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sweet_mom

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Trying Not to Concieve Posted: 11-10-07 20:26pm


I have a small problem,my boyfriend wants another baby.It's all he ever talks about,he wants a girl to go with the boy we have and the boy from a previous relationship.My problem with this is that I know I am not ready to have another child.I just turned 19 the other day,I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for diapers(another 6 months,hopefully!).And if you read in my post in the thread 'what are your reasons' you'll have already read that with my son I suffered from post partum depression,bordering on post partum psychosis.I'm not sure that I will ever want to go down that road again. Anyways I told him that I refuse to go off the pill,I won't have sex without a condom and if he refuses to accept my decision than he will just have to go without! Now he's pissed off at me and keeps saying he'll have to just trick me somehow.I hate this,right now I have my bc hidden so he can't tamper with it(I'll be using the bc even if we never have sex again! I love 2 day periods!lol)and I refuse to have sex which gets him all pissed off and he tries to guilt me out. I need someone's advice on how to tell him how I feel about it,obviously I haven't figured out how to talk to him yet(another reason I don't want to have another child at this point in my life)

Verizon-y

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Posted: 11-10-07 20:46pm


Is he the father of the two existing children? Is one of them his with another woman, and does he live with you, or what? Does he mention getting married at all? Do you know what the risk is of haviing post-partum a second time? Is it higher than for the average person because you've already had it once? Did this boyfriend witness you going through it?

sweet_mom

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Posted: 11-10-07 21:00pm


he is the father of the two boys,one is mine,the other was with an ex girlfriend.We live together,but we fight all the time.He has mentioned marriage a few times but I don't feel like I am ready for marriage,I don't really see the point I mean we live together,we have a child together,right now all marriage is to me is a piece of paper and a couple thousand dollar party. I'm not sure what the risk is for having post partum again,but for me 0.000005% risk is too much.I can't do it again without family around me. My boyfriend actually slept through the labor,he slept right beside my bed though.I don't think he knew that I was suffering from post partum,he's hardly ever home and I am not too much of an emotional talker.

Verizon-y

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Posted: 11-10-07 21:07pm


First of all, I would not even consider another child until you are married. It is too much of a finacial risk. (Unless laws are very different than in the IU.S.) Second, your bf really needs to understand the horror you suffered.

sweet_mom

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Posted: 11-10-07 21:13pm


Why would the financial risks be greater for unmarried mothers? I live in Canada,and from what I have heard,common-law marriage and actual marriage are pretty much the same when it comes to children being involved.I'm not entirely sure,I'll have to look it up though.I know that if anything were to happen he would be forced to pay child support because it is his child and he has parental responsibility.Just like he is paying child support for his first son.

Verizon-y

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Posted: 11-11-07 10:55am


How long do you have to be together for your relationship to be considered "common-law marriage"?

sweet_mom

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Posted: 11-11-07 11:37am


I believe it's 3 years for a childless couple,but automatically called common law if there is a child involved

AyaMiyaki

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Posted: 11-11-07 11:45am


If he's trying to "trick" you into getting pregnant against your wishes, maybe it's time to pack up the relationship. I only say that because if he truly loved and respected you, he wouldn't force this on you. Combined with the fact that you two are fighting all the time... maybe this is a sign that you aren't meant to be together. I've been with my husband for 9 and a half years (married for 3 and a half) and I've wanted a baby with him for probably 5 years or so. He wasn't ready until 2005, and I didn't push it. When he was ready, WE were ready. It wouldn't have been fair to him to force fatherhood on him, and it wouldn't have been fair to our child. Be firm with him (which is exactly what you're doing - good for you!) and know that love and respect go hand in hand. He's not being very respectful right now.

Verizon-y

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Posted: 11-11-07 16:41pm

sweet_mom wrote:

Why would the financial risks be greater for unmarried mothers?
I live in Canada,and from what I have heard,common-law marriage and actual marriage are pretty much the same when it comes to children being involved.I'm not entirely sure,I'll have to look it up though.I know that if anything were to happen he would be forced to pay child support because it is his child and he has parental responsibility.Just like he is paying child support for his first son.

