Drinking Has Ended My Relationship... Is This Fair? Posted: 09-16-07 10:14am
Okay, I am not an alcoholic first of all
but I drink more than on occasions. When I
do drink, I enjoy getting drunk but I am
still in control. I never hurt or abuse
anyone while drunk. I may drink more than
the average person though in terms of
quantity or more often. I even drink alone
sometimes.
My girlfriend first told me she doesn't
care if I drink. She has had a rough past
with alcohol because her uncle passed away
due to it. She looked at our relationship
from a long term point of view and
thought, if we were going to be married,
she wouldn't be able to put up with my
drinking, even though its not alcoholism.
I used to do a lot of drugs from weed to
pills to cocaine, but I quit those for her
as soon as we got together.
Just yesterday she told me its not going
to work out. I can't even believe it. We
love each other to death and we have
chemistry, we just work together so well.
I treat her so damn good, like a queen or
something. I never look at other girls or
compare her, i'm always there for her, I
never lie to her, she tells me I make her
feel so good about herself, i'm faithful,
honest, etc. Its just this one problem I
have which is i'm a drinker and because of
it, she says its not going to work out
because she can't see herself with a
drinker.
Is this fair? I don't understand... She
has had a bad experience with alcohol but
hasn't pretty much everyone known someone
with a bad experience like losing someone
to alcohol? I really do love her, but I
feel I cant quit drinking. Not for myself
or my family, so not even her but I still
love her like crazy. I don't want to quit
drinking either because I don't feel the
need to, shouldn't she just accept me for
who I am? I am such a good person, I feel
I have more heart than most men do, and I
treat her so good at the same time. Should
she be able to just look past all my good
qualities and say end it because one
simple thing: I drink?
Right now we're just considering each
other friends... As much as I want to be
with her as a boyfriend and potential
husband, I can't believe its over. We
haven't talked this over properly yet but
I don't know, I don't see us coming back
together no matter how much we love each
other.
I left her some messages and said I can't
even consider her a friend. She basically
lied to me this whole time and now that I
got attached to her and loved her, she
tells me she can't put up with my drinking
even though she said it wasn't a problem.
|
silverbullet52
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2007 Posts: 4 Location: St. Petersburg, FL United States
Re: Drinking Has Ended My Relationship... Is This Fair? Posted: 09-17-07 13:28pm
BullZye
wrote:
Okay, I am not an alcoholic
first of all but I drink more than on
occasions. When I do drink, I enjoy
getting drunk but I am still in control. I
never hurt or abuse anyone while drunk. I
may drink more than the average person
though in terms of quantity or more often.
I even drink alone sometimes.
My girlfriend first told me she doesn't
care if I drink. She has had a rough past
with alcohol because her uncle passed away
due to it. She looked at our relationship
from a long term point of view and
thought, if we were going to be married,
she wouldn't be able to put up with my
drinking, even though its not alcoholism.
I used to do a lot of drugs from weed to
pills to cocaine, but I quit those for her
as soon as we got together.
Just yesterday she told me its not going
to work out. I can't even believe it. We
love each other to death and we have
chemistry, we just work together so well.
I treat her so bless good, like a queen or
something. I never look at other girls or
compare her, i'm always there for her, I
never lie to her, she tells me I make her
feel so good about herself, i'm faithful,
honest, etc. Its just this one problem I
have which is i'm a drinker and because of
it, she says its not going to work out
because she can't see herself with a
drinker.
Is this fair? I don't understand... She
has had a bad experience with alcohol but
hasn't pretty much everyone known someone
with a bad experience like losing someone
to alcohol? I really do love her, but I
feel I cant quit drinking. Not for myself
or my family, so not even her but I still
love her like crazy. I don't want to quit
drinking either because I don't feel the
need to, shouldn't she just accept me for
who I am? I am such a good person, I feel
I have more heart than most men do, and I
treat her so good at the same time. Should
she be able to just look past all my good
qualities and say end it because one
simple thing: I drink?
Right now we're just considering each
other friends... As much as I want to be
with her as a boyfriend and potential
husband, I can't believe its over. We
haven't talked this over properly yet but
I don't know, I don't see us coming back
together no matter how much we love each
other.
I left her some messages and said I can't
even consider her a friend. She basically
lied to me this whole time and now that I
got attached to her and loved her, she
tells me she can't put up with my drinking
even though she said it wasn't a
problem.
