Looking For An Opinion, Please? (long)

Hi, I'm 21, male, college student. I started seeing a counselor about a month or so ago because I was having problems in school. For some reason, I simply do not do anything when I'm away at college. I got kicked out of my first school after 2 semesters, didn't tell my parents until the end of summer, got into a new school (current), where my first semester was bad, second was decent, and since then its all been downhill. I am now a junior and i feel a bit of improvement, the only problem is after about 2-3 weeks i lose all sense of motivation, i stay up late, sleep in, miss class, neglect work, and so on.

Socially, I am a nobody. I get really frightened when im in social situations and i simply have no idea what im supposed to do when im around other people. This includes sitting in class, the cafeteria, or simply walking to and from classes. For example, on my way to class i will pass by many other students, and each person i pass is like a challenge: What do I do? Do I keep walking straight, and pretend theyre not there? Do I look at them? How long do I look at them for? Do I smile? If I know them, do I wave, or say hi, or say whats up, or do nothing? What am i supposed to look at as i'm walking by them?

Alcohol diminishes these anxieties. If I'm fairly inebriated, i lose all of my fear and I can generally have an ok time. But if I have only had a couple drinks and still sober (for the most part), I cannot do it. I cannot be at a party or ill start to feel like everyone is looking at me.

Which brings me to my next point, everyone is looking at me. I feel like im constantly being judged by others based on how i look, how i sound, who i hang out with, where im going, whether or not i go to class, etc. If I feel like my hair is messed up I will literally stay in my room and not go to class. If I know there will be more than 10 people in the dining hall, i will starve myself all day. I don't care, as long as I dont have to walk into that dining hall while other people are there, because i know they will all be looking at me. If I know i didn't do an assignment, I will not go. I have to make sure my clothes match and dont look like/smell like caca, otherwise i will not leave my room. Sometimes if I dont have time for a shower, I will not leave my room.

I started smoking marijuana in Spain last year (Moroccan hash) and since then I guess you could describe me as a pothead (although I quit as of yesterday!). I absolutely love pot but i felt it was taking away too much of my time and money. I was smoking every day (at least once or twice) from August 2006 until October 2007. Sometimes I'd be having 3+ blunts a night. At first I was only smoking exotic, high end marijuana, but my connection was busted so I've only been having some decent mids around for about 8 months.

I have also tried magic mushrooms twice, both times with my brother in his dorm room. He has tripped many times. My first time was pleasant, and it actually refreshed my relationship with my brother, which had diminished the past few years. We listened to music, talked, pretty much enjoyed the entire time. I loved it.
My second time, my brother didnt take any. I took them around midnight and was up until about 630 AM. At first I was having fun, but it eventually got weird as the night progressed. I started locking myself in the bathroom with the lights off, I thought i was peter pan on top of the rooftops of london (like the disney movie). Then I saw his shower and looked down towards the drain. i thought i was looking into the well from the movie "the ring", where the deformed girl crawls up. but she wasn't in there, what I saw was the girl from the movie "silent hill" when she is climbing up from what is supposed to be "hell". from then on, my brother didnt let me go in the bathroom (i told him what i was seeing). i wasn't scared at all. to be honest, i was LOOKING for her, it felt like i was TRYING to freak myself out. around 3 AM my brother passed out, but i could not because my trip had not subsided. i layed down in the dark waiting for my trip to end. all around me the objects, that i later learned to be laptop cases and other miscellaneous junk, turned into the scary girl from the movie "the grudge". i would stare at her face, and not be scared. all i wanted to do was go to sleep. eventually the trip wore off and i noticed what all the objects in the room truly were.


since my experience with marijuana and mushrooms, i've been intrigued with jam bands, particularly the grateful dead. this has grown into an obsession. during the summer i would often hang out with my brother and his friends. we would smoke and listen to the dead in my brothers car, and almost every time we would all start flipping out (the music is intense if youve never listened to it). but i loved it and i yearned for it (still do now). i absolutely love the feeling of losing my mind to music. music has always been my ultimate joy (besides cars!). the music of the dead makes my mind go wild. i cannot get enough of it. i went from not knowing who the hell they were to about 500+ songs in weeks, if not days.


a few other things i feel i should point out:

i often have imaginary conversations with people, pretending to talk to them about topics i like, and imagining how the conversation would go. its always with someone i know, they just aren't actually there. usually its me explaining something to them.

ive noticed that i often forget that i am living in a reality. there have been times in my life where ive had out of body experiences, and i could look down on myself and others from a "different" perspective. i clearly remember a time when i could actually control it, willingly having the experience. i also have sudden "realizations" that the humans around me are actual people with lives of their own. to me, they all seem to just be there, part of MY reality, where my thoughts are the only ones being broadcasted. everyone else is just a walking piece of meat, regardless of whether or not i meet them. when i had a gf (my first and only) i would often look at her and id get astonished at the fact that she has her own thoughts, and that she isnt simply there as something that my mind/body reacts to.

many times ive thought about life, particularly the oddity/rarity that me and my thoughts and my subconscious came out now at a specific point in time, and one day it will all end. it makes me wonder, was i something/one else before this? did i have thoughts before as something else in a previous life, and is this just another cycle that your mind goes through??

sometimes i get really depressed and feel that i am the only person in the world sitting at home on a friday/saturday night, while everyone else is out there being social and having a great time. it is one of the worst feelings ive encountered. there is a sense of urgency, a NEED or a CRY for interaction, to feel like i am someone, like i am a part of something. when i get into these moods, it usually overwhelms me and i often just sit in my room or lay on my bed for a while. my parents often ask me whats wrong and i tell them nothing.

alongside of depression and mood swings, sometimes i get very depressed and confused and i have no idea why. last night around 2 am i was feeling this way. i didnt know what was making me sad, all i knew was that i wanted to cry. again, i had this sense of urgency, like something was rushing me. my mind was trying to get somewhere but i had no idea where it was going. the back of my mind hurt, but it was almost a psychological thing rather than physical pain. it felt like my mind was trying to escape from my brain (best way i can describe it)

i have to add that the reality realizations often are pointed towards me. the way our bodies are set up makes us look outward and never in. sometimes i am shocked that the body i see (my arms, hands, legs, stomach, etc) is attached to my face. seeing my face is perplexing; this is what i look like as i walk around all day? this is the face attributed to my thoughts?

i dont know where ill end up in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. to be honest, i dont know where ill be in december. am i in trouble?