Hi, Tom:
I'm writing from "the other side". No,
I'm not dead, I'm prolly older than your
mom by a little. I've been through what
you've been through before, more than
once, so I can give you the benefit of my
perspective.
You're 20 and you haven't had a romantic
relationship.
Be careful what
you wish for, you may get it. When you
have your first big heartbreak (and you
will at some point), you'll be wondering
why you ever got involved in the first
place. It's a double-edged sword.
When this girl told you that you had your
standards set too high, what did she mean?
You obviously have things that you feel
are important in a woman. Don't lower
your standards if you feel as strongly as
you do. You may have won the battle but
you will lose the war and you will be very
with yourself. It's apparent that she
didn't measure up and though it hurts you,
you're better off without her.
High school is a very cruel time in one's
life. I was never part of the "in" crowd.
Even in grade school several of the girls
who thought they were truly something
treated me terribly. I realize now, and
you will also, that those people who try
and make you feel bad about yourself have
already hit their peak in life and are on
their way down. They are extremely
insecure and the only way they can feel
good about themselves is to put down
others. How incredibly sad is that? They
are so hollow inside, and they realize it,
but nothing good will ever fill that void.
You, my dear, are what is termed "a late
bloomer". You haven't reached your full
potential yet, at least where women are
concerned. Everything happens in its own
good time (call me a fatalist if you will)
and it happens for a reason.
Not that the above paragraph makes you
feel particularly good at this time and
I'm sorry you're lonely. What kind of
friends do you have? Do you have both
male and female friends? If you only have
a few female friends, friends that you pal
around with and your friendship transcends
the gender difference (like a sister, if
you will), I suggest you find more of
them. Take up a new hobby, join an
organization, volunteer some time,
whatever. Meet new people.
It always helps when you join a particular
group because you'll have something in
common and that will serve as a
springboard to other things. It kind of
takes away some of that awkwardness in the
early phases of a relationship. Any kind
of relationship must have friendship as a
basis otherwise it will not last. Romance
comes with time--kinda creeps up on you.
That doesn't preclude your falling madly
in love with someone and they with you.
However, you still need a strong
foundation. The first few months are full
of sonnets and symphonies but eventually
the orchestra folds up and you get around
to the business of dealing with day-to-day
stuff. You both stop "making nice" and
revert to being yourselves. That's when
the real learning comes in and can really
test the strength of two people's feelings
for each other. If it fizzles out then it
wasn't meant to be. Live and learn. If
it can stand some of the strains that
naturally occur with any friendship,
chances are pretty good that it will
last.
At 20 you're just starting out on your Big
Adventure. Just because you don't have a
girlfriend now doesn't mean that you will
be unattached for the rest of your life.
I had decided from a fairly early age that
I wasn't going to get married. Then I met
someone when I was in college that knocked
me off dead center. However, it wasn't
meant to be (and I'm eternally grateful
for that) and I learned several lessons.
My relationships were few and far
between--I'm talking years. When a
relationship ended it took me a long time
to try again. I was very fortunate to
have a support network of both guys and
women. My male friends were very much
like brothers and made me feel important.
We never liked each other except as
friends, and we would keep each other
true. IOW, if they were doing something
that was a bad idea I could tell them so
and vice versa. We weren't afraid to keep
each other straightened up and flying
right.
I didn't meet the man I ended up marrying
until I was in my 30s and we were together
just over five years before we married.
Neither of us was ever planning on
marrying, it just happened.
OK, so you don't have a girlfriend right
now. If you have the chance, do something
you've always wanted to do. Chances are
that you may never get to do it when you
get older and you may end up regretting
it. I did lots of things when I was
between relationships that I'm glad I did.
I moved to an apartment that was in a
place I wanted to live, I traveled a great
deal (by myself), I ended up getting a
Masters Degree. They may not seem like
great things but I did them and that's all
that mattered.
Be friends with yourself. Get comfortable
in your own skin. If you don't like
yourself, how can you like anyone else?
Also, don't just look for the "first row"
girls (the analogy is bleachers in a gym).
There are others a little higher up that
have a great deal to offer but are too shy
to approach you. They may not have the
looks the front row girls do (and I'm not
saying that all you care about in a woman
is how she looks) but they have an inner
beauty that the front row girls will never
have.
I can see I'm starting to ramble so I'll
close. Good luck and do keep posting.
