i dont know what to do anymore, i feel
like im going mad, one moment im really
happy and i can feel it going through me i
can feel the euphoria and then the next i
feel like driving full speed into a brick
wall.
i left 6th form in may this year and since
then i feel like im so alone. all my
friends have gone off to university, they
all have great boyfreinds or girlfriends,
they all did really really well at school.
whereas i feel like i have nothing.
i feel like i have nothing, my best friend
recently got a new boyfriend so she spends
all her time with him, and barely speaks
to me anymore, for my birthday a few weeks
ago she took me for dinner, to where she
works (which also happens to be where her
boyfriend works too) and i thought it
would be really nice for me and her to
have some time together, but she spent it
worrying about how she looked because he
was there. so that was my birthday.
and then my boyfriend finished with me,
and weve been rowing since, but he turns
to me with all his problems, he told me
last night he wanted to kill himself, and
when i talked to him about it he said im
the only person who cares about him. the
problem here is that i care about him
alot, so its hard hearing how im 'one of
his best friends' and not good enough to
be his girlfriend.
it confirms one of my worst fears, that im
good enough to sleep with, but not good
enough to love.
i cant trust the people who i call my
closest friends because none of them can
see that im desparate to be asked how i
am. its not good enough me telling them i
need to know they care, i want someone to
ask me how i am, and even though i say i
dont want to talk about it, persist, i
want to know if theyre willing to go
'against what i want' to find out whats
wrong (if that makes sense) its not good
enough just saying it i want them to show
how much they care which clearly they
dont.
i feel so alone, im scared that one day im
going to break and do something that i
cant take back. i just want to be happy
with who i am, i want someone to show they
care i feel like i have no one. i feel
like theres nothing going to be anything
to ever look forward to, i wish i could be
more positive but i cant see the point in
my life, my future, in myself.
i dont know what to do, my head is buzzing
all the time, i can never switch off i
feel like im going mad, everything is so
overwhelming.
im always there to help other people like
when friends spilt up with their partners
or theyv had a bad day im always there
because its what friends do, but no one
has the time for me. im always the one
everyone comes to with problems but when i
have one, no one cares.
i dont want to end up killing myself but
im finding everything too much. i want
someone to promise that its going to be ok
one day, but i dont think there is a
single person in my life who can do that.
it also scares me how erratic my mood is.
i can be on top of the world, i can feel
the happiness flowing through me, but
sometimes as soon as 4 or 5 hours have
passed i will be crying for no reason.
this happens alot particularly at night,
ill go to my room so i can cry.
i also end up being really really horrible
to my mum, shes only trying to help and
she really is. but i end up shouting and
screaming at her, and being really
difficult. anyone looking at my behaviour
would think im deliberatly trying to make
her life difficult and that im an awful
person. truth is i dont know why i do that
to her, im scared shes going to end up
hating me.
i dont know what to do to stop me from
feeling like this.
please
i feel like im going mad.
