a Question

Yes, it is serious but then since what you are doing will kill you why worry.

Thanks for replying but purging for me isnt something I want to do anymore, I am now addicted to it, its my escape and i'm trying so hard to stop. I havent purged in 4 days and to me thats a big thing even though I have eaten alot today I have not purged and maybe I shouldnt be but I am happy that I am for the first time in a long time able to say no. So I know that this is not the answer I know I could kill myself but it wasnt untill I saw the blood that I realised it.
All I wanted to know was should I be worried enough to tell someone thats all but I guess you just think I am stupid.
Many people with eating disorders deny the fact that the even have one, I have never done that I know it isnt right. Everyday I think about people who are actually sick from such things as cancer who didnt have a choice and I am ashamed of who I am because of that. I will always remeber that I had a choice I was just not strong enough to make the right one.
So dont think that I am some 16 year old who is messing around with life and doesnt care because I do maybe not about myself but hopefully one day I might be able to.
I like many others will spend my life paying for the damage I have done to myself now but when you are young you think that nothing will harm you, that you are invensilbe and life will be great. I know now that isnt true and maybe its too late and maybe its not, I have to life to find out.
You never stop having an eating disorder you just have to learn to be stronger than it and control it and of course you will slip up at times when life isnt so great but you get back on track and start again. This is a very scary thought that I will have this for ever but the more I think about the the I realise living with this will make me a better person it will make me stronger and it will make me want to live, so that I can say when I have lived that no matter what, I fought hard and didnt give up.
My wish for you and everyone else is simlpy to dream.

Lostoyou,

i have read many of your past posts & this last one is the first i've seen where you actually show some positive insight & the possibility that you are actually not merely seeking help & advice but acting on it, really taking your life back into your hands & doing something that might change things for the better. :d

that is wonderful & you are to be commended

so if you are doing that, what can we do to help you help yourself, we all need the help of others, we can't do it alone, & it's important that you know you are not alone :d :p we're all here with & for you, so long as you do your part we'll be there to help

now to the blood, i'm glad it scared you, we need to be scared now & then in order to realize how much we value living, if the blood continues then see a dr, but if not there's no need as it may just be that you broke one small capillary & it healed again quickly once you stopped purging. Which is not to say it wouldn't become serious if you were to start purging again, it most certainly could!!

You made a bad choice but that doesn't mean you have to keep on doing it, you can change that choice to a good one now

what started you on the purging? Did/do you think you were/are fat?
Do you like yourself? What are your dreams? What do you enjoy doing? These are all important questions to answer in order for us to help you heal yourself. After all if you want to travel & we tell you to get a job & settle down it won't help you, it would only make you sad & disappointed which would probably send you back to purging.

So please answer the questions above. Also please consider this question, who decided you had an eating disorder, you or someone else?? This is a critical question because sometimes we become what we are told we are rather than being something & then having it acknowledged or diagnosed (whether the diagnosis is official or just someone's opinion).

Also consider & tell us what foods you like to eat (not what you're told is "good" for you, what you actually enjoy).

Then we'll start togethr to help you heal. Oh & remember you will make mistakes & that's ok, also don't expect miracles "baby steps" are best, safest & most likely to succeed in the long run.

Wow I wasnt expecting you to relpy I thought I might have annoyed you but thanks. Em I used to never purge I only started a few weeks before christmas although I was trying for about a year before that.Early last year I was studying for important exams and I just stoped eating I began to eat the bare minuim to help me study and that was it. I lost 5lbs I went down to 90lbs which was fine I thought I loved being so thin. Anyway my mam brought me to the doc because I wasnt getting my period which I only get in november for the first time in a year. I put on the 5 lbs during the summer and everything was fine but I would never let myself get any heavier I have never been more that 95lbs and I never intend to go over that. Whwn I started back in school I just started to eat less and less ubtill I was eating a role a day and that ws it untill this christmas and I started purging. I lost all control of eating for some reason I need to eat untill I actally cant possibley eat anymore. Thats bacically but it was only this year that one of my teachers said to me that I was very thin and I was aneroix I then started talking to her and told her I was bulimic now I feel I have to stay that way. I have no idea why I think becuase if she sees that I have put on weight she will know I have no control and am weak.

