I Know That I'm Really In Deep Now..

I've dealt with this stuff for too long now and this is my desperate attempt to get help. Here it goes..

Ever since I was a little kid I've felt like there was something wrong with me. I'd see my friends getting hugs from their parents and how comfortable they seemed about it but whenever anyone tried to hug me I'd feel awkward and uneasy. Even to this day I can't tolerate people touching me (hugging, hanging, poking..etc) unless I initiate it. That's not all I'm dealing with though.. Now to move on to other things..

My parents divorced when I was 13- just the day after Christmas when I was in the 8th grade. It really confused me because I never saw my parents argue and it just seemed so sudden. I sat and watched from my bedroom window how my dad was loading up his car and leaving us. He had cheated on my mother with several different women that I never knew and my mom finally snapped. Throughout my life though, my mom has always told me that all men are scum and they're always going to hurt me. I really believed her.

When I was eight years old I was sexually molested by a guy and never told my family about it. I was ashamed and hurt and confused.. The only people that found out about it were a couple close friends and my boyfriend. Needless to say, I had the proof I needed to believe that men were horrible.

By the time I had finally come to terms with a change of schools and a new stepfather, I met my ex-boyfriend. He seemed friendly enough and I felt like there was some reason why God had brought us together so I saw no harm in dating him. Within the first week I got a taste of how it was going to be. He asked me if he could kiss me but I refused shyly.. But he asked again and I gave in. I felt him being a little agressive in his kiss and I saw a look in his eyes that scared me. It only got worse as the next 2 1/2 years went on.

I got used to his hard grip around my wrists when he forced me to touch him.. And I got used to him showing me off in front of his friends and telling me in private that I was worthless. I wasn't pretty in his eyes and all he ever did was point out things about me that he wanted to change. I felt controlled and then heartbroken when I finally found out that he was cheating on me. I wanted to leave him the moment I knew, but it took 6 months to get out of the relationship after that. The only reason I gained the strength to leave him was because I met a man who taught me that I shouldn't be treated so badly. He said my mom's advice was wrong and that staying with my ex was the worst thing I could do. This brings on the drama of my life..

I met this man and fell in love with him even despite our 9-year age difference. It may sound scary, but we actually met on the internet.. And he lived on the opposite side of the country.. But we've been "official" for almost two years and I moved in with him just a couple months ago. I have my own place now though because we figured it would be better for everyone. There are a lot of people in his family that don't like our age difference.. And obviously my own family raised Hell when I told them that I had been lying to them about 'not talking to him anymore.' My mother got the police involved in our relationship because she thought it was wrong for him to like me. I even got kicked out of the house by my step-dad just before I left to come here. So it hasn't been easy at all to say the least.

Anyway, I'm just really confused. I feel like I'm so alone even despite the fact that I'm in love with this man. I've talked to him about how I feel like I've got some problems but we dont even have the money to get me a doctor. Intimacy is really hard for me because I still see visions of my ex hurting me and in the back of my mind I hear my mom's words "he's gonna hurt you".. And even when I call my mom and tell her how I'm a little lost she just says I should come home. She has even called me a 'health question' and a 'health forum' within this last year or so. I caught her doing drugs last summer and it has really made me feel like I don't have a family. After my dad left my entire family put the blame on me for 'breaking up the family' because I chose to stay with my mom. They would completely ignore me on the holidays which has made me hate Thanksgiving and Christmas. I just don't understand anymore.

I feel so worthless when my boyfriend wants to intimate and I can't do anything. I have such a low self-esteem and I don't know what to do about it. I used to write poetry when I needed to vent but I've totally lost my will to do that. I sing too and lately it just makes me depressed. I've completely lost interest in things that I used to love and I feel so empty and alone. What the hell is wrong with me? Why don't I feel loved or happy?

Its so hard for me to trust.. And making friends is really difficult. I'm always so worried about what people think of me when I'm meeting them for the first time or two. I can't be myself and I can't even vent to my friends because they just don't get it.

I've thought about suicide and have been thinking about how I just need to be punished for something. I don't really know what that something is, but I really do feel like that. Sometimes I don't eat anything for long periods of time and I still don't feel hungry. Can anyone help me? I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless.



CantHelpButCry