If your drinking has
caused serious life problems, ie break up
of a relationship... sometimes denial is a
factor in this issue...check it out...No,
it's not fair...but neither is life...good
luck to you.
|
everyday_struggle
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2007 Posts: 304
Posted: 09-17-07 13:32pm
sorry for your break up. But it looks like
she already has made up her mind and you
shouldnt dwell on it. Seems like your even
angry at her for her giving you up. You
can either let this get you sad and
depressed or you can look fix yourself up
and go back on the dating scene. You also
maybe in denial with your drinking, you
should go take a look at that. and next
time dont be so upfront about your
drinking. keep it on the DL.
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-17-07 16:36pm
Well, I decided to quit drinking if thats
what she really needs from me. We still
have to talk though, shes going through
some rough problems of her own so when she
told me about ending it, she was just
really stressed out and whatnot.
|
everyday_struggle
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2007 Posts: 304
Posted: 09-17-07 16:59pm
BullZye
wrote:
Well, I decided to quit
drinking if thats what she really needs
from me. We still have to talk though,
shes going through some rough problems of
her own so when she told me about ending
it, she was just really stressed out and
whatnot.
You shouldnt quit drinking for her, you
should quit drinking for you. Because if
you stop drinking for her, then you might
resent her for "making" you stop drinking.
Or if it is over then you will just drink
and maybe go on a binge and realize that
you do have a problem. Either way, you
probably have a drinking problem because
if shes telling you to stop then theres
some concern there.
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-17-07 17:06pm
Shes not telling me to stop... Its just
that she can't deal with alcohol. For me
to be with her, I can't drink at all
because it just brings up too many bad
memories for her. She lost a family member
to it and cannot stand being around
alcohol at all.
|
chickenp005
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Sep 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Illinois
Posted: 09-17-07 17:35pm
I am sorry for the break up.
Women are very complicated.. I know
because well.... i am one..and we admit
it...
My first question is how many days per
week would you say you drink?
if it is more than 3 or 4 days a week than
i would consider it a problem.
My 2nd question is how long have you been
together?
She might have not broken up with you
specifically for the drinking.
Women will target in on a reason which
seems the best reason for a breakup.
My mother is a heavy drinker and my
boyfriend drinks about 2 days out of a
week. that does not in anyway make me want
to break up with him. It just might be
you.
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-17-07 18:14pm
chickenpoos
wrote:
I am sorry for the break up.
Women are very complicated.. I know
because well.... i am one..and we admit
it...
My first question is how many days per
week would you say you drink?
if it is more than 3 or 4 days a week than
i would consider it a problem.
My 2nd question is how long have you been
together?
She might have not broken up with you
specifically for the drinking.
Women will target in on a reason which
seems the best reason for a breakup.
My mother is a heavy drinker and my
boyfriend drinks about 2 days out of a
week. that does not in anyway make me want
to break up with him. It just might be
you.
I drink about once or twice a week.
Well, we've been together about 5 months
now but we knew each other before we
started dating. She was in love with me
even before, but I messed things up and
ruined our relationship but we were young
and I was dumb and immature so she gave me
a second chance now. Shes VERY faithful,
the fact that shes loved me for 2+ years
now even though we haven't been together.
She always tells me how much she needs me
and can't go on without me.
When she told me she can't be with me she
was heavily in tears and told me how hard
it is for her to say it.
I have sent her some emails and text
messages but no replies at all, maybe she
needs some space? I guess i'll have to
wait until she is ready to talk to me...
Well, all i'm wondering is, she comes from
a broken family and doesn't have anyone
that truly loves her. Her parents do love
her, but put her down all the time. Her
mom is abusive, and her dad is always
comparing her to her brother.
I'm always there for her when she needs
someone and i've never let her down once.
I've walked away from friends while
hanging out because shes called feeling
down and needed to talk.
She always tells me she needs me and can
never leave me... So I just don't
understand how my drinking can overshadow
everything else positive I do compared to
this one negative aspect of myself.
|
chickenp005
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Sep 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Illinois
Posted: 09-17-07 23:51pm
I am not sure this is JUST about your
drinking.
If it is just twice a week than that is no
where near a drinking problem.
I do believe that she loves you no doubt.
MAYBE she just needs some space.
I do believe that this is something deeper
though from the sounds of it. Like you
said you have been there for her 100%.
