S O Needs a Bit of Pep Talk - Bipolar Husband Posted: 11-02-07 18:27pm
i think i.m losing it
my husband of 27 years was provisionally
diagnosed with BP about 6 years ago.
he had a pretty awful childhood,
BP mother (undiagnosed)
violent and bullying father (authoritarian
control freak)
we spent a reasonably contented 20 years
traveling around. relationship always a
bit volatile
but we loved each other (well i think he
loved me)
he was my bright star, often moody but i
put it down to the "cave" thing and
learned to leave him be
he is not physically violent but can avoid
conflict by running rings around me,
turning everthing back on me so
disscussion was impossiable
about 6 yo he had his first major episode.
business deal went wrong symptoms heavy
drinking, loss of appitite, pacic attacks,
paranoia
this followed hyper euphoria huge spending
etc
had to get the CAT team out (crisis team)
now he recognises he is BP but wont see
anyone
last year he started getting irrationally
angry and pushed me off a chair and sat on
me and was quite violent
I immediatly went to the police and asked
them to phone him and give him a warning
(had to draw the line somwhere)
this worked as he started taking his
sodium valporate and has been good in
taking them but drinks about 2ltrs of wine
per day
the problem is he seems to be flat all the
time,
uncommunicative
wont deal with finances, ignors mail
including bills, spends indiscrimiatly
he's going to run into real trouble with
tax office.
he seems to be fixated on his parents who
continue to harrass and bully him (he only
told me about his childhood and the
beatings he copped 2 years ago )
his response when it all gets too much is
to hop on a plane to japan or the UK for a
job interview,
he gives me no warning and somtimes just
disappears for a week or so and then rings
to say hes got a job there and stays away
until he either finishes a short contract
or gets the sack.
he has a heart problem but parties like a
madman when hes away
leaves me with huge bills and no means to
pay them
I have to cope with his mother freaking
out
his father making demands for his phone
number
I know he sees other women when he's away
on a high but have learned that this is
part of his mania as is his irrational
spending
I really love him as do the kids(hes good
and always gentle with them even if he
dosent do much with them)
last week he came home from is normal job
here, and said he had a job interview in
japan and would be away a week, he hasnt
called .
I dont know if i can cope with it again
i dont want to leave him because
1 Ilove him
2 the kids love him
3 financial situation and attendant
hardship for kids
but my health is starting to suffer
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daffodil67
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 54 Location: , midsouth, usa (think presidential pair)
Posted: 11-03-07 16:57pm
OK...um, you say he's good about taking,
Depakote? I think? Maybe not so much, as
he seems to be having a lot of manic-type
symptoms. Plus, 2 liters of wine a day is
enough to mess with ANY psychotropic
drug's efficacy. People who take mood
stabilizers DO complain about feeling
"flat," but the chaos you have going on
doesnt' sound flat. Maybe he is not on
enough, or maybe he's not taking them
because he LIKES the highs and the chaos.
I understand why you need a pep talk!!!
Gosh...the whole situation sounds so out
of control. The part of me that feels
activated to respond is the relationship
skills part, the boundary setting part,
not the mental illness part. I mean, if
HE were on here asking "what's happening
to me?" my answer would be much different
than what I feel like talking to YOU
about.
He grew up in chaos....the parents still
seem perhaps over-involved/boundary-less
You and the kids need stability.
It sounds like he needs THERAPY, not jsut
med mgmt, as he has ISSUES that may be
feuling his tendancy to not want to get
his illness and LIFE under control.
You had the police draw a line for you.
Perhaps you need to draw another line for
him and tell him he needs to get things
under control if he wants to continue in
the relationship---it could be the most
loving thing you could do--for HIM as well
as YOU and your kids.
(Honestly, this reminds me of when the
husband is alcoholic and does not have
another mental illness. The chaos, the
lack of responsibility, not knowing what
is best for your kids...and he IS drinking
quite a bit--I mean, 2 liters is 2 whole
bottles, right? You might want to even
talk to soem people in AlAnon...they are
PROS at figuring out situations such as
this, and frankly, alcohol probably has a
great deal to do with ehat's happened
recently, as the increased use seems to
coincide with a lot of the more erratic
behavior.)
Your HEALTH is starting to suffer. DAD
can't take care of those kids...YOU need
to be well...PERIOD.
Good luck...I'll be watching for posts, so
fire away if you feel like it!
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abnrmlmind
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 55
Posted: 11-03-07 17:42pm
usually therapy or counceling is continued
along with medication. sometimes
medication increasement might be needed
when going through hard times. that could
be why hes drinking. self medication is a
quick way of dealing with a mental
illness. but also can cause a crippling
effect on medication and the mind. help
and guidance is needed and perhaps you
should look for professional help instead
of distance uneducated opinions.
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daffodil67
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 54 Location: , midsouth, usa (think presidential pair)
Posted: 11-03-07 20:22pm
Distance unedcucated opinions?? LOL
She said "now he recognises he is BP but
wont see anyone"
The advice you give is great, abnormal,
except for this little tidbit, which it
looks liek you missed. It happens.
He definitely seems to need professional
help, but where is the spouse supposed to
go? I did not think her post was as
weird as some of the people on here who
are actually HAVING bizarre, serious
symptoms of mental illness asking if they
indeed have a mental illness (THEY should
see a doctor...)
