Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 13932 Location: everythings better in, texas USA
Posted: 08-29-07 23:21pm
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was
REALLY angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect
to find a gift in the
driveway
That goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left
for work. When his wife woke
Up she looked out the window and sure
enough there was a box
gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
the wife put on her robe and
ran out to the driveway, and brought the
box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.
|
milletics
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Jun 2007 Posts: 204
Posted: 08-30-07 06:06am
heres two my 5 year old would tell
everyone last year.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
Tomato paste.
Did you ever see the movie
"constipation"?
Thats because it didnt come out yet.
Oh come on you know want to laugh.
Imagine a 4 year old saying it.
|
Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-30-07 11:01am
Lol, those are silly in the good way.
This is one my dad told my 6 year old
brother who then proceeded to tell my
mother's father!
"Why does Peter Pan fly?
You'd fly too if you got hit in the Peter
with a Pan!!"
This is the first joke I ever "got", told
to me by my dad:
"Why did the pig go to the doctor?
To get some oinkment!"
See, ointment, oinkment? That's a big word
for a 5 year old to know! lol. I think I
laughed for ten minutes and then told
EVERYONE.
Another dad-classic (notice all of these
jokes are from my dad?)
"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
...
...
Because it was dead."
I think my brother and I died laughing at
that one. I mean, it's just so obvious
it's ridiculous! And the image it conjures
of this monkey keeling over and falling
off of a branch XD Hahahahah!
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 13932 Location: everythings better in, texas USA
Posted: 08-30-07 11:02am
milletics
wrote:
heres two my 5 year old
would tell everyone last year.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
Tomato paste.
Did you ever see the movie
"constipation"?
Thats because it didnt come out yet.
Oh come on you know want to laugh.
Imagine a 4 year old saying
it.
i
like it!
|
sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2690
Thanks: 5
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-30-07 11:09am
I love these! My 5 year old is really
trying to understand jokes, but she's not
there yet. I will tell her these,
though.
Here's one:
String walks into a bar. "I'd like a
drink, please"
Bartender says, "We dont serve strings
here"
So he goes back to the alley and gets some
guys to help him. He says, "hey will you
tie me ina knot?"
The first big burley guy twistis him
grunting and groaning into a knot.
Finally he stands up stright.
"OK, now will you tear my ends up?"
The other guy pics him up and roughly
shreds both ends of him.
"Thanks", he says as the two guys look at
each other in confusion.
He walks back into the bar and the
bartender says "Hey you're not a string
are ya? I told you we don't serve strings
here"
He looks back at the bar tender and says
"Nope, fraid not!" (get it? frayed
knot?)
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 13932 Location: everythings better in, texas USA
Posted: 08-30-07 11:14am
sillyakchick
wrote:
I love these! My 5 year old
is really trying to understand jokes, but
she's not there yet. I will tell her
these, though.
Here's one:
String walks into a bar. "I'd like a
drink, please"
Bartender says, "We dont serve strings
here"
So he goes back to the alley and gets some
guys to help him. He says, "hey will you
tie me ina knot?"
The first big burley guy twistis him
grunting and groaning into a knot.
Finally he stands up stright.
"OK, now will you tear my ends up?"
The other guy pics him up and roughly
shreds both ends of him.
"Thanks", he says as the two guys look at
each other in confusion.
He walks back into the bar and the
bartender says "Hey you're not a string
are ya? I told you we don't serve strings
here"
He looks back at the bar tender and says
"Nope, fraid not!" (get it? frayed
knot?)
i had to stare at that for a second lol
|
Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-30-07 11:15am
Oh that one's terrible XD
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 3959 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 126
Thanked:12
Posted: 08-30-07 11:26am
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tube-a-glue.
Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they get a better grip.
|
young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 13932 Location: everythings better in, texas USA
Posted: 08-30-07 11:28am
Birch
wrote:
Why don't witches wear
underwear?
So they get a better grip.
ewwwwwww lol
|
lonestarguy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 591 Location: , Hoosierland, USA
Thanks: 10
Thanked:1
Posted: 08-30-07 11:29am
I know this one is old and kinda stupid,
but it's the first one I think of when
asked about a joke.
