Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
Posted: 01-27-08 23:26pm
(Thanks for nothing Daniel. The whole
reason I came here is for advice and maybe
a bit of empathy, not condescending
attitudes. And if I'm not to use human
knowledge, exactly what kind of knowledge
do you suggest I use? Canine? Alien?
What?)
There's a story about a girl who has
fallen into a deep, empty well... and her
friends are gathered around the opening at
the top, telling her to "just climb out."
But the walls are slick and dirty and
unknown and she can't seem to get any
footing. What she really needs is
practical, real help... such as someone
lowering down a rope and pulling.
Unfortunately, some of them get mad at her
when "just climb out" doesn't work... they
don't understand that she's trying, but
she can't do it on her own. (And she's
getting very tired and she's about to quit
trying altogether.)
A few of her friends are giving her
so-called "tough love," but that doesn't
work either. This was her parents
approach growing up (her father was a cop)
and she's pretty much numb to it... in
fact, it makes her feel even more
frustrated and unloved. (Tough love
usually only works on spoiled kids, which
she certainly wasn't.) Depression is a
disease (not a decision) of which she is a
victim... and blaming her for what she's
going through only makes her feel more
like a failure and retreat even further
into her shell. What she really wants and
needs is nurturing, guidance, and
affection... even if she tends to shy away
from it initially.
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
No help... Posted: 02-12-08 14:40pm
I've been desperately trying to find a
therapist, but I'm having a lot of
difficulty finding one that takes my
insurance, is conveniently located, and
has hours available that fit my schedule.
(I guess most doctors don't care that many
depressed people also work weekdays, and
in my precarious state of employment I
simply cannot take time off right
now...*sigh*) I'm quite suprised that
this is an issue considering I live and
work in a major metropolitan area.
What the hell do I do now?
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
UP YOURS, CUPID!!! Posted: 02-12-08 14:56pm
Can somebody please make the "Let's
torture and alienate the heartbroken
single people"day - errr, I mean
VALENTINE'S Day - jewelry commercials go
away? How am I supposed to not think
about him when I'm constantly being
bombarded by reminders that he gave an
engagement ring to someone else? (btw -
turning off the TV or radio is out of the
question, my apartment is just too quiet
and lonely without it...)
Ugh... please just make it stop!!!
|
bakin_april
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 210 Location: state of confusion, usa
Posted: 02-12-08 15:11pm
Let me start off by saying I'm BP but
hardly ever have mania. I've have
literally spent years depressed, so I've
got some experience here.
Geez, I'm married and those commercials
drive me crazy because we couldn't afford
a single earring from one of those stores
let alone the heaps of diamonds they
display.
I realize you don't want to leave your TV
off, why not mute during the commercials?
Who says you have to LOOK at them while
their on and muted? Have a journal handy
and write down what's going on. Let it
out. Give yourself a break. Look at a
magazine. Do the crossword in the TV
Guide. Something. Anything. Step away.
Go to the bathroom. Go to the kitchen.
To me one of the most paralyzing things
about having a major depression is the
inability to take action. I couldn't make
a decision. I couldn't move. I could
think most of the tiime and when I did
what I thought about 24/7 was a litany of
my (mostly imagined) failures. What did
that do? It fed itself. It became a
neverending tale of dire woe and my ailing
brain accepted every word as the Gospel.
OK, that was a really long way of saying
that you need to learn to derail the
thoughts that are arising about what you
see in the commercials. One way is to
literally tell yourself to stop and then
immediately think about something
positive. MAKE yourself do it. It will
work but the important thing is that you
DO it.
You can do this!
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
Thnx Posted: 02-12-08 15:29pm
I wish it were that easy... really I do...
but how do you force yourself to NOT think
about something of great significance in
your life? Doesn't trying to not think
about it actually result in thinking about
it? By the time I change the channel or
hit mute on the TV remote, the thought has
already been generated and trying to force
it out only makes me feel obsessive (which
I am regardless) and crazy. (The thought
of him and what our failed relationship
and his sudden engagement represents is
always just beneath the surface anyway...
I somehow manage to distract myself from
it from time to time, but the moment the
distraction goes away, he's back in my
head. ugh)
Besides, what the radio station plays
while I'm at work isn't under my control,
so aside from leaving my desk or sticking
my fingers in my ears every commercial
break, I'm pretty much at its mercy.
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
Oh yeah, I finally watched "The Secret"... Posted: 02-12-08 15:53pm
...what a crock of psychobabble.
Those of us logical and analytical people
who live in the real world understand that
just thinking about getting a million
dollar check in the mail instead of bills
isn't going to make it happen. (That's
actually an analogy made in the video.
Seriously.) Oh, and when the question
of "okay, but how...???" is asked, they
pretty much address it by saying to not
worry about it... the "universe" will
figure that part out if you just keep
envisioning it.
Um... okay... right... y'all let me know
when the shuttle lands because you're
obviously stuck in outer space.
Besides, (for the sake of argument) if the
"Secret" really worked, she would
already be out of the picture and my ex
and I would back together and happily
planning OUR wedding by now... cuz I've
been fantasizing about THAT scenario all
along.
