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emilyallen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
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My Boyfriend Has Genital Herpes
Posted: 10-23-07 14:08pm
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I just started dating one of my guy
friends a little over a month ago, and he
told me recently that he has herpes. We
have not had sex yet but have had really
close intimate skin to skin contact. He
said he hasnt had an outbreak for over a
year, but I am still scared. I feel like I
have to decide between him and living with
the risk of getting herpes that would
effect the rest of my life. I don't know
what to do. Help.
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Marianne0558
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Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Posted: 10-23-07 14:13pm
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Even if there are no signs of an outbreak,
you can still catch herpes.
If you keep yourself protected and don't
have sex or skin-to-skin contact during
the outbreaks, it is unlikely you will
catch it.
Do you consider him as someone you would
spend the rest of your life with?
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emilyallen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
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I Dont Know
Posted: 10-23-07 14:16pm
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I dont know if he is the one. I really
like him, and the thought of breaking up
with him because he has herpes seems
silly, but this is my life, and the
thought of having outbreaks forever really
freaks me out. Also, if we do break up and
he gives it to me, for the rest of my life
I will have to have the herpes talk with
guys I date. It is more of an emotional
issue than anything. I just dont want to
get it! Not sure I can have a healthy sex
life with someone with herpes if I am
always worried.
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Fairy*Godmother
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Posts: 1340
Location: , Georgia USA
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Hi
Posted: 10-23-07 14:21pm
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If you honestly care about this person and
are willing to take the chance of
contacting herpes as well, then I'd say
find out everything you possibly could
before you go on with the relationship. I
believe wiht all my heart, if I'd met my
husband and he'd told me about it, I'd be
in your shoes and be very
uncomfortable....not knowing or wanting to
risk...........but in the end, I'd risk
catching anything he had to offer, because
I do love him that much. Is he taking
Valtrex daily on a regular basis, whether
he's had an outbreak or not? There are
precautions you can take, just find out
all hte info you can before making a
decision. Good Luck!
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Latisha27
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 45
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Risk
Posted: 10-23-07 14:33pm
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You have to decide if the risk is worth
taking or if you can trust your bf and
yourself to do the right thing in the heat
of the moment i strongly suggest not
having skin on skin contact since like the
others said you can get herpes even when
there is no outbreak, i think it would be
said to think you couldnt be with him just
because he had herpes i would give him a
hug and kiss just for letting you know
that is really a big step for him and im
sure he also fears ahving nobody!!
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Marianne0558
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Joined: 10 Sep 2007
Posts: 1641
Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Re: I Dont Know
Posted: 10-23-07 14:39pm
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| emilyallen
wrote: | | I dont know if he is the
one. I really like him, and the thought of
breaking up with him because he has herpes
seems silly, but this is my life, and the
thought of having outbreaks forever really
freaks me out. Also, if we do break up and
he gives it to me, for the rest of my life
I will have to have the herpes talk with
guys I date. It is more of an emotional
issue than anything. I just dont want to
get it! Not sure I can have a healthy sex
life with someone with herpes if I am
always worried. |
I'm sure he felt the same way when he
learned he had it.
Be thankful he had the stones to tell
you.
A lot of people don't inform their
partners that they have an STD. Either
because they are ashamed or they just
don't know.
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emilyallen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
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I Know
Posted: 10-23-07 14:44pm
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I know, he is a wonderful guy, and I know
it took a lot of strength for him to tell
me. I really care about him, but I care
about me too. I am just going to put off
sex until I feel comfortable if I ever do.
I just dont want him to be self conscious
or this to ruin our relationship.
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Marianne0558
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Posts: 1641
Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Posted: 10-23-07 14:50pm
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If you aren't comfortable, your
relationship is going to be ruined.
You can't just not tell him-that is
basically giving him false security.
Just sit him down and talk about it. I
doubt you are the first he's had this
discussion with.
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Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1088
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
Thanks: 13
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Re: My Boyfriend Has Genital Herpes
Posted: 10-23-07 14:59pm
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| emilyallen
wrote: | | I just started dating one of
my guy friends a little over a month ago,
and he told me recently that he has
herpes. We have not had sex yet but have
had really close intimate skin to skin
contact. He said he hasnt had an outbreak
for over a year, but I am still scared. I
feel like I have to decide between him and
living with the risk of getting herpes
that would effect the rest of my life. I
don't know what to do.
Help. |
You will have to decide between him and
herpes. Its tough but thats the way it
is. There is no cure for herpes and it is
a pain to deal with. Its hard to tell
people you have it and you could and
probably will be rejected by some people.
But above all it is your life and you
deserve to have a good one. I have herpes
and a few people have stopped dating me
because I have it. but thats ok, love is
what matters not sex. Are you willing to
go through that? You are going to have to
be selfish and think of yourself. But let
him know your decision before the
relationship gets more serious. Its
better for him to know where you stand
right away. Just remember that if you do
break up with him, that that doesnt make
you a bad person. Do not feel bad. Its
your life not his.
Just be honest, the answers will come.
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emilyallen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
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Actually..
Posted: 10-23-07 14:59pm
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I am the first person he has had a
relationship with since he got it. He
knows I am worried, but not as worried as
I am, so I am going to talk to him more
about it. We have only been dating for a
month though, so its hard to tell if he is
the one. I know there are worse things in
the world, but I dont want herpes for the
rest of my life either.
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Marianne0558
Supporter
Joined: 10 Sep 2007
Posts: 1641
Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Re: Actually..
