Self Injury Forum - Why Do You Cut?


Why Do You Cut?

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want2beamommy

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Joined: 21 Dec 2007
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Why I Use to Cut Posted: 12-21-07 18:13pm


i usually cut myself becouse there was something going on, that i couldnt control and i hurt so bad, that i just felt numb.. and by cutting myself, i could actually feel the pain.. and it was like the pain from the cuts took away from the pain of whatever was going on.. i never did it to try and kill myself.. idk its like when i did it, i was in control of the pain.. but sometimes i really wished i wouldnt have done it, cuz if i was tryin to forget the pain i was going threw, the cuts or scars would always remind me of it..

xxRelapse

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Posted: 12-23-07 13:56pm


There were a lot of reasons that I used to hurt myself, now that I think back a few years. I was really over-weight, and depressed. Kids were unbelievably cruel to me, and there was no way out of it. My parents were completely oblivious to me, until the school guidance counselor called them and dragged them down to the school. I hated this, naturally, but- it was the best for me, now that I'm older, and more aware of how dangerous it is. I started when I was 12, with just punching walls and everything, but, after a bunch of broken knuckles, and my wrists a few times, I decided that it was too 'unattractive' to just be all bruised and bloody all the time. That's when the burning started. I would take a lighter, and heat up a safety pin, or needle, or anything in the beginning, and I would just leave it there on my thigh/shin, and just relish the pain. When I got 'used' to the pain, I decided it wasn't enough just using a pin. Then came the open flames. When people started questioning me about it, I stopped altogether for a little while, to let the burns heal. Started cutting when I was almost 13. I guess I just needed something to relieve everything that had been building up for years. And, to tell you the truth, it was AMAZING. There wasn't a care in the world except being caught. I didn't express myself at all, ever, at that point, and for years and years things would just build up and I just needed something to relieve all of it. The physical pain just kind of took away the mental pain. After the guidance counselor caught me, I went to therapy for about 5 or 6 months. It didn't help much, but when I as on my medication, I think it was xanex and prosac, I was just the happiest person on earth. They made me tired, and weak, and I stopped taking them after a while. Now, I'm 14, turning 15 very soon, and sure, I still cut every once in a while, when things get way, way to overwhelming; but I'm not really that depressed anymore, I don't really know why. I just have so much more self-esteem since this all happened. Looking back and seeing all the scars, it just reminds me of how stupid, and foolish I was. I came right to the brink of suicide and back in a few short years. It's pathetic. But, I love it. It taught me SO much.

narpati

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Posted: 12-29-07 01:40am


I had not cutted my arms or anything. But When I feel lonely and when I an under some pressure I sometimes feel like cutting. But one day my friend makes me understand that cutting is not a solution face the problem courageously and from that day I have never thought of cutting anything.

anthony361

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Joined: 30 Dec 2007
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Posted: 12-30-07 14:29pm


well first let me tell you this, im not your typical emo kid, i used to be a gangsta/ drug dealing rapper Ive just started cutting this year, and The reason i cut is being the problems that have been building up pver the year 1 me and my gf of 5 years broke up she took the kids she wont let me see them i lost my cars i now have to leave 2 hours before work to get there and the girl im with now , who is in fact my second baby momma calls me worthless she says i dont help her, even though i wake up at 5 am to 6 days in a row to work my god damn full time job to pay the bills i got charged with a crime i really didnt do im now on 5 years probation all my money goes to child support all my money goes to probation i feel like im trapped in a messed up life and cutting just seems to transfer the emotional pain that i feel in the inside to a more bearable skin flesh pain what can i do about this?? ive tried to get help and they want to schedule an appointment 2 months from now. i dont know what to do! i cant drink i cant smoke i cant take prescription drugs w/o a prescription in fact i cant even afford insurance to get th meds i do need,also i feel like im dead like i said i sued to be a street famous gansgta i had money girls drugs guns c we would party non stop...and now its all gone i feel like my soul has left my body alone im not me i dont know who am anymore

aquachickola

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Posted: 03-08-08 22:50pm


I used to cut for a number of reasons, but they all have the same route- to escape what i was feeling. Whether it was anger, sadness, shame, self loathing- i could cut and watch all those emotions pour down the drain. They were also a punishment- a physical manifestation of how ugly i felt (feel?) inside. It was like cutting validated those feelings ("look, i really am ugly, no one with want me with these scars and cuts") I have been "cutting sober" as i call it for 2 years. It's not easy. Infact, soemtimes i miss it so much i sleep with a razor like a sercurity blanket, just holding it. I don't do it out of pride i think- iv'e come this far, i'd be so mad at myself if i threw all that hard work away. I'm a perfectionist, so misteaks are not an option. While i'm not cutting, i'm not really doing aynthing to get rid of hte emotions that cutting helped with, so iv'e sorta become a soda bottle getting shaken up... still working on that one.

