Recent History Has Me Depressed Posted: 11-08-07 07:17am
I've been a shy, quiet guy my whole life,
never had much ability to make friends.
Any friendships I've ever had were because
the other person initiated it. I was
ruthlessly picked on by bullies almost my
entire school career. I ended up having a
mini emotional breakdown due to this
stress and humiliation in high school, and
dropped out. A few years later I got my
GED. I sat home almost all the time for
six years after I dropped out (damn near
becoming afraid of human interaction), and
finally forced myself to start community
college earlier this year (my family is
pretty poor and I couldn't afford real
college). I wanted to pursue the film
production program, but was forced to do
many unwanted Gen-Ed classes along with
the film ones. Due to my lack of skill in
Algebra, I was placed in THREE mandatory
prep classes.
With the background out of the way, here
goes the bad stuff. In March, I was
unjustly arrested and saddled with a
trumped up, and untrue felony battery on
an officer charge. The cop has gotten
other cops to back up his false claims,
and I now face up to FIVE YEARS in jail.
Even though I have no prior criminal
record, and I'm innocent. I've been
saddled with an overworked public defender
who is rarely in contact with me at all.
It's basically the officer's word against
mine. This happened in MARCH, and I have
literally thought about it every day for
all these months. I still haven't started
trial, it's driving me nuts, I can't
sleep, and the severe depression and
anxiety I have battled off-and-on all my
life has returned in a major way. Two
weeks after the arrest my grades started
to drop due to all the stress, and I was
forced to withdraw from two classes. They
then took away my college financial aid
until I improve my GPA. I've been having
relatives pay for my classes since then
(mostly through copious begging) In May
(two weeks after my birthday) my beloved
cat (my best friend in the world) got sick
suddenly and died all within a week's
span. The cause was never determined. This
was like having a knife driven into my
heart. Now, I need to withdraw from an
algebra class, and the college says I'd
have to withdraw from my whole schedule to
do so.
I am so depressed about my future (or lack
thereof). I don't want to go to jail for
years for a crime I didn't commit. I miss
my cat terribly. I'm drowning in this
community college BS, when I really just
want to learn how to make films (movies
and TV shows are one of my few passions)
I have been in and out of counselors
offices my whole life, and have tried
every anti-depressant in the book. Nothing
works. I stay up all night crying
uncontrollably. I just don't want to
endure this living nightmare anymore. No
one other than my mom really seems to care
that much anyway.
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 11-08-07 08:42am
Well, first of all, thee is nothing above
I see as a life ending situation. Nothing
comes easy, we have to work at it. Your
just to busy wollowing in your own pain to
realize that you can have a grip on all of
this. Stop thinking of reasons why your
not going to make it, and try and focus on
the abilities you have to make it. I hate
to be blunt, but you need to stop the
hearts and flowers and get a grip on your
life and instead of wanting to walk away
from it all, face the problems head on and
make something out of your life. No one
can do that for you. You are not a looser.
You are a winner and you would not have
made it through that colledge door if you
were not. Now get going and may a life of
yourself and stop the self pity. There is
no pill that is going to help if you don't
want it to.
How would you like to trade places with
me? Out of work since April of 2006 and
living with my son, who basically supports
me. Been denied Social Security Disability
twice and now have to go to court. I am a
white ill female on Medicaid and food
stamps. I will gladly trade places with
you.
Carrie
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living_hell
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-08-07 09:04am
"How would you like to trade places with
me? Out of work since April of 2006 and
living with my son, who basically supports
me. Been denied Social Security Disability
twice and now have to go to court. I am a
white ill female on Medicaid and food
stamps. I will gladly trade places with
you."
In actuality you wouldn't be trading much.
I'm also not working (definitely not due
to lack of trying that's for sure), live
off my mom for everything, and was denied
food stamps, am white and from central
Florida. Other than being ill (I guess
unless you count the depression), that
ain't much different. You're also not
facing five years in jail for a crime you
didn't commit. Won't be able to get much
college done if that happens, will I? Not
to mention the LIFELONG repercussions of a
felony record, much less for supposed
violence against a COP! The incidents that
are currently happening, are just the tip
of the iceberg of all the heaping pile of
crap my life has been. As I said, I've
always had many emotional and social
issues, and have seen multiple counselors,
and taken everything from Paxil, to
Lexapro to Zoloft you name it. Nothing
works for me. I know some would consider
my problems minor, but on top of existing
depression problems, and the fact that
I've felt suicidal MULTIPLE times in my
life, make it seem like everything is
crumbling down around me. If it weren't
for what I thought it would do to my mom,
I most likely would have done it already.
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CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 11-08-07 09:53am
Dear living_hell,
Yes, you have had it pretty bad. Your so
much like me, Everytime I think the bottom
has fallen out, ther is just another
bottom to face. I too have lived with a
family member all my life. Only one time I
can remember for a bout a year I lived
along with my mom and sis right across the
street. I also suffer from deppression and
anxiety and am on Lexepo and Klonopin.
Have you tried that duo? I find after
being on Xanex for over 4 years, the
change is the best thing that could have
happened to me. My anxiety has seemed to
just have gotton so much better. I am so
calm now. I take 1mg three thime a day.
Then for deppresion the Lexepro is twice a
day. One in the morning and one at night.
