I've never really been able to talk to
anyone about my problems face to face. I
guess it's pretty common. I have good
family and friends but even that isn't
enough. I am an only child, I've always
been alone and had to learn everything for
myself. I have been diagnosed with
Bi-polar disorder, i've lost friends,
almost all of them, terminated
relationships which never had a chance in
the first place because of my issues. most
people tell me not to complain if I do
mention something because they think I
have a great life. That makes me more
depressed because i feel like I have no
reason for my short comings. I grew up 20
minutes outside Manhattan where the
attitude is be strong. I've always
maintained that but it's all just a
facade. I've lived in Hollywood for a few
years and traveled extensively. Basically
I've experienced what many would like to
but I always feel empty, always alone.
Sometimes I think I'm going to lose it, my
life used to be picture perfect and I have
watched it burn to the ground and I'm only
26. I have no one I can really turn to,
there is no one left. I'm always running,
always moving around the country but my
issues follow me everywhere and things
always turn out the same. At times I've
turned to drugs and alcohol but was lucky
enough it didn't ruin my life more, it
only set me back. I'm in treatment but
even that I feel is getting me nowhere. I
just want someone to understand what I'm
saying without passing judgement. I wonder
if the mistakes I've made are reversible,
usually when I try to sleep at night I
don't believe they are. I keep wanting my
old life back but I know that wont happen.
I cant move foward, I feel stuck, trapped
in cage I feel I've built myself. I dont
seem to care much about anything and i
dont want to bother others with my
problems or depress anyone else. My
problems have affected my family in such a
negative way that it depresses me so much
i dont know if I have the strength in me
to carry on. I just thought maybe writing
about it, where others could see this
might help. I wish I had more people to
talk to or felt more comfortable
discussing these things that are slowly
draining all the joy and color out of my
life. I used to be someone everyone wanted
to be around. Now I'm just a messed up
person who finds himself alone and is
almost out of hope
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Dear Swrite1 Posted: 11-09-07 22:37pm
Sorry we missed this one.
Your life sounds almost like a mirror of
mine. I have learned that I have to
realize there are things that are totally
out of my control and there are things
that I can make better. I try to focus on
those things that I know I can change and
make things for me a happier place to
live. We all have a tendency to look at
the all the pieces of our puzzel and just
set there and wonder how the heck to put
them to gether. Well, you start with one
piece at a time and just calmly look for
the next piece that might fit. I may take
a week, it may take a month, it may take a
year. But, piece by piece you will be able
to get that puzzle together. Also find
yourself a good counslor. One you can take
to and feel confortable with. One you can
open up totally too. That is so important.
What it all boils down to is that you have
to help yourself too. There is no magic in
getting better. You are not alone, believe
me.
Just today I have to call my doctor to add
my Xanax back on my list of meds as a back
up to my Klonopin cause I had such a
frantic attack. Over something I can not
change the outcome of. That is the worst
part.
Carrie
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Swrite1
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Nov 2007 Posts: 2
Thanx Posted: 11-09-07 23:10pm
It's always good to know there are others
like you even if you already knew it.
Affirmation is powerful. Xanax, Klonopin,
Valium...I've had to use from time to
time. Ritalin and Adderol too. Seems like
I've sampled the whole store sometimes.
I've been thrown out of my comfort zone,
thats for sure. I do take things a day at
a time, sometimes hour by hour if
necessary. i try to find the positive
needle in the perverbial haystack. I try
to rebuild some of what I've lost, but
when you had very high expectations you
thought you could achieve realzing your
not even at baseline can be an
overwhelming feeling for me. I realize the
ramafications of the behavior I've
exhibited and even though others forgive
me for things I can't find it in me to
forgive myself. I suppose when I look at
the puzzle I can only see the pieces next
to me, like I'm too close to see the big
picture. It's such a bad feeling when you
can't remember what it felt like to be
happy. I constantly have to travel from NY
to LA and back again. It makes it hard to
be grounded or start to build a life .
Thanks for the post. It made my day a
little better
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 11-10-07 02:45am
Yeah,I'm sure glad my Doc knows me for the
past 6 years and has seen me at work,
cause she would really think I was an
addicted just being there two days ago and
writting me another RX for #60 Vicodin ES
for my disc back pain with three refills.
Granted yes, buldging disc's are very
painful but, she has a heck of alot of
trust in me.
Just try and remember hon, there is power
in positive thinking, I try and remember
that. Don't always help, but I sure dang
try. I am counting on
you getting through this. And you will!
Hope I was of some help to you. Just try
solving one thing at a time, you will find
it will go easier for you.
I am counting on
you getting through this. And you will!
Hope I was of some help to you. Just try
solving one thing at a time, you will find
it will go easier for you.