Think about it this way... it's kinda like
a sports injury... if you hurt your knee
over and over and over again, eventually
you have to stop engaging in activities
that contribute to further injury.
Well, I'm trying to do that with my heart.
I've worked and tried sooooo hard to have
a meaningful relationship, and it ALWAYS
seemed to backfire and leave me devasated
time and time again. I just can't go
through another heart break. I just
can't.
Sooner or later you've gotta get your head
out of the clouds and realize that "the
power of positive thinking" seldom
prevents reality from happening. The only
magic regarding the "Secret" video is that
all the hype is making the producers rich.
|
bakin_april
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 210 Location: state of confusion, usa
Posted: 02-12-08 16:09pm
You didn't like what I had to say before
(even though it works) (and yes stick your
fingers in your ears if that's what it
takes) you'll like this even less:
YOU have CHOICES here. This isn't all
just happening to you. You are an active
participant in it. Your anger and
inability to move off the subject are the
fuel that's keeping this thing going.
You have to ask yourself the hard
questions: Do I want to keep obsessing
over this situation? Do I have the energy
(psyhic and phsyical) to do so? DON't
worry about "why." "Why" can kill you
because it represents what you have no
control over. So you make the decision:
do you want to spend any more time on
something you can't change? Do you want
to continue to feel like crap because of
it? So far, it sounds like you're saying
"Yes."
The guy dumped you. He's a huge jerk.
He hooked up really fast. He's an even
bigger jerk.
Now he's engaged to the beast. He's the
biggest jerk out there.
BUT, that doesn't mean you should
sacrifice your life for their sake.
Neither one of them is making themselves
sick of their choices. Who knows, maybe
they're enjoying your meltdown?? So prove
them wrong and get out of the cycle you're
in.
It may be psychobabble but it works. I
see you're looking for a counselor.
Sounds like a good idea. One of the
things counselors usually do is provide
you with techniques to change your thought
patterns. You're right, the techniques a
counselor gives you won't be as elementary
as mine, but the method still works.
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
Posted: 02-12-08 17:07pm
It's not that I didn't LIKE it... it's
that I don't BELIEVE it. This whole mess
is not my choice... You remind me of the
friends "at the top of the well" in my
previous post.
|
bakin_april
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 210 Location: state of confusion, usa
Posted: 02-12-08 18:19pm
To accept a situation (it is what it is)
doesn't mean surrendering to it (it is
what it is BUT I'm going to worship at the
altar of it until I use up all my
resources and die. If not literally,
certainly psychically.)
The situation you're in is ugly, no one
disputes that. You say you can't believe
it. You can't believe it, but it is. It
happened. It's real. It isn't changing.
Once you grasp that you're half-way there.
That leaves you with personal CHOICE.
Your choices are: A) I'm going to fight
this with all my might even though the
situation isn't going to change and thus
expend all my energy, be depressed and die
bitter. OR B) This situation sucks. I
hate it. I want to change it but I know I
can't so I'm going to do what I can to
deal with it and move on.
YOU choose: deal with what you've got or
don't. Dealing with what you've got will
get you better. Not instantly, but faster
than dealing with it the way you are. The
choice YOU'VE made so far is: I am in the
middle of this situation. I hate it.
It's all their fault. I'm going to make
myself miserable because I want what I
want even though what I want isn't
happening.
I'm not saying you've chosen to be
depressed. That's a bunch of crap. I'm
saying that you have chosen to stay stuck
where you are.
It is said that depression is anger turned
inward. Turning all that anger inward
will also affect your body.
So what I'm saying is a crock of
psychobabble? Maybe. It's also probably
too Pollyanna-ish for your liking.
What it is, is true.
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
you totally missed what I was referring to... Posted: 02-12-08 19:15pm
I didn't mean I didn't believe it was
happening... I'm totally and fully aware
of every bit of the crap. Rather, my
reply was in response to your statement:
"...You didn't like what I had to say
before..."
When I said it wasn't about not liking
what you had to say, it was about not
believing what you had to say. I didn't
mean I didn't believe what's happening in
my life, I meant that I don't believe your
statements that someone can just "not
think" about a person they are in love
with.
Just like my friends, you seem to think
it's as easy as just "snapping out of it"
as if this depression/obession were a
conscious decision I'm making... I can
assure you it's not. (And if I sound
annoyed, I am... I'm sick of people
thinking this is something I can just
"will away" if I'd just set my mind to
it.) I need something a bit more
substantial than "just deal with it."
It's not about what I think, it's about
what I FEEL! Can you tell me how to stop
loving him? (And don't tell me to just
CHOOSE not to love him... that's not an
option.) Can you tell me how to not be
scared to death of relationships (and
subsequently lonely) because I just cannot
handle another failure?
Take the well scenario above and change
"Just climb out" to "just deal with it."
Even if she does attempt to emotionally
"deal" with the fact that she's stuck in
the bottom of a well, it doesn't change
the fact that she's stuck in the bottom of
a well and can't get out...
