a while I assumed (not good
to assume) that he had at least some idea
that he wanted to be with me. I noticed
that he picks on me quite a bit about
clothes, hair, make-up, etc..... It is
like he doesn't like himself so, put me
down.
Well, now the topper - by accident he
advised me he had seen one of our friends
on a "dating site". He looked like the
"cat that ate the canary" because he knew
what my response would be.... "why were
you on a dating site?". I told him he is
a grown man and is free to do what he
wants but, a "dating site"? I mean he
isn't exactly shopping for clothes or home
products here. I just wanted one answer
to the question "Why"? He said he was
"just looking" and it "doesn't mean
anything". To me - it means there is a
problem and that he is not happy where he
is at. I don't want to be blind-sided and
one day he just up and leaves. I think I
deserve a little honesty here. He is
living in my house so, I can't just leave.
I spent the night laying on the bed
crying because I felt so powerless and
confused.
My head is going in many directions. Did
I overreact? Do I ask him to leave? Is
this an indication of times to come? Do I
keep pushing for answers?
He told me he was "sorry" and that he just
wanted to "let it go now".
Am I right to think - "there is a problem
here"? It is not like he broke my
favorite dish or something. To me - this
isn't something you just sweep under the
rug.
I tend to be a bit dramatic..... so, I
need help here. Am I going overboard?
HELP Please!
P.S. He didn't sign up for a profile - but
his screen name was to the effect of:
"sam39andlookin4u"..................
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Marfa2107
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 1552 Location: Galena, Kansas United States
Posted: 08-07-07 10:14am
i don't know if this will help you or not
and i don't know "Sam"'s personality
but i am in a serious relationship and i
look on dating sites
just cuz it passes time, and it's actually
kinda funny to look at
my mom and i do it (my mom has been
married for 22yrs.)
unless he has a history of cheating i
don't think I would get that worked up
about it...
but i don't know him like you do
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maria_needs_advice
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Ohio
Posted: 08-07-07 10:21am
Yes, it does help..... it eases my mind
and I appreciate it... Thanks
I was just concerned because - he still
seems he doesn't know what he wants in a
relationship.
I don't want to waste another 2 years -
can't relationships just be easy...
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Marfa2107
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 1552 Location: Galena, Kansas United States
Posted: 08-07-07 10:25am
no relationship is easy for a woman
we always get our emotions involved
(including one night stands....lol)
ask him what he wants out of you all's
relationship..
try communicating with him
letting him know what you want (maybe if
you open up it'll ease his nerves)
just guessing
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sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2689
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-07-07 10:29am
Maybe you could just ask him if he is
happy and plans to continue with your
relationship, or if he really wants to
look for other people. Honesty, in my
opinion is the best policy. By asking
him, you give him the option of telling
you the truth. It may be sacrey, but I
would guess you would rather be sad about
it now versus later. I hope things work
out for you!
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maria_needs_advice
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Ohio
Posted: 08-07-07 10:56am
Yep, I think the truth is people are
scared (me included) to ask for honesty
because they are afraid they can't handle
the response.
I basically told him - "the cat is out of
the bag now, time to fess up". I hoped it
would give him the chance to tell me if he
is unhappy and that we have no future.
The only thing I kept getting was "I am
sorry" and "I was just looking".
I guess I am being selfish but, I don't
want to waste more time on this guy. To
me he is being unfair because he is living
in my house and if he doesn't feel the
same about me - doesn't that make him out
to be a "user"?
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Marfa2107
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 1552 Location: Galena, Kansas United States
Posted: 08-07-07 10:58am
do you know for a fact taht he doesn't
feel the same about you as you do for
him???...
if you feel this way, and you don't want
to waste anymore time on him
move on i guess?
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maria_needs_advice
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Ohio
Posted: 08-07-07 11:24am
Well, being totally honest here - I don't
know that he doesn't feel that way about
me. I do know that he (like me) has a hard
time expressing himself because of being
hurt in his past relationship. I think he
is scared too.
It is like he goes through phases
though... One minute he is saying - "we
will probably get married in the future"
and the next he is on dating sites...
UGH!
I really appreciate the advice...... I
guess I will just ask him point blank -
how do you feel about me? I will let him
know it is important for me to know. If
he avoids the issue or acts like he
doesn't know then I am going to have to
start looking at my options.
Thanks All! I really appreciate it....
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Marfa2107
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 1552 Location: Galena, Kansas United States
Posted: 08-07-07 11:25am
you're welcome hun...
i suggest putting your feelings out there
too...
kinda opening things up
let him know you're not going to condone
him for expressing his feelings...
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sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2689
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-07-07 14:40pm
You are welcome. I hope that the
conversation goes well and you get the
answers you need.
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Fairy*Godmother
Supporter
Joined: 11 Oct 2003 Posts: 1340 Location: , Georgia USA
Thanks: 39
Thanked:41
Oh.............. Posted: 08-07-07 15:01pm
Yep, its time to tell this man to doo doo
or get of the pot. I totally understand
where you are coming from. Life is way too
short to waste on some man who can't make
up his mind. Girl, I bet I wasted 20
years! You need to make this guy sit down
and tell you his honest gut feelings and
what he sees for the future. This ,"I've
been hurt, so I can't show you my
feelings" BS is just that B.S. You are not
responsible for his past bad relationship.
He should be treating you with respect and
show you he does care. This looking for
dating service, I'm sorry, I know folks
out htere will look for entertainment
purposes, but this guy is looking just to
see what else is out
there...............If he were truely
happy, he would be looking for house plans
or romantic wedding locations. You've
been together a year and a half. He's
already been cutting you down and
criticizing....do you think if he honestly
loved you. he'd find faults
openly??????Just want you to see this as I
have...............
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Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 3770 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 85
Thanked:11
Posted: 08-07-07 18:17pm
I would never put my bf through what yours
had done to you...because I care about
him.
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childofgod777
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Aug 2007 Posts: 35 Location: Indianapolis
Posted: 08-29-07 23:37pm
Don't ask him to leave. TELL HIM. Are you
serious? Is there a problem? Of course
there's a problem. Him. He's living in
your house and he's on line looking for a
date? Doesn't that tell you something
about his character and integrity? It
tells me he has none. That's probably why
he lost his last relationship. His name
sam39looking4u pretty much says it all
for me. He is using your place to crash
in until his next relationship. Dump him,
before he dumps you, and leaves you not
only with a broken heart, but regrets that
you didn't even have enough self respect
to end it first.
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