Birch
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to Go Or Not to Go...that Is the Question...advice Needed!
Posted: 10-19-07 11:36am
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I have a brother whom I see once every
couple years. He only calls when he has
something important going on, he is
usually manic, very selfish,
materialistic, and I cannot remember the
last time he asked me how I am or even
what I'm doing. When I was in a couple
rough spots years ago all he did was
belittle me on the phone and hang up on
me. He refuses to call his relatives, and
I end up being the bouncer. He has been
like this for years.
Our family enables his behavior by
excusing his noncontact and selfish
mannerisms by saying, "Oh, he's busy" or
"Oh, the girlfriend he's with won't let
him call us" even though he's really just
a jerk. Our grandparents are desperate to
talk to him and it makes me very sad to
see it.
He called me last week to tell me
that I was to come to his wedding this
weekend. He is getting married for the
second time to the woman he cheated on his
first wife with. He is her third husband.
It's very chaotic. They have decided to
get married in their favorite bar, and of
course he didn't tell our family and I am
forbidden from sharing this news.
I agreed to go, but in retrospect I am
ticked at myself for the knee jerk
reaction of 'giving in' to him once again.
I'm tired of enabling him and acting like
he's some really pleasant person to be
around. This is not a little deal; it is
going to take a four hour car trip and as
a person who is excessively busy I don't
have the time, and as a student I really
don't have the gas money.
I'm ready to put my foot down. He cannot
keep treating people like this and get
away with it.
What do you all think?
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Birch
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Posted: 10-19-07 11:38am
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I had a third poll choice of "Come down
with a mysterious illness and practice
avoidance" but I guess it didn't work.
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young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
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Posted: 10-19-07 11:39am
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i like choice 3 lol
geez birch i dont know if i would go
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Tmddyan
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Posted: 10-19-07 12:28pm
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i like choice 3 too--often i have to add
and extra option before my last option
shows up
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amethyst eyes
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1339
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Posted: 10-19-07 12:33pm
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Personally i would put my foot down and
say no. I would also tell him point blank
why I am refusing to go. Avoiding the
issue will not make it better
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sillysallie1990
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Oct 2007
Posts: 308
Location: ,
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young Girl
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jun 2007
Posts: 13932
Location: everythings better in, texas USA
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Posted: 10-19-07 15:55pm
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| sillysallie1990
wrote: | | tell him hell
no |
lol
yeah birch HELL no needs to be option
number 4 
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number game
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Jun 2007
Posts: 1212
Location: Charlotte, NC,
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Posted: 10-19-07 16:04pm
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I dunno. I would be upset with him as well
but I would probably still go. Family is
everything. No matter had bad one hurts
you, or they act towards you or others,
just remember that they are still your
blood. Maybe he has underlying issues
that's he's not discussing with you guys
because of reasons unknown. Maybe he NEEDS
you to be there. He may need help in the
way he acts (or what makes him act the way
he does) but that shouldn't stop you from
being the best sister you can be. When you
no longer have family what do you really
have?
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Auzzie_Wanting_To_Help
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Feb 2007
Posts: 214
Location: Australia
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Posted: 10-19-07 16:37pm
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| ~~rachel~~
wrote: | | I dunno. I would be upset
with him as well but I would probably
still go. Family is everything. No matter
had bad one hurts you, or they act towards
you or others, just remember that they are
still your blood. Maybe he has underlying
issues that's he's not discussing with you
guys because of reasons unknown. Maybe he
NEEDS you to be there. He may need help in
the way he acts (or what makes him act the
way he does) but that shouldn't stop you
from being the best sister you can be.
When you no longer have family what do you
really have? |
I agree with this.... even though you dont
like the way he acts, he is still your
brother. The fact that he invited you must
mean something as he didnt invite the rest
of the family. He may not realise that hes
belittling you? have you talked to him
about it? I am a very family person so I
would go. Maybe talk to him after the
wedding about how you feel he is treating
you and the rest of the family, find out
if there is a reason why he doesnt talk to
the family.... there maybe a reason that
you dont know about?? I hope this helps.
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Lion79
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
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Posted: 10-19-07 17:07pm
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Maybe you could tell him you'll only agree
to go if either of you can tell the rest
of your family. He's putting you right in
the middle here. Your family will
undoubtedly find out he's married and know
that you had kept that secret from them.
It's not fair he's putting you in that
position, he should really tell them
himself. But if your family isn't invited
or knows nothing about it, I'd say don't
go.
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Birch
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Posted: 10-19-07 18:06pm
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Thanks everyone for your comments! I
continue to mull this over, and I know the
best decision is certainly not to come
down with mysterious illness and avoid the
whole thing. I
certainly like Hell No, Suzy, but I wish I
had just said that in the first place. (I
mean, a bar? It's potluck in a bar?
Really???) 
Of course in family situations like this
there is more to the story, but I won't
bore you with extraneous details.
I don't believe that because someone is
related to you that gives them free rein
to treat you like crap and you have to
take it.
I'm really leaning towards knocking the
mud off and just having a clearer
relationship with him. And that means not
going and telling him why.
Ooh, I better have a fortifying drink
before that happens!!
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Mommy35
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 3165
Location: Vacationland, USA,
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Posted: 10-19-07 18:38pm
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I don't think you should go. Wouldn't you
be enabling him too if you were not honest
with how you feel? Maybe you should go
and get a good buzz on and tell him how
you feel. Then you are killing 2 birds
with one stone.
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Birch
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Posted: 10-19-07 19:45pm
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I agree, Mommy35.
I think I've figured out what my problem
is; he has this hold on me, being my older
brother, and being manipulative, and I
have always done what he wants. I am
afraid to incur his wrath.
I am not going, and I am going to call and
tell him why.
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Sandbox Party
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 7276
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Birch
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Posted: 10-20-07 11:12am
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Yeah. Isn't that great.
Well, I know weddings are personal and
everyone should do their own thing...to make it
meaningful to them, but geesh,
potluck in a bar at a week's notice?
This is just getting more and more
absurd.
God, I know he's going to blow up when I
tell him I'm not going.
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Birch
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Posted: 10-20-07 17:37pm
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Ain't voicemail a great thing??? 
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Jules
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Posted: 10-23-07 03:53am
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How did it go?
Does potluck mean like a buffet? Not come
across that term before in ref to a
wedding.
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Tylanas
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Posted: 10-23-07 09:59am
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A potluck is when everyone comes and
brings their own homeade dish so everyone
gets something to eat
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Tylanas
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Posted: 10-23-07 10:01am
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I'd firstly not go, and secondly I WOULD
tell the entire family so they all
show up randomly and completely ruin his
wedding muahaha. But I'm a little
sadistic.
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Birch
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Posted: 10-23-07 18:39pm
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It went alright Jules. I mean, I guess, I
didn't go and haven't heard back from
him.
I would do nothing so mean spirited Eiri.
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