But from what i am gathering she wants you
when she needs you.. and it has more of a
friendly love than a true love.. and if
she has asked you to stop and you told her
straight to her face that your drinking is
not a problem which i agree with than
maybe shes not the right one for you.
To me you sound like a good man that has a
drink once in a while. I don't know what
else to say besides just wait to she what
she says in response to one of your emails
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-18-07 15:08pm
She called me today... Just talked like
normal friends pretty much. She said she
called because she missed me, but at the
same time she said she has to stop calling
me because otherwise she won't be able to
get over it. Then I told her we can just
talk as friends and she just said okay, I
guess.
|
meblonde01
Supporter
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 2113 Location: ,
Thanks: 6
Thanked:2
Re: Drinking Has Ended My Relationship... Is This Fair? Posted: 09-18-07 15:18pm
BullZye
wrote:
Okay, I am not an alcoholic
first of all but I drink more than on
occasions. When I do drink, I enjoy
getting drunk but I am still in control. I
never hurt or abuse anyone while drunk. I
may drink more than the average person
though in terms of quantity or more often.
I even drink alone sometimes.
My girlfriend first told me she doesn't
care if I drink. She has had a rough past
with alcohol because her uncle passed away
due to it. She looked at our relationship
from a long term point of view and
thought, if we were going to be married,
she wouldn't be able to put up with my
drinking, even though its not alcoholism.
I used to do a lot of drugs from weed to
pills to cocaine, but I quit those for her
as soon as we got together.
Just yesterday she told me its not going
to work out. I can't even believe it. We
love each other to death and we have
chemistry, we just work together so well.
I treat her so bless good, like a queen or
something. I never look at other girls or
compare her, i'm always there for her, I
never lie to her, she tells me I make her
feel so good about herself, i'm faithful,
honest, etc. Its just this one problem I
have which is i'm a drinker and because of
it, she says its not going to work out
because she can't see herself with a
drinker.
Is this fair? I don't understand... She
has had a bad experience with alcohol but
hasn't pretty much everyone known someone
with a bad experience like losing someone
to alcohol? I really do love her, but I
feel I cant quit drinking. Not for myself
or my family, so not even her but I still
love her like crazy. I don't want to quit
drinking either because I don't feel the
need to, shouldn't she just accept me for
who I am? I am such a good person, I feel
I have more heart than most men do, and I
treat her so good at the same time. Should
she be able to just look past all my good
qualities and say end it because one
simple thing: I drink?
Right now we're just considering each
other friends... As much as I want to be
with her as a boyfriend and potential
husband, I can't believe its over. We
haven't talked this over properly yet but
I don't know, I don't see us coming back
together no matter how much we love each
other.
I left her some messages and said I can't
even consider her a friend. She basically
lied to me this whole time and now that I
got attached to her and loved her, she
tells me she can't put up with my drinking
even though she said it wasn't a
problem.
How much and how often are you drinking?
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-18-07 15:46pm
It really varies... On average i'd say
twice a week, most likely getting drunk
each time. Not completely wasted, but just
drunk enough.
|
sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2689
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 09-18-07 15:52pm
Even if you aren't drinking very often,
your GF may just have an aversion to it
because of the past and her uncle dying,
etc. I have a terrible aversion to
cocaine. I have never tried it, but I can
hardly stand the idea of someone I love
doing it, and I would never be around if
peopel were doing it. It just creeps me
out. Same as with acid/shrooms/ex, etc.
I just really hate to think about my
friends or people I love being on those
substances. I know alcohol is legal and
those substances aren't but the emotion is
still there for your GF evidently. If you
are quitting, be sure its for you too
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-18-07 16:02pm
Well... I'll just have to deal with it
then. She said she has a lot on her mind,
and that she misses me...
Maybe she'll want to get back soon? But at
the same time shes telling me she has to
get over it so I guess not.
Very confusing, I guess i'll just have to
get over it myself. I really loved her and
cared about her, but she is nothing more
but a friend now.
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-18-07 16:06pm
chickenpoos
wrote:
I am not sure this is JUST
about your drinking.
If it is just twice a week than that is no
where near a drinking problem.
I do believe that she loves you no doubt.
MAYBE she just needs some space.
I do believe that this is something deeper
though from the sounds of it. Like you
said you have been there for her 100%.
But from what i am gathering she wants you
when she needs you.. and it has more of a
friendly love than a true love.. and if
she has asked you to stop and you told her
straight to her face that your drinking is
not a problem which i agree with than
maybe shes not the right one for you.
