Relationships and Marriage Forum - She seems emotionally detached from me. Depression, abuse ..

meblonde01 replied on August 14th, 2007

Supporter

Re: Lots of Issues, Where to Start?

LostInWI wrote:

I have been married for almost 13 years now.

We had a family immediately when we met. My wife had two children from a previous relationship.

She left the relationship due to abuse.

We dated for about 2 years and then got married.

It has been a struggle most of the way.
Finances, time, etc. but we have made it this far.

I legally adopted both the children and then we later had another child of our own.

For about the last three years we have had some real issues come up.

We had been going to see a therapist when she had some suppressed events of her childhood come out.
She had been pushing me away for several months and I could not understand why.
It almost felt like she would not allow herself to become too emotionally involved to me or the relationship.

She finally came out and told me about some of the abuses that she had suppressed. (family related sexual abuses)
I have been trying desperately to understand and help her as much as I can.

Over the process of the last three years I do not feel that we have made any progress to become partners in life.

She seems emotionally detached from me.
I explain to her that I need her to talk to me and she replies with things like "there is nothing to talk about"
I ask her to talk about her hopes and dreams, she replies with "I don't have any"
I ask to talk about our future and she becomes silent.

I watched my parents divorce over my father being abusive toward my mother and myself.
I have talked with my mom about some of this and she suggests that I leave her, but I really don't want my children to have to grow up in a split household. And I really do love her.

There is a lot more to the environment that is related to one of our children.
One of our daughters has really been a troubled teen over those same three years. Drinking, drugs, smoking, attempted suicides, run-away etc..
Our daughter has been diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), Depression, by one doc as Bi-polar.
She has told her mother that I treat her badly multiple times, she has told mom that I do things that I haven't done. But the problem is that my wife goes with it, becomes angry with me for what my daughter tells her.

My wife is being treated for depression currently and when she takes the meds. she is a slightly different person. But she has neglected to take the meds. on several occasions and this then causes issues between her and I.

For the most part she is always on the defensive.
I could ask her what the temp was outside and it could cause a problem.
So recently I have begun refraining from talking with her altogether.

But this alone is tearing me up. I cant live like this. Her depression is literally creating a depression for me.

She started smoking. I told her how it made me feel and she has only dismissed my feelings.

I am as my name says. Lost...

I'm sorry for your pain! Have you told her you want to help her, that you love her? It sounds like she is going through somthing that maybe even she can't help. The medication she is on might be some of it.
Ask her what it is you can do to help. Ask her what it is that makes her treat you so bad. I'm not saying she is right in her action to treat you the way she is or you should just baby her. But maybe she will open up and give you a little more insight on why she is so drepessed? Ask her why she started smoking.. But do it in a nice way so she does not feel like you are in her face.. Make time to have a nice talk.. Not an agurement, but a heart to heart talk..

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LostInWI replied on August 14th, 2007

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Thanks for the reply

Actually told her I wanted to help her? Yes.
I go to her therapy sessions when she says it's ok. I ask each time.

Have I told her that I love her? Everyday, usually many times through out the day.

When I ask her what I can do to help she tells me she don't know. And I believe that she don't know. This is where i see most of the issues start.

When I ask her why she treats me like she does, her response depends on the mood she is in that day.
Some days she is sad and answers with "I don't know why"
Others she refuses to acknowledge she has treated me that way.
And then on other days she tells me she treats me that way because she is sick of me telling her what she is doing or isn't doing.

She has told me she has started smoking because it helps her with her stress, and that she likes it.

As I said, any type of talking with her is almost non-existent because she is always in a defensive posture.

It has come out in a therapy session that she feels like I am treating her like a child and that I am the parent.
And to be honest, there are many times that I feel like I am talking with a 15 year old instead of a 36 year old when we, rather i attempt to talk.

It's the way she handles things. Most times she refuses to deal with things in an effort to have them disappear. As you can imagine, they don't disappear and then there is me always trying to resolve something so it probably does seem to her that I am always in her face.

Still lost...

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meblonde01 replied on August 14th, 2007

Supporter

LostInWI wrote:

Thanks for the reply

Actually told her I wanted to help her? Yes.
I go to her therapy sessions when she says it's ok. I ask each time.

Have I told her that I love her? Everyday, usually many times through out the day.

When I ask her what I can do to help she tells me she don't know. And I believe that she don't know. This is where i see most of the issues start.

When I ask her why she treats me like she does, her response depends on the mood she is in that day.
Some days she is sad and answers with "I don't know why"
Others she refuses to acknowledge she has treated me that way.
And then on other days she tells me she treats me that way because she is sick of me telling her what she is doing or isn't doing.

She has told me she has started smoking because it helps her with her stress, and that she likes it.