I made this for you. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is between U.S. and Canada, but these are a guideline:

MARRIAGE Compared to

COHABITATION (Living Together)

MARRIAGE
Marriage requirements -- which vary

from state to state -- include a license,

a waiting period, blood tests,

minimum ages, a ceremony officiated

by a clergyperson or an officer of the

court, and witnesses.

COHABITATION (Living Together)
Cohabitation can be entered into any

time, by anybody of any age and any

gender, with no formal requirements.

MARRIAGE
Marriage must be ended by a formal,

legal divorce or annulment process

that can be costly, time consuming,

complicated, and emotionally

draining.

COHABITATION (Living

Together)At the end of a cohabitation

relationship, the parties can usually

divide property however they wish.

However, the absence of legal

guidelines may create even more

conflict as to who gets what.

MARRIAGE
Divorcing spouses have the obligation

to divide their property by legally

prescribed methods.

COHABITATION (Living Together)
Usually can be ended simply and

informally upon the agreement of the

parties. Often, however, the emotional

costs are the same as or similar to

those experienced at the end of a

marriage.

MARRIAGE
A higher-wage-earning spouse may

have the obligation to provide

financial support for the other spouse

upon separation or divorce.

COHABITATION (Living Together)
Couples who live together and then

split up usually do not incur the

obligation to support each other after

the break-up, unless they have entered

into a contract providing otherwise.

While this may seem a boon to the

supporting partner, a partner who has

become accustomed to being

supported may face unexpected

financial hardship after the split.

MARRIAGE
If one spouse becomes ill or

incompetent, the other spouse

generally has the right to make

decisions on the ill spouse's behalf,

on issues including health care and

finances.

COHABITATION (Living Together)
No matter how close the bond or how

long the relationship has existed, a

cohabitant may need to defer to

immediate family members when it

comes to making decisions for an ill

or incompetent unmarried partner,

unless a general power of attorney or

health care power of attorney give that

authority to the cohabitating partner.

MARRIAGE
When one spouse dies, the other

spouse has the legal right to inherit a

portion of the deceased spouse's

estate.
COHABITATION (Living Together)
When one cohabitant dies, his or her

property will pass to whomever is

named in the will or, if there is no will,

to family members according to state

laws. The surviving partner has no

claim to the estate unless he or she

was named in the deceased partner's

will.

MARRIAGE
Children born during the marriage are

presumed to be the offspring of the

husband and wife.
COHABITATION (Living Together)
The father of a child born to

unmarried cohabitants is not entitled

to a legal presumption of paternity,

and may have to establish his paternity

through blood tests and a legal action.

MARRIAGE
Children born to married couples

must be financially supported during

the marriage.

COHABITATION (Living Together)
The male in a cohabitating partnership

does not incur an immediate legal

obligation to support children born

during the cohabitation, but may do

so voluntarily (and MUST do so if

paternity is established).

MARRIAGE
After separation or divorce, the non-

custodial parent generally is legally

obligated to help financially support

the children of the marriage.

COHABITATION (Living Together)
After a cohabitating relationship ends,

the non-custodial parent has the same

legal obligation to support his or her

children as legally separated or

divorced parents, if parentage has

been established.

http://family.findlaw.co m/marriage/livi

ng-together/cohabitation-

comparison.html

For England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, please see this source:

h ttp://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_ parent/family/cohabitation_and_marriage_le gal_differences.htm

