Joined: 15 Jul 2006 Posts: 524 Location: La Porte, TX
Ils Staying W/ Us After Baby Is Born (want Them In a Hotel) Posted: 11-05-07 15:00pm
OMG, I wish I could nix in-house company
after the baby is born. My ILs are not
horrible, I get along with them fine but
am not sure I want them staying in the
house right after the baby is born. I
really, really want them in a hotel, but
DH is adamant that he wants them here and
doesn't want them spending money on a
hotel. They will be coming from CA to see
the baby so it's not like they can easily
drive back home...argh, I already had them
visiting for 2 1/2 weeks in early Oct. The
worst about my ILs is they never, ever
give concrete dates for when they plan to
leave, so you have no clue how long they
will be staying. I really wanted my mom
here instead staying with us and helping
(she lives about a 1 1/2 hr. drive away),
and now I don't know if there will even be
room for my mom in the house (we have a
small house). I'm worried I'm going to be
cramped and crowded and who knows what my
emotional state will be (I worry about
postpartum depression since I have a
history of depression already) and even if
I don't have PPD, my hormones may well be
wacky and causing me moodiness, and MIL
gets her feelings hurt SO easily. I know
my mom would understand, but I'm not sure
MIL will. And I don't know, I'd rather not
have to worry about FIL being around when
breastfeeding. I know the ILs want to be
staying over for Christmas (my EDD is Dec.
12), so if the baby is born on time, I
will have them here for 2 weeks in a best
case scenario. I'm sure they will show up
by Dec. 12 whether I have signs of
impending labor or even if it looks like
I'm going overdue.
In this respect, my DH who is normally so
sweet & understanding, is NO help. He
really, really wants his mom here
(sometimes, I have told him he just needs
to cut the apron strings, but he won't).
It makes me so upset just thinking about
it, it almost has me crying. Last time I
tried to discuss this with DH, I was in
tears for hours. DH says it's his baby too
and he really wants his mom here, but DH
is not the one who has been carrying this
baby for months and having to deliver the
baby in the end and having to breastfeed
and deal with bleeding and all the
postpartum stuff.
Can anyone suggest a tactful way to
discuss this with DH that won't have me
hysterical in the end? I have told DH I
would be OK with his parents staying with
us before the baby comes but getting a
hotel after I deliver, and he still
doesn't think it's fair to ask them to get
a hotel, even though I know they can
afford it if they want to be here for an
extended visit. The whole situation just
makes me feel sick to my stomach and like
crying . I
know my ILs are not evil or bad people,
but I still would rather not have them
staying in the house after the baby is
born. It's already stressful enough for me
when they visit for 2 1/2-3 weeks without
the baby being here (just feeling cramped
& not comfortable in my own house).
Argh, am I a bad person for not wanting
them here? I don't mind if they come over
during the day, but I just really wish
they'd get a hotel and wouldn't be here
24/7, especially for such an extended
visit. I know DH's parents are much older
than mine and won't be able to travel here
to visit into the unforeseeable future,
but I really wish they'd wait for us to
settle in with the baby before making such
an extended visit, but they wouldn't dream
of not seeing DH over Christmas
This just has me really upset lately, and
DH thinks I'm being unreasonable whenever
I bring up my point of view
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Dannzibelle
Supporter
Joined: 23 Oct 2006 Posts: 3770 Location: South East, England
Thanks: 27
Thanked:11
Posted: 11-05-07 15:09pm
You're not being unreasonable in the
slightest! You are going to give birth and
understandably want to go to a nice calm
quiet house not a house full of people
wanting to hold the baby, the first
days/weeks are so important for bonding
between mum's and babies.
I agree with you, he does need to cut the
apron strings, mumma can't be there all
the time! He has his own baby to worry
about now
I wouldnt want that either, after i had
jordynne my husbands friend thomas was in
the house, he was watching our son the day
my hubby picked me up from the hospital.
And ibeleiv ehe stayed the night too. It
was really aggravating just to not have
your house to yourself. i mean we have a
pretty big house etc, but its the fact of
them being there. I was breastfeeding to
and i always had to go hide away in my
room to do it etc. It was driving me up
the wall, just him being there imean he
wasnt doing anything to annoy me or
anything like that its just that extra
person, You just gave birth and have a new
l ife in the house and you just want your
house to yourselves, it is soo hectic the
first few weeks too, cant they jus tcome
up for xmas , i mean the baby will still
be there but by then u might have settled
into a routine. Im thinking your DH wants
em there for the extra help, but thats
just my thoughts lol. Extra help can be
nice but it can also be sooo overwhelming.
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vanessalouanne
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 May 2005 Posts: 2268 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 11-05-07 16:53pm
I didnt even really want my mom in my
house after I had my daughter, I wanted
time for me, my husband, and her to bond
and be our own family. I think you just
need to stick to your guns. Tell him, do
you understand I will be bleeding a lot,
very uncomfortable, and tired. Honestly,
Id just put my foot down. Tell him it's
your body and that his in laws can visit
but no, they cannot stay with you. I
personally would empahsise the I WILL BE
GUSHING BLOOD AND IN A LOT OF PAIN..
and then id cry.
hahah bad but thats what worked with my
husband. I think you just need to be
firm. Dont give him the option. Im sorry
but this is YOUR and the baby's time. You
need that to bond.
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Mommy35
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 23 Sep 2006 Posts: 3165 Location: Vacationland, USA,
Posted: 11-05-07 17:02pm
You are not unreasonable. I would come up
with a fair compromise. After a month
they can come and visit. By then you will
have a routine established for yourself
and baby, you'll be bleeding less and more
comfortable.
Seriously use the routine card. Explain
to him how important it is to get a good
routine down early, it's important for you
and him to bond with the baby, and it
would be easier to do that if you had some
time alone together.
I would be very firm with it too, and if
he doesn't agree than ask him to book you
a room at a hotel for you and the baby.
Then everyone can come visit you.
I would have taken my life if my MIL came
to say even if it was for the night.
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vanessalouanne
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 31 May 2005 Posts: 2268 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 11-05-07 22:51pm
haha me too cindy
i laid down the law and told her not for a
few weeks at least
(well, i made brian tell her)
tell your husband that believe it or not,
shes had a baby too and knows what it
feels like following child birth.
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sick_mama17
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 960 Location: , England
Posted: 11-06-07 06:04am
I think you should put your foot down and
tell your husband if he lets them move in
during that time, that you will get your
mum to pick you up from the hospital after
the babys born, and you'll go stay with
her until his parents leave.
Thats so ridiculous they cant give you
some space and time when you've just given
birth all because they cant not see their
son during christmas. Hes a grown man with
his own family now and they shouldnt be
butting in like that! You're the one
carrying the baby and giving birth, YOUR
feelings should come first.
If you say all that to your husband and he
still is against it, could you go behind
his back and talk to his mother on the
phone about it? Explain how you feel and
firmly say you want them to visit a few
weeks after she/hes born but not straight
away. Stand upto her. And dont feel bad
for going behind his back to speak with
his mum, he will have left you no other
choice to get what you need.
He should respect your feelings on this
more than his own or his parents. Could
your mum try talking to him about it too
maybe?
. I
know my ILs are not evil or bad people,
but I still would rather not have them
staying in the house after the baby is
born. It's already stressful enough for me
when they visit for 2 1/2-3 weeks without
the baby being here (just feeling cramped
& not comfortable in my own house).