As I said, any type of talking with her is almost non-existent because she is always in a defensive posture.

It has come out in a therapy session that she feels like I am treating her like a child and that I am the parent.
And to be honest, there are many times that I feel like I am talking with a 15 year old instead of a 36 year old when we, rather i attempt to talk.

It's the way she handles things. Most times she refuses to deal with things in an effort to have them disappear. As you can imagine, they don't disappear and then there is me always trying to resolve something so it probably does seem to her that I am always in her face.

Still lost...

Are there any chaces she might be interested in another man?

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LostInWI replied on August 14th, 2007

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

I don't think so, but I guess at this stage, anything is possible.

Edit:
I personally trust that she wouldn't do that to me. She likes to watch the TV show Cheaters, and she has often said things like "I could never..." and "That person should be honest and tell them instead of cheating..."

She is my wife, I love her and with that I trust her.

I am just very lost on how to continue to deal with all the stuff.
Giving up seems looks really good.

I know that nothing worth while is easy, but I am growing tired of trying and having it not progress forward.

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Rosie H replied on August 16th, 2007

Extremely EHEALTHy

I can so relate to your posts. I am very similiar to your wife and my husband has been through what you are going through. I have so many problems and I refuse to go on meds. Which I might need but I have gone to therapy and have learned to talk things out with Daniel.

As someone on the other end I too have felt like a child and like he was parenting me, but thats because I would act like a child. I hated it, but until I accepted the reality and made a concious decision to change nothing changed. Your wife needs to be snapped back into reality in order to accept her issues and move on. You have done evrything you should do, you support her and tell her you love her.

But maybe you should back off a little. Dont tell her everyday that she is not doin this or she needs to do that. These kinds of remarks and confrontations can cause more damage and result in her resenting you. I am not syaing you are doing this, this is just my personal experience.

Try one more time to be stern with her, maybe with her therapist, and tell her that you have had enough, things need to change. She needs to be at least willing to work on the relationship. Maybe she doesnt want to, maybe she doesnt love you anymore. I know thats hard to grasp but she needs to find the reasons .

Therapy is a good way to start. Just hang in there, she needs to do the work though not you .

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Georgia59 replied on August 16th, 2007

Moderator

You sound like a really supportive husband, which is so important. Dealing with family members who have depression or other mental issues is really hard because you want to do so much for them and it is so hard for them because of the illness getting in the way.

It may help you to see a therapist seperately, be able to talk to someone else who may have idea or suggestions or even just to help you cope.

If the doc she is seeing isn't helping her, ie; things aren't improving, it might be worth seeing a different doctor.

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Jude-Love replied on August 17th, 2007

Active User, Really EHEALTHy

It seems to me like her treatment isn't working and her illness is just stagnant. She needs more than therapy for her relationship, she has personal issues that she should see a psychiatrist for. Unless she fixes her insides, the relationship and family can't be fixed.

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LostInWI replied on August 20th, 2007

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Thank you everyone for the replies and insights.
This is what I needed.

I'm sure I am not perfect. I am human and I goof up so there are probably times that I press too much, or want to talk too soon for her.
I am working on that.
I am also working on the "parenting" aspect.

She had another dip in her emotions over the weekend.
By the end of Sat. she was asking me to go talk with a new doctor if she made the appointment.
Not so much for me, although I may gain something from it, but for her.

She also told me that her therapist has suggested that she see a different doctor because her therapist feels that she is not progressing quite as well as she could be.

My wife is feeling the med she is on might not be working for her.
We are working on it, and as said above, she has to do it.
But I will try and do what I can to help her.

I thank everyone that has posted. It is nice to know I am not the only one in similar situations.

Still Lost, but I think I found a compass... Very
Happy

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Georgia59 replied on August 20th, 2007

Moderator

Just don't give up! If something isn't working, try something else.

And make sure you give her the impression the you want to help her fix this problem together and you are there for her- not that something is wrong with her and you need to fix it.

Good luck!! I wish you the best.

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mrsbuzski replied on August 26th, 2007

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Roaming

I wouldn't consider myself lost if I were you, it seems to me like you are navigating pretty well!

Maybe you should essentuate on your self for awhile though.

We all make our own destiny and I'm not sure if I would want someone on my case round the clock drilling me about my feelings.

I think, I would start getting aggravated and irritable if I always felt like I had to explain my actions.

Wouldn't you, if the tables were turned?