I know I am not fat because I am at the moment about 93/94 but before chistmas iwas 85 and it was great iwas in control. I have never been bigger than 95 in my life but although I know this I hate the way I look and hate my stomach because its huge and my thight are aswell. But I know to many thats not what they see and they would think I was very thin. That not me.
Maybe I am just trying to find a meaning to my life and this is my way of controling my life. There are many possiblities to why and how but I dont really know the answer andi dont know if I want to know. I am jsut young and lost like many peole my age I juat choice to cope with it with eating nothing or somethimes eating everything.
I have very high standards for myself way too high becuase iam not very talented or even smart. I found that controling my eating was something iwas good at and at one time my friends thought iwas so cool to be sooo strong. I think my mam has something to do with it as well I not sure what it is though.You see I cant wait to go to college next year just t be free and I wont have to eat but that could be very danngerous.
I cant wait to travek and experience different cultures and meet new peolpe.
The thing I hate though is saying goodbye, we all have to move on and he we get attached that is when we hvae to leave and say goodbye.
Well I think I have answerd some of your questions, I hope this helps you.
Thanks for wanting to help

Wow,

you are as bad as me, your thought processes take you off on tangents!!
You didn't tell me what foods you like to eat?

The reason I asked how it started & who put the idea of an eating disorder in your mind was that my daughter was wrongly diagnosed last year as anorexic & almost ended up suicidal, & is still traumatised as a result & she still feels that she has to eat & eat & eat!! When in fact she was & is not nor ever has been anorexic, she has irritable bowel syndrome & when she figured this out & stopped eating the things everyone was insisting she eat (but which her body was incapable of digesting - all that happened was weight losss, illness, alot of pain & severe constipation) she gained weight (she was almost lost to us through loss of weight) & unless you're only short like her, your weight is too low!! & she started getting better & happier etc

so what foods do you like & what do you dislike? (if you are to eat it will be easire to do it if you eat things you like!! Also are there any foods that make you feel sick, cause stomache pain etc? I'm not saying that your problem is the same as my daughters I just want to rule out any other possibilities - after all not much use fixing the wrong problem is there??!!

Not getting your period is serious, you can cause yourself to become infertile, cause osteoporosis & all sorts of other aged illnesses due to lack of hormone production etc. So your weight was too low & I think it may still be. My daughter is just under 5 ft tall & weighs hmmm I think 140lbs - we're in metric & she's 150cm & 45kgs & I think it's 2.2 lbs to the kg - so I think that works & her dr says that 45 is good (no more needed) 40-43 was what they were aiming for & they hope her periods return in about 2-3 months (after not having them since feb 03). So if you're much taller than her your weight is too low if you're her height your weight is abit low.
I'm not trying to tell you what to think or anything just trying to give you a visual guide so to speak.

I find it interesting that you don't think your smart etc yet set high standards which is a sign of being smart!! You also say you will be going to college next year - what to study??

Right now though as a starter would you please :d :p
smile etc as often as you can, smiles release chemicals in our brain that make us happy which would be a good way to start helping yourself, just teach yourself to be happier.

Also answer my questions, I know i'm a pain, but i'm a mum & it's a requirement of the job!!

Your funny! I know what mams are like and I think by the sound of it you are a very good one. Your daughter is lucky.

I like most foods there isnt anything I hate really, I am a pretty healthy eater I dont eat many sweets nor junk food. I love pasta and rice and fish and vegatebles. Oh I love grapes and melons. I have a big enough appiate as well. From an early age my parents have always given myself and my sister adult portion meals so we didnt feel left out or something.

I am just 5'3 and weigh about 93lbs at the moment.

I used to be a very dedicted school worker but since this year the eating thing has kind of taking over and I dont really have the time to do my work with the eating and purging it takes up a lot of time. I could spend over an hour purging thats on top of the hour of eating. I really want to get back to working hard again and to be more focused on my work. I have very important exams next year which are going to decide what I do in life so I better get my act together.

I want to do a european studies course which involves european history, journalism, business and the study of people oh and languages. But the most interesting part about the course is that in your 3rd year you get to study abroad in the country of the language you picked. I would love to do it but I need very high markes so I dont know.

I have many dreams all of which take me on a magical journey through a life I think doesnt exist but they are my dreams and they are my happy thoughts. So I will always dream and I will always be happy.
i would love to be a writer.

Well it's after 4.30am here & I need to get to bed as i'm taking my son(9) to the movies later this morning!!

But first something I meant to say last time & forgot - you mentioned your tummy & thighs (a problem my daughter also has & hates esp. As her breasts are so small!!) - but pilates (as opposed to yoga) is apparently very good for slimming & toning at the same time & in the particular spots you want - we're going to look into it abit more, but maybe you could get a video tape from the library try this as if you felt happier about your tummy & thighs you might feel better about your body in general, & as this slims but also tones it's healthy.