Verizon-y

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Posted: 11-11-07 16:54pm


Here is another way to look at it: 10 Reasons Men Won't Commit Reason 1: Men can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past. The men reported that meeting women is easy: at bars, through friends, at work, and on the Internet. Though men want to become friends with a woman before becoming seriously involved, casual sex, they said, is easy to come by (Tell me something we don't know). Reason 2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying. Men think living together is a good way to test out a marriage prospect. They also view living together as less risky than marriage. At the same time, the men in the study like the convenience of having a regular sex partner. And several said they appreciate the domestic benefits of cohabitation, and the ability to share expenses, but thought marriage unnecessary at this point in life (JUST as I suspected). Reason 3: Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks. Men feel that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They also fear that an ex-wife will take financial advantage during settlement proceedings (Women will only milk you for all you've got if you cheat on them. So don't cheat on them and you'll be set). Reason 4: Men want to wait until they are older to have children. Although men understand that women worry about their biological clocks, they say they don't have to. And they don't want to be pressured into marriage by women who want marriage in order to have children (That's a pile of crap. Who says all women have baby fever? And if a woman these days really wants a baby THAT bad, she's better off going to a sperm bank. Women don't actually need marriage for that anymore). Reason 5: Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises. The men savor their freedom to enjoy hobbies, late nights out and freedom from extra financial burdens. They want to postpone absorbing extra responsibilities until they are on extra-solid footing in a number of areas (Does anyone REALLY want extra responsibilities?). Reason 6: Men are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn't yet appeared. A soul mate, the men said, is a woman who accepts them just as they are and won't try to change them. The men said they don't want to settle for second-best. In some cases, the men even said they were living with a woman who was their version of a second-best partner. These men are continuing to hunt for the perfect soul mate (could explain a lot). Reason 7: Men face few social pressures to marry. Today's young men encounter few traditional pressures from religion, employers or society to marry. Some said they have been mildly teased from parents who want grandchildren, but most of the men said their parents are willing to help support them -- and even allow them to move back home -- until they are ready to marry (Which would explain why so many bloody men live with their parents). Reason 8: Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children. Men said they feel badly if they establish a relationship with the children of a woman and then break up with the mother. They also want to avoid competition and conflict with the children's biological father. One man says that it is easier to date a woman with children if the father is entirely out of the picture (I guess this just speaks for itself, though its surprising how many single mums there are out there...so in that respect, I guess it kinda sucks). Reason 9: They want to own a house before they get a wife. Men want to be financially "set" before they marry. For many men, this means home ownership should come before marriage. Most of the men interviewed are living with a parent, relative, roommates or girlfriends (Meanwhile its the single women like me who are buying up the property). Reason 10: Men want to enjoy a single life as long as they can. Men fear losing their solitary pleasures by marrying, the study found. And they become accustomed to their own space and routines. They enjoy the freedom of not having to be responsible to anyone else (Oh, and women don't?). And then this from a survey they asked men nationwide (this being the States but I'm sure it applies to Canada too): A wise man says: "It is no surprise that young men are unwilling to commit to marry when their partners are willing to live with them and provide sexual and domestic services. The old and crude adage is still true: 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'" All I have to say to that is, Ah Ha! Bingo. And this woman agrees: "I have lived with my boyfriend for eight years. We share everything, but he will not take that last step and get married. If something was to happen to him today, I would be out in the cold. I have helped him establish a home, fixed it up, and take care of it, but my name is nowhere on anything." OR Maybe a lot of us agree with this young lady: "The article 'Afraid to Commit: Young Men Want to Wait on Marriage' makes all women sound like they are desperate to "hook" a man! It insinuates that this is all women live for and men have total reign over this. Please get with the times! " I'll end on that note.

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Posted: 11-11-07 17:04pm


I'd leave him to be 100% honest. He is a horrible person and you deserve MUCH better.

sweet_mom

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Posted: 11-11-07 17:41pm


futureshock,I think the only way that marriage would help me is if I was the type of person who would want to collect alimony in a divorce.In my opinion,the man should not have to support the woman(or vice versa)after the marriage is over.I think that is the silliest thing ever,I think that regardless of marriage or not,if the child is yours and you don't have custody you pay.That should be the only reason a man/woman pays the ex-spouse anything. And my boyfriend does want to get married,I'm the one who doesn't,so obviously all that talk about the men saying why buy the cow if you get the milk for free doesn't apply to him. But I appreciate your responses,they are informative.

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Posted: 11-12-07 09:04am


It is your decision! And how is he going to trick you if your still taking your hidden BC? It sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about this and other things. If you can't have a good relationship there is no way you are going to feel comfortable going through all that again and it's not good for the child. He needs to understand that maybe sometime you'll be ready but just not now. I totally understand I was young when I had my kids, I'm 25 now and would like another but my husband says a boy and a girl is good! So we probably won't have another, I have to respect that! I have 2 healthy children and would never "trick" that is very low! Live your life and be happy in the place you are now! Hope it all goes well!!