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sillyakchick replied on August 27th, 2007

Moderator

Hello, sorry you are stuck in such a quagmire. First, It sounds like the whole family should go for some counseling together. perhaps your daughter's problems are somehow related to your wifes. That can't be ignored. Family dynamics are relally at play here and you all need time to face this together. As far as your wife goes, I can kind of relate. Sometimes when I am dealing with my own personal demons, my husband want to help "fix it" and when he offers solutions that I don't agree with he gets mad and walks away. I know that must be frustrating, but I really don't want any advice from him. I just want him to listen and say supportive things like "that must be hard" or "It's tough to go through this" or "I know you can get through this" These are the phrases that are helpful, becuase sometimes we need to heal in our own way, in our own time schideule. It is natural for you to want to "fix" her problem. but all you can do is be there. Even if my husband would say to me "I won't rush you on this, I know you will do it". Then, if she outright asks for your advice, then feel free. A lot of times we need a sympathetic ear and that's it. I hope this helps you.

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wazzywoman4ever replied on September 22nd, 2007

Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy

Dear Lost

when are you gonna give yourself permission to bail and be happy ? how many more years are you up to this? will you wait til the kids are grown and then make a new life .........can you go on this way a little longer ???how much is too much ? another ten years ? three ? you can coexsist and watch her self destruct......or let go and let god ....maybe this is as good as it gets try a trial separation ....let her taste no husband to torment....no sounding board no one in her face ........a little taste of reality if things don't change......she is taking you for granted ....or love her as much as you do and wait it out .......love her where she is how she is and cope....its your life lost ...dont you deserve to be happier??????????yet ???
good luck best wishes with your hard choices sir .
wazywoman /robin

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LostInWI replied on March 11th, 2008

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Re: Dear Lost

wazzywoman4ever wrote:

when are you gonna give yourself permission to bail and be happy ? how many more years are you up to this? will you wait til the kids are grown and then make a new life .........can you go on this way a little longer ???how much is too much ? another ten years ? three ? you can coexsist and watch her self destruct......or let go and let god ....maybe this is as good as it gets try a trial separation ....let her taste no husband to torment....no sounding board no one in her face ........a little taste of reality if things don't change......she is taking you for granted ....or love her as much as you do and wait it out .......love her where she is how she is and cope....its your life lost ...dont you deserve to be happier??????????yet ???
good luck best wishes with your hard choices sir .
wazywoman /robin

Here is an update to this situation.
I pulled the plug.
She left in Nov. 2007 at my request that she leave. I asked her to leave because in a two week period she made plans on three different occasions with me and then disappeared on me.
The final straw was a date she called me for at 4:30 pm, planned to meet at 8:30 to watch a movie together without the kids around. Spend some time together. She turned off both cell phones and was not seen or heard from until 2:30 am the next morning. She was then pissed off at me because I didn't answer the phone. "Something could of happened to me and you didn't care enough to answer the phone" is what she said.
So I asked her to leave, to give us some time apart. The following week we sat down and talked some, I told her I wanted her to come back home, she said "no" "I am not ready to"
By almost the end of Jan nothing changed with her so I filed for divorce.

I'm Done.

She is being very difficult and using the youngest as a spy / weapon right now.
I have primary custody of the youngest. But this will pass when she loses her anger and reality bites her.

As I said to her once before.
I feel sorry for her. I am through feeling sorry for myself.

FORWARD... stretch

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moonray replied on May 25th, 2008

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

emotionally detached

When someone is detached emotionally, they are usually detached in most things. I think your job right now is just to help her get well. Make appointments for her, go with her, talk to her doctor whether the medication he gives is helping. Try to reduce her stress load, by seeing things that need to be done around the house and doing what you can to help. She needs the same care you would give her if she had a physical illness. Make sure she doesn't neglect herself, that she eats healthy foods, and drinks enough water. Vitamins seem to help with stress...especially the B vitamins. Help her get going in the morning if you can, as mornings are always the worst for depressed people. If they can get up and get going (showered and dressed), and some kind of routine it helps. It is really being in tune with her ups and downs. When or what months are worse. Keep a journal for the doctor, as maybe it is weather related (S.A.D.) or bipolar. It is good if she keeps a journal also, but she may not write in it when she should. Also develop a thick skin as a depressed person obsesses and needs to find a reason for how they feel, and they will blame you for a lot of it, where it is mostly the illness. Anyway she needs you, but will push away everything she needs...this is the nature of the illness. Pretty insidious isn't it?

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LostInWI replied on May 29th, 2008

New User, Becoming EHEALTHy

Thanks for the reply moonray, you might not have seen my last post.
But after four plus years of trying to help as you suggested, I decided to quit.
I cant help anyone that dont want to be helped.
She clearly dont want to be helped in my opinion.
Now she can do it herself.
Call me a quitter, I think I gave a lot to this marriage and it never seemed to be enough.
I grew tired of that, and have nothing left to give.
I guess you could consider me "emotionally detached" now, because I am. But I see that I am, and it is by my own choice, made from a decision I fully made for my own selfish reasons.

But thanks for the help offered.

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