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sara19

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Older Guy Posted: 11-11-07 03:07am


I feel awful. The guy I was seeing is 15 years older than me, he is in a band and tours around. I will not say the band in case someone knows them. We met when I was 13 at one of his concerts. Nothing of course happened then. I went to one of his concerts and was introduced to him again. We connected as friends...he fell in love with me. We had been close friend for three years when he told me he loved me. I just stood there in shock told him he was too old for me, and that it was probably best for us to remain friends. We got into a big fight, I told him I did not love him... Now that he is gone on tour I miss him he was my best friend. I guess my issue is I did not know I loved him like that until he left. He walked out in such a huff...I left one message a day on his cell phone since he left on his tour, no response. He never answered the phone, he had one of his band mates tell me he is busy. He changed his cell phone number. I went up to michigan for the one day they were there. The bass player let me in backstage, I went to talk to him he slammed the door in the face, but before he did that he made sure I saw that there was another girl in there with him. He slammed the door so hard it me in the face giving me a blooding nose, he must of heard the thud opened the door mopped me up, made sure I was okay and had one his band mates escort me out, before I got a chance to talk to him. The bass player told me that he was drinking a lot and sleeping with a girl in every city. The bass player told me that he still loves me, and he is trying to forget. I feel like throwing up everytime I think about not having him in my life. I do not know what made me think him being older would not work. I want him, I miss him, I love him, and need him. What do I do? Do I move on or just wait it out. I do not know what to do...he come home in three days...a part me wants to be on his front porch when he comes home. What would any you do?

Birch

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Posted: 11-11-07 13:09pm


I would move the hell on without this jackwipe who treats me like crap. People who love you don't act like this. They don't treat you like this. I hope you 'll be okay.

Mikolas

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Posted: 11-11-07 18:02pm


True Birch, but on the other hand, he may be the way he is in response to her rejection. Guys getting drunk and wallowing themselves in other girls to make the pain go away isn't unheard of, I'm not validating that it is a good excuse, simply that it does occur often. Similar to the cliche "depressed heartbroken so stuff themselves with chocolate/ice cream girls after a break up" version. This is all assuming of course, that he genuinely cared and loved you. However, I'm not sure what he is doing talking to underaged girls anyway if he can get girls to sleep with in every city. Lil lady, I know that he has been a great friend to you for some time, but if possible, I'd like for you to think this through and ponder if perhaps you are feeling this "love" only because you have lost him. Emotions rise and change under certain circumstances of events, desperation and fear are some of them. It's some psychological process where fear, etc can alter your perceptions of attraction and such. If you've ever witnessed a movie where the world is about to end or somebody felt certain to die, they suddenly get attracted to each other last minute and have sex or something, thats where they got the idea from. You certainly miss him it seems, but are you sure its love, your realization that he may not be with you anymore and you missing him could fool you into believing that you do. Truthfully, whether or not you really do love him, I think there is a small chance of this relationship working out if you two made up and got together. You are now what, 16? He is about 30. You are still so very young, you have so much more to see, so many opportunities. He is a musician that requires him to be a nomad. If you have any dreams for the future in terms of career and such, you will have to obliterate pretty much all of them if you wish to be with him, because it would probably only work out if you followed him everywhere with his band. Otherwise, what, will you stay at home till he comes back from some far away city (remember he seems to be able to sleep with girls very well), and be happy with that for the rest of your life? I think you should move on and seek somebody more compatible. Good luck, keep us updated!

sara19

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Posted: 11-11-07 18:42pm


I am 23? I was unclear, we were introduced later on (again) when I was 20. That is when our friendship started not when I was 13. I we just met because I was a fan.

Mikolas

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Posted: 11-11-07 18:48pm


OOOH, I read "met him when I was 13, met him again later and reintroduced, for 3 years we were good friends" So I just added 3 to 13. =) Then scratching out the "so very young part", I can assume you have some sense of maturity =). Still, I stand by what I said about such a relationship working out unless you yourself are part of the band and go around all over the place with them.

sara19

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Posted: 11-11-07 20:11pm


He left me a message saying "we need to talk, call me when you can" Do I call him? What do I say?

Birch

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Posted: 11-11-07 21:16pm


Someone who slams the door in my face enough for me to get a bloody nose regardless of the "reason" is not worth my time. Someone who makes sure I see him with other girls is a game player, and not worth my time. I'd hear him out, Sara, over the phone; not in person-but for you, not for him; get what you need out of the talk. And, I have to ask, are you attracted to him b/c of the musician thing? If he was just some dude who wasn't in a band would you go for all this?

sara19

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Posted: 11-11-07 22:53pm


No, I am not just attracted to him because of the musician thing. I am not defending him slamming a door in my face because it is immature and RUDE however, he did realizing what he had done make sure I was okay? He has also never ever been violent around me, nor have I ever heard of him being violent elsewhere, if you are afraid of me seeing him in person, and that is why you reccomended talking to him over the phone? Instead of talking to him in person?