Confused18

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Posted: 04-09-08 06:28am


I cut because I'm depressed. I try to bottle in all my emotions but in the end they need to go somewhere... I either cut myself or hurt myself in any other way. The worst time that I have hurt myself other than cutting happened last year just before New Years Eve. I was incredibly drunk - my dad had been admitted to hospital for a suspected stroke and I was on holiday with my friends - the same night as my dad was admitted to hospital my boyfriend drank himself into a coma. While we waited for the ambulance I began crying - some guys on the side of the ride started mocking me and considering how drunk I was I'm surprised I managed to do this BUT I ran over to them, tried to punch them, they ran away from me, instead I punched the guys bonnet three times VERY hard. They approached me and tried to harm me but by this time I was FUMING and two of my male friends came up behind me and told them to leave... After they left in their newly dented car I punched a brick wall.. I then realised how much pain I was actually in and started bawling my eyes out. I was taken to the hospital with my boyfriend and another friend and thankfully I did not break any bones and he recovered the next day with a horrible hangover. BUT that's another story.. I cut even more than that I used to count my cuts - at one stage I remember I cut around 40times on one arm with a blade I had removed from a pencil sharpner while staying at my sisters for a while. My most common instrument however were Stanley knives.. (those knives that builders use where you can break the blunt parts off) they cut deep and thin and it felt soo good. My thighs are hideously scarred though... And I have thin scars on my arms - I never did many cuts on them because I did not want people to notice but sometimes it just felt good. I started around 5 years ago and I have breaks where I don't cut at all.. recently I cut myself, and my boyfriend found out and took my knife away from me (He has tried before because he knows what I do but I always find it and take it back from him or I go buy a new one) I know it's wrong but it's the only form of release I have, crying in my opinion just makes me want to cut even more..

kcsgirl_101

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Posted: 04-10-08 16:34pm


i basically have the same reason as this_is_me but it is my mom and my dad whevever i get upset i do bcuz the emotional pain 4 me is better than the physical pain and when the blood comes out i feel like all the emotional pain is rushing away i feel a lot better when i'm done but i know that it's not gonna make nething better but 4 the time being it feels like it.

lil_scorpio

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Posted: 04-18-08 20:15pm


I started to cut myself when I was 15. I was going through some really rough times, and had just been through some of the worst times. I remember the first time I did it. I had just gotten into a huge fight with my dad, who I used to be so close to. He hurt me really bad emotionally and had busted my lip, for whatever reason, I don't know. I was so angry! I was so hurt! At fist I wanted to do something to make him regret ever hitting me, then it just turned into trying to get all of these sick uncomfortable emotions out of me. It made more sense in my mind to feel physical pain from a bleeding cut then it did to try to wade through the pain inside of me. I still go through this sometimes. I have these horrible memories, pain, anger, all inside of me still. I try to let go of the past and the people in it, but it never really seems to go away. I haven't cut myself for a little over a year now. Believe me, the feeling is still there! There have been several times that me and my boyfriend got into an arguement and he said some really nasty hateful things and I thought to myself, "I could just cut myself right now, make it all go away. Concentrate on the physical pain and forget about my emotions." I didn't do it though. I have learned to say what I feel, not bottle it all up inside and make the urge to cut worse. I realized that it is a very seceret burden, nobody else knew when I had cut myself. My boyfriend had seen cuts near my ankles before, or noticed that I'd wear long socks when it was hot and figured out that I was covering what I had done. I felt so ashamed. There were times when, in the heat of the moment, I'd give anything for somebody to know what I was doing and make me stop, but when someone finally did notice.... I just felt horribley ashamed and worthless. I think what made me stop was the utter shame and worthlessness that I felt from my last time cutting. I was argueing with my boyfriend over something really stupid, he was bringing up things that he knew would just tear me apart, and I cut my left forearm 4 times with a box knife right in front of him. The longest cut is like 4-5 inches and is bumped up and so freaking noticable. I am so ashamed that I did that in front of him. It made him cry, and that made me feel horrible and so darn selfish. I had taken some silly comments too seriously and permentaly damaged myself. Now, I live with this reminder EVERYDAY. Those scars will always be there for the world to see, not hidden like all of the others before. I can't always hide my arm. I don't want to always hide it. Nobody has asked what the scars are from yet, like the people that I work with who clearly know that they just showed up all of a sudden. I don't know what I'd say if they did ask. I have had so many people stare, no matter where I go. I have had people at work make snide remarks about "stupid girls who cut themselves" right to my face, and all I could do was walk away or change the subject. I guess the thing that bothers me most about it is that it took nearly 10 years of me constantly cutting for ANYBODY to notice what was going on. I admit, I hid it really well, but I just don't see how my parents didn't know. Why they didn't ask why I always had a box knife, or why they didn't seem to notice that I always wore jeans (to cover my legs) even if the temp outside was over 100 degrees. I had cut myself about 8 times below my belly button when I was 15 and it had barely stopped bleeding when my parents called me into their room to talk. They were laying on the bed and I jumped in between them and layed down to talk and my shirt pulled up a bit. My dad noticed the cuts and asked what it was, I said the cat scratched me and that was it. Come on! Didn't even look like cat scratches, and besides, too many cuts. That was the first day that I wish they knew so they could make me stop. I was just too afarid to tell them. In fact, they still don't know.... I wish that I never started doing this, I wish that it would go away....