You mention an hour of purging on top of an hour of eating (when on earth do you sleep or see your guy????!!!! Much less school????!!!!
Where do you hope to go to college? The course you want to do sounds really interesting, & I think you underestimate yourself - you can do it & you are very bright & capable (if you weren't you actually wouldn't be able to control your eating etc the way you have - being bright is a double edged sword!!)

you are very definitely underweight, you said your periods came back in nov - are they regular? Do you do any exercise???? Ireland at this time of year would be cool but lovely (yes i've been) so some walks would be a good idea & would get you out in the fresh air.

You also mentioned your mum & your desire to get away, are there problems there or is it that she watches you re eating etc & that this upsets you - I imagine you want to be trusted, sometimes that's what is needed, for those nearest us to trust us, but sometimes it's not the best thing - it's almost impossible to know.

Anyway, i'm off to bed before I forget what i'm doing, good night/morning do take care & answer these questions & :d :p

You seem so close with your daughter and thats s good idea about the pilates I just might try it. I run alot about 3 miles every second day and its something I really enjoy. I also go to the gym with my parents.
I dont get much sleep and with this eating thing I have become very intraverted not seeing guys isnt a problem for me.
There are no real problems with my parents but I think with my mam especially I have spent my whole life with her day in day out and its a little to much now. I have also realised that although I love my mam she wouldnt be the type of person I would like as a friend.I'm not saying dhe isnt a good friend its just her personalty wouldnt be the kind I would take to all that much.
My parents do trust me an awful lot, too much. They do know that I have purged before but I manged to convience them it was a once off and they believed me, even though my teaher told them that I was doing it and had a problem with eating. They are still thinking that I am fine. That kind of showed me they are not so tuned in as they thought they were. My parents have always been very fit, active people and going to the gym and running was somthing my mam has wanted me to do since I was a baby. Just so we could go together. When I was about 12 they told me to stop eating so much sweets becasue I was getting a health forum and so I lost weight and I stoped eating sweets. When I had lost the weight I told them with pride that I had done it and they were happy for me. In a way me ability to lose weight was something they admired as if I had gotten a 100 percent in a test.
I thought they would have learnt from this to not go about making my little sister so weight concience and although she isnt my mam told me today she wants her to start going to the gym.My sister is only 14 and I dont want them to do the same thing to make her think that fitness and body image is so important. I wont let them do that. I was 14 when I started going to the gym and thats when I began to begin to try and lose weight. I have always thought I was fat I can remeber being 7 and thinking I was fat so its nothing new to me but my sister doesnt feel that way about herself, she is actually happy with the way she looks, and she should be because she is very pretty and thin.
Trust is important to have but I have none what so ever, when it comes to my parents I trust them with nothing.
Today I didnt purge but I ate alot which we wont talk about but then I got sick with making myself do it, I think my body is so used to it now that it just happens. I also tasted blood in my mouth a few minutes after so I dont know what the hell is happening but its kind of scaring me a little. I so nearly purged today like my fingers were in my mouth but I just said its not worth it and I didnt go any futher. I was happy with that because in the whole time I have been purging I have never gone a full 4 days without going it.
Anyway I think I have answered most of your questions and have a good time at the cinema with your soon. Talk to you soon.

You should feel very proud of yourself for not purging & for ercognizing what caused all this in the beginning (parents can be a hell of a problem & we often fail to see what is in front of our noses because it's too hard & because then we feel like failures if our kids have any sort of problem!!).

Keep an eye on your sister, 14 is a vulnerable age no matter how good she feels about herself at the moment it doesn't take alot to change that & you have been there so would be the best one to talk to her & the most likely one to notice if anything starts going wrong!!

We choose our friends but not our family, like you said that doesn't make them bad, but nor does it mean that we have to want to be best friends or hang out with them all the time etc!! My impression id that maybe your parents have kept you abit close, so you haven't developed all the social skills etc & had as many experiences as you could have which might have helped you cope with life & all this a little better, but then maybe not??!!

I go back to my basic suggestions of: smiling alot, as much as possible, every time you look in the mirror (& do that alot too) & also tell yourself that you are a great person & a worthwhile one while you're at it!!

I suspect that if you were to set yourself (& given your ability for self-control you could do this!!) up a sort of regimen: organize what you're going to eat & how much each day & stick to it, do not overdo it, do not over eat or under eat & spread it out, whether in 3or 6 meals whatever suits you & your schedule. Then organize in with this your school & study routines, increase the amount of study & decrease the time eating, feeling sick & thinking of or actually purging!! This would not only keep your mind occupied in a healthy way but also help you achieve your goals of going to college - which one?? Or in which city??