"I would rather have a bottle in front of
me,
than a frontal lobotomy."
I know you've heard it before, so I'll
search my seriously deranged mind for
another.
|
Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 08-30-07 11:38am
lonestarguy
wrote:
I know this one is old and
kinda stupid, but it's the first one I
think of when asked about a joke.
"I would rather have a bottle in front of
me,
than a frontal lobotomy."
I know you've heard it before, so I'll
search my seriously deranged mind for
another.
I had ever heard it, lol.
|
lonestarguy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 591 Location: , Hoosierland, USA
Thanks: 10
Thanked:1
Posted: 08-30-07 11:50am
I hope this doesn't happen to me.
"A woman hurries home, screeches her car
into the driveway, runs into the house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of
her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won
the lottery!!!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should
I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the
hell out!"
|
lonestarguy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 591 Location: , Hoosierland, USA
Thanks: 10
Thanked:1
Posted: 08-30-07 11:52am
Birch
wrote:
Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they get a better grip.
It took me a while but I finally got it!!
Told you I was a little thick.
|
Jules
Supporter
Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 3749 Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 75
Thanked:65
Posted: 08-30-07 12:03pm
lonestarguy
wrote:
I hope this doesn't happen
to me.
"A woman hurries home, screeches her car
into the driveway, runs into the house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of
her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won
the lottery!!!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should
I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the
hell out!"
PMSL!!!
|
lonestarguy
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007 Posts: 591 Location: , Hoosierland, USA
Thanks: 10
Thanked:1
Try This One Posted: 08-30-07 14:19pm
Jules
wrote:
lonestarguy
wrote:
I hope this doesn't happen
to me.
"A woman hurries home, screeches her car
into the driveway, runs into the house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of
her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won
the lottery!!!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should
I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the
hell out!"
PMSL!!!
It'll have you running for the bathroom
again:
"The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For
the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill
Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I
could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right
man for this job. Take your wife and go
home."
The second man was given the same
instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried,
but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was
given the same instructions, to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into
the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes,
all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to
death with the chair."
|
Birch
Supporter
Joined: 07 Nov 2005 Posts: 3959 Location: Bliss,
Thanks: 126
Thanked:12
Posted: 08-30-07 14:22pm
*guffaw!!!!*
That was a great one!
|
agathe
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Aug 2007 Posts: 74
Posted: 09-01-07 12:07pm
I needed those.
|
Jules
Supporter
Joined: 19 Aug 2006 Posts: 3749 Location: Merrie Englande, UK
Thanks: 75
Thanked:65
Posted: 09-01-07 13:49pm
LoneStar - I'd heard that last one before
but it was just as funny the second time
around, thanks!
sorry this takes a long time to set up so
bear with me
ok, so three men (one hindu, the other
jewish, and one a lawyer) are walking down
a country road when it starts to pour.
They look around and notice a farmhouse
not too far away. When they knock on the
door, they tell the farm owner, "please,
it is raining outside and we have nowhere
to stay. Would you be able to take us in
for the night?"
The owner agrees, but tells them that
there is only room for two of them in the
home, and that one will have to sleep in
the barn. The men have a discussion and
the jewish one finally says, ok ok, I'll
go sleep in the barn.
Late than night, the lawyer and the hindu
hear a knock on the door. They open it to
find the jew. He says, "I really apologize
but when I was in the barn, I noticed that
there were pigs in there. In my religion
they are considered a filthy animal and I
don't feel comfortable sleeping next to
them, would one of you mind sleeping in
the barn instead?"
The hindu man agrees and they all go back
to sleep. Later that night, they get
another knock on the door. The hindu man
says, "I am also really sorry, but I saw
some cows in the barn. In my religion they
are a sacred animal and I would not feel
comfortable sharing the space with them.
Would you mind sleeping in the barn,
lawyer friend?"
The lawyer reluctantly agrees, and heads
off to the barn to go to sleep. Even later
that night, they hear another knock on the
door
...it was the pig and the cow!