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abnrmlmind
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 55
Posted: 11-04-07 00:00am
distant uneducated opinions i mean she
needs to seek physical help from a doctor.
so i apoligize. advice is what everyone
here is for.
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daffodil67
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 54 Location: , midsouth, usa (think presidential pair)
Posted: 11-04-07 02:36am
Gotcha...only problem is that SHE is not
the patient and HE refuses to go. And not
ALL the distant opinions are uneducated,
but I DO understand the caveat. Perhaps a
therapist of some sort woudl help...but
then, I'm pretty well sure that so will
AlAnon...
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astrid 10
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-05-07 01:44am
hi,
thanks for all your careing advice
he hasnt turned up
re his meds he takes 2x500 epilim and he
does take them
he didnt seem particularly manic when he
left
unfortunatly a-anon is part of the prob
hid dad joined when he was about 5 and
totally neglected his family except when
he wasnt laying down the law or beating
his 5yo son
christmas was always filled with guests
drying out andd to much harsh religion
funny he always has his worst flip outs
around xmas
I know it helps a lot of people but in the
hands of a bullying control freak it can
add power to those who misuse it.
I think i'll get some therapy for myself
to keep me strong
cheers.
one of the great things about these
forums, i helps be focus that his behavior
is not him but his disorder
Ive known him since he was 16 been
together for 27 years
so i know he is not just an assh--l
I somtimes think that in trying to stand
up for himself he's gone too far in the
"no-ones going to tell me what to do"
and has lost sight of all responsibility
I have heard BP called a selfish dissorder
but I think this is wrong
I think that when normally kind people
behave irrationally and thoughtlessly it's
because they cant see the effects of their
behavior on others.
similarly with the lying, when they come
down they can always see a rational reason
for the behavior and this becomes thier
truth.
thanks again
astrid
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abnrmlmind
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 55
Posted: 11-05-07 11:17am
xmas must bring a lot of stress for him.
i usually start to trip up around
thanksgiving. i think its because i end
up having so much to do with family and
all. that and i cant go to the store
because theres so many people out. which
then comes my birthday and of course xmas.
stress is the leading cause to my problems
and i believe the way i assess the
situations.
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daffodil67
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 54 Location: , midsouth, usa (think presidential pair)
Posted: 11-05-07 18:27pm
Stress!!! Yes, me too...I totally
understand about acting out cause of the
upbringing...I'm glad you seem to see the
he is not his behaviors. I was jsut
worried about you and your kids. Cause if
he's sort of "not there" in terms of
responsibility, that leaves it to you, and
it's such a big responsiblity.
Good luck...
Sarah
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Tmddyan
Moderator
Joined: 13 Jun 2006 Posts: 4108 Location: post falls, id usa
Thanks: 64
Thanked:51
Posted: 11-05-07 19:27pm
he may need an increase in depakote
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astrid 10
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-06-07 05:02am
he's run of before
I just wait until he calls,
my kids are 14 and 10 and worry why he
dosent call,
the hardest thing is trying to convince
them that hes just absent minded (which is
true in a big way)
I dont want to worry them unnessecarily as
he may turn up tomorrow
he's only been " missing" 3 days this
time
last time he called after 10 days and was
home 2 weeks later
I'm coping, and took the kids fishing this
morning
finananially I'm OK for about 2 months
I took precautions last time and have a
slush fund
so my position isnt as bad as for some
but i worry if hes phyisically ill or in
jail (japan can hold 23 days without
notifying anyone
on the other hand this may be the wake up
that he needs to get treatment.
his parents have left 2 messages in 7
days for him to ring them
I dont want to tell them that he's missing
again.
that caused a whole lot of crap last time
wobbly as
astrid
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EndlessApathy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Nov 2007 Posts: 10
Posted: 11-09-07 22:47pm
Oh yea there we go, drug him up and mess
with his frontal lobe some more! No, what
hubby needs is to grow up and be a big boy
and stop the heavy drinking. If I can do
it as a BP college student, he can do it
as a grown man with a family.
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goldeeelocs
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Nov 2007 Posts: 5
Astrid Posted: 11-17-07 13:57pm
OMG my husband sounds very much like
that...He owns his own business, has been
fairly sucessfull, we've had fun time and
he does a lot for me. But, then he will
blow up over the smallest things or carry
some issue for days, being mad. He's been
gambling for the last year or two...out of
control. Bus. is failing, our marriage is
failing, he just doesn't come home some
days. I've tried counseling, he won't go.
I threatened selling our home,
divorce...nothing works. He comes home
says we'll work it out and behaves for a
month, only now it's only a week, then
only 3 days, before there is major
trouble. It's like he just doesn't even
think of me, just leaves work early goes
to the bars with his "friends" then goes
gambling or whatever and I don't get even
a call. Two or three days later he calls
all apologizing, and says he's "just
stupid, and he doesn't mean to hurt me"
Doesn't he make a choice at the time? I
don't get it!
He says he wants to make it better,
doesn't want a divorce, loves me...but can
I really believe that? It's all so
confusing! He can be very verbally
abusive as well when he is "mad" I love
him very much, he can be the greatest,
most giving romantic, fun, smart man I
have known, but lately the bad out weighs
the good.
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