In an earlier post you said if your teacher sees you've gained weight she might think you're a failure & can't control yourself - what garbage - gaing weight in your case would be showing that you can & do have control of yourself & that you can make the right decisions for life & health rather than poor health & death!! Now seriously doesn't that make sense??

Smile, study, plan your eating (amounts & times), pilates.

Chat later.

Thanks for replying. My parents have always let me do things socially actually I am few of the few people I know who are allowed do and go almost anywhere. For some reason they trust me completely.
I will watch out for my sister because I dont want her to have to go through this, so I think she will be ok.
I want to go to trinity in dublin but I would like to go to ucd or dcu as well soi really dont mind.
I will try to plan and stay focused hopefully it will help me out and above all I will smile.
Thank you for wanting to help me I really appricate it and I will keep you posted but right now I am going to the gym so i'll talk to yo later.

I went to a summer school at trinity (before you were born!!) & loved it, mind you I also loved eire.

Keep smiling try & get a pilates video because as I said it apparently helps you tone & reduce the specific areas you (each person) needs to work on. Like you for my daughter it's tummy & thighs (for me I just need an entire new body!!). But if my daughtr gets it - i'll try giving it a try.

On one hand it's great that your parents trust you but on the other hand maybe deep inside you feel abit abandoned (like they don't care because they trust you, I know it may sound abit odd, but our sub-conscious minds can work quite oddly) so you have developed this eating problem partly to try & get them to pay attention - only thing is, you're reaching an age when you don't want to lose their trust or have them stop letting you go out ewtc & in any case eating disorders can (as you know) kill you so it's not the best way to get attention!!

Go back & study & be proud of yourself for who you are & what you can achieve (you've proven you can do something if you put your mind to it) now show what you are truly capable of, in a healthy way. :d :p

My relatiomship with my parents is one whichi dont completely understand because I dont want attention from them. The are probley the two people in the whole world I would hate for themm to pay attention to me. My eating habits are not they way they would be if I didnt live with my parents. Althouhg you may not think it I do eat and the reason it because I dont want my parents to know whts going on with me. I think thats why o purged because they could never know it was so easy to hide from them. When I leave school next year and go to college I wont feel so traped like they will not be there so much. I think that is when I could get worse or better.I will be on my own in a way, I will be an adult and they cant really force me to get help or even insist I eat. I know its a terrible way to think but thats the way I feel. I would love to leave and live in my own house just to be my own person. I am a very very independant person so I cant wait untill I am old enough to make my own decisions and live my own life.

Being a mother this might be hard for you to hear or even understand, I dont even know why I want to get away so badly.
I have always had a great relationship with my parents and many times my mam has said I tell her a little to much. Now I think she regrets that because I tell her nothing now. I had a good childhood and all that, so your guess would be as good as mine.

I was wondering how come you were in the eating disorder forum, was it because of your daughter or have you got an eating disorder? What age is your daughter? She must have gone through alot with everything that happened to her, I hope she is well know.

When did you come to ireland? You said you liked it here, it is a nice place to live but I would love to see the rest of the world. You live in sydney, what is it like?
Oh one final thing I was wondering have you red any of my poems? If so what did yo think, I want an honest opinion bad or good I really dont mind.
Thanks again

Ok, your turn to ask & mine to answer questions!!

First, yes I did read some of your poems but it was a while ago so I will re-read them before I comment & I will be honest, but you'll have to give me some time to read & reply.

Second, I spent 2 weeks in eire in 1975 & another week in 1990. I have been fortunate to travel widely. My mother lost 9 children (miscarriages) & only had me so I was too precious & although we were close & very open (like you I told her too much at times) I know exactly what you mean about needing to get away & be your own person. (don't forget mums were daughters once too!!) the funny thing is my daughter & I really are more like best friends than mother & daughter (i phoned her a few minutes ago & left a message on her mobile complaining about her father!!) we do alot togethr & it's me more than her who is "cutting the apron strings" - I let her go to university things at night (i drive in & pick her up as public transport wouldn't be safe) & last week when she asked if i'd go to a play with her I suggested she see if a friend could go - mind you I wish I had gone as the oscarw inning actor geoffrey rush was there - madam wants only to be an actress & she phoned me from the theatre almost incapable of speech & beleive me that's unheard of for her!! - because she got to talk to him!!.

