I'm really not sure if I'm depressed, but
I don't know what else it could be. I cry
over everything. I feel like I'm
worthless...I feel fat--not just
overweight but particularly gross and
disgusting and that I should stop eating
(and I weigh 155lbs and am 5"4' and have
big boobs, so...really, I'm not that
overweight, scientifically speaking)--, I
don't think I'm good enough for my
boyfriend, I'm a complete fool (who the
hell only has a 3.0 GPA when they
graduate?) and somehow I got into
university but I'm terrified I'll get
expelled, I hate my hair, I hate my legs
with a passion, I think I'm dead boring, I
wish I was actually good at something....
I know I sound so emo. And I don't want
to. But really, I just want to be good at
something. People are smart. People are
pretty. People are good at art. People
are musically tallented. People are good
at sports. And I'm really just rather
caca--excuse my french--at everything. I
get by. I'm average. And I'm sick of
people telling me I'm not average, that a
B average at private school where I took 5
AP classes is not average--but hell it is!
And I want to be better. I don't want to
be average, but whatever I do I just stay
the same. Study, don't study...it's all
the same.
Also, I think I'm too boring for my
boyfriend. I feel fine when we have sex,
but when we aren't...I just don't think
I'm interesting enough. He never talks to
me about anything--I mean he says it's
just because he doesn't know how to have a
conversation, but honestly...we never talk
about anything significant. We end up
watching tv, or playing ping pong, or
foozeball, or some other game. And we
never just sit and talk. And I try and
tell him but he's just like "Of course I
love you, you're perfect" but I think he's
lying. I love him so much, and I guess it
doesn't really matter because I'm moving
in the middle of september and we're going
to break up because I'll be in the UK and
he'll be in the US, and I'm NEVER moving
back to the US, but I love him so much.
And I think I want to spend the rest of my
life with him, but I can't. The very
thought of him being with someone else
makes me feel sick...
I've started scratching myself too.
Sounds pathetic. But the only way to stop
myself from crying at every single
negative thought--which I have a lot
of--is to dig my nails into my palms or
scratch the skin on my forearms until it
is red raw. And it doesn't stay...but I
concentrate on the pain and it makes me
feel better.
If it helps, I was diagnosed with PMDD and
am taking the pill for it. And the PMDD
symptoms have gotten a lot better--I
destroyed my room before, and I haven't
been nearly as tempted to kill myself
since I've gone on the pill--but I still
have this terrible self-asteem and I
just...I'm unhappy, I guess. And what
terrifies me is that it's not based on
hormones, which means I must be doing
something wrong. I can't get anything
right, can I?