Tylanas

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Posted: 11-12-07 08:59am


It is far easier to be smart and objective over the phone. That's why it's safer. You can't be fooled as much by hormones and "the moment" if you're on the phone. Yes, you should listen to him; but RAIL on him for being a jerk for so long; there's no real excuse for that. He deserves to be yelled at, and you have the right to yell. I agree with Mikolas however: You may simply be mourning friendship lost. That can feel a lot like love and trust me, I know it hurts to tell someone no. I advise the phone because I broke up with my fiancee over the summer. If I'd had the strength to do it in person, I would have done it months ago and we never would have been engaged. I wouldn't have hurt him as much as I did. I couldn't be objective around him. Don't dive in too quickly. Remember if you do start a relationship to take it slow. And for god's sake, if you ever do end up having sex, make him get tested! Who knows what he's got, sleeping with a different girl in every city.

sara19

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Posted: 11-12-07 12:06pm


Okay thank you.

sara19

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Posted: 11-13-07 00:27am


I took your advice, and I called him and let it all out for a good 20 minutes. I RAILED him. I had him on speaker phone so I could pace (I pace when I am frustated) and just kept yelling. He didn't say a word the entire time, he said that he was sorry and that it was wrong for him to do what he did (sleeping around, drinking, and partying). I am not really upset that he slept with other women. We were not a couple that is was we fought about. I also know what goes on backstage at concerts, attending a few myself.... However, I did ask him what he would be willing to give up to with me. I would never ask him to give up touring, but I would hope he would spend no more than three-four months on the road. I told him that I wanted him to think about his life and what my presence was in it, and then to call me in a day or two. What do you think?

Tylanas

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Posted: 11-13-07 09:46am


I think that's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask of him; and damn I bet it felt good

sara19

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Posted: 11-13-07 10:02am


it did

Maddie34

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Posted: 11-13-07 10:11am


Good for you!

sara19

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Posted: 11-13-07 11:58am


thank you

sara19

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Posted: 11-15-07 00:41am


I have decided to give the relationship a chance after talking to him on the phone and seeing him in person. I am a band/stage manger and I am going to go to the UK with him on his next tour, in a month. He is getting tested for STD's tomorrow. I hope I am making the right choice.

anniek

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Posted: 11-15-07 09:14am


Stick to your guns and don't let him treat you like crap again! You gave him another chance and so did he. You both need to work on it now. I hope it all goes well! Have fun on tour with him! I'm glad you are getting him tested right away great idea!

sara19

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Posted: 11-15-07 15:38pm


thank you

sara19

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Posted: 11-15-07 15:38pm


thank you

sara19

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Posted: 11-27-07 12:44pm


I found out that he had a little girl who passed away 1 year ago. I feel mad that I had to find out, from someone else, the little girl's mother. We were at a bar and she walked in and they were "friendly" and talking. He saw someone else he knew, excused himself and went over. I knew they had a relationship, but I did not know about the kid. She was being really friendly, until she made a comment like: "Hope he does not do to you what he did to me." I asked what that was and she said "get me pregnant and leave." I said "oh! Well I do not think that will happen, because we would have be having sex for that! I am waiting for marriage until I have intercourse!" She kind of looked shocked and said "does he know that? Because he isn't the type of man to wait." I did not validate that with an answer. I went over to one of his friends we came with and asked about her and this kid. Apparently they had broken up, and she was sure they were broken up because she was there when it had happened, "I was in the bathroom with her, after it happened she was really upset" she said. She found out that she was pregnant a few weeks later. Apparently he did not want to raise the kid with her, but he paid for thier apartment, and all other expenses and shared custody. She had leukaemia, and he paid all the medical bills until she died. Apparently the mother got really upset when he refused to pay for her apartment after her daughter's death. She was working partime so she could take of the kid. I feel angry that he did not tell me. When I asked him why he didn't he said it was a painful thing talk about. Which I can understand loosing a child when she was only 6 would be awful. But he still should have told me. It isn't like I was not a part of his life when she died. It is obvious he loved the little girl and did not want to talk about it. When I asked why he was not with the woman he got pregnant. He said "I didn't love her, that is why we broke up" he later said "I don't think that Jamie was fathered by me, but in the end it doesn't matter because I was her daddy." Which you really just have say "awww!" But I said to him " How do I know now that you are not hiding other things, you were obviously hiding it because, I honestly had no idea." We spent a lot of time together, and then I realised we never hung out on Sunday, Monday, and tuesday. Which was when he had custody. Should I let it go? Or should I be afraid he is hiding other things?

Older Guy