Sydney is a huge city compared to dublin but tine compared to london, there's 4 million people here & it covers a huge area ( not quite the size of eire but it extends about 75 miles north to south & about 40 miles west. It is split (in a way) through the centre by sydney harbour which becomes the parramatta river - there's also a harbour to the north & south with rivers as well. Sailors have described it as the most beautiful harbour in the world, rio being second (i haven't seen rio myself but ours is beautiful especially when we have fireworks at christmas, new year, australia day etc which light it up.). It's heading into winter here but the days are rarely less than 50 (although further south we have the snowy mts where of course we do get snow) but in summer temps of 90-105 are common!!. Australia is the world's largest island & smallest continent with almost all of our 20 million people living around the coastal fringe, most from the north to south east - the rest is pretty barren (although there are some natural areas of beauty - but totally different to eire, except for our island state - tasmania - if ou look at a map it's the bit at the bottom right - the apple isle - it's quite lush & cold & wild).

Why am I on an eating disorder forum, well it started when my daughter was diagnosed - I needed information & help & support toi help & understand her, but the more I read the more sure I was that she didn't have an eating disorder, which was true she has irritable bowel syndrome but almost developed an eating disorder because of the treatment she was getting!!@!!!!@@@@!! That made me want to pop in hree from time to time & see if maybe an outside point of view might help, partly because alot of poeple with eating disorders have had problems (& I was a counsellor in several areas prior to medical retirement) & partly because sometimes an outside view is useful, especially I felt if maybe there were other people around who were misdiagnosed or being mistreated by drs (the drs my daughter was seeing - supposedly world top drs - complained that she ate too much & were going to restrict her intake of actual food but wouldn't reduce her intake of food supplements or even consider changing the supplements to something she could tolerate - the one they use made other mums throw up so I can't see the point of forcing someone to drink it - besides getting someone over an eating disorder is more about getting them over whatever is causing it than getting them to eat. If all you do is feed them then release them they'll stop eating again, where's the point or gain in that??!!

Munchkin is 15 (16 on may 21st) she's a university student now & is doing really well, she hsa regained all the weight she lost & toned up really well, once she went onto the specific carbohydrate diet for people with auto-immune diseases like irritable bowel syndrome - before her body was simply not digesting her food & she wasn't getting any nutrients so her weight plummtted & because she's a teenage girl the drs refussed to consider any cause other than anorexia nervosa. Not that that's a cause, it's the result!! I also go onto other boards, as I suffer chronic pain, ocd, depression, anxiety etc & have had alot of medical problems (still do, hence the chronic pain) so feel I can give abit& get alot from ehealth.

That's it for now, if I don't comment on your poetry remember i'm getting on & my memory goes at times!!!! :d so remind me!!!!

Sydney sounds wonderful. I cant wait to see it, I will diffently go when I finish school. It seems almost magical and so myterous.
I have to say I really enjoy hearing from you its weird having someone that cares enough to rely to your thoughts. So thanks :d
i still havent purged today its a whole week, I cant believe it I am really happy with myself for that.
Your daughter is very young to have to of dealt with all that happened to her but I hope it was a learning experiece and maybe she is a better person for it.
When ever you get a chance to look at the poems its fine I was just wondering thats all.
Well I better go I have work to do and I am trying to get myself back on track, which I cant do if I spend the whole day on the internet. Lol.
Talk to you soon

Lostoyou

found only 2 poems, both were obviously written from the heart & were heartwrenching in their pain & call for help. They were also quite well written (some rewriting would improve them slightly but that is something I believe all writers/poets do, so as I suspect you wrote yours from pain & a need to vent I also suspect that you didn't do alot of thinking about any rewording of them) they are well written & I think you would benefit from writing more.

You might eventually even make some money but in the short term I think they are a great way for you to express what you are feeling, what you are afraid of, what you want & what you need from others & from & for yourself.

Do continue not purging & being back on track with your studies - but if you do purge or let your studies go abit, don't beat yorself up about it, just start again, after all you're only human.

Take care.

Purple thank you for all your advice. I appricate your opinion about my poems and I am glad you were honest. I have enjoyed talking to you and it has been nice to know someone cares. Its been a week and 2 days now so I dont think I will purge again its not worth the hassle. Thank you for everything.
lostoyou

You need to tell someone about throwing up blood. Bulemia can damage you intestinal tract and the esouphagus. It can also ruin the enamal on your teeth. I know. It ruined mine. Maybe seeing that blood is an eye opener that it is time to get help. First you need to get a complete physical with blood work. That was what I had to do when I finally got help. I was lucky that everything turned out okay. Get help!