To me you sound like a good man that has a
drink once in a while. I don't know what
else to say besides just wait to she what
she says in response to one of your
emails
Well, she was the "innocent" type... She
was very shy at the beginning talking
about sex or anything like that. Lately
she opened up to me more than ever. We
pretty much had dry sex and I felt her up
everywhere, rubbed her in her good spot
even though she never pictured herself
doing anything like this. Could this be
why? I think because she opened up to me
this way, she expected me to quit drinking
because I should feel like I don't need it
if I have this other type of pleasure...
|
chickenp005
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Sep 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Illinois
Posted: 09-18-07 16:37pm
First of all it needs to be HER that
realizes that your drinking once or twice
a week is not a problem. IF she truly
loved you than she would let the drinking
go.Yes she had a loss in the family due to
drinking. I had a loss in the family due
to old age... that doesn't mean that i am
gonna kill myself so that i don't get
old.
Let her go.. Shes not worth your time.
Expect you to quit drinking if she lets
you get to 2nd base.. pushhh...
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-19-07 14:13pm
chickenpoos
wrote:
First of all it needs to be
HER that realizes that your drinking once
or twice a week is not a problem. IF she
truly loved you than she would let the
drinking go.Yes she had a loss in the
family due to drinking. I had a loss in
the family due to old age... that doesn't
mean that i am gonna kill myself so that i
don't get old.
Let her go.. Shes not worth your time.
Expect you to quit drinking if she lets
you get to 2nd base..
pushhh...
I guess you're right... I never really
felt that close to any girl before, I just
felt like shes the only girl that would
ever love me for my personality, she was
so perfect too in every way to me. I guess
i'll just have to forget about it then if
she can't completely love me for who I am,
my personality was perfect for her but my
drinking just made it difficult. Then
again, i'm only 19... I hope I find
someone perfect for me in the future, i'm
not in any rush now, I guess I can just
take it slow and have some fun.
This is my first time dealing with
something like this so it feels a bit
weird... I still think about her a lot and
even getting back with her, even though I
know its not going to happen. I'm not the
player type of guy, I actually prefer
dealing with one girl who I know will
last.
|
DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 09-20-07 13:26pm
everyday_struggle
wrote:
BullZye
wrote:
Well, I decided to quit
drinking if thats what she really needs
from me. We still have to talk though,
shes going through some rough problems of
her own so when she told me about ending
it, she was just really stressed out and
whatnot.
You shouldnt quit drinking for her, you
should quit drinking for you. Because if
you stop drinking for her, then you might
resent her for "making" you stop drinking.
Or if it is over then you will just drink
and maybe go on a binge and realize that
you do have a problem. Either way, you
probably have a drinking problem because
if shes telling you to stop then theres
some concern there.
Amen!
Don't quit for her! If you want to be
with her, she's laid it out there for you
pretty much; quit drinking. If you love
her and want to be with her, you have to
make that commitment to yourself first,
then share with her what you're willing to
do to make things work. Then judge her
reaction; maybe she's using your drinking
as an "option" to get away from you. Not
saying that's the case, but it's happened
before.
However it turns out, be honest with
yourself about your drinking habits. Why
do you drink alone? That's a red flag
right there!
|
BullZye
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Jul 2007 Posts: 112
Posted: 09-29-07 12:11pm
Well, she tried talking to me last night
but I was sleeping and she tried messaging
me on MSN and calling my cell. So she sent
me a text message which I woke up and read
in the morning, she said she really loves
me and always will but it just kills her
that I chose this lifestyle...
I really want to get back together... Is
there such thing as being too
honest? I always tell her everytime I
drink and how much, if I get back with her
I plan to never drink when i'm with her
alone. Maybe I should just not bring up
the drinking at all even though I still
drink here and there?
I just find it really hard to say I didn't
drink or lie to her, I feel guilty for
even telling the smallest lies, its just
something I can't do.
Do you think its really bad to lie about
something like, lets say in my situation,
you go out and get wasted with your
buddies, but you tell your girlfriend you
just had a beer or two?
Any advice?
|
sillyakchick
Supporter
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 2689
Thanks: 4
Thanked:0
Posted: 09-30-07 12:02pm
My advice is either make the sacrifice or
don' lying is never an option when you are
ina relationship.
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