Posted: 10-23-07 15:00pm
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| emilyallen
wrote: | | I am the first person he has
had a relationship with since he got it.
He knows I am worried, but not as worried
as I am, so I am going to talk to him more
about it. We have only been dating for a
month though, so its hard to tell if he is
the one. I know there are worse things in
the world, but I dont want herpes for the
rest of my life
either. |
And that is your right. It's your body,
your life.
Just talk to him and be completely honest.
In the end, he will respect that more.
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emilyallen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
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P.s.
Posted: 10-23-07 15:00pm
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It basically comes down to 2 risks. Either
I risk giving up a wonderful guy that I
could fall in love with and be happy with,
or I risk getting herpes for the rest of
my life and lose the guy in the end.
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emilyallen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
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Thanks
Posted: 10-23-07 15:06pm
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Thanks so much for your advice. I really
appreciate it. I am also worried about
hurting him. I know he will be devastated
if I end it because of this. Aren't the
chances of me getting it like 5% if he
uses a condom and takes valtrex?
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Rosie H
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1088
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
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Re: P.s.
Posted: 10-23-07 15:16pm
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| emilyallen
wrote: | | It basically comes down to 2
risks. Either I risk giving up a wonderful
guy that I could fall in love with and be
happy with, or I risk getting herpes for
the rest of my life and lose the guy in
the end. |
I was in an 8 month relationship and I
told him that I had it. I didnt want to
be with him anymore, because of the
problems we were having. But I had to
leave. He has it now and I dont know
where he has been or how he is doing, but
I regret giving it to him. I mean he knew
the risks but he got it anyway. I dont
know, i feel very guilty. Having it is
hard. You can still have a sex life, but
it does make things difficult. you can
have 1-6 outbreaks a year. They can be so
painful you cant walk. Its really tough
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Marianne0558
Supporter
Joined: 10 Sep 2007
Posts: 1641
Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Posted: 10-23-07 15:16pm
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I know it's low but there's still a
chance.
I would make sure there's no outbreak, a
condom, and medication
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Rosie H
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Joined: 11 Jun 2007
Posts: 1088
Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
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Re: Thanks
Posted: 10-23-07 15:19pm
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| emilyallen
wrote: | | Thanks so much for your
advice. I really appreciate it. I am also
worried about hurting him. I know he will
be devastated if I end it because of this.
Aren't the chances of me getting it like
5% if he uses a condom and takes
valtrex? |
I think its like 70% chance of passing it
without symptoms. But the medication does
lower that chance big time. I know a
couple that have been married and having
sex for 10 years. The husband has it and
she still has not gotten it. If you are
careful you probably wont get it. But my
boyfriend and I were together for 1 year
until he got it. It just depends. Look up
valtrex on the web. Or go to www.webmd.com
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emilyallen
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Oct 2007
Posts: 9
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?
Posted: 10-23-07 15:39pm
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Would I know if I already had it? We had
that close contact (will not get into
detail) about 2 weeks ago. Are you on
Valtrex and still get painful outbreaks
often? Do they lessen overtime?
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Georgia59
Moderator
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 5323
Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
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Posted: 10-23-07 15:42pm
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You wouldn't know if you had it, you'd
have to get a test.
My suggestion is to go visit a
gynocologist together and the three of you
discuss your options and risks, if you're
serious about this guy. You can stay
protected, you can take medicine, but you
still might get it.
The good news is, if you get it and you
end up staying with him, so what? You're
not gonna spread it to someone else,
right? It's not like you'll die.
But you will need to be concerned about
pregnancy, if the two of you ever had a
baby you would need to be on special drugs
for that too I think.
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Marianne0558
Supporter
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Posts: 1641
Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Posted: 10-23-07 16:44pm
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| Georgia59
wrote: |
But you will need to be concerned about
pregnancy, if the two of you ever had a
baby you would need to be on special drugs
for that too I
think. |
I think the standard procedure for
delivery is a c-section too....
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Rosie H
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Posted: 10-23-07 17:06pm
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A blood test will tell you if you have it.
Also herpes is passed on by skin to skin,
not by intercourse or bodily fluids. So
even with a condom you can still get it,
because his pubic area is touching your
pubic area. But the chances are very very
slim.
Also I do not take daily drugs because of
the side effects. I dryed up like a
desert even when I was aroused. So I just
deal with the outbreaks as they come. I
take acyclovir when I feel one coming.
Outbreaks happen when your immune system
is down, like when you are sick or under a
lot of stress. I have a lot of health
issues so I get an outbreak at least once
a month. But its my choice not to be on
medication. I am sure the meds would help
lesson my outbreaks. Some people have
their first one and never have anymore,
while others only have a couple a year.
Also pregnancy is not as dangerous as it
seems. Yes your baby can become infected
and there are serious problems. Like
still birth, deafness and retardation.
this scared the crap out of me. But trust
me I have done so much research and as
long as you do not have an outbreak during
vaginal birth your baby WILL NOT GET IT.
Your baby cannot get it through your blood
either.
The doctor will test your vagina/birth
canal for evidence of an outbreak. If
there is none then you can have a normal
birth and a completely healthy baby. if
there is evidence of an active outbreak
then you HAVE TO HAVE a c section. If a
doctor tells you you have to have a c
section then they are wrong. Also they
usually start you on hepes medication
right before labor, just to be careful.
I hope this clarifies some stuff for you.
Herpes isnt such a bad thing.
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