neighbours

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Posted: 05-05-08 07:32am


I cut simply as a release of emotion which is bubbling up inside and that I feel can't be released in any other way. When there's noone to talk to and nothing you can do about how you feel, it's the only way I can think of to make myself feel better.

Lilitha

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Posted: 05-08-08 13:45pm


I cut from when I was 11 or 12 years old.I don`t remember why I did cut the first time.I had a friend who once shared she cuts herself.She was older than me.I asked her why and she told me it eases the pain inside her.I guess I wanted attention and started cutting too.I had one sharp metal object in my room and used it pretty often.My mother one day saw the scars and said that if I continue she would send me to a psychiatrist.So I stopped for a few months. Then I started again because of one boy.I remember being on the beach and cutting myself with a sharp shell.Kind of funny to me right now,but then i was still a kid.Then I stopped again for a few months. Then I met new people,I made new friends and it was hard for me to keep the reputation I have built for myself among them.I started cutting,but this time with a razor.The scars got deeper,my family caught me again.My mother cried,but my father acted rather calm.I promised I won`t do it again. But then started family problems and I just couldn`t stand it.Razor,knife,scissor-anything I could find.Even one time I locked myself in the bathroom and started scraping the skin on my hand with a comb until there was blood all over my hand. I purposely didn`t hide the scars and when my parents see them I would always make up excuses.I thought that that way they won`t think i harmed myself,because I don`t hide the scars.It worked and I`m keeping it up.I don`t cut so often,but when I do I make sure it`s deep and that it hurts.

beautifulgarbage

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Posted: 05-11-08 18:58pm


I usually cut when I lose control over my emotions. It's a way for me to gain control over my body and how I feel.

Kieana lee

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Posted: 05-14-08 08:47am


over 3 1/2 years now. I started doing it just to forget. I would do it when I was stressed out or upset and it would take my mind off of things. The problem is that i Pavloved myself then every time if felt a negative emotion i would remember how good it felt when i was upset and i started doing it just because my body told me it would make me feel better.

jessicad7188

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Posted: 05-15-08 23:30pm


i used to do it, and i never figured out why. all i know is that suddenly one day i thought "this is not healthy... i should stop." so i did. not saying it would be that easy for others, but ive never really been able to figure out exactly why i did it. i would just get in the mood to do it. maybe it was a subconscious way of relieving stress, but i never thought "oh im so sad, i should cut myself." i think i just.. felt like doing it.

shoeholic

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i dont cut but i punch. Posted: 06-22-08 12:58pm


i dont cut. but i do hit myself. alot. i hit and punch myself coz i feel such a failure and when im angry with myself. i do it because i feel like by hitting and punching myself, its like im punishing myself for being so stupid. when i do that, i dont feel the pain as the pain comes afterwards. its like when u do it, u dont feel anything and when ure done, u can c the outcome. the result of me hurting myself and thats when all the emotions i keep inside all comes bubbling out and ill start crying my eyes out and i'll feel so useless. ive tried cutting. i used to take a fork and scratch my hands till it bled. but i got afraid and i dont want to leave any marks, i start hitting myself. by that, people wont know and plus its easier to lie. i still have urges. sick urges of hurting myself but im trying to control it. its hard coz at times, ill feel like im all fine and healthy, but when something happens, i quickly change and somehow fall back to hitting and punching. some say, its better for u to cry ur eyes out. but to me, crying doesnt make anything better. hitting and punching gives more satisfation..

brittany101

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Posted: 07-22-08 14:52pm


i started when i was 14...reasons why: 1) didnt know how to handle emotions 2) if i said or did something wrong i wanted to "punish" myself 3) was raped by my cousin 4) terrified of things i remembered from the rape and didnt know how to handle it...... i still cut,burn and sometimes pulled my own hair out i dont think its going to stop anytime soon... brittany