I am truly surprised the Lexepro did not
work for you.
I too have had a miserable life. But, as I
got older learned that I can't change the
world. I have to change with it. All boils
down to adjustment. My heart goes out to
you. I wish there was something I could
say that would make everything better for
you. But, I can't. Only thing I can advise
you to do is try and put as much behind
you as possible and consintrate on you
future.
You know, you are one of the first ones I
have supported that said that the only
reason you would not commit suicide is
because of you mom. How so many forget who
they are leaving behind. I admire you for
that. My son and I feel the same way. He
is way I am here and I am why he is here.
We support each other. My son is also on
Paxil and it is worthless. Next week he is
going to ask to be changed over to Lexepro
for depression. He is already on Klonopin.
I too have been on Paxil and it did no
good. Some work good for some and other do
not.
You have to try and get a grip on
yourself. You are so young yet with a
future ahead of you that only you can
make.
Try to pick up the pieces you have and
make something out of them. I know you
have enough pieces to get your life back
in shape. Depprssion is such a monster.
Like me, I am doing really good for awhile
and then like now finding out about going
to court, I had to ask me Doc to double my
Lexepro, which she did. I am so lucky to
have a Primary Care that I knew from
working at the hospital that knows me and
my body funtions so very well. I have two
herniated disc's that are buldging and she
just wrote me another script for Vicodin
ES (60 of them) one twice a day for pain.
I am here for you. Even if you just want
to talk. Please don't hesitate to PM me
anytime.
You are in my thoughts,
Carrie
Can anyone else please ad their thoughts
for this poster. Please.
|
living_hell
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Nov 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 11-08-07 10:13am
MsSky
wrote:
Dear living_hell,
Yes, you have had it pretty bad. Your so
much like me, Everytime I think the bottom
has fallen out, ther is just another
bottom to face. I too have lived with a
family member all my life. Only one time I
can remember for a bout a year I lived
along with my mom and sis right across the
street. I also suffer from deppression and
anxiety and am on Lexepo and Klonopin.
Have you tried that duo? I find after
being on Xanex for over 4 years, the
change is the best thing that could have
happened to me. My anxiety has seemed to
just have gotton so much better. I am so
calm now. I take 1mg three thime a day.
Then for deppresion the Lexepro is twice a
day. One in the morning and one at night.
I am truly surprised the Lexepro did not
work for you.
I too have had a miserable life. But, as I
got older learned that I can't change the
world. I have to change with it. All boils
down to adjustment. My heart goes out to
you. I wish there was something I could
say that would make everything better for
you. But, I can't. Only thing I can advise
you to do is try and put as much behind
you as possible and consintrate on you
future.
You know, you are one of the first ones I
have supported that said that the only
reason you would not commit suicide is
because of you mom. How so many forget who
they are leaving behind. I admire you for
that. My son and I feel the same way. He
is way I am here and I am why he is here.
We support each other. My son is also on
Paxil and it is worthless. Next week he is
going to ask to be changed over to Lexepro
for depression. He is already on Klonopin.
I too have been on Paxil and it did no
good. Some work good for some and other do
not.
You have to try and get a grip on
yourself. You are so young yet with a
future ahead of you that only you can
make.
Try to pick up the pieces you have and
make something out of them. I know you
have enough pieces to get your life back
in shape. Depprssion is such a monster.
Like me, I am doing really good for awhile
and then like now finding out about going
to court, I had to ask me Doc to double my
Lexepro, which she did. I am so lucky to
have a Primary Care that I knew from
working at the hospital that knows me and
my body funtions so very well. I have two
herniated disc's that are buldging and she
just wrote me another script for Vicodin
ES (60 of them) one twice a day for pain.
I am here for you. Even if you just want
to talk. Please don't hesitate to PM me
anytime.
You are in my thoughts,
Carrie
Can anyone else please ad their thoughts
for this poster.
Please.
We are even more alike than I thought. My
mom also suffers from depression and
anxiety, and we have always basically been
each others rock. We stand by each other,
even when other so-called family members
would turn their backs on us. My mom made
a mistake and a bad decision earlier this
year, and my Aunt just jumped down her
throat, and basically called her a
terrible person. My Aunt used to be one of
my closest relatives until she and her
husband got hyper-religious a few years
back. They now seem to look down on us
with some kind of holier-than-thou
attitude. It doesn't help that I don't
believe in God and ALL my relatives do.
That's probably another reason I haven't
committed suicide, because I'm wary of
what if anything the afterlife might
actually hold. For the record, I have no
problem with religious people, my Grandma
is my next closest family after my mom and
is a pretty staunch believer in Jesus and
I get along fine with her. I just hate
when REALLY religious people look down on
people who don't share their beliefs.
Anyway, sorry to ramble there. Thanks for
the offer to talk, it helps (if only
temporarily). Bye.
|
CarolDiane
Moderator
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2393 Location: ,
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 11-08-07 10:19am
Hey, This is the place to ramble on. That
is how we are able to help you in some
ways. So please, ramble as much as you
like.
As you can see from my profile, I also
live in florida. Cental West Coaster.
Don't like the heat anymore. I guess that
is why I get to deppressioned now and
then. Hoping SSD will come so I can move
back up north somewhere.
Please take care of yourself OK.