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
Nevermind... Posted: 02-12-08 19:56pm
Just forget it. You obviously don't
understand the depth of what is ailing me
and you can't help me. (I should be used
to it by now...) Thnx for trying.
|
bakin_april
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 210 Location: state of confusion, usa
Posted: 02-12-08 20:25pm
We're not on the same wavelength here . .
. I really am trying to offer you guidance
from an old "pro."
About my technique of stopping thoughts
and distraction, it does sound overly
simplistic. It can be quite effective.
I've used it successfully for years to
assist with recurring thoughts of
childhood sexual abuse.
By no means did I mean to imply that you
could "snap out of it." I've been on the
receiving end of that remark many times.
It only made me feel more helpless and
responsible for my own pain, which I
wasn't (and neither are you).
You still love him. It's easy to
understand. Do you love him and accept
he's no longer yours? Or do you love him
and plan to pine away the rest of your
life? Look, love isn't rational. In
the long run it would be boring if it was.
I still love my ex-husband and he was a
serial adulterer, alcoholic and a drug
user. Yet, I dream about him 15 years
after the divorce even though I'm married
to a prince of a guy. I wasn't going to
get married again after the first go
around, either. Then I met my husband
and it all went out the window. It was
easier to at least sometimes forget about
ex #1 because they are two completely
different individuals. In other words, #2
doesn't remind me at all of #1. Sorry, I
got off track but I want you to realize
that their is life after a catastrophic
love event.
Maybe you're looking for a complicated
formula. There are plenty out there, but
why not start with the easy stuff? If
you can, check out a local bookstore.
They're full of books and workbooks to
help you through depression. If you can't
afford that, hit the library. The
internet has lots of information, too.
NAMI and DBSA are two excellent resources.
This would give you some relief while
you're waiting to see the counselor and
you're in desperate need of relief. It
really sucks to walk around all the time
feeling like you're
dead/dying/tortured/misunderstood/ready to
explode/cursed, etc. . . . .
I really am trying to help you out. I
have nothing to gain by f-ing you over.
It would be bad for you as a person and
bad for my karma.
|
bakin_april
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 210 Location: state of confusion, usa
Posted: 02-12-08 20:45pm
You've got some b*lls implying that I
don't understand the depth of depression!
How galling! How sanctimonious!
You're the only one who's ever suffered?
You're the only one who's ever tried
suicide? You're the only one who's
destroyed lives because of their
depression? Lost jobs? Lost the family's
money? Lost EVERYTHING?
Now you've got me going because nothing
p*sses me off worse than someone thinking
they're the ultimate sufferer from
depression so no one else can possibly
understand what they're going through!
What a bunch of unmitigated BS! Each
sufferer carries their own burdens. A
little compassion for your fellow man
would be good for you about now.
Understanding that others have suffered as
badly as you, or even worse, can be
consoling because you see that they made
it through. You're given that tiny glimse
into the hope that perhaps you can, too.
I spent the last hour trying to word my
last posting so you'd see I was really
intersted in your well-being. I still am,
but until you're ready to be helped, no
matter what form of help is offered, it
won't satisfy you.
It would appear, then, that you're
currently in love with your depression.
It's an ugly, but common phenomenon. I
did it. I've seen many others do it. The
depressed individual becomes so
comfortable with the state they're in,
even if it's one of misery, they no longer
try to come out of it. Unfortunately, at
that point they start bringing others down
with them.
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
see what I mean... Posted: 02-13-08 18:09pm
Yeah, my experiences may be turning me
into a pessimist; however, you're still
WAY off base (despite your assertion,
I'm not in love with depression... I hate
it... I'm here actually seeking REAL help,
not just "the power of positive thinking"
psychobabble) and I can tell by your
statements that you don't truly understand
what's going on with ME.
So unless you can refer a doctor in my
area that takes BCBS insurance and can
work with my schedule, just forget it... I
don't need the extra guilt. Thanks
anyway.
|
bakin_april
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2008 Posts: 210 Location: state of confusion, usa
Posted: 02-13-08 19:57pm
The manner in which I said what I was
trying to convey was unfortunate.
I wish you well. You deserve better than
your current experience.
Good Luck
|
OutwardlyStable
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 22 Location: Houston, Texas
Well, I guess it's official... Posted: 03-11-08 10:12am
The wedding was a few weeks ago... I'm
absolutely crushed. I can't believe the
man of my dreams got married to someone
else. It's still not "real" and I can't
seem to get him out of my head, even
though I know there's no reason to hold on
to any shred of hope at this point.
You know, I actually take that back. It's
not my head I can't get him out of (my
head seems to know what the deal is) it's
my HEART that won't seem to heal and is
making me miserable... It's not as easy to
distract.
Anyway, I can't seem to find a therapist
or anyone to talk to who can/will really
help me (believe me, I've tried - I even
talked to my primary physician, but he
referred me to yet another doctor who
can't/won't work with my schedule), so I'm
just going back to putting on the mask I
wear in public so that everyone will think
